29. Chapter 28
Chapter 28
Layne
“Stop whining, it’s just your hair.” I gave myself a hard look over the rearview mirror of Keaton’s Ram 1500 TRX I had parked in front of the hairdresser I’d picked out online.
It was time to chop off my locks. I didn’t want to, but my energy kept waning a bit more every day. Washing my hair was getting more and more exhausting. That was why it had to go, no matter how bad I wanted it long.
As the hairdresser went to work, she indulged me in funny stories that distracted me from the chunk of hair she chopped off. My heart crumpled inside my chest. I loved my long curls. But of course I couldn’t keep them. Yet another thing ME robbed me of. At least I could donate them to someone who didn’t have any hair at all.
A half hour passed, then the hairdresser removed the cape. “There you go.”
I stared at my reflection in the mirror. Wow, that was . . . short. My dark brown hair curled around my head and ears, a little longer at the neck. I loved the way some rogue strands hung into my forehead.
“Thank you.” I gave her a grateful smile. She’d done a fabulous job, even if it wasn’t the cut I wanted.
Heart still heavy, I headed back home and crawled into bed. Every cell of my body burned as I lay there, eyes closed. When the flare let up some, I grabbed my phone and pulled up old pictures and videos. Me and Jasmin laughing tears over something I couldn’t remember. Me and Tripp taking a dip in a frozen lake in the middle of winter. Me and Blake riding bikes on Rottnest Island off the west coast of Australia. Me climbing an overhanging rock wall. I looked vibrant, my body healthy and strong.
The screen blurred before my eyes as tears started to fall. Someone once said that getting a debilitating chronic illness is like losing a loved one. That’s what it felt like. Only I’d buried myself. The lively, energetic Layne I used to be was gone. Didn’t exist anymore.
“How much longer, God?” I whispered. “I can’t do it anymore.” The exhaustion went bone-deep, and I felt so lonely it hurt.
Aching for comfort, I pulled up the audio Bible and pressed play. The Psalms always gave me solace.
I must’ve fallen asleep, because when I opened my eyes, the sun was down, different shades of red and orange painting the sky.
The clattering of keys came from downstairs, followed by footsteps. For a moment, I debated whether I should pretend to be asleep. I didn’t feel like talking to Keaton.
But then he appeared in the door, his mouth parked in that signature smirk of his. “Hey.”
“Hey.” I smiled back.
His lips flattened. “What happened to your hair?”
Completely having forgotten I’d cut it, I reached for it. My heart clenched once again at how short it was. “It’s called style, you should try it some time.”
“You look like a boy.”
Pain pierced my chest so hard that air jammed in my throat. That’s definitely not what a woman wanted to hear. “Then I guess I’ll be more of a man than you’ll ever be,” I growled.
Keaton’s brows drew low. “Did I miss something?”
I forced myself to wait a beat and rearrange my thoughts. Letting out my foul mood on him wasn’t fair. But the boy comment had really hurt. It wasn’t like I wanted this haircut. “Remember when you told me to be honest about what’s going on inside of me?” I asked. “I want you to do the same.”
“Fair enough.” He leaned a shoulder against the door frame and folded his arms. “I waited all day to come home with the intent to kiss you. I’ve been wanting to ever since the gala.”
My heart stumbled. He wanted to kiss me?
Oh, Lord.
“Now I’m here, and you cut your hair and are angry at me, but I’m kinda in the dark.”
“Do you ever think about other women?” I blurted. As soon as the question left my mouth, I wanted to snatch it back. What a stupid thing to ask.
The blank stare Keaton gave me confirmed my thoughts.
I waved a hand. “Never mind.” Where even had that question come from?
“It’d be a lie to say I never have since we got married.” His muscles tensed under his white dress shirt. “I’m aware my reputation isn’t exactly confidence-inspiring, but I’d never two-time you, Layne.”
Maybe not, but you’ll never be his priority.
The thought hit me like a freight train, snagging the breath from my lungs. I was very well aware of that fact, but it still hurt.
“You don’t believe me.” Keaton shifted, and for a second, I thought he would leave. Instead, he straightened, his gaze boring into me.
“No, I do. I know you wouldn’t cheat on me.”
“Good.” The intensity of that one word matched the darkness in his eyes.
“Neither would I.”
Keaton buried his hands in the pockets of his slacks. “All right. What about the haircut?”
I closed my eyes. Took a deep breath. “I had to cut it because my strength is failing me. Washing it zaps all my energy—even brushing it is hard.”
Dropping his chin to his chest, Keaton let out a curse. “I’m sorry, Layne. I had no idea.”
“It’s okay. I like it better long, too, you know.” The smile I gave him felt shaky. Stop crying over your stupid hair, Layne. That’s all it is—hair. It’ll grow back.
“Are you in pain or can I hug you?” He watched me from beneath his brows.
“You can . . . hug me.” I was in pain, but I wanted the hug more. Needed it.
The mattress dipped when he sank down next to me and leaned against the wooden headboard. Before I could sit up, his arm came around me, and he tucked me into his side. My body tensed from the pain radiating through it, but I focused on Keaton’s familiar scent soothing my weary soul. His thumb rubbing up and down my arm.
Thank You, God, for allowing us to clear the air.
“I watched videos of you climbing all afternoon.” Keaton’s solid chest rumbled under my cheek. “You’re amazing.”
“Was.” Another stab into my heart.
“You lost a lot, didn’t you?”
I shrugged. “There’s still a lot I can do. Some people with ME have to lie in a dark room all day. They can’t do anything at all, not even watch a movie or talk to someone.”
Keaton’s chest rose with a deep inhale, then deflated again. “Can’t even begin to imagine.”
“I know.”
“What happened to your fiancé?”
Of course he’d found that information online. “We broke up three years ago.”
“Why?”
“He said he didn’t have the time for both, taking care of me and pursuing his career. He chose his career.”
“Quite the gentleman you were engaged to.” Keaton followed his comment up with a word that made me wince.
“I can’t blame him,” I said. “This illness changed me a lot. Everything we had in common were physical activities, like working out and climbing. I can’t do any of it anymore.” Still, Sebastian had left when I needed him the most.
“Lame excuse. If he really loved you, he would’ve stayed.”
“Maybe. What about you? Have you ever been in a serious relationship?”
“Nah.”
“What’s her name?”
“Whose name?”
“The woman who broke your heart.”
“No one broke my heart.”
I lifted my head to look into Keaton’s eyes. His expression was unreadable. “Then what made you a lady-killer?”
He smirked. “Lady-killer, huh?”
“Lady-killer, womanizer, playboy, the island’s bed mattress . . . Call it what you want.”
Now he chuckled. “Bed mattress. That’s a new one.”
“So, why?”
Those blue eyes bored into mine again. Then he leaned his head against the headboard and stared straight ahead. “Aaron is a pushover. Regina cheats on him over and over, and he does nothing about it.”
“Maybe he doesn’t know?” Looking up was getting exhausting, so I nestled my head back against his pec.
“He knows all right. We caught her with another man when I was twelve. Aaron went to a baseball game with me, but I wasn’t feeling well, so we left early. I’ll spare you the details, but Aaron acted like nothing happened. That day I swore to myself I’d never let a woman trample over me like that.” Keaton sounded detached, like he was reliving the moment. “Seeing her with another man . . . It really messed me up. Not to mention finding out she’d lived a double life for years. Pretty much everyone on the island knew, except us. Turns out I didn’t know the woman at all.”
Wow, I hadn’t seen that coming. It explained a lot. Not that it excused Keaton’s behavior, but it helped me to understand him better.
“I can see how that betrayal cut deep,” I said softly. “Makes trusting hard.”
“It does.”
I smoothed my fingers over the embroidered monogram on the breast pocket of his dress shirt. The letters felt rough compared to the soft fabric. “Is your lifestyle fulfilling? I don’t mean this to be a judgmental question, I’m sincerely curious. I had fleeting encounters with men before I came to Christ, and they always left me feeling empty.”
“Honestly?” He cleared his throat. “It isn’t. It’s self-destructive and makes me indifferent.”
“Then why do you keep living like that?”
“Kinda like a drug, I guess. It makes me feel something, even if just for a moment.”
His honesty silenced me. He was carrying a heavy load, and like Mom, compensated with a self-destructive coping mechanism. Not surprising, though, considering the family he’d grown up in and what he’d experienced with his parents. How could that not screw you up?
“Do you never crave anything more substantial?” I finally asked, my heart aching for him.
Keaton sighed. “I’m not made for a serious relationship.”
“Maybe it just has to be the right woman. One who can help you heal through God’s love.”
“You mean, a woman like you?” He pressed a kiss to the top of my head, sending tingles down my neck. “You have those qualities. Although you’re so quiet and low maintenance it’s almost as if you weren’t here.”
A strangled laugh emerged from my throat. Despite my better judgment, I tilted my head back and looked up at my husband. Found his gaze resting on me, that cocky grin playing on his lips. The lips I couldn’t stop staring at.
“I might’ve been thinking about other women from time to time,” Keaton murmured, all serious now, “but lately it’s been only you.”
My heart rate picked up, and my lips parted of their own volition.
“You sure about this?” he asked, watching me from beneath heavy lids as if he were already kissing me in his thoughts.
A nod was all I could muster.
He dipped his head, his gaze never leaving mine until his breath dusted my face. Then he claimed my mouth. His arm tightened around me, his hand cupping my jaw as he pulled me farther up to deepen the kiss. I clawed my fingers into his dress shirt over his chest. Heat spiraled through me as I tasted coffee and danger.
Somehow I ended up on my back, Keaton hovering over me.
“Layne?” he said roughly.
“Yes?”
“We need to stop.” But he kept kissing me.
I dug my fingers into his back, not wanting him to leave. Felt my self-control slowly slipping away.
A cell phone rang.
Cursing, Keaton broke away. He sat up with his back to me, resting his forearms on his knees but not answering the call. “There’s only one thing that happens when I’m in bed with a woman, and your Bible has rules about that.”
“We’re married.”
“Just on paper, as you said.” He got off the bed without looking at me. “I have work to catch up on.”
Stunned, I watched him stalk out of the room. Had he just turned me down?
An unexpected emptiness settled inside of me. That’s how he would walk out of my life once this year was over. I didn’t want that. I wanted him to stay.
“Not just on paper anymore,” I whispered.
My heart was all in.