Chapter 2 #2
“It’s okay, I’m not hiding it,” Allie says, at a completely normal volume in the middle of a busy coffee shop, and…
God. Wow. Danny wishes he could do that.
“Sorry, it’s just a little weird telling people sometimes, but…
yeah, no, uh, I was actually starting to figure it out when we were together, like, noticing girls and thinking—I mean, obviously I was with you,” she adds quickly, “so I didn’t do anything about it, and even after we broke up, I was kind of confused and, like, not really sure what was going on, but… then I met Maddie.”
And Allie, who never loses her cool, who asked him out at the end of that frat party, is blushing. Blushing.
“Aw, look who’s in love,” Danny teases her, grinning when she rolls her eyes. “How’d your parents take it?”
“Pretty great, actually.” Allie’s all smiles as she talks about bringing Maddie home for dinner on the weekends, and Danny’s happy for her.
Really. But… he just wishes he had even half of that with Sasha.
It’s not like Sasha can fly around the world for dinner, obviously, but Danny would settle for being able to call him in the kitchen, to have his mom lean over and stage-whisper, Tell him I said hi.
Except that would mean his parents knowing the truth about his relationship with Sasha, and every time he so much as hints at wanting to confide in them, Sasha changes the subject.
“You know what’s funny?” Allie asks, tilting her head to study him. “You’re literally the only person who didn’t assume I was a lesbian just because I started dating a girl. Like, I was kind of expecting it with my parents, but even my friends were like, ‘Wait, weren’t you just dating a guy?’”
“Oh. Wow.” Danny looks down at his coffee cup, spinning it between his fingers. He could joke about how he was hoping she hadn’t faked it with him. Or better yet, keep his mouth shut and steer the conversation in a safer direction.
But it’s been almost two years since he figured out he was bi, and he still hasn’t told anyone except Sasha and Matt Miller, his closest friend on the national team.
It’s eating him up inside, acid in his stomach whenever friends try to set him up with girls, words sticking like bones in his throat every time he’s at the dinner table with his parents.
Allie’s the only other person he even knows who’s bi—and fuck, he could really use someone to talk to right now.
He looks back up at her, feeling like he’s about to burst if he doesn’t get this off his chest. “Can I tell you something? Like, totally off the record?”
“Yeah, of course,” Allie says, her brow knitting. “You know this isn’t—”
“No, I know, it’s just…” Danny lowers his voice, even though the students at the next table are still debating hotly about Bernie versus Hillary; no one’s paying any attention to him and Allie. “This needs to, like, stay between us, okay?”
Allie nods, and Danny takes a deep breath, in and out.
“Uh, so… I’m also, um. Bi.”
He’d almost forgotten how it felt, saying those words out loud.
Terrifying and exhilarating all at once, like trying a brand-new tumbling pass for the first time—the part where you’re upside-down in the air and you have no idea how you’re going to land, but you finally did it, no matter what happens next.
“Wow,” Allie says softly, her eyes widening. “Danny, that’s—that’s really brave of you. Thank you for telling me.”
“Yeah, well.” He’s grinning now, all that weight off his shoulders; if he were any lighter, he’d be floating out of his chair. “You did it first, I was kinda just copying you.”
“Hey.” Allie nudges his coffee cup with hers. “It’s still a big deal. When did you realize?”
He tells her, a little sheepishly, about the green-eyed bartender from the drag show she’d brought him to when they were still together, and they both have a good laugh over it.
“Shit, I even noticed that!” Allie says. “I just figured maybe you weren’t comfortable with the drag thing, and that’s why you were talking to him so much…” She leans back in her chair, a thoughtful look on her face. “You know, I’m actually not surprised.”
“Wait, really?” Danny asks, startled. And a little nervous, too, because… fuck, is he giving off vibes?
“Well, remember when we first started dating and you made me watch all those gymnastics videos? And there was this one guy—I think his name was, like, Blake Wilson?—that you were obsessed with…”
“Oh my God,” Danny groans, dropping his face into his hands. “Blaine Wilson. Yeah. Took me a while to figure that one out.”
“Well, if it makes you feel any better, I just realized like a month ago that my first crush was my babysitter,” Allie says. “Which kind of explains why I kept trying to kiss her.”
They both start cracking up, and yeah, Danny does feel better.
Because it’s really fucking nice to be able to talk about this at all, let alone with someone who actually gets it.
Matt’s been nothing but supportive, Danny’s incredibly grateful to him for that; but he’s also straight, and there are some experiences they’ll never be able to share.
“What did your parents say?” Allie asks when they’ve caught their breath.
“Uh…” Danny’s good mood evaporates as he admits, “I haven’t told them.”
Allie looks taken aback. “Aren’t they pretty liberal? Like, didn’t your mom go to a Pride parade with her boss?”
“Yeah, no, it’s not that. Like, my cousin Brian came out over Christmas and they were totally cool with it—my mom got these rainbow bandanas for Buddy and Luna and she had them wearing them for, like, months.
” Danny’s throat suddenly tightens, and he stares down at his coffee cup, hoping Allie doesn’t notice.
He should have been relieved, seeing the proof that his parents would be supportive; instead, he’d almost cried.
“Well, that sounds good,” Allie says encouragingly, but Danny shakes his head.
“It doesn’t matter. I mean, it does, but…” He hesitates, then plunges into the deep end. “I’m seeing someone.”
“Oh! Wow, that’s awesome.” Allie pauses. “Are you happy?”
There’s a small pinch in her forehead, one that makes Danny quick to defend Sasha.
“Yeah, yeah. I mean, he’s… I don’t even know how to describe him, he’s like the exact opposite of me?
Like, he’s so quiet, but not because he’s shy—like, he will totally tell you if you’re annoying him, he does it to me all the time.
And his gymnastics is like… ugh, Allie, he’s so good, I can already tell he’s gonna kill it next quad. ”
His voice is all sappy and shit, and Allie laughs. “Sounds like you really like this guy.”
“Yeah, I do.”
“But…” Allie ventures after a moment.
“He can’t come out,” Danny says grimly. “He’s from Russia, and they’re, like, not good with gay people. Like, they’ll kick him off the team if they find out—”
“Wait. He’s from Russia, or he lives in Russia?” When Danny nods at the second question, Allie’s jaw drops. “Jesus. Danny. That’s… I can’t even imagine what that’s like for him, but for you… I mean, that’s really long-distance.”
“Yeah. It’s… a lot.”
It’s wanting to hug Sasha so much, his arms feel empty all the time.
It’s having just a five-hour window—sometimes six or seven, if he’s lucky—between when he wakes up and Sasha goes to sleep.
It’s pathetically rewatching Kirill’s vlog, fast-forwarding to the parts with Sasha, on days when it seems like years until they’ll see each other again.
“But it’s fine,” he adds quickly, because the pity in Allie’s eyes is getting to him. “I just feel like… it’d be so much easier if I could tell my parents.”
Before Sasha, he hadn’t been in a hurry to come out to them—if anything, he’d worried that they would be too supportive, pushing him to go public so he could be a role model for younger gymnasts out there.
But the holidays had hit him hard, lying to his relatives through Thanksgiving and Christmas, pretending he was single every time someone asked about his love life (and between Grandma Elza and Aunt Kathy, that was a lot).
I have a boyfriend! he’d wanted to shout instead. His name’s Sasha and he’s sassy and sexy and he’s so good at vault, look at his triple Tsuk!
And then Brian had come out, casually dropping over dessert that he had a boyfriend. Danny had almost choked on his cake, and then he’d had to choke back all the things he couldn’t say, swallowing them down as he congratulated his cousin.
“Have you talked to him about it?”
Allie’s voice brings Danny back to the present, and he sighs, shaking his head. “No, he’d just say no. He’s really worried about getting caught.”
Except sometimes, worried seems a lot more like paranoid.
As soon as they’d made things official in Glasgow, Danny had asked if they could do a weekly phone call (figuring he’d better ease Sasha into what he really wanted, which was a daily phone call), and Sasha had actually hesitated.
Training camps at Round Lake were three weeks each, he’d explained, with athletes going home to their families for a week in between; and he didn’t want Danny calling while he was at the apartment with his mom, who might start asking questions if she overheard him talking to someone in English.
“So… take a walk?” Danny suggested, and there was a long silence before Sasha admitted that hadn’t occurred to him. Like he’d been so busy thinking of worst-case scenarios, his brain hadn’t slowed down enough to see the simple solution.
Then there was the time when Danny had suggested doing a video call, and Sasha had freaked out, saying anyone could walk into his dorm room and see Danny on the screen.
It took several minutes of convincing, including pointing out that Sasha could always just hang up if he needed to, until Sasha finally agreed to give it a try (and then their connection was so bad, it didn’t even work).
“He might surprise you,” Allie says. “If you explain how important it is.”
Danny’s not so sure. Granted, he’s never actually told Sasha he wants to come out to his family… just hinted… but he still has a feeling the conversation’s not going to go well, which is why he keeps avoiding it.
Some of those thoughts must have shown on his face, because Allie hesitates, then asks, “Have you ever talked to anyone about this?”
“Yeah, Matt knows. And now you,” Danny says, smiling at her; but Allie shakes her head.
“No, I mean… a professional.”
Danny blinks. “What, like, therapy?” he asks, and Allie nods, looking completely serious. “Uh, no, I don’t—I mean, like, yeah, it’s hard sometimes, but it’s not like a problem or anything, you know, like—”
“I saw a therapist when I was coming out,” Allie says, surprising him. “It was actually really nice just, like, having someone to talk to about everything and not having to keep it all inside. And it’s totally confidential, they’re not going to tell anyone.”
She gives him a significant look, and Danny glances down at his coffee cup, pretending not to notice.
It’s not that he has anything against the idea of therapy.
Clearly, it worked for Allie, even though Danny’s not ready to come out completely like her.
And obviously it’s great for loads of other people, too—people with real problems, like depression or deaths in the family.
But what does Danny have to complain about—that being in a secret relationship is harder than he’d expected?
He knew what he was signing up for when he started seeing Sasha.
Or what, that he’s worried he’s not going to win a medal at the Olympics and people online are going to criticize him even more?
There are guys who would kill just to make the team, never mind the podium. Hell, Sasha’s one of those guys.
“Danny, I think it would help,” Allie says. “I mean, you have a lot going on right now—this relationship, the Olympics… And you keep smiling, but… you seem pretty stressed.”
“I’m fine,” Danny says, smiling automatically before he realizes what he’s doing. “But thanks. I appreciate it.”
Allie gives him a look, like she’s not buying it one bit; but then her phone buzzes, and after a quick hug and a promise to send him the link to the interview, she’s gone. Danny stays behind, fiddling with the cardboard sleeve of his coffee cup.
He’s fine, he tells himself.
He’s fine.