Chapter Twenty-Two
Hannah sat on the large rock jutting out of the river in the clean calico dress she’d brought along.
It was a beautiful place by the river. Lush and green banks of grass and foxtails.
Tall trees with large branches filled with leaves.
The air was cooler too, and the scent of wet earth and trees was a pleasant contrast to the usual dry dust and manure aroma that wafted from the fields and barn.
Yet despite it all, Hannah hadn’t paid it much notice.
Instead, she watched the rushing water below splash and swirl and dance as its current forced it to find its way around the massive obstacle blocking its path.
She’d washed her hair, her body, her dress, which was now lying on the bank of the river, drying in the grass.
She’d washed the awful day off of her person.
Now, though, as she watched the water find its way around the rock, she tried to wash it from her mind.
She was stuck between two thoughts. Was God punishing her?
Or was she too impatient and too untrusting to allow His plan to reveal itself?
It seemed every other moment she was finding reasons to doubt when she could have faith, and she wasn’t sure why she was resisting so hard.
Hannah sighed as such thoughts weighed heavily on her.
At one time she had hoped Garrett and Texas had been part of the plan God had for her.
He, and the ranch, were supposed to be the rock in the middle of the strong current; a hold for her to grab on to before she could drown.
Now, though, she wasn’t so sure. Now, it seemed they were all drowning. Herself. The children. Garrett.
Garrett, who was so warm with her one moment and cool the next. There were times when he was so sweet and even nurturing. Not just to her, but the children. Like that first day they arrived and he held Rebecca. Or today, when Louis was getting fussy and Garrett let him lean into him for comfort.
Other times though he seemed positively overwhelmed by their presence; like the day Jacob let the cows out.
Or again, today, when Maria knocked over the tables.
He’d offered to help afterward but in the moment she’d needed him the most, he’d just stood there, shocked and still like everyone else.
There was something else, too. Something that she couldn’t quite put her finger on, but she sensed it.
Garrett was keeping something from her. Which told her that he didn’t trust her as much as he said he did.
She’d felt abandoned. Just as she had when her father left. When her mother died… when Clifford had died. She felt… alone.
She missed them all. Even her father, despite years of trying not to; but she especially missed her mother and brother. Hannah sniffled as the pain of such losses welled up in her chest, and curled herself into a ball on the rock, and let herself mourn them.
“God, please help me,” she sobbed softly, “Show me what to do. I thought this was meant to be, but if I was wrong, please show me. Am I meant to be here? Or was I a lonely fool caught up in the attention I received from Garrett’s letters? Please, please help me.”
“There you are.”
Hannah yelped and jolted as she heard the deep voice, nearly losing her balance on the rock.
“Careful!” The voice came next, and in an instant, warm, large, calloused hands were wrapping around her from behind, steadying her and keeping her away from the edge of the large rock.
Hannah whipped her head, shocked that she wasn’t alone after all. Garrett’s smile was tentative, and his dark eyes were full of apologies. She relaxed and let herself sink into his embrace, relishing in how good it felt to be held.
“I didn’t mean to scare you,” Garrett said, his deep tone soft as he pushed her damp hair away from her eyes. “I thought you would hear my horse riding up.”
Hannah blushed as she shook her head.
“No, I… I was deep in thought… prayer, actually,” she confessed.
Garrett’s arms stiffened around her.
“You were? I’m so sorry I interrupted. I asked Isaac where you were when you weren’t at the house. I wanted to come check on you, but if you want to be alone, I can go.”
His arms started to move away, but she clutched at them tightly, not ready to lose the feel of him yet.
“No, please,” she urged. “Stay. I thought, well- Isaac thought I could use some time alone, but it turns out I don’t like it very much.” She let out a weak laugh. “I’m not used to it, I suppose.”
Garrett chuckled as his arms settled around her again, and she let the back of her head fall against his shoulder.
“No, I suppose you wouldn’t be,” he remarked.
Hannah simply nodded, and for a moment, they simply relaxed and listened to the tranquil sound of running water.
“So today,” Garrett sighed, breaking the silence as he nuzzled his cheek against her temple. “Today was a bad day.”
Hannah let out another weak laugh.
“We have so many of those,” she replied miserably. “It seems every good day we have is followed by two bad ones.”
“We’ve only been married a week,” Garrett pointed out.
Hannah groaned as she bowed her head.
“That somehow makes it seem even worse,” she grumbled.
Only a week? It’s already felt like months. Months of wavering between ‘almost good’ and misery.
“We’ll figure it out,” Garrett said calmly, giving her a little squeeze. “We just need more time.”
Hannah contemplated his words, wondering if they were true. It was something Garrett liked to say when she was upset, but the truth was, they never seemed to find ‘more time.’ There was always something that took it away from them.
As if trying to prove her point, Garrett asked her if she wanted to go with him to ride out and check on the cattle. Hannah rubbed her face, not able to help but think that another moment was being stolen away by yet another responsibility.
“No,” she said, gently untangling herself from his arms. She turned on the rock, sitting to face him. “No, I don’t want to do that.”
Garrett looked disappointed, but he nodded.
“Well, I could take you home first?” He offered, “The sun’s not going to set in another few hours, but it’s easy to get lost in these fields if you don’t know your way around.”
“I’ll just follow the cow trail,” she replied, wrapping her arms around herself.
Again, Garrett looked disappointed, but didn’t argue.
“I’ll go back to the children and get them settled for bed and then… then I think I should start to pack our things,” she said, her heart twisting as she said the words aloud.
“Wait a minute,” Garrett anxiously replied, scrambling toward her, “What are you saying, Hannah?”
Hannah swallowed around the lump in her throat as fresh pain welled up in her heart.
“I’m saying… I’m saying that maybe this was a mistake,” she rasped out, fresh tears filling her eyes.
“I wanted so badly for this to be our happy ever after, but there’s not much happiness.
The children are still pretty miserable here, even with all this new stuff to learn and do.
You’re so busy all the time, and I try to help—”
“You are a big help,” Garrett interjected, wrapping his hands around hers.
“I want to be,” she cut him off, “In some ways I can. But there’s still so much I don’t know.
You had to waste so many hours the other day just to teach me how to drive the buggy, and I know there were so many more important things you could have been doing.
You keep saying we just need more time, but Garrett, there is no time.
Something more important always needs to be done.
And I keep messing up! Making food you hate.
Not being able to get the cows gathered up after Jacob let them out. Embarrassing you at church.”
She didn’t mean to sound so insistent, but the words rushed out of her like a rush of water crashing down through a dam.
“And Isaac,” she sobbed, her tears flowing freely now.
“Isaac wants to leave because he thinks it will make my life easier, and give you one less mouth to feed, and Garrett, I know I thought I could separate from my siblings before, but now I know I can’t.
I can’t lose another brother, not again.
And Jacob? Jacob is so angry all the time.
Even if you did get around to building that other room, he’d still find something to be angry about because he doesn’t want to be here!
He wants to be back in Michigan, even though we don’t have a home there anymore and—”
“Woah, woah, woah,” Garrett soothed, rubbing her hands. “Let’s back up for a minute here. You just said a lot!”
He let go of her hands, but only to open his arms.
“Come back over here. Please? Let me hold you,” he implored.
Hannah hesitated for a moment, but her want to be held once more by Garrett’s strong arms won out, and she crawled back to him.
Garrett wrapped his arms around her tight as she settled her back once more into his chest, and for the first time in several minutes, she was able to take a deep, calming breath.
“Now please, go back,” Garrett urged after she got settled. “You never mentioned in your letters that you lost a brother.”
A bit calmer than before, Hannah nodded.
“My big brother. His name was Clifford and he was four years older than me. He got sick one night and slipped away so fast,” she explained.
“It’s why I always struggled with splitting up my siblings.
I thought that leaving them with family would make it easier but it didn’t, and in truth, I was relieved when Aunt Gertrude changed her mind.
I know, or at least I hope that one day they will all grow up and want to live their own lives, but for now, while they’re still young, I don’t want us to be apart. ”
Garrett nuzzled her head with his chin as he held her tighter.
“I wish you would have told me,” he murmured.
Hannah bowed her head in shame.
“I just wanted our new life together to be a little easier. I know five children is a lot for anyone,” she replied. “I mean, look at today!”
“Today was a mistake,” Garrett replied, his tone sincere, “So was letting out the cattle. And so was the porridge. You, nor the children for that matter, did any of those things to purposefully make my life harder. And Hannah, I know you said you think you’re taking care of little things, but they’re pretty big to me.
Do you know how grateful I am that you cook for me?
That you keep the house clean, and tend to the chickens, and that you and Maria have started a garden?
Or what about Isaac being so willing to help me with the chores?
Or him and your other brothers gathering the dirt we need to build the extra room?
These are all great, wonderful things to me, and these are the things you are doing on purpose. ”
“Oh,” Hannah sighed, some of the pain in her heart drifting away, “I guess I didn’t look at it that way.”
Behind her, Garrett sighed.
“And since you’re being so honest, I will too. I feel like I’m failing you and the children too. It’s obvious I don’t manage time well. I don’t communicate well, either. I’m not… I’m not used to having a family. But you’re teaching me. A little every day. The children are too.”
Hannah let out a weak laugh as she turned her head to look up at him.
“They are?” She asked.
Garrett nodded as his lips formed a smile.
“You coming here to be my wife, Hannah? Your siblings coming here, too? It’s given me what I’ve always wanted.
A family. I just didn’t realize how much there was to learn about being a part of one.
But I’m starting to. Sometimes chores have to be put aside to help my wife.
I didn’t accept that before now, but I do now. ”
“But you’re so busy!” She exclaimed, instantly worried that it was taking him away from the ranch he so obviously loved and cared for.
“Yeah, but I have help,” Garrett replied, “Even more now that Isaac is so willing to give a hand.”
Hannah’s heart fluttered as Garrett’s hand came up and rested lovingly on her cheek.
“I’m sorry Texas hasn’t been good for you yet,” he apologized as he caressed his thumb over her bottom lip, sending butterflies fluttering through her stomach. “But I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad you’re my wife. And I do believe that God brought us together.”
Hannah smiled slowly.
“You do?” She asked, snuggling deeper into his chest.
Garrett nodded as he reached for her hand and brought it to his lips, placing a warm kiss on her knuckles.
“I do,” he promised, “And I have an idea.”
“What’s that?” Hannah asked, feeling better by the second.
“Instead of being so separated in our responsibilities, why don’t we try working on them together? Like God tells us in the Bible. Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow.”
Hannah’s smile widened as she laid her head back against Garrett’s chest, feeling more at peace in that moment than she ever had.
“What are you thinking?” Garrett asked, his tone gentle when he finally broke the peaceful silence between them.
Hannah hummed happily as she squeezed the arms of the man that was so tightly squeezing her and putting her back together.
“I’m thinking God just answered my prayer,” she replied, then gave his arm a playful tug. Garrett chuckled, squeezing her just a little bit tighter for one more moment before he let her go. Together they helped one another stand, and took one another’s hands.
“Come on,” Hannah urged, taking a step toward the river bank, “Let’s go check those cows. Together.”