Chapter 37
CHLOE
I sit next to the villa pool, looking out at the blue sky, rolling my toes along the warmth of the stone.
Was this a holiday? Sometimes it felt unreal, ridiculous, like a figment of my imagination.
It seems like a lifetime ago that I arrived, thinking I’d be eating interesting salads, reading books and meditating on hills.
But I chased goats, I went to a nudist beach, I lost a job, I helped construct a croquembouche.
And I fell in love. I’m not sure how you’d fit all of that on a postcard.
I know that I fell in love because of how much I hurt when the man in question told me through his drunken ramblings that he didn’t feel the same way.
I’m just being sensible. I exhale. That was me.
I am sensible Chloe. I used to overthink it all, I used to weigh up all the things that could go wrong.
But Ben taught me to trust my gut a bit more, to let go.
He fixed this broken shell, reached into my chest, found that heart of mine and made it beat so loudly.
He made me spontaneous for once in my life.
I was always confused by what was happening, but I didn’t hide any part of how I was feeling.
He obviously felt differently. I didn’t think you could break up with someone you’ve only known for the best part of a week, but I guess this is where we are.
‘Here. I think hydration might be the only way to get us through this,’ Jess says, appearing next to me with a bottle of water.
We didn’t wait for the end of the wedding or to watch the sunrise.
Miguel caught up with us in a corner of the garden and offered to call us a taxi back to the villa.
When we got here, Jess got me upstairs and we both passed out on her bed, her body curled around mine as I cried myself into some sort of slumber.
‘With Ben still MIA, Miguel said he’s going to drive us to the airport,’ she says.
‘In the jeep? Zara’s hair won’t survive,’ I try and joke.
Zara’s in the pool with Bella, having one last dip before this holiday comes to an end and we go back to London.
I reckon she thinks I’m just immensely hungover, sitting here catatonic, looking into space with my sunglasses on, instead of desperately heartbroken.
We don’t even know where Ben is but he’s not followed us home.
I take a chug of water. Jess looks just as confused, keeping me company.
Now she knows the true nature of our relationship.
But she seems just as thrown by the change in Ben’s character at the wedding from the warm host who’d revealed himself to us this whole week. Was it all just an act?
‘You know, I think Ben was really drunk. I don’t think he intended to say what he did,’ Jess says, sitting on a sun lounger opposite me.
I shrug. ‘In vino, in veritas… isn’t that the saying?’
Jess has no reply to that, but disappointment floods her face, as if she had hoped that all of this would have had a happier ending. ‘Where do you think he is now?’
‘Waiting for the next bunch of ladies at the airport?’ I say cynically.
She pouts.
We all thought we were more than holiday commodities. Maybe not.
‘Well, when we get to London, how are you getting home?’ she asks me, trying to fill the silence.
‘I was just going to jump on the train,’ I tell her.
‘No, you’re not. Dean is picking me up from the airport with the girls. As long as you don’t mind sitting between car seats, we can give you a lift,’ she says.
‘Ah, that’s so kind, but it’s family time, you don’t have to—’
‘You’re family now. Ibiza family. No arguments,’ she tells me, smiling. Ibiza seems to have lit Jess up in all the best ways. I always got a sense of warmth from her, from the first day that we met, but now something tells me she’s taken a breath, she’s relaxed, more comfortable in her own skin.
‘Is Ben still at the Frenchy wedding then?’ Zara asks, lifting herself out of the pool. She grabs a towel to dry herself. She remains none the wiser to his cruel drunken admissions on the lawn earlier this morning and neither Jess nor I know how to explain any of it to her.
‘I think he had some things to settle up,’ Jess explains. ‘In fact, Miguel is going to take us to the airport just in case Ben doesn’t get back in time.’
‘Oh man, really? That’s a shame. It would have been nice to have said a proper goodbye,’ Zara says. She looks at Jess and me, trying to figure everything out. ‘But what about…?’ she says, looking at me pensively.
Jess shakes her head at her, trying to be discreet.
‘LADIES!’ Miguel exits the kitchen carrying plates of toast and a big pot of coffee, heading to the table. I smile because it’s not the fresh sourdough we’re used to; this toast is square, white, spongy and crudely buttered but it may be the perfect antidote to our wedding hangovers.
‘The girls were saying Ben is still at the wedding,’ Zara says to Miguel.
‘Yes,’ he says. ‘He was… he needs to… he has flat tyres. So flat. His whole car broken.’
Yes, exactly, Miguel. He had a complete breakdown, that’s how it felt at least.
‘Is he OK?’ Bella asks, earwigging into the conversation.
‘Come, we eat Uncle Miguel’s toast!’ he says, trying to avoid the conversation. ‘I butter it myself. We toast your departure and the friends we have made. I thought the week was a great success,’ he announces, pouring us out shot glasses of juice.
‘There better not be any Hierbas in that,’ I tell him, trying to lighten the mood.
‘Baby, no. It is orange. I juice by hand. I didn’t know how to work Ben’s fancy juicy machine.’
Miguel tries to catch my eye behind my sunglasses and I see the warmth of his gaze, the fact he knows how much I hurt. I raise my glass to him. ‘A toast to wonderfully wonderful Miguel,’ I say. He smiles back at me.
‘And to his pool-cleaning skills,’ Jess shouts.
‘And his massages,’ Zara says, shrieking with laughter as her daughter looks at her strangely.
‘My ladies. I hope you will come back to Ibiza, yes? You come and you can see me anytime. You too, chica…’ Miguel tells Bella. ‘Next time, I will take you and your brothers to all the best clubs and we will have so much fun.’
Bella’s eyes fizz with excitement but Zara stands behind her shaking her head.
‘I could come out here and revise with my mates next summer?’ she suggests.
‘Yeah, no,’ Zara says. ‘Worst idea ever. She can revise at home.’
Bella sticks her tongue out and then blows Zara a kiss. I don’t know if anything has been fixed between them but at least a rickety bridge has been built.
‘Well, you were very welcome at Lorenzo’s. Make sure you write us good reviews. And you tell us how we improve,’ Miguel says. ’How to make this better?’
We all pause to think. ‘There was no yoga,’ Zara says. ‘We were promised yoga?’
Miguel stands up and puts his arms to the air. ‘We have half an hour. I can stretch you out.’
Bella’s face reads absolute horror.
‘I love you, Migs, but no. Next time,’ Zara says, raising a cup of coffee in his direction.
He turns to Jess. ‘Anything?’
‘I feel bad I didn’t see more of the island. Dean bought me a guidebook and I didn’t see half the sea caves I thought I would,’ she says.
‘I can find one on the way to the airport. We can cross off list?’ he suggests.
We all laugh.
‘You have anything, Chloe?’ Zara asks.
I close my eyes for a moment and try to think of suggestions. It would have helped if the host was less charming, less good-looking, less good at sex. I’d have preferred a disclaimer that love was not on the menu, that I should have looked after my emotions better, but other than that…
‘Less honey in the face masks?’ I say, trying to crack a joke. Zara laughs but Jess reaches over and squeezes my hand.
‘But really, I have very few notes,’ Zara says. ‘What made this whole thing special was Ben.’ I look down as she says this. ‘The little touches. The flowers in the rooms, the fresh juices, the fact he knew that women need more than one towel…’
‘Amen to that,’ Jess says.
‘I got what I needed out of this. I got true rest and alignment and a chance to actually miss my family – before one of them flew all the way out here to check in on me,’ Zara says, looking at Bella pointedly and rolling her eyes. ‘So I will forever be grateful to Ben and this wonderful place.’
Jess nods in agreement. ‘He was a very good host.’
‘He was more than that. The boy is a unicorn. He saves weddings, he’s an outstanding cook. He does little things like… he buys Jess romcom novels, he knew I liked those olives stuffed with anchovies so he bought extra,’ Zara continues.
‘Now you understand why I was worried about your relationship with him, Mum? Stop with the glazing,’ Bella says, snorting.
I feel like saying the same but it hurts so much to remember all those wonderful careful, considerate things about Ben. It was all for show. For reviews maybe. This might be why it hurts so much.
‘Are you sure we won’t get to see him one last time before we go?’ Zara asks.
Miguel looks at me as I continue gazing down into my lap. ‘I’m so sorry – I will text again to check. He is not answering his phone.’
There’s silence around the pool as Miguel says this. Is this really it? The end? Was that the last time I’ll ever see Ben?
‘Well, maybe we should all have one last dip in the pool? Together? Something to sign off this holiday?’ Zara says, obviously not wanting to end this vacation on a low note.
Miguel takes off his top and shrugs his shoulders at me.
‘Not naked this time, Miguel!’ Zara says.
‘You’ve seen Miguel naked?’ Bella screams at her mum.
And I laugh. It feels good to remember to know how to do that when everything else weighs so heavily.
I stand up and kick off my sandals, Miguel gives me a round of applause, Jess follows suit, throwing her sunglasses in a nearby bush.
This was my travel outfit. I’ll have wet clothes, I’ll have to repack but I don’t think I care about being sensible in this moment.
I run towards the pool and curl my legs into my chest and bomb it in.
I haven’t done that since I was child. I sink to the bottom, exhilarated by the cool water, letting it embrace me until I ever so slowly float back to the surface.