Chapter 45
Grace woke with a start as Hae parked the car. She’d fallen asleep. She had no recollection of the drive home.
Hae came around and took her arm to help. Grace tried to push him away, only to overshoot and almost fall onto her face in the drive.
“Come on,” Hae said patiently. “I’ll carry you.”
“No, I’m not a swooning damsel in distress,” Grace insisted.
“No, you’re a drunk girl.” He knelt in front of her, offering his back.
She gave in, draping herself over him so he could lift her piggyback.
Tears pricked at her eyes and she pressed her face into his shirt to sop them up. “I messed everything up.”
“I’m sure it can be fixed,” Hae said. “That’s the benefit of being a mortal—being flawed is allowed and expected. Even beautiful sometimes.”
“Not for me. I’m not allowed to mess up. I have to be perfect. I have to prove I was worth it.”
“Worth it?” She could hear the reproach in his voice as he walked up the stairs.
“That I can live up to my mom’s memory. That my halmeoni giving up so many things for me was worth it,” Grace explained as Hae pushed into her room and sat on her bed, letting her fall back against her pillows.
She closed her eyes, hoping it would stop the world from swirling in little figure eights.
“What are you talking about?” Hae asked, his weight sinking into the mattress.
“My halmeoni had to leave the only home she knew to take care of me. She never said it, but I knew she was lonely sometimes. All of her friends and family are still in Korea.”
“She made that choice for herself,” Hae said.
Grace shook her head. He couldn’t understand. “I wanted to be perfect like my mom, so at least she’d see me as worth the sacrifice. But I don’t even really remember my mom in the first place.” Her tears finally fell free, staining her collar.
“All the good memories I have of my mom are vague colors and shapes that Halmeoni and Dad had to remold into something real for me. I miss her, but I don’t really know her.
You couldn’t know what it’s like to miss something you don’t even remember ever having.
You can’t know what it’s like to lose someone like that. ”
He was silent for so long, she might have thought he’d left if she hadn’t still felt his warmth against her hip.
“When I rode my chariot, people praised me because I brought the sun. And they respected me because I spent my days counseling them.”
Really? Grace was complaining about how useless she was, and Hae was still bragging about how powerful he used to be? “Yeah, great, you were the most powerful and smartest god in the land.”
“But a part of me worried what would happen if I ever stopped being useful to the humans. If they ever stopped believing I brought the sun and gave good counsel. Would they stop loving me?”
Grace peeked at him from the corner of her eyes. He was looking out the window at the cloud-covered moon.
“And my worst fear came true. Humans stopped believing in me. After all I did for them, they abandoned me.”
“So what?” Grace angrily wiped at the tears on her cheeks. “You’re telling me that it’s useless, so I should stop trying so hard?”
“No, I’m telling you that it’s impossible to control the outcome of things, so you should stop stressing yourself out.”
“Maybe if you’d stressed out a little more you’d have never been forgotten, ever think of that?” Grace mumbled. What did he know? He didn’t even know how to use a microwave.
Hae sighed and stood up. “Try to get some rest,” he said before leaving.
And even though it’s what Grace wanted, she suddenly felt so bitterly lonely. So she curled into herself, blocking out the hazy light of the moon, and cried herself to sleep.