Chapter 28 Ofosua
CHAPTER 28 OFOSUA
ADINKRA SAYING: (Adwo) Calmness. A symbol for peace, tranquility, and quiet.
SAMUEL ADDO: You are stronger than you think. Know yourself.
“I was thinking we should try that new Peruvian spot. I know since Bryant Park you’ve been trying to one-up me on the restaurant selections, but this one is the winner. They have this hot up-and-coming chef. I know that you’re always trying to discover the best restaurant, but finally, I think I have one that’s going to kick your ass.”
Cole nodded absently. His face was stuck in his phone, much like it had been for the past twenty minutes since we left the office.
“Everything okay?” I asked.
“Yeah, sorry. Just some things I have to deal with.”
“Um, okay. So, Peruvian?”
He nodded absently. “Sure, sounds great.”
“Or do you want to save it for tomorrow night, when we’re supposed to meet Carmen and Tallon?” The muscle in his jaw ticked. “Okay, what gives? You’re acting weird.”
He shook his head. “Nothing gives. Sure, tomorrow night. Tallon and Carmen.”
“What’s going on?”
He shook his head. “I told you, I’m dealing with something. My mind is on the marketing and sales conference meeting, that’s all.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” He looked worried. If he was worried, I should be worried. After all, I was doing the pitch.
He shook his head. “No, it’s nothing you have to worry about.”
I tried to ignore the sting of pain on that one. “Okay, well, if you want to talk, I’m here.”
He nodded and squeezed my hand. I knew it was meant to be reassuring, but there was something about it that felt dismissive. Maybe I’d be able to get him to open up at dinner after this.
When we arrived at Aurora’s event, I found her in the corner slinging slam poetry to some kids.
She saw us and grinned wide. “Ah, if it isn’t my favorite people here to tell me how I’m going to be the next big thing.”
I gave her a squeeze. “Well, I mean, you are. We’re happy to support you.”
“I know. You guys are the best. The notes you sent were spot-on. I’ve already started to dive into them.”
As she and I chatted, my thoughts kept drifting back to the fact that something was definitely off with Cole. When he only nodded, I tried to ignore the gnawing in my stomach. If something was going on with him, he would tell me. Right? He’d made love to me in the shower that morning like a man on a mission. Like multiple orgasms would chase the gray away.
They had been a great start. That and being at work and digging into edits had me shaking off the melancholy. Even if my parents didn’t understand me, at least I had this. How many other women my age had their own publishing lines? I needed to try and enjoy my life and my very sexy boyfriend.
Who was so distracted he wasn’t even paying attention to Aurora.
Maybe he’s upset that the two of you are still sneaking around at the office.
Maybe, but he hadn’t said anything this week. He got it. There would be very different perceptions for the two of us once we went public.
Aurora shrugged. “Well, okay, I’ll be ready to talk shop after the performance. In the meantime, I’m gonna go give these tickets away to some kids.”
Cole said, “You don’t need me today, do you?”
What? He was ditching work?
“Aren’t we going to talk marketing strategy with Aurora?” I asked.
He sighed. “Maybe we can reschedule for later this week. I have something to deal with.”
He gave Emory a wave and then squeezed my hand before striding out, leaving me speechless and wondering what the hell happened.
I wished he would talk to me so we could deal with whatever was bothering him together.
Or maybe it’s not something that you can do anything about.
That idea worried me even more.
Three hours later, I turned up at Cole’s doorstep, overnight bag in tow. Though the usual excitement I felt at staying over at his place was dampened because I knew something was wrong. And unlike before, I was unwilling to stick my head in the sand and pretend that it didn’t exist.
We were off, so we were going to talk about it and get back on track. If I could fix it, I would.
Or maybe it has nothing to do with you.
Which was entirely possible. But if I had done something, I wanted to know.
My stomach twisted and knotted as if trying to warn me. Danger, Will Robinson, danger.
But still, I marched on. I took the elevator up, and when I reached his penthouse apartment, he opened the door, looked at my bag with surprise, and said, “Oh, you’re staying?”
Wow, so it was like that. “I don’t know what’s going on with you, but we’re going to talk about this, because I can’t do the eggshell thing. Whatever I did, I’m sorry. Give me a chance to apologize and make sure it doesn’t happen again. But this whole thing where you cold-shoulder me, I’m not doing that. We promised to communicate with each other.”
He ran his hands through his hair. “You know what, can we just not right now? You’re doing a lot. It’s been a long day. I can’t do some moralistic lesson right now.”
I blinked at him slowly. “Sure, I’ll go. But before I do, you will tell me what the hell is up with you. We go from everything being great this morning to everything being utter shit. In like twelve hours! You’re distracted. You won’t speak to me. If I have done something or said something, be a grown-up and fucking tell me. But this, where you act like I have somehow wronged you and are distant and cold, I’m not doing this again.”
He groaned. “For the last time, I’m not him !”
I flinched as if he’d slapped me. “You know what’s funny? You’re sure acting like him.”
He winced and softened his voice. “I just have a lot on my plate right now between work and my family shit. You wouldn’t understand.”
“Right. Everyone has problems, Cole. Adults discuss them, work them out. Hell, adults even say, I’m not ready to talk right now. You are having a mini mental tantrum about something. As for moralistic lessons—I’m sorry I’ve tried to open your eyes to a world outside of your own rarified privilege. Do you even understand how lucky you are? How many people would kill for your problems?”
He turned at me and growled. “You know, I’m getting real sick and tired of you shoving the world’s problems on my shoulders. Can we just have one damn night where we’re not talking my supposed privilege? A normal night where all the world’s bullshit isn’t at the center of every fucking thing? I would kill for one night where we’re just Cole and Ofosua. And let’s not forget that you are just as rich as I am. You are dripping with the same privilege.”
That sliced deep, and I lifted my chin, ready to challenge him. “The difference is, I at least recognize that I have privilege. Not to mention you have a whole other privilege I’ll never attain. You’re acting like a petulant child. You could talk to me like a grown-up, tell me if I have done something wrong, give me the chance to apologize and rectify the mistake. But instead, you’re not talking to me. You’re distant. If you’re breaking up with me, just bloody break up with me.”
Then he did the one thing I didn’t expect. Stalking toward me with grim determination in his eyes, he dug his hands into my hair at my nape and dragged me to him. And when he kissed me, his tongue was equal parts harsh and coaxing. When he growled low, pouring all his need and frustration into me, my world tilted upside down.
My body begged me to give in to the tempest. Every cell wanted to relinquish control. But I could still feel the errant thread I needed to tug on, and when I shoved him away, he released me.
He swallowed hard, his gaze flickering back to my lips.
“What is going on? I’m not leaving here until you at least tell me what the hell it is, and then I’m going to take my bag and get the hell out of your hair. But you will damn well tell me what is bothering you. Look at it as a chance to finally tell me what you really think of me. Go on, let loose.”
There was this breadth of a moment where he winced, and I could tell he didn’t want to do this. He knew he was hurting me, and he didn’t want to.
I softened my voice. “Look, I don’t know what’s up. Is it your family? Work stuff? Just tell me. Maybe I can help.”
He ran a hand through his hair. “Ofosua, I just…” His voice trailed. When his gaze met mine, his eyes were glassy with unshed tears. “This is all moving too fast.”
I jerked back as if he’d slapped me. “What?”
“I can’t do this. We’re moving fast and not thinking about the consequences. I feel like I’m being pushed into making this real when what’s right in front of me is this: You work for Drake. And Drake is my legacy. I can’t fuck that up.”
He was not doing this to me. “ You insisted that you didn’t care how fast it was moving, you promised that us working together wasn’t a problem that couldn’t be solved, but now you’re telling me that I moved this too fast? God, you actually do sound just like Yofi. I can’t believe this. Am I cursed?”
“For fuck’s sake, I’m not him!” he roared.
“Sure you’re not.” I couldn’t help the sadness and disappointment, and the words slipped out before I could stop them. “Jesus, what is wrong with me?”
In the far recesses of my gut, I could feel the rising panic, but I bit it back. I was going to face whatever this was. I wasn’t going to cower and hide and cry. I could stand on my own two feet.
I hadn’t actually loved Yofi, I knew that now, but Cole? This was going to hurt. It was going to be a soul-crushing pain, but I was going to survive it because at least this wasn’t going to be a public situation where everyone in my life knew and was judging me on it. But, Jesus, I just wanted to understand. “Why are you doing this?”
“Look, she’s right, okay? She’s right. We are different. We have seen it with my friends and your family. My mom. God, your mother hates me. And there’s nothing I can do about the fact that I’m white. I don’t know what it’s going to be like if we one day get married, have kids, and all that. We’re just really different, and it’s better if we just call it.”
I stared at him. “Who’s right?”
His face flamed. He shook his head and tried to move past me toward the foyer to open the door for me. “It doesn’t matter. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“But you did.”
He whirled around. “You think it’s fucking easy for me? I’ve wanted you so bad for so long, and then when I finally think it’s going to happen, I can’t have you.”
“You can’t or you won’t ?”
“I can’t .”
“Wow. I didn’t peg you for a coward.”
He flinched. “What the fuck did you say to me?”
“You heard me. A cowaaard ,” I emphasized slowly. “I knew you were going to do this. I knew it.”
He blinked and stared at me. “Ofosua.”
“No, don’t you dare ‘Ofosua’ me. You are doing this to me. I knew you weren’t ready to handle this. I knew that this was going to be work. But that’s typical. The moment that you had to work for something, off you go running.” I landed my hit and I wasn’t even sorry. All I could feel was the fury pumping through my veins.
“Wow,” he whispered.
He had the nerve to “wow” me? “Yeah, wow.”
“I can’t believe you would say that to me.”
“Well, it’s true. And instead of telling me what’s crawled up your ass, you make me pry it out of you. You couldn’t just suck it up and tell me?”
“I was trying not to hurt you!” he shouted.
“Bullshit. You’re being a coward.”
We were facing each other in a heated grudge match. At any point we were either going to start angry fucking, which, given my vow to kill him, was highly unlikely, or we were going to start throwing things.
“It was your fucking mother who came and told me that I couldn’t have you. That I was not the first white boy who’d thought he liked you. Do you know how humiliating that was?”
I staggered backward. “What?”
He grabbed his hair with both fists. “Fuck me, Ofosua. Look, I’m sorry. But she’s right. My family would be complete assholes. You’ve met my mother, and Dad’s a thousand times worse. You have already seen what my friends are like, and I just—I don’t want to subject you to that.”
“What?” I shook my head, trying to clear it. “Y-you talked to my mother?”
He started to pace in front of the door. “Look, she came to the office, and I thought she was there to see you, but she was there to see me. And she had a lot to say. Reminding me that I’m not good for you and if I care about you, I should let you go.”
“ My mother told you that you’re not good for me?” I pointed to myself, back at him then back at myself. I tried to make sure I understood. “She told you that you’re not good for me, and you listened and decided that was it? You’re just not even going to bother to try?”
“Ofosua, I’m trying to do the right thing for you here. You have no fucking idea how much I care about you.”
“Shut up. You’re a liar. When you care about someone, you don’t do this to them. You fight. Instead of fighting, instead of actually putting in the work, you caved. You know what? It’s better that I know that’s who you really are now rather than later. I’m gone.”
The tears were already filling my eyes; they would choke me if I stayed. I had to get out.
I’d taken a risk, and it had not paid off. And once again, I was left all alone.
You’re not at fault here. But lucky for you, you know who is.
COLE
I had carved out my heart with a rusty blade. After she left, I ran to the door. I even had a hand on the knob because my immediate response was to fix it, to get her back, to show her that I wasn’t a complete tool.
But I knew she deserved better than me, so I slid down to the floor, bracing my back against the door and wallowing in the pile of shit that was my life now.
She had called me a coward. And the worst part of it was, of course, she wasn’t wrong. I’d done the right thing, but I was a coward. She deserved better than me. If I were the guy she deserved, I would have fought. If I were the guy she deserved, I would have stuck it out.
And hurt her?
Every time my mother made a comment, or my father, or, hell, my uncle, it would have hurt her. Every time a member of my family underestimated her or made her feel like anything less than the absolute queen she was, would I have taken the arrows for her? Every single time?
You already fucked up once. This is for the best.
My morning did not bring improvement. When my mother called, my brain was still foggy. At some point last night, the tears and self-pity had led to scotch.
I knew drinking wasn’t going to make me forget, and now I was paying for it.
“What do you want, Mom?”
My mother tsked in my ear. “Cole, is that how you speak to your mother? What’s wrong with you? Why do you sound like your father?”
That was the first jab. And as jabs went, it had enough bite to make me wince. She was right. I did sound like my father. And I probably felt like him too. Fuck. How did he walk around in a constant stupor like this?
“None of your business. What do you want?”
“Well, if you’re going to be like this, Cole, perhaps we should speak at another time.”
I cursed under my breath. “Sorry, Mom.”
I forced myself to sit up in bed and scrubbed my hand over my face before I pushed myself onto my feet and into the bathroom. I made the mistake of glancing in the mirror.
Jesus, I looked like shit. “Sorry, I’m here. I’m wide awake.” I ran the water and splashed it on my face to try and make that a true statement. It didn’t help.
“What is wrong with you?”
Was this the time when I finally caved in and started talking to my mother about feelings and shit? Pretended that she was a real mother? One who cared more about me than her friends, tennis matches, and nonprofit boards?
Nope. Twenty-five was too late for that shit. “Nothing. What do you need?”
“Well, I was talking to Carolyn and the topic of diverse members came up. I was wondering if I could speak to that friend of yours. You know, the Black one. The one your uncle just up and gave a whole imprint to. Which I suppose is the smart thing to do in these times. Steven has always been a big supporter of affirmative action.”
I clenched my jaw so hard I got a cramp. “?‘The Black one’?”
“The one I met a few weeks ago. And don’t think I don’t know you’re sleeping with her. Because I know you, Cole. Just be careful. You’re a level up, and women are aware of that, believe me. Anyway, I’d like to speak to your friend . Can you bring her to lunch?”
Wow. It kept getting worse. “Do you even hear yourself, Mom?”
“What now, Cole? What could I have possibly said to offend you?”
“Well, for starters, you didn’t bother to remember Ofosua’s name. Someone whose help it sounds like you need. And then there’s the small matter of you just referring to her as ‘the Black one.’ As if she doesn’t have an identity outside of her being Black. You could have said, ‘Oh, the girl you work with, the one I met that night a few weeks ago. The beautiful one. The really smart one.’ You could have said any of those things, but you chose to boil her down to her skin color. And then you suggested that the only way she would get her current job was affirmative action. Ofosua doesn’t need it. You didn’t look up her parents, did you? They own two penthouse units in the 150 Charles Street building. Ofosua hardly needs your connections. And before you get on that high and mighty horse of ‘Oh, I voted for Obama,’ you voted for Obama because it was the cool thing to do, not because you actually believed in what he stood for, which makes you just as bad as the racists.”
She gasped. “Cole. How dare you?”
“Okay, then why did you refer to Ofosua as my Black friend? If you can answer that, I’m happy to let this go.”
“What has gotten into you? You’ve never spoken like this before.”
“But I’ve always felt like this. Things you say and do make me uncomfortable, and no, I have never said anything before, which is on me. But please start educating yourself on what to change, or I will be saying a lot of things all the time, publicly, in front of your friends. And that’s going to get really embarrassing for you.”
She sucked in a sharp breath. “You don’t have the right to speak to your mother like that.”
“I have the right when it’s the truth. And for your information, Ofosua and I broke up.”
“How… unfortunate. There’s no way you can get her to do this small favor?”
I pinched the bridge of my nose. “No. Glad to see you’re so worried about me.”
“Well, that’s a shame. Now Carolyn will think that I lied.”
Just when I’d thought she was starting to listen. “Mom, you really are just inherently selfish, aren’t you?”
“Cole, why you have taken this tiresome attitude is a mystery.”
“I haven’t taken any attitude, Mom. I’m just sad. And, frankly, disappointed.”
She sighed. “Surely, you recognize you and this girl never would have worked? You’re from two different worlds, darling. It’s good to think the world is postracial this, and woke that, but that’s not how it works. Fundamentally, they’re different.”
“What the fuck did you just say?”
My mother gasped. “Don’t use that language with me, I just meant that culturally they’re different. That’s all I meant, Cole. I’m not an entirely horrible person, and one day you’ll realize that. Do you seriously think that her people would accept you at their family gatherings? What about your circles? Think about Ofosua in Kennebunkport. Would she be comfortable? And if she wasn’t, how would you enjoy your summer? It’s better you end up with someone more like you. Someone who understands your life, your standing in the world. Someone who can help you achieve your dreams. Relationships are hard enough without swimming upstream.”
“Mom, I can’t talk about this anymore.”
“Cole, stop being dramatic. It’s unbecoming. It’s not like you’re in love with her.”
Her words speared me. “I’ll call you later, Mom.”
“Don’t forget to send me her email.”
I shook my head. My mother had said the exact same things as Ofosua’s mother. Two different worlds. That there was no way forward for Ofosua and me. But people made it work all the time. Granted, not without some difficulty, but they did. I’d stood up to my mother but folded when it came to Helen Addo. Maybe it was the messenger. Talking about all of this was much harder with Helen.
Or maybe you’re a fool.
I told myself I’d caved for Ofosua. Because of what was best for her, what was right.
But I was lying to myself.
I was the one who was scared.