Chapter Thirty-Three
Hannah stared blankly at the desert stretching before her; the guilt of her birth overwhelming her senses.
At her side, Garrett rode his horse at the same pace as hers.
Like her, he seemed too preoccupied with his own thoughts and discomfort to say much.
It had been two and a half days since they’d left Twin Rivers to start their journey toward Austin.
Two and a half days of Hannah’s mind circling and searching for reasons why God would turn his back on a man like Garrett.
Her conclusion, the only excuse that she could make sense of, was that it was her fault.
Garrett did not judge her or her siblings being illegitimate, but she was certain God did.
That was why he was punishing Garrett. He had chosen her, a woman born out of impurity. For that, they were all being punished.
Her mind drifted back to her siblings. To the look on their faces when she and Garrett told them what was going on. Hannah had nearly broken down in tears when Maria sorrowfully asked what was going to happen to the garden she’d so carefully been tending in the back yard.
Who’s going to water them if I’m not here? Who’s going to pull the weeds and make sure they grow big and strong?
Hannah had no answers, and could only hold Maria tightly as she sniffled in despair.
Rebecca was worried about her chickens and had similar questions.
Louis as well had bowed his head and shed silent tears as he worried about the calf he’d grown attached to.
Jacob, as always, only scowled and glared hatefully at Hannah and Garrett.
Isaac, to everyone’s surprise, was the one who had seemed most upset.
“How are we supposed to survive now? Especially if you go all that way and find out the Railroad was right?” He’d demanded to know.
“We will find a way,” Hannah had promised, “To recover the ranch or start over again. Either way, we will be alright.”
“You can’t promise that!” Isaac had yelled, but before their argument could grow more heated, Grace and Dean had arrived to collect the children.
They had both apologized to her and Garrett for their behavior, and in turn Hannah had accepted.
She didn’t like how their relationship had begun, but she understood that all that mattered now was where they were; and they were finally at a point of forgiveness and acceptance.
Grace had even gone a step further in showing her regret, gifting Hannah some of her best dresses for the journey, and one of her horses; a beautiful painted mare named Athena.
Hannah accepted them as gestures of turning over a new leaf, and had thanked her repeatedly for her kindness.
Despite her forgiveness toward them, however, Isaac was still reticent.
After how Dean had reacted at their wedding, he was not overly eager to go to the Walkers’ ranch.
However, despite throwing Dean distrusting glances, he’d gone quietly with his siblings; vowing to keep an eye on everyone while Hannah and Garrett were in Austin seeking answers.
Hannah’s stomach churned and her chest grew tight as she recalled such memories, and she once more attempted to swallow the lump that had formed in her throat a few days ago. Her throat felt raw and dry as she did so, and once more, she failed at making the choking feeling go away.
Somewhere in the back of her mind a voice whispered, water. You need water. You’re hurting yourself. Punishing yourself.
She ignored the voice, even as she understood it was speaking the truth.
I’m just upset, she told herself as she drew her kerchief from her sleeve.
She wiped it over her forehead, her cheeks and neck, and was startled as she pulled it back to find the bit of fabric soaked from such a quick pat down.
She pulled her gaze away from the desert, and her vision blurred as she tried to focus on the kerchief in her hand.
She blinked rapidly, trying to get her eyes to focus, and stars erupted behind her eyes as the world seemed to lurch violently.
She drew in a ragged breath through her mouth, spittle running down her chin despite feeling so thirsty. She gulped in more air, trying to steady her suddenly fluttering heartbeat, and nearly retched as she leaned over the side of Athena.
“Hannah?” Garrett called, his voice filled with worry.
Hannah closed her eyes, trying to fight the spinning of the world, and found herself too nauseous to answer.
From her side she heard Garrett click his tongue at the horses and they both stopped.
That little change of pace was enough to make her lose the weak grip she had on consciousness, and she felt her body slide off of the saddle.
Through the darkness she heard Garrett’s panicked voice, but it sounded small and far away as she fell.
She waited for the hard ground to meet her, and two last thoughts entered her mind before she fully slipped.
One, that the hard desert ground strangely felt familiar; almost loving as it wrapped around her.
And two, that she was, for absolutely certain, being punished for her sins.
***
Hannah awoke with a gasp, her eyes flying open as cold water sluiced over her body. She jolted, but her weakened limbs only twitched at her sides.
“Oh, thank God,” she heard Garrett groan as his worried face came into focus. “Thank you, God, for You are good and true.”
Hannah felt soft kisses rain down on her face.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Garrett sobbed, “Why didn’t you tell me you were suffering?”
Because I deserve it. Because I did this to us.
“I’m sorry.” She tried to say, and blinked in surprise as she heard the raggedy croaking that was her voice. She tried to reach for her throat, but her arm still wouldn’t move other than to twitch.
Garrett’s worried gaze grew wide with bewilderment.
“What?” He rasped.
“It’s my fault,” she sobbed. Yet no tears came out. She’d run out of them. The hot desert sun had stolen them away, along with her hope.
Garrett shook his head as he let out a tortured sound.
“No. You’re alright,” Garrett sobbed, sitting down in the cold, shallow creek to hold her, “You’re going to be alright.”
Confused and worried as to why Garrett seemed so upset, Hannah slowly drew her gaze from his face and willed her eyes to take in her surroundings.
Colors and light still ebbed and broke in violent shards, but she could make out the green of leaves and the muddy brown bank of the creek.
There was no endless plain of sand and sky.
Where are we? How long was I out? What happened?
Such questions formed sluggishly in her mind, and it was only then that she realized something.
In her quiet, long and intense moments of deep thought, she’d forgotten to drink water.
Forgotten to eat the oat cakes and jerky packed in her saddle bag by Amanda.
She had not noticed that the extreme heat had been taking its toll on her.
She’d been so wrapped up in taking on the blame of Garrett’s situation, she hadn’t noticed that her body had begun to suffer along with her mind.
She closed her eyes, once again flooded with shame at the realization that she had made yet another situation worse. They weren’t supposed to be stopping for her sake. They were supposed to be heading to Austin. They were wasting precious time, and it was all her fault.
Hannah tried to move, to sit up, but sharp pain bloomed in her head at just the slightest twitch of her neck.
It was quickly followed with body-twisting nausea, and she barely made it onto her side before she retched.
The quick current of the creek washed away her vomit, but it did nothing to cleanse her of her guilt.
“I have you, it’s alright,” Garrett soothed, keeping her head above the water as Hannah groaned. Her stomach twisted again, followed quickly by a spike of internal heat that threatened to burn her from the inside out, and with nothing left in her body, she dry heaved.
“I’m sorry,” she croaked, too weak to do anything but let Garrett hold her in the cool water. “I’m sorry.”
And before she could hear Garrett’s response, before she could worry about anything else, Hannah fainted again.