Chapter Eighteen
Hannah sat in the pew, surrounded by her siblings as she listened to Preacher Thompson’s sermon. Despite her private struggle with faith, she had been pleasantly comforted by the preacher’s impassioned words of God’s love.
I’m tired of this struggle, Lord. I want to believe You love me. Now more than ever. Can you show me? Show me it’s safe.
“And with that, my friends, I end my service with this. Love one another as Jesus loves us. Give grace to those we do not understand. And leave judgment not to yourselves, but to God. For He is our salvation and the true path to Heaven, and only He may decide who may dwell in everlasting life and peace,” Preacher Thompson said.
Hannah, as well as everyone else in the hot, crowded church, said Amen in a chorus, and Preacher Thompson beamed at them with pride.
“Now please, everyone, take a moment to converse with your neighbors. Be merry and thankful, and do not forget to stay for the community lunch out on the lawn,” Preacher Thompson said as everyone started to rise.
Hannah stilled, panicked that she hadn’t known that she was supposed to bring a dish to the community lunch.
So much for showing me it’s safe, she thought bitterly.
She turned to Garrett, who was looking particularly handsome today in his clean white shirt, black trousers, and with his freshly shaved square jaw.
“Did you know about the lunch?” She whispered to him.
Garrett’s dark eyes skimmed the crowded church as people started to either filter outside or gather in clusters.
“No,” he whispered, “But that’s alright, don’t you think? I’m sure no one really cares who brought what. As long as we stay and mingle with the congregation. That’s what it’s truly about, right? Being a part of the community?”
Hannah nodded, but even so, her guilt didn’t fade. Not that there was much they could contribute. Even with the fresh load of groceries she’d purchased at the grocer yesterday, every bit of it had been already planned out to use for meals that week.
“Try not to worry,” Garrett said, looking distracted as he took a step away from her. “Look, there’s Amanda. I think she’s trying to wave you over. Why don’t you go to her? I’m sure she’ll be happy to introduce you to some of the other women here.”
Hannah nibbled the corner of her lip nervously. What if she wouldn’t fit in?
“What about the children?” She whispered.
“This will be good for them, too, I think,” Garrett replied, sounding sure of himself as he took another glance toward Logan. “There’s no other children on the ranch. But in August they’ll start school, and it would be nice for them to meet the children they’ll be going to see there.”
School.
Hannah had forgotten about school after such a tumultuous first week at the ranch.
It was clear though that Garrett hadn’t, and the fact that he had thought about their future three months from now eased Hannah’s anxiety a little bit.
She looked back at him, taking in the handsome features of his face.
Despite the tenuous week, he really had been kind.
She thought of how he’d carried her to bed and kissed her forehead.
How he so very patiently taught her to rig up and drive the buggy yesterday.
How he thanked her for every meal she or Maria had prepared for him.
Even for the porridge they’d prepared for him earlier in the week, which she now knew he hated.
Those moments had been so small compared to the troubling ones, but they were just as real, she realized.
“Today is the Lord’s day,” Garrett went on, “Perhaps it is good that we both take a rest and enjoy time with our neighbors. Even if it’s just for a few hours.
“You’re right, of course,” she agreed, smoothing her hands down her light beige skirts. “It is the Lord’s day.”
Garrett nodded as he gave her an encouraging smile, then took another step away from her and the children.
“Listen, I’ve got to speak to Logan. I’ll come back to check on you later.”
Hannah was barely able to give him a nod before he hurried away, leaving her anxiously wondering why he seemed so insistent that they part. She drew in a deep breath, then released it, doing her best to push away her worry.
“Hannah!” Amanda greeted cheerily, “I’m so happy you came!”
Grateful for Amanda’s presence, Hannah returned her warm smile.
“Me too,” Hannah agreed, and as Amanda took her hand, added, “Preacher Thompson has a talent for sermons, doesn’t he?”
“Oh, yes, yes,” Amanda readily agreed as she guided Hannah toward the open double doors, “But let’s talk outside.
Believe it or not, it’s actually cooler out there than it is in here.
It’s not so bad when it’s less crowded, but when there’s a bunch of people like there is today, it heats up like an oven! ”
Hannah found herself able to laugh at Amanda’s energetic personality, and let herself and her siblings be led outside.
“Come, let’s go around back where the shade trees are,” Amanda encouraged.
She then turned to look behind them and said, “Children! Go play with the others now. Let your big sister have some grown-up time with the other ladies.”
Hannah expected at least two of her younger siblings to complain about leaving her side, but to her surprise all of them, even little, shy Rebecca, took off toward the other children who had already gathered to play games.
“Wonderful little dears they are,” Amanda praised, and Hannah huffed out a laugh.
“They didn’t used to be,” she confessed. “In fact, it was a rarity to have a quiet house before we moved here.”
“It’s the ranch life,” Amanda answered matter-of-factly, “So much to do at any given moment. It tuckers them right out.”
Hannah laughed again, growing more comfortable by Amanda’s side as she led her to the back of the church. To Hannah’s relief, Amanda had been right about going outside. With the shade of the trees in the back and the soft breeze, it was noticeably cooler behind the church.
“Mrs. Thompson?” Amanda called as she and Hannah approached the group of women setting food out on the long line of tables.
A pretty woman in an off-white, rose-printed dress and matching bonnet turned away from her work as she heard Amanda’s voice, and at once Hannah was comforted by the stranger’s genuine smile.
“Oh, my days! I was hoping you would come!” Mrs. Thompson said cheerily, her blue eyes crinkling in the corners, the only sign Hannah could see that she was a bit older than herself or Amanda. “You must be the new member of our flock, the lovely Mrs. Mercer!”
Hannah’s smile grew as she was drawn toward Mrs. Thompson’s warm, genuine nature.
“Mrs. Thompson, it is so lovely to meet you,” Hannah replied emphatically as she held out her hand. “I wanted to thank you for the lovely lunch and delicious wedding cake you prepared for us.”
“Oh, put that hand away and give me a hug,” Mrs. Thompson playfully scolded as she opened her arms and reached for Hannah, “And you are so welcome. I’m sorry I could not be there to welcome you to our little community myself.”
Hannah accepted Mrs. Thompson’s hug readily, happy that she had taken Garrett’s advice.
“Ladies, gather,” Mrs. Thompson advised the other women who were all staring curiously at Hannah. “I want you to welcome our newest member, Mrs. Hannah Mercer.”
At once the ladies converged on Hannah with cheerful hellos and warm smiles, filling her with a strange mixture of relief and a sense of being overwhelmed.
“Hello, hello, yes it’s so very nice to meet you too!”
“Oh, your husband is a rancher too? How I would love to get your advice on some things!”
“Knitting? No, I don’t have the talent but I suppose I would love to learn if I could find the time.”
Hannah’s head began to spin with how many conversations she was trying to keep up with. She’d never had so many women try to befriend her at once! Yet even so, she felt a sense of belonging she hadn’t yet felt in Twin Rivers, and she wondered if, yet again, she had judged God’s path too quickly.
Please Lord, forgive me. I think I understand now that You are trying to teach me patience.
“Ladies, ladies,” Amanda urged, “Let’s give our new friend time to catch her breath, shall we?”
The other ladies answered with light laughter, and someone pressed a glass of lemonade into Hannah’s hand.
“Here, dear, drink this,” Mrs. Thompson insisted, “And please forgive us. We don’t get a lot of new faces all the way out here.”
Hannah took a sip of the sweet, tart drink, relishing the way it gave her some extra pep.
“Oh, no. Please don’t apologize!” She replied, “I’ve never felt so welcome. I just, I suppose I’m not used to speaking with so many adults. The children keep me so busy, you know, even back in Michigan I didn’t really have the spare time to make friends.”
Several of the ladies paused and gave her quizzical looks.
“You already have children?” The woman Hannah thought was Mrs. Acres asked.
“Oh!” Hannah laughed, blushing as she realized how her words probably sounded. “Oh, no, they’re not my children. They’re my siblings!”
There was a collective sigh of relief as Hannah looked past the group of women and to the lawn beyond, then pointed as she saw Maria and the others playing with another group of children.
“There they are,” Hannah explained. “That’s Maria, Rebecca, and Louis. Jacob is the somber-looking boy sitting under that tree there. Oh, and there’s Isaac! He’s talking with Garrett and Logan.”
She let out a laugh as she shook her head.
“He’s only fifteen, but he’s so grown for his age. I suppose that’s why he’s over by the men and not playing with the others.”
Hannah’s stomach flipped as she said so. She was still worried that Isaac was actually going to leave, and so far, she had no idea how she was going to change his mind.
When no one responded, Hannah turned around and was taken aback by how the once welcoming faces of the women had suddenly changed.
Some were looking at her with unabashed pity.
Others with concern. A few looked downright disturbed.
Only Amanda and Mrs. Thompson were still looking at her with that same affectionate kindness as before.
“Well, I look forward to getting to know them,” Mrs. Thompson said earnestly.
“Mrs. Thompson is also our school teacher,” Amanda explained before Hannah could ask. “She teaches all the grades in the one-room school house at the edge of town.”
Hannah nodded, her smile waning a little as the other women behind them remained strangely silent.
“Is… is something wrong?” Hannah asked, the ugly head of her anxiety rising again.
“There’s… there’s so many,” one woman murmured.
“Garrett was alright with you bringing all of them?” Another asked.
“I thought he was having some trouble,” One woman whispered to another.
Hannah’s brows flew up in surprise.
“No, no trouble,” she replied, “We’re doing just fine on the ranch.”
More surprised looks.
“You are?”
Doubt started to take seed in Hannah’s mind, and the sweet lemonade she’d drunk started to sour in her stomach.
“Well, there’s been an adjustment, to be sure. But we’re finding our way,” Hannah answered. “There’s so much to learn and do. And this heat! It takes quite a while to get used to…”
Hannah trailed off as she took in more quiet, surprised looks.
Only instead of giving them to Hannah, they seemed to be sharing them with one another.
Suddenly, Hannah didn’t feel so welcome.
In fact, she very much wanted to take the children and disappear from the crowd.
Yet instead of putting blame immediately on God, she willed herself to stay and see what happened next.
I want to believe. Show me I can.
“Well now, look at this bountiful feast!” A deep voice boomed, breaking through the awkward silence.
Hope fluttered in Hannah’s chest as the interruption came at the perfect time.
She turned with Amanda, who clapped her hands.
Coming toward them was a woman whose bright red hair and glittering green eyes were no doubt Amanda and Logan’s mother, and in front of her, in a rolling chair, was a distinguished-looking man with a kind face.
His eyes were a darker shade of green than Amanda and her mother’s, but she could see some of Logan in his features, even though the patriarch of the Hayes family had short, salt-and-pepper hair, bushy brows, and a well-manicured mustache.
“Mama, Daddy, there you are!” Amanda greeted cheerily, “Come, I want you to meet my new and dear friend, Mrs. Hannah Mercer. Hannah, these are my parents, Margaret and Gregory Hayes.”
Still trying to make the best out of the day, and grateful for the change in subject, Hannah forced a smile and warmly greeted Amanda’s parents.
However, after she politely shook hands with Mr. and Mrs. Hayes, a bright color caught Hannah’s eye, and she looked beyond them.
Her stomach tightened into knots, and that sick sensation she now recognized as jealousy bloomed once again in her heart.
Standing by the tree with Logan and Garrett was not only Dean, but Grace, looking beautiful and feminine not in men’s clothes, but in a light green dress and matching bonnet.
It was a gorgeous piece, with a proper hoop that flared the pretty skirts around her hips, and she wore white lace gloves and held a matching parasol, which she shaded not just herself with, but Garrett too.
Her smile was wide and her eyes were bright as she spoke to Garrett, and she couldn’t miss the way he was smiling at her too.
Hannah stood there, frozen as she took in Grace’s elegant beauty.
She didn’t have to look down at her dress to know she couldn’t compare.
Her own dress, though clean, was old and out of fashion.
There were no hoops, no frills. Just a beige bit of fabric that suddenly made her feel as if she were wearing not a dress, but a potato sack.
“Hannah, are you alright? You look a little pale,” Amanda said, gently touching Hannah’s arm. “Do you need to sit down?”
“No,” Hannah rasped, finally pulling her gaze from Grace.
It was only then that she noticed Amanda’s pretty, white church dress.
Then Mrs. Hayes. Then, slowly, as she looked around her, Hannah noticed all the others.
She was the only woman in church not wearing gloves or a hoop under her skirt.
The only one who didn’t have their hair pinned smartly under their bonnet or frilly church hat.
She was the only one that didn’t belong.
“Excuse me,” she choked out, moving away from Amanda’s worried expression, “I need to go check on the children.”