24. Ash
Chapter 24
Ash
“Why can’t we go outside, Daddy?” My voice sounded small and frail.
The dark-haired man with blue eyes chuckled from his seat on my bed, while I stood in the center of the room, throwing a ball back to him.
“How many times are you going to ask me that?” he asked.
“‘Til you let me go outside.”
He sighed and tossed the ball back, my tiny arms letting it thud to the ground.
“I’m sorry, baby girl, it’s just not safe for you to go anywhere.”
“But Daddy, I’ve never been outside,” I whined. I scurried over to the window and peeked out at the summer day. My favorite pastime, other than playing with Jackson and Will, was watching out this window. The trees and grass looked so green—the colors outside so vivid compared to the dull, gray building I called home. I wanted to feel the grass beneath my feet and the mud in between my toes—the fat raindrops falling on my face.
He stepped over to the window next to me, and I wrapped my arms around his thigh.
“One day you will get to do all the things you dream about… I promise, Ash,” he said with a sorrowful voice.
“But why not today?”
He sighed again and bent down in front of me. His blue eyes filled with sadness.
“I’m trying my hardest to change things…okay?”
I nodded. I still didn’t understand why I couldn’t go outside and play, but I trusted Daddy.
“Where’s my mom?”
He closed his eyes for a moment, and when he opened them, the corners of his eyes were wet.
“I was afraid you would ask me that one day.”
He paused, swallowing hard. “She died, baby. I’m so sorry.”
I didn’t really understand what that meant. “She’s not coming back?”
“No, she’s not coming back. But she’s always with you…in here.” He pointed to my heart.
“I love her, even though I don’t know her. Did she love me?”
A tear streamed down his face. “She loved you more than anything, baby girl.” He brought his hand up to my face and stroked my cheek. “You look so much like her. She had hair just like yours.” He smiled through his tears.
“Then why did she go?” My lip wobbled. I often watched Jackson and Will with Aunt Izzy, and I wanted my mom .
“She didn’t have a choice. It happened so fast… You came into this world like the feisty girl you are, and she didn’t have a choice. She would have never left you if she got to choose. You’ll understand one day, but for now, Aunt Izzy is your mom…okay? She loves you, too.”
“I know… I love her…and Jackson and Will. I just want my mom.”
He pulled me in and hugged me tightly. “I do too baby, I do too,” he sobbed.
I jerked awake, and I couldn’t see the sky anymore. Where was the sky? I needed to see it like I needed the very air I breathed. I clamored off the ground and yanked the curtains from over the window. Ryan must’ve come in and closed them after I fell asleep. The bright moon beamed back at me, and I scrubbed my hands down my face to get a grip. Why couldn’t I remember my dreams? What was wrong with me?
My hands gripped the windowsill until my knuckles turned white. Air rushed in and out of my lungs and a deep, undeniable sorrow filled my body.
Something moved outside, and a great white wolf trotted through the buildings below my room like it owned the place. Like a ghost in the night, or a figment of my imagination, the beast moved through the dark with animalistic grace. How had it gotten past the wall without the guards noticing? A shiver crawled up my spine. It still hunted us—even in the safety of the King’s mansion.
It stopped below my room and sat on its haunches. My eyes raked over the landscape outside, searching for soldiers. Where were all of them? This was no ordinary wolf. Its predatory gaze wandered around the area, until suddenly, it looked up. I could’ve sworn we made eye contact before I yanked my curtains closed once more. A blood-curdling howl split the night sky and penetrated the walls of my room. I put my back to the window and shook with terror.
Jerek suddenly threw the door open and rushed inside. “What was that?” he asked with wide eyes. He yanked the curtains open behind me, but when he did, the wolf had vanished.
“Was there something out there, Ash?”
I nodded, hugging my arms across my chest. Something was wrong. Terribly wrong.
“Hey, you okay, Princess?” Jerek looked at me with furrowed brows.
I nodded again, swallowing hard.
He cursed. “No you’re not. You didn’t even glare at me for calling you Princess.”
I shrugged—I couldn’t do this with him right now. I didn’t have the energy for the banter. Every bit of blood in my body was on fire with anxiousness that I couldn’t tamp down. It was happening again. The panic took over, my heart beating too fast and my breaths turning ragged in my lungs. The walls closed in on me. I needed to go outside so I could breathe. On the outside, I was the face of strength, but on the inside, something was very wrong with me. How could I ever trust again? Would I always be alone ?
Jerek hurled a bunch of curses before racing out the door. I scared him away with my actions. I fell to the floor and wrapped my arms around my knees. Tears cascaded down my face.
More footsteps approached, but I could barely hear them. My ears were fuzzy, and the darkness crept in.
“Blondie…” Why had he gotten Kane? He couldn’t see me like this—he couldn’t see my weakness. My panicked breaths came harder.
“Ash, look at me.” I think that was the first time he had used my real name since the night I met him in Cedar Hill. He pushed his scarred hand between my arms and head and forced my chin higher until all I could see were slate eyes, so dark they were almost black.
He yanked his hand away suddenly and pulled his fist to his side with what I could have sworn was a slight tremble in his hand and wide eyes. “You are stronger than this. Learn to control yourself or it’ll overtake you.”
“I…can’t…breathe,” I whispered. “I need…outside.”
“No,” he said harshly. “You’re capable of anything, anywhere. Only you can fix this.”
He was right. I had to learn to get through it. No one else could fix my broken mind but me. I couldn’t let this become my downfall. I already let Kane and Jerek see too much. Something sparked between our eyes, and I felt like Kane could see down to the depths of my soul, like he understood me inside and out and knew exactly what I needed.
“Breath,” he commanded.
I pulled lungfuls of air into my chest, but it still didn’t feel like enough. He grabbed my hand like it pained him and placed it on his chest .
“Look around, take in your surroundings. Feel what’s around you. It’ll ground you, bring you back to reality. Feel my heart beating in my chest. It’s real. Whatever’s happening in your head isn’t.”
I felt Kane’s powerful muscles under my touch and his calloused hand over my own, pressing it into his body. I tried to do what he told me and take in my surroundings. Focus on what surrounded me. The soft blankets under my legs. The cold surface of the wall against my back. The way Kane’s thumb slid back and forth across my hand. His nostrils flared, and he breathed just as hard as me. His eyebrows furrowed, searching my face.
“How often do you have these dreams?” Kane asked.
How did he know that was what set it off?
“Speak, Ash. Words,” he demanded.
“Every…night…but I can’t…I can’t remember.” My voice was rough in my throat.
The oxygen must have finally made it back to my brain because I realized whose chest I gripped like my life depended on it. Kane’s disheveled hair fell over his forehead like he’d been sleeping, and only half the buttons were pulled together on his shirt. I yanked my hand back and scurried away from him.
He closed his eyes for a moment before standing.
“Better?” he asked, and I nodded.
“Good, it’s time to train.”
He waltzed out of the room without looking back, expecting me to follow.