Chapter 9
NINE
The moment I reach my room, I lock the door behind me, pressing my forehead against the wood. My chest is heaving, and it’s as if a vice is around my ribs, squeezing the air out of me. My pulse roars in my ears, drowning out every thought except one.
She’s alive.
Novalee.
I turn to walk to the bed, but my legs give out, and I sink to the floor.
Fuck.
My hands clutch my hair, pulling at it as if the pain will wake me from this nightmare, or dream, or whatever the hell this is.
How can she be alive?
And how the hell am I supposed to deal with it?
I thought I killed her. For eight years, I’ve lived in a cell built from grief and guilt, convinced that I lost her and that it was all my fault.
And now she’s here, standing in front of me, not as a memory, but as a living, breathing thing.
Trouble.
My breath catches, coming in short gasps, and the edges of panic claw at me. I should call my therapist, should try and breathe myself down, anything, but I can’t think straight.
I didn’t kill her.
A quiet sound breaks through the noise in my head—a soft meow.
I blink, turning toward the bed, where Jinx is perched, her green eyes locked on me.
She lets out another questioning chirp while hopping gracefully to the floor and padding toward me, pressing her head against my knee while purring softly.
The vibrations cut through the chaos in my chest, giving me something to focus on, something real.
She rubs against me again before climbing onto my lap, where I bury my hands in her fur, clinging to her warmth and the steady rhythm of her purrs.
It anchors me for a second, but then the weight of everything crashes over me again, making it hard to breathe.
Seeing Nova again, her face, her voice, it’s like ripping open a wound that has never healed in the first place. And worse, it’s tangled with an ache I can’t name, a feeling that’s too raw to even touch.
She lived on without me.
The door creaks, pulling me out of my thoughts. I look up sharply as it opens, realizing too late that I didn’t lock it properly.
Sylus steps inside, his usual cocky grin absent. Instead, his face is serious, his eyes scanning the room before landing on me. He doesn’t say anything at first, only closes the door behind him and crosses his arms, leaning against it.
“I figured you’d be up here losing your shit,” he says finally. “Tell me what’s going on.”
I don’t answer. What the hell am I supposed to say? That it’s as if my world was turned upside down? That I don’t know how to face her, let alone myself?
Sylus doesn’t wait for an answer. He pushes off the door and moves closer, crouching down in front of me. His eyes flicker to Jinx, who’s still curled in my lap, then back to me.
“Talk to me, Ric,” he demands softly.
“She’s alive.” The words feel foreign on my tongue like they don’t belong to me. “She’s… alive.”
“Who is she to you?”
Everything.
“My girlfriend. The girlfriend I killed in a car crash, the girlfriend I went to jail for.” Sylus’s brows lift, surprise flashing across his face, but he doesn’t interrupt.
“I thought I killed her, Sy. For eight years, I thought… I thought she was gone. But apparently, it’s her twin I killed.
Somehow, she thought I was dead too. And now…
” I shake my head, unable to finish the thought.
“And now she’s here,” Sylus says quietly, filling in the gap.
“I don’t know how to deal with this. I don’t know how to even look at her.
I’m not the guy she used to know. I’m broken.
” My voice is a whisper. It’s the only way I’m able to say the words.
“I prayed for years to turn back time. To undo what happened. To have her back.” My hands tighten a little around Jinx, who lets out a small chirp of protest but stays put.
“But now she’s here, Sy. She’s here, and she’s still so damn perfect, just like she was eight years ago. And me?” I let out a bitter laugh.
Sylus’s eyes hold mine, steady and unflinching as if he’s waiting for me to get it all out.
“I wanted her back,” I continue, the words spilling out like a confession.
“God, I wanted her back more than anything. But not like this. Not for her to see what I’ve become.
She lived her life without me, and she… she’s still standing.
She’s still… her. I don’t want her to see how broken I am now.
It’s not fair, Sy. It’s not fair to put this on her. ”
Sylus sits back on his heels, crossing his arms over his knees. “You’re an idiot.”
I blink. “What?”
“You’re a stupid idiot. I’ve gotten to know her these last few months, Ric. She’s tough as nails, but I’ve seen her hurt too. I’ve seen those cracks, and now I know what it was about. It was about you. It was always about you.”
His words are a sucker punch. I mean, I just saw that she’s hurting, but I thought it was about seeing me again after all these years.
She was hurt? All this time?
I look away, my hand trembling as I stroke Jinx’s fur, but Sylus doesn’t let up.
“She’s been carrying you this whole damn time,” he continues.
“And I bet everything I’ve got that girl would do anything to have you back, no matter what you think of yourself now.
No matter what you’ve become. She’d be the one to help you get back to yourself. ”
“Is that fair, though?” I shake my head, my throat tightening. “Is it fair to put that burden on her? She’s already been through hell because of me. I killed her twin sister with my stupid behavior. I can’t—” My voice cracks, and I can’t finish the thought. “She deserves better.”
Sylus lets out a heavy sigh as he looks at me like I’m the dumbest person he’s ever met.
“Fair?” he echoes, disbelief coloring his tone.
“You want to talk about fair? She thought you were dead, Ric. She mourned you. And now you’re alive.
That’s not fair, that’s a fucking miracle.
Nothing less.” Jinx shifts in my lap, pressing her head against my chest with a gentle nudge, her purring growing louder.
Sylus notices and cracks a small, knowing smile.
“See? Even the damn cat thinks you’re being an idiot. ”
A quiet, strangled laugh escapes me, sounding more like a sob and reminding me of her almost hysterical laughter earlier. The way it morphed into sobs, the way her body trembled when she pulled me close, burying her face in my neck. Her tears, her desperation. And the way I pushed her away.
I squeeze my eyes shut, but the images don’t stop. The panic on her face as I recoiled from her, the fear in her voice as she called after me, the weight of the door slamming shut behind me.
Fuck.
“I fucked up.”
I’m falling apart.
“Ric,” Sylus cuts through the spiraling chaos. “You didn’t, okay? You’re okay.”
“I can’t—” My breath hitches, my hands clutching at my knees as I try to hold myself together. “I can’t, Sy. I—”
“What do you need, bro?” Sylus asks calmly. “Do you want me to go?”
“I—” My throat tightens as I try to form the words. “I don’t know. I… I feel like this isn’t real. Like I’m not real.”
Sylus kneels closer, his hand reaching out to rest lightly on my wrist. “How does that feel? Better or worse?”
I focus on the warmth of his touch, the grounding weight of his palm. It’s the only thing that feels real right now, aside from Jinx’s soft, steady purring in my lap. My breathing slows a little. “Better.”
Sylus moves his hand up to my forearm. “And now? Better or worse?”
I close my eyes, focusing on the sensation, letting it tether me to the present. The warmth, the solidity—it cuts through the fog. “Better,” I whisper. “Real.”
“You are real. You’re here.” He nods when I open my eyes and carefully lifts Jinx from my lap, setting her on the floor. Then he stands, reaching down to grab my hand. “Come on,” he commands. “Up.”
I let him pull me to my feet, my legs shaky beneath me. Sylus places both hands on my shoulders, holding me in place, eyes meeting mine.
“How does that feel?”
He’s reaching a hand into the sea of chaos and anxiety I’m drowning in—just like he always has. Careful, waiting, supporting. I’m not alone in this storm, and I can let myself break because Sylus is here to keep me upright.
And God, I need to break. I’m already falling apart, and I can’t stop it anymore.
I pull him close, my arms wrapping around him tightly as I bury my face in his shoulder. The sobs come before I can stop them, shaking my entire body as I cling to him like he’s the only thing keeping me tethered to reality.
Sylus freezes, his entire body going still. I know it’s a shock. He probably never expected me to willingly let anyone touch me, let alone need to be held. But I can’t stop. I need him right now. He’s the only thing anchoring me to reality.
After a moment, I feel his arms come around me, tentative at first, then stronger. He holds me loosely, careful not to spook me. “It’s okay. You’re okay. You’re both alive, man. The rest, we’ll figure out. I promise.”
His words break something loose inside me, and the sobs come harder, my grip on him tightening as my knees threaten to buckle. I can’t keep upright anymore, and Sylus must notice because he shifts his hold. “Come on,” he says, guiding me toward the bed. “Lie down.”
I collapse onto the mattress, trembling. Before I can pull myself together, Sylus climbs onto the bed, lying down behind me. His arms wrap around me, pulling my back into his chest, holding me as if I’m a child.
He doesn’t say anything else. He simply lets me cry, and it’s all I didn’t know I needed. For the first time in what feels like forever, I let myself fall apart completely, trusting that he’ll be there to catch the pieces.
The bed shifts as Jinx jumps up and curls up at my front. She settles in, her rhythmic purring coming back up. Slowly, the sobs begin to fade, my breaths evening out as the chaos inside me stills.