Chapter 3 #2
I exhale, my breath shaky, his closeness stupidly soothing. “Koen…” My voice cracks, a whisper that’s more apology than anything else.
He squeezes my side, a gentle press of reassurance. “It’s not over,” he says softly, reading the self-blame I can’t hide. “We’re still in this. We’re going to figure it out. Levi’s loud, but he’s not always right.”
I nod against his chest, the knot of guilt easing even more, though it doesn’t fully unravel. His fingers trace a slow pattern along my back, and I let my eyes drift shut, absorbing his calm.
A yawn slips out, and Koen catches it, of course. “Want to lie down?”
“I don’t think I can sleep like this.” I feel exhausted, but at the same time, I know my mind won’t let me rest.
“You can sleep, Little Thief. You’re safe here. We’ll know if someone comes after you.”
“That’s not what I’m worried about,” I admit. “I don’t think Nicholas will hunt me down. It’s more like… everything slowing down.”
“That’s the adrenaline tanking. It always leaves you in this weird place after. Exhausted but too wound up to actually rest. I have that after every show.”
I let out a deep sigh, sinking further into him. “I guess…”
Koen leans back to look at me, making me sit straight up again. “Why don’t you think he’ll come after you?”
“He was hurt,” I whisper, thinking about Nicholas’s forest-green eyes. “Hurt so badly. And he just told me to go. I don’t think he’ll come after us at all. I think I’ve made him shut himself off even more.”
He’ll close down, and maybe that’s worse.
He’ll never trust anyone again.
Fuck. I’m so sorry, Nico.
“Yeah, he has a tendency to do that,” Koen says quietly, a trace of sadness passing over his face.
I glance up at him, my eyes searching his. “You said you guys were best friends once.”
“Yeah. We were…” he pauses, nodding, his gaze shifting away from mine for a moment. “Before he hurt my twin.”
“I understand that must have been a hell of a fuck up…” I bite my lip, “… but are you sure Nicholas is the bad guy here?”
Koen’s eyes snap back to me, a flicker of suspicion flashing across his expression. He studies me, the silence stretching between us before he finally speaks. “You like him.”
It’s not a question. It’s a statement.
“Well, he was only nice to me.” I shrug slightly. “Of course, I kind of like him.”
“No. You like him.”
I open my mouth to argue, but Koen raises his hand. “You know what? I think we should find out for sure.”
I blink. “What do you mean?”
Koen’s fingers glide across my wrist. It’s a fleeting touch of warmth before he taps my forehead.
“Sleep.”
Motherfucker.
My eyes slide shut as my head tips forward, coming to rest against his shoulder. The world around me fades, shrinking until there’s nothing left but the steady rise and fall of his breath beneath my cheek.
Everything inside me stills.
Even my heart slows.
“You feel safe,” Koen murmurs, a smooth thread that winds around my mind. “Relaxed, like you’re dreaming.” His fingers slide through my hair, each stroke drawing me further under. “Everything that leaves your pretty mouth will be the truth.”
He doesn’t wake me, doesn’t pull me back. He keeps me there, suspended in this place where my thoughts are fluid and transparent.
“Do you like Nicholas Harrington?”
“Yes,” I whisper on a breath. “I like him.”
Unlike the last time he did this truth thing to me at Euphoria, in this state, there’s no moment to catch my breath, no chance to gather my thoughts or decide to keep my answers vague. The answer unfurls from my lips before I can shape it.
“How much?”
“I think I have a crush on him. But nothing can ever come from that.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because I care about you guys. A lot.”
Koen’s chest rises against me as he takes a deep breath, brushing his thumb over my temple. “Good girl,” he murmurs. “And what about Sylus? What do you feel about Sylus?”
“He’s mine,” I answer without hesitation.
I feel him swallow. “Are you his too?”
“Yes.”
There’s hurt tightening in his voice as he asks, “What are you feeling toward Alaric?”
“Intrigue. Understanding,” I respond, feeling distant, almost detached.
“And toward Levi?”
“Friendship,” I answer simply.
“Ezra?”
“Begrudging respect.”
Koen hesitates. “And toward me?”
“So much more.” Even I can hear the smile in my voice.
“Explain,” he murmurs, his hands back to stroking my hair.
“You make me feel safe.” My eyes remain closed as I speak the words that come so easily.
“You make me feel seen, protected. You make me feel like I’m not alone.
Like you’re willing to shoulder my burden without even being asked.
You make me feel calm, even when everything else is falling apart.
I crave being near you.” His breath catches, and I feel his fingers brush against my cheek, although the warmth of his touch barely registers.
“If you could choose, if you could have me, would you pick me over Sylus?”
“No.” He flinches a little, but my mouth is already moving again.
“I don’t choose. I never do. Even if I could…
” I let out a sigh. “I shouldn’t. How could I?
Both of you mean something different to me, something I need.
God, I need both of you. And choosing one means losing the other, and I can’t bear that. I can’t lose anyone else.”
His silence stretches, and I breathe in slowly.
“But I like you a lot,” I continue. “And I hate that you’ve got such a pretty face I want to sit on.
” A soft, almost pained laugh escapes him, but I keep talking, my eyes still closed, my voice detached from my thoughts.
“I was hurt… when you didn’t want to fuck me.
I would’ve loved to, but I was so embarrassed.
I know you’re too good for me, but still. ”
Koen’s hand stills on my cheek. “What I’ve just done shows that you’re the one too good for me… Wake up.”
My senses rush back in all at once. The warmth of his hand on my cheek, the tension in the air, the weight of everything I just said. I sit up straight, and my eyes snap open, locking onto his.
“Oh my God.” The heat in my cheeks tells me my face is flushing crimson. “You fucking asshole.”
I jump up, my body acting on pure instinct, and Koen raises his hands in surrender, his eyes wide as he stands too. “Hey, hey, I’m sorry,” he says quickly. “I went too far. You’re right, I’m sorry, Little Thief.”
I shake my head, my thoughts a mess, emotions swirling too fast for me to catch. “You… you had no right,” I stammer. “Why would you do that?”
“I know, I know,” he admits. “I shouldn’t have. I just… I needed to know. I’m sorry.” He’s fumbling for words, and it’s so different from the self-assured Koen I know. He takes a hesitant step toward me, open, apologetic, and vulnerable in a way I’ve never seen.
What he’d told me during our training hits me about shock induction, pattern interruption, and openness.
“When we are baffled, we become hyper-suggestible.”
Before I can second-guess myself, I grab his wrist and pull him closer, my other hand tapping his forehead. “Sleep.”
Koen’s eyes widen in surprise for a split second, and then, he goes down.
It’s like I’ve flipped a switch, and his body collapses forward, falling toward me. I stumble back, the weight of him forcing me to sit down on the bed, and he ends up on his knees in front of me, his forehead resting against my collarbone while I try to steady him by wrapping my arms around him.
“Holy shit.” My eyes are wide as I reach up to hold the back of his head to me.
I’ve just hypnotized Koen-fucking-Lane—the mentalist himself.
I stare down at Koen as he rests against me, his eyes closed, completely entranced.
I know I shouldn’t. I know I should be the bigger person, wake him up, and let this go. But the temptation to know what’s inside his guarded heart is too much to resist. He did this to me, after all—asked questions I wasn’t ready to ask myself.
Maybe it’s time I even the playing field.
My hand slightly trembles as I let my fingers slide through his hair, my other hand resting on his shoulder.
He looks so vulnerable like this, leaning against me.
I need to know if the barriers between us are as real as they seem or if they’re just things we both put up to protect ourselves from the weight of what’s been growing between us.
“Koen,” I start softly as I try to mimic his calm, hypnotic tone. “You’re safe, you feel good, and everything you say now will be the truth. Tell me about last night. Why did you reject me?”
“I care about you.” He shifts slightly against me, his brows furrowing. “More than I’ve cared about anyone in a long time. I didn’t want our first time to happen like that.”
His answer surprises me. “That’s the reason?”
“I’m still figuring this out. My feelings, the situation with Sylus. I don’t have all the answers… and I can’t make promises I’m not ready to keep yet.”
“You’re right. There’s Sylus,” I press. “And you know now I won’t choose. Does that bother you?”
“Yes…” he admits, then pauses, “… and no.”
“What does that mean?” I breathe, my heart clenching at the thought of how tangled everything is between us.
He lets out a slow sigh, his head slightly shifting as he leans deeper into me. “I can deal with it if it’s the only way to have you.”
My breath catches at the quiet vulnerability in his words. “So you want me?”
“Yes,” he admits. “I want you, and I want to be here with you. That’s something I can promise.”
“But you’re not ready?” I ask, needing to understand his hesitation, the wall that keeps us from fully crossing the line.
It’s probably not the same reason that keeps me back.
“I’ve been burned. But my next relationship will be my last,” he promises. “I’m not worried… I’m not rushing. I want this love to find me, want me, need me, and love me in slow motion. We have forever to go.”
His words settle over me, and the knot inside my chest loosens a little.
He’s scared, just like I am.
This tells me a lot, but it’s not enough to not feel embarrassed anymore. And I can’t have this imbalance between us if we need to trust each other.
“Tell me something no one else knows.”
Koen’s brow furrows, a flicker of pain crossing his face, and I wonder if I’ve pushed too far, but then he speaks.
“Everyone around me dies.” There’s a rawness in his voice that makes my heart ache.
“I’ve made keeping Levi safe my top priority since we were fifteen…
then the others. And now… now you’re so high on that list it terrifies me. ”
The fear, the burden, it feels so painfully familiar. I swallow hard. “I know what that’s like. Everyone around me dies, too,” I admit, the words slipping out. “It feels… like I’m cursed. Like everything I touch falls apart.”
“You’re not cursed, precious.”
I smile, looking down at him. Even in a trance, he’s the one who reassures me.
“Neither are you, Koen. But God, it feels that way sometimes, doesn’t it?”
He shifts against me, his eyes slightly fluttering as if he’s caught between the trance and waking. “Yeah.”
I press a kiss to the top of his head. “You deserve to feel safe too.” And I ruined that tonight. “Wake up.”
Koen’s eyes open, slowly blinking as he adjusts to the dim light. He looks disoriented for a moment, his gaze unfocused as his eyes find mine, and he blinks again.
“Fuck,” he mutters, still caught between the trance and waking. “I never have been the one going under.”
His lips part, a soft exhale escaping him, and I see his walls are still down. It’s like I’m truly seeing him for the first time.
I’ve gone too far.
“Are you mad at me?”
“No.” He shakes his head, his eyes still hazy. “This was deserved. And I’m pretty proud of you for managing that…” He pauses, looking up at me, his hands moving to hold my calves. “Are you still mad?”
“No.” I give him a smile. “Not if you promise to never hypnotize me again.”
“I promise.” His answer comes out so fast it almost surprises me.
“Good.” I stroke a stray strand of his hair out of his face. “Then we’re even.”
There’s a moment of silence, the air between us thick with unspoken words. This feels weird, knowing that we both want each other but, at the same time, don’t want to cross that line. It’s like we’re standing on the edge of a cliff, terrified to jump.
“Come on,” he gently commands as he stands, holding out his hand to me. “Get ready for bed. I’ll braid your hair, and then we’ll try to sleep some.”
I take his hand, letting him pull me to my feet.
As I get ready for bed, I glance at Koen, watching him as he waits for me. When I’m done, he sits behind me. As his fingers move through my hair, braiding it, I feel a calm settle over me.
Maybe we’re not ready to cross that line yet, but when I think about where we are now, we’ve crossed so many others.
And each one brought something good with it.