Chapter 29
When Danny stops by Sasha’s room later that night, he finds him already in bed, eyebrows scrunched together in concentration as he watches something on his phone.
“Gymnastics or porn?”
Startled, Sasha glances up at Danny. He quickly shakes his head, but he’s blushing, so of course Danny hops on the bed next to him and leans over to look.
“Wait, are you seriously learning how to draw a shark? For Nicole?”
Sasha flushes, his face now cherry-red. “She always wants sharks! And mine are terrible.”
Danny almost shits himself laughing, and Sasha scowls as he locks his phone.
“No, no, keep watching!” Danny protests, elbowing him. “Your sharks suck, you need it.”
Sasha scowls again, but he puts the video back on.
Smiling, Danny makes sure the coast is clear—from where he’s sitting, he has a clear view through the gap between the door hinges, Buddy’s tail swishing on the carpet in front of the empty staircase—before he scoots closer and tucks his arm around Sasha’s shoulders.
Sasha looks at him, and then he looks at the door; but he doesn’t say anything, so Danny counts that as a win. Once the video ends, he leans in, kisses Sasha’s temple, and grins. “Wanna watch it again? I’ll get you some paper so you can practice.”
Snorting, Sasha shuts off his screen. He keeps fiddling with the phone, though, turning it over in his hands like it’s one of those cube puzzle things that Danny’s never been able to solve; he suddenly seems distracted, almost edgy.
“What’s up?”
Sasha hesitates, then lifts his head. He’s blushing again, looking like all the colors of Christmas—red blotches on his cheeks, green eyes holding Danny’s despite his obvious embarrassment—and Danny has a sudden, oh-fuck feeling that he knows exactly where this is going.
“When can we have sex?”
Danny’s stomach drops, and not in a fun rollercoaster way.
It’s his own fault he’s fumbling for an answer, though, because Sasha’s told him twice now that he’s ready to try anal—first on the phone a few weeks ago (Danny stupidly, foolishly hoping he’d be too drunk to remember it), and then again this afternoon, biting his lip before asking if Danny had a condom.
Right as Danny was trying to tell him he loved him.
Danny’s certain Sasha had no idea; he’d been visibly working himself up to the condom question, and he didn’t seem to realize he’d interrupted anything.
In fact, he probably hadn’t heard most of what Danny had said before that, which is…
fine. Good, even. Because Danny had been saying some pretty mushy shit.
But Sasha’s the one looking mortified now, especially as several more seconds go by and Danny’s still trying to come up with a response.
“Sorry, I’m just thinking,” he says quickly, hoping it’s enough to explain the delay. “Cause, like, my parents…”
“If we can’t here, can we go to hotel?”
Oh. A hotel room. Of course. “Uh… yeah, sure,” he agrees, rubbing his sweaty palms on his shorts.
“Maybe, uh… maybe next week? Cause, um… you know, on Sunday we’re gonna be at the beach, and then it’s like, gymnastics the next day, and, um, I think my mom wanted to do, like, a big dinner tomorrow, so, uh… maybe next Friday?”
His stomach squirms a little at the lie, since Diane hasn’t said anything about a big dinner, but tomorrow’s way too soon. He just needs some more time to get his act together, and then by Friday he’ll be ready. Totally.
“Friday,” Sasha repeats after a pause.
Danny can tell he’s not happy, though he’s clearly trying to hide it.
Which makes Danny feel like a shitty boyfriend, because he’s letting Sasha down for no good reason.
Fuck, he doesn’t even know why he’s being so weird about this.
People do anal all the time; it doesn’t have to be a big deal or anything.
Besides, if he wants to have sex with Sasha, this is it… right?
A small voice in his head argues that what they did this afternoon should count, too. Because it had felt like sex to him—really good sex, too—and he can’t help wishing Sasha agreed. But it’s Sasha’s virginity on the line, not Danny’s, so it doesn’t seem fair for Danny to decide where that line is.
Except now that he’s thinking about it… he’s still not sure what, exactly, Sasha has in mind.
“So, um…” He clears his throat, wondering if he sounds as awkward as he feels. “Were you thinking, like… like, did you want me to… uh… you know, like, be on top? Like, inside of you? Or…”
It’s only fair to offer the reverse, right? Even if he’s kind of desperately hoping Sasha wouldn’t take him up on it?
“I…” Sasha’s blushing so hard, Danny smiles despite himself. “I want…” They’re close enough that Danny can see the ripple in his throat when he swallows. “I want you to fuck me.”
Holy shit.
Danny wasn’t expecting the effect those words would have on him, Sasha’s vulnerability and bravery doing all sorts of things to his dick. Like, the fact that he was clearly nervous as hell about saying that… and then went for it anyway? Fuck. That was hot.
And for a moment, it’s enough to make his uncertainty flicker and vanish, along with everything else that isn’t Sasha’s bright green eyes.
“Okay,” he says breathlessly. “Yeah. That sounds… yeah. Let’s do that. Um. I’ve been tested, so, uh… I’m good to go.”
Sasha nods. He doesn’t mention anything about getting tested himself, but Danny isn’t too concerned about that, even though his sex ed teacher would probably freak; he knows Sasha’s only been with him.
“So… Friday?” Sasha says, like they’re scheduling an appointment.
“Yeah, Friday. I’ll, uh… I’ll get us a hotel room.
And then we can tell my parents we’re, like, crashing with Patty or something.
” Danny frowns a little—he and Patty used to cover for each other back in high school, whenever one of them wanted to hook up with a girl, but obviously he can’t give a heads-up about this; he’s just going to have to hope Patty doesn’t talk to his mom anytime soon.
He doesn’t want Sasha to notice his worrying, though, so he quickly smiles again.
“We’ll figure it out, okay? I promise.”
Sasha nods, then smiles when Danny kisses him. “Danny?”
“Yeah?”
“You said you have paper? For…” Sasha does a drawing imitation that’s almost as bad as his actual drawing, and Danny bursts out laughing.
“Yeah, I’ll go find some. You keep watching that video.”
He kisses Sasha again, then slides off the bed.
Buddy’s waiting for him out in the hall, tail wagging like Danny’s just come back from war, and as Danny bends over to scratch his ears, he feels surprisingly calm.
He’s still not sure how it’s going to go on Friday, but…
like he told Sasha, they’ll figure it out. Together.
“Oh, shit!”
Danny hears a thump, followed by a muffled curse, and for a second he panics, thinking he’s been caught leaving Sasha’s room. But then he sees his mom halfway down the stairs, her hair falling in front of her eyes as she scrambles to pick up a load of laundry that’s spilled out of the basket.
“Mom? You okay?” he asks, and she waves him off, not even looking up.
“I’m fine, I’m fine! Just making a mess of all this…”
Danny glances back at the guest room, where Sasha’s wide-eyed and frozen on the bed, clearly thinking they’ve been found out. We’re good, Danny mouths, shaking his head, and Sasha slumps against the pillows in relief.
“Here, let me help.” Danny jogs down to his mom and starts picking up shirts, most of which are his anyway.
“Oh, honey, you don’t have to—well, thank you—” Diane throws another shirt into the pile, her face almost as red as Sasha’s was earlier. “I can’t believe how clumsy I am. And now I’m going to have to run this all again, Elena hasn’t been here in a week—”
“Mom, it’s fine, it’s just dog hair.” With two golden retrievers running around, even their cleaning lady can’t vacuum up everything; there’s a reason no one in the family wears black. “And this is, like, all workout stuff, too, it’s just gonna get gross anyway.”
“I know, but…”
“Don’t worry about it.” Danny feels bad about how flustered his mom looks; he really doesn’t care if his workout gear’s a little dirty. “I’ve got it—Buddy, no—”
After relieving his mom of the laundry basket, and whisking a sock out of Buddy’s mouth, he hauls the clothes upstairs. “I think some of those are actually your father’s,” Diane says, following behind him. “I’ll just take whatever’s his.”
Once they’re in his room, though, she sits down on the bed and starts folding the clothes, Danny’s included—even though he tries to tell her not to bother, since it’s all going to get jumbled up in his dresser.
Ignoring him, she smooths out a wrinkle in his shirt and asks, “Does Sasha need anything?”
“Uh… oh, yeah, actually. Do we have any paper?”
Diane’s already heard about Nicole—Danny’s been teasing Sasha at the dinner table all week—so when Danny explains what the paper’s for, she immediately says, “Oh, that’s adorable” and tells him which kitchen drawer to check.
Then she goes quiet, her attention laser-focused on a pair of shorts, folding and refolding them to some unknown standard.
“He’s a very nice boy.”
It takes Danny a second to realize that she’s still talking about Sasha, and then his heart skips several beats. “Yeah, he is,” he says, his mouth suddenly dry.
“And he’s so polite, too.” Diane scrutinizes the shorts, brushing off a thread or a piece of lint Danny can’t see. “I think he’s good for you.”
And now Danny’s heart is doing jumping jacks. “What do you mean?” he asks, totally fishing for Sasha compliments.
“Well…” It seems to take his mom forever to put down the shorts, but finally she looks at Danny, her brown eyes holding his.
“I think it’s important to have someone who can balance you out, whether that’s a friend or a romantic partner.
You know, your father and I are very different people, but that’s why we make a good team, because we each have our own strengths.
And I can see that Sasha keeps you a little more grounded than…
well, we love Patty, but he’s not exactly the most mature influence on you. ”
The last time Patty came over, he’d invited all the Hartmans to his annual beer Olympics, so Danny wouldn’t be in the strongest position to defend his bro’s honor even if he weren’t distracted by everything else Diane just said.
For a moment, it’s almost as if they’re having a real, honest conversation about his relationship—something he’d always taken for granted, never knowing how easy he had it when he was dating Allie and his other girlfriends.
Now he’s been lying to his parents for years and he’s just so…
tired. Tired of hiding how important Sasha is to him, tired of ducking away for phone calls, tired of having to watch every single word he says.
It sucks. It hurts. And hearing his mom talk about how much she likes Sasha, about how good she thinks they are together…
it kind of makes him want to laugh, but mostly it makes him want to cry.
But he doesn’t do either of those things. Instead, he swallows that stupid lump in his throat and says quietly, “Thanks, Mom.”
Diane smiles at him, and then she gets distracted by collecting Andy’s clothes, thank God, because Danny’s dangerously close to losing it. He takes several deep breaths while she fills the basket, and he almost has himself back under control when she stands up.
“Thanks for helping, honey.” She wraps her arms around him, squeezing tight; and even though Danny already knew mom hugs were the best hugs, it’s hitting extra hard tonight. “I love you so much. Me and your dad, we both do. You know that, right?”
Danny does laugh at that, because if this is what he gets just for picking up a few shirts, maybe he should actually do his own laundry next time. “Yeah, I know. I love you guys, too.”
“Just checking.” Diane holds on for a few more seconds, then steps back and looks at him kind of weirdly, like she’s expecting him to say something else. “Well… goodnight.”
She closes the door behind her, and Danny’s stomach twists when he hears her calling goodnight to Sasha on her way down the hall. With a low groan, he drops onto his bed, burying his face in the comforter and wishing Sasha were here instead of in the guest room.
Buddy tries to make up for it by jumping up to cuddle with him, but it’s not really the same.
“No offense, Buddy,” he says, and Buddy licks his ear, none taken.