Chapter 58
In the days after Hae disappeared, Grace didn’t have time to mourn. She had to be there for her father. To take care of him now that he’d been discharged from the hospital.
It was a repeat of the time after losing Halmeoni. Forcing herself to ignore the roiling grief inside as she worked through an ever-increasing to-do list. A list she had to do alone, because there was no one else.
There wasn’t even a funeral to attend—where she’d be allowed to grieve. Instead, she had to hold it in.
She scrubbed the bathtub, which hadn’t been cleaned in weeks. There was a ring of grime around the lip that probably came from the ice bath she’d had to give Hae. Just remembering it made her head hurt.
“Grace?” The echo of her father’s voice off the tile made her spin around.
“Dad? What are you doing? You should still be resting.”
Grace climbed out of the tub. She could see the top of his head, the stark white bandage covering the cut close to his hairline. He’d needed stitches after the sonnimne attack. But he hadn’t contracted smallpox. And the outbreak was already being contained, based on news reports.
“Gracie, don’t you think you should take a rest?” Her father frowned at her like she was the patient and not him.
She shook her head. “No, I have to meal-prep for the rest of the week, because I have a bunch of school committee meetings next week and I won’t be home.
But I’ll label everything, and I’ll finish the laundry today too.
Then if I have time, I should go to the pharmacy for your refills.
” She glanced at her phone, realizing that the pharmacy was already closed.
“Shoot. I’ll go tomorrow before school, then. ”
“Grace.” Her dad took her hand before she could type the reminder into her phone, gave it a small squeeze. “Stop. Please.”
“I will, in a second. I just need to finish this.”
“No, Grace. You need to stop taking care of everything,” her dad said.
“What?” She frowned, confused. “I can’t. You just got out of the hospital.”
I have to take care of you. Everything bad that happened was my fault, so I have to fix it. Like I couldn’t fix it for Hae.
Her eyes burned with tears, but she blinked them away. She didn’t have time for that.
“Grace, you’re making yourself sick.” Her dad guided her over to sit on the closed lid of the toilet. He perched opposite her on the edge of the tub. “I’m worried. This is like how you were after your halmeoni died.”
Grace was a little surprised to hear her father talk about the time after losing Halmeoni. Not just that, but that he’d noticed how she’d been coping (or not coping) with it.
The shock almost had Grace pouring out her heart to him, but she pressed her lips together to stop herself.
What could she say that he would believe?
That she’d brought back a god, fallen for him, and then lost him?
Thinking about Hae made the grief rise like a beast ready to devour her from the inside out.
“I—I thought I was going to lose you,” she admitted instead. Another fear she’d been afraid to speak aloud. She’d thought she could lock it away, but the emotional jars she used had all become shattered, useless containers. “I can’t lose someone else. I don’t want to be all alone.”
Her leg shook anxiously. She needed to get up, to move.
If she kept moving, then the despair couldn’t accumulate inside her.
Couldn’t catch hold of her. But her father was watching her with his worried eyes.
And she started to feel the weighty pressure of it all, spreading through her like a blot of ink staining a wet cloth.
A sob escaped her chest. Before she could stop herself, she was crying so hard, her whole body was shaking.
Her father folded her tightly in his arms. “I’m not going anywhere.”
She tried to tell him what was hurting her. But it was so complicated and confusing still that all she got out was a hiccupping “Dad.”
His arms tightened around her.
They just sat there for a while, holding each other.
“I didn’t realize losing your halmeoni had taken such a toll on you. To be honest, after your mom died, you seemed so…okay. I thought it would be the same again.”
Grace shook her head, because she hadn’t really been okay when she lost her mom.
She’d just been able to bury the pain and lean on Halmeoni.
Then when they’d lost Halmeoni, it had reopened wounds that had never actually healed.
Angry raised scar tissue marring her heart.
She was so unused to bringing up her mother with him, but something had to change.
Ignoring it wasn’t working anymore. “I don’t think I was ever okay. ”
Her father’s brow creased as he blinked to hold back tears of his own.
“Gracie, losing your mo—” His voice broke, and he gave a small cough to clear it.
“Losing your mother was hard on me. I didn’t know how to talk about it with you.
Your halmeoni was always so much better at dealing with everything when it came to you.
I thought it better to leave it to her.”
“I don’t want to avoid talking about either of them anymore,” Grace said. “I don’t think I can pretend everything is okay anymore.”
She could almost hear Hae’s voice echoing in her head, You can’t keep feelings this big bottled up.
He’d been right. She couldn’t hide from her grief anymore. And even as it hurt to think of him, she felt a small comfort in knowing he’d be proud of her for finally admitting this to herself.
Her father cleared his throat, shaking his head. “I just…I don’t know how to talk about it.”
His lips were pursed. But Grace no longer read it as just a cold dismissal. Because she could now see the pain hiding underneath it. This was a shield. A way to avoid feeling it, just as she had been doing.
“It doesn’t have to be you, but I need to talk about it.” Grace knew everyone moved at their own pace. She wouldn’t force her father to reopen wounds before he was ready. “Could you make me an appointment with one of the therapists at the hospital?”
Her father blinked at her, like his brain couldn’t process the request. For a brief moment, she worried he’d say no. Then he nodded.
It was a start. A small one, but good enough for now.