Chapter 45 #2
Danny doesn’t have the energy to tell them the whole story. Besides, even now, there’s still a part of him that wants his parents’ approval of Sasha, and he’s afraid to ruin that by repeating everything Sasha had said.
In the end, though, it’s what Sasha hadn’t said that he can’t hold back.
“I told him I loved him,” he chokes out, remembering the awful silence, Sasha’s expression as he realized what Danny was saying, “and he just, like… looked at me…”
That’s as far as he gets before he starts crying again, wondering if he’ll ever be able to stop.
“Oh, honey…” His mom holds him close, then hisses, “Andy,” and a few seconds later Danny feels his dad’s hand on his shoulder, solid and familiar, an echo of all the T-ball games and gymnastics meets he’s ever lost.
“I’m so sorry, buddy.”
Held by both of his parents, Buddy half in his lap and even Luna coming over to sniff at his foot, Danny’s as surrounded by family as it’s possible to get—but without Sasha there, too, he’s never felt more alone.
*
“Danny? Can I come in?”
It’s like three hours later and Danny’s still fucking crying, he’s just moved it upstairs to his bedroom.
“Yeah,” he says hoarsely.
Diane opens the door. Her sharp eyes take in the tangle of blankets on his bed, Buddy asleep at his side; but instead of commenting on the nest, she finds a spot to sit down next to him. “Do you want to take tomorrow off?” she asks, rubbing his shoulder.
Danny quickly shakes his head. The only thing harder than going back to gymnastics—and having to coach and train without Sasha there anymore—would be not going back and having nothing to distract him.
Diane nods, and for a moment the only sound in the room is Buddy snoring. Then she says, “I just wanted to make sure you know, your father and I love you. So much. And we’re so proud of you, and of course we completely support you.”
Danny’s never doubted that, but it still means a lot to hear her say it. “Thanks, Mom. I know.”
“Good. Because… well, I noticed you’ve been talking about Sasha for a couple of years, and if this has been going on for that long…
” Diane trails off, and Danny doesn’t even have to nod; he can tell she’s gotten her answer just by looking at his face.
“Oh, honey. I hope you weren’t keeping it a secret because you thought we wouldn’t—”
“No, no, it wasn’t that,” Danny promises. “I wanted to tell you guys, but Sasha…”
Everything tumbles out: how Sasha had warned him that Russia was “not good” for gay people; how he’d refused to tell anyone about them, including his mother and his best friend; how upset he’d been when Danny confided in Matt and Allie.
The promises he’d pressured Danny into making.
The fight they’d had when Danny wanted to come out to his parents.
The fallout when Emily had guessed the truth and Danny hadn’t corrected her.
Diane listens through it all, her hand steady on Danny’s arm. “I’m so sorry,” she murmurs afterwards. “That must have been so hard. For both of you.”
Danny nods. He’s still pretty fucking miserable, but at least now that his parents know, he won’t have to keep carrying that weight inside of him—unlike Sasha, who doesn’t have a single person to talk to.
And no matter how things fell apart between them, Danny can’t help feeling incredibly sorry for him.
“Could you guys, like… not tell anyone about Sasha?” he asks, swallowing. “Like, not even Aunt Kathy?”
Aunt Kathy’s his mom’s sister, and shit, Danny hopes she doesn’t already know; they’re always calling each other on their lunch breaks at work.
“Of course. I won’t say anything. And your father won’t, either. But…” Diane hesitates, then asks, “Do you want to come out?”
It hadn’t occurred to Danny until she mentioned it, but now he realizes—if he and Sasha are done, there’s nothing keeping him in the closet.
He could tell his extended family, his friends, his closest teammates, Coach Garrett; hell, he could go public.
Write a long caption on Instagram, put it all out there on the gymternet, and deal with whatever happened next.
For a moment, imagining it, it almost feels like snapping the high bar again—but this time, he’s lighter. This time, he’s flying.
Then reality sends him crashing back down to Earth.
“Whatever happened next” would mean hundreds of thousands, if not millions of people having an opinion about him being a bi male gymnast. There’d be articles, interviews, posts, tweets…
and while he hopes most of the reactions would be supportive, he knows he’d get a lot of shit, too.
Just thinking about his Instagram comments makes him break into a cold sweat, his chest so tight he can barely breathe.
And that’s the last thing he wants to be dealing with while he’s training for the next World Championships, for the next Olympics. He already has to read enough online about how much he sucks—if people start calling him names for being bi, or speculating which of his teammates he’s hooked up with…
It’s too much, too soon. He feels completely overwhelmed, all the pros and cons pinging back and forth in his brain, none of them changing the fact that Sasha just walked away from him without a word.
“I don’t… I don’t think I’m ready,” he finally answers, knowing that’s true the second he says it. “I mean, I want to tell our family and, like, Patty and other people, like, eventually, but… I can’t talk about Sasha and I don’t—”
Fuck, his face is getting wet again.
“It’s okay,” Diane reassures him. “There’s no rush. You can tell everyone when you’re ready.”
“Yeah, but…” Danny hesitates, then admits, “I don’t really want to come out publicly. Like, not while I’m still competing.”
He’s almost afraid to look at her when he says that.
His parents have never pressured him about gymnastics, at least not over his scores or his advancement in the sport; but the one thing they always used to lecture him on, especially after he made the junior national team for the first time, was setting a good example for the younger kids at the gym.
The worst was his senior year of high school, when he and Patty got super drunk at a party and thought it would be a good idea to post the photos on Facebook.
He doesn’t even remember what his punishment was anymore, but he’s never forgotten how it felt, squirming at the kitchen table as they said, “Imagine some little boy at Sunnyside finding those photos of his gymnastics hero online? It’s not just about you anymore, Danny, you’re a role model to these kids.
You have to be better than that. You have to think about the impact your behavior has on other people. ”
And what kind of an impact could he have if he went public, if he showed everyone it was okay for an elite gymnast to be bi?
How many other closeted gymnasts might be inspired to come out if Danny Hartman did it?
He feels so much guilt for not wanting to put himself out there, especially when he knows it would make a difference.
“That’s okay,” Diane surprises him by saying. “You don’t have to.”
Danny gapes at her, wondering if he’s misunderstood. “But like… what about being a role model?”
“We want you to be happy. And we want you to be safe.” Diane’s voice shakes a little as she squeezes his arm, and Danny feels another rush of guilt, knowing that she now has something else to worry about besides him getting hurt at gymnastics.
“If being out in public is going to change that, then you have to do what’s right for you. And we’ll support you no matter what.”
“Thanks, Mom,” Danny whispers, blinking back a few more tears. Now he really wishes he’d told them sooner; he hadn’t been giving them enough credit, thinking they might pressure him to come out before he was ready. “You guys are the best.”
Diane smiles, then casually turns his world upside down. “Well, it wasn’t a complete surprise. I thought you might be gay ever since you were a little kid, but your father didn’t think so. And then you started dating girls, and you always seemed to like them—”
“Wait. What?” Danny sits up, his brain scrambling to process everything she just said. “Mom, I’m not—I’m not gay, I’m bi.”
“You’re—oh!” Diane’s eyes widen. “Oh, that makes so much more sense, no wonder…”
“But why did you think I was gay?” Danny asks, still stuck on “ever since you were a little kid.” Has she really been wondering about him almost his whole life?
“Well, because you had such a crush on Blaine Wilson—”
“Oh my God,” Danny groans, burying his face in his hands. “Why does everyone keep bringing him up? I wasn’t that obsessed with him!”
“Honey, you told me you wanted to marry him,” Diane says.
“What?!” Danny snaps his head back up, staring at her. “When?”
“Uh, let’s see—it was around the Sydney Olympics, so you were about six years old? And we were watching him on TV, and you said, ‘Mom, I love Blaine Wilson and I want to marry him.’”
Holy shit. Danny doesn’t remember that at all, but apparently his six-year-old self knew what was up way before his adult self. “What did you say?”
“Well, things were a lot different back then.” Diane sighs, then admits, “I honestly had no idea what to say. I was worried it was going to be more difficult for you if you were gay. But I didn’t know how to have that conversation, and you were looking at me, so…
finally I just said, ‘I think you’re a little too young to get married,’ and then you said, ‘It’s okay, Mom, I’ll be ten soon. ’”
Danny didn’t know he needed that laugh before it rips out of him, taking his breath away and some of the sadness along with it.
His mom starts cracking up, too, and for a moment, he can almost forget why they’re having this conversation.
He laughs until his ribs hurt, until his shoulders are shaking and he’s hunched over, his face screwed up tight…
Then he realizes he’s actually just crying again.
“Oh, honey.” Diane pulls him into her arms, letting him fall apart. “I’m so sorry things didn’t work out with Sasha.”
“Yeah,” Danny says, his voice barely a whisper through his tears. “Me too.”