51. Ash
Chapter 51
Ash
The lies felt vile in my mouth. They tasted putrid and wrong, especially with Kane standing in the room, boring holes into the side of my head with his eyes. The way Gabe’s hands touched me made me want to crawl out of my skin. I loathed every moment of what happened, but it was my mess to clean up. I couldn’t let Jerek pay for my mistakes. Gabe was so desperate for me to be on his side and prove to the King that love wasn’t weakness that he overlooked all the red flags.
Now, trapped in my room, I sat on the chair, staring at the wall. Gabe dropped me off here with another kiss, and as soon as he left, I ran to the bathroom and tried to scrub any ounce of him off my face and my hands. But the disgustingness of his touch still lingered. Kane came not long after and brought more guards and told me I couldn’t go anywhere anymore. The whole time he spoke to me, he wouldn’t meet my eyes. Then, he left without another word.
Did he hate me? The man who’d been searching for me for years now loathed the very sight of me? How could I tell him how sorry I was for wanting to save my oldest friend from sure doom. I failed Kane, and I’d do anything to fix it. Even pretending to love a man that I loathed with every fiber of my being. I shoved the bitter tang of hatred back down. A few more days, then I could let it all out. Our plan remained in tact, and if everyone played their part, that would leave me to take care of Gabe. I reveled in the prospect of causing him pain—making him feel everything that I felt.
My mind kept wandering back to Kane. Would he ever forgive me?
I stared down at Pop’s book and the picture of the little girl, tracing my thumb over the petite girl’s features. The way the girl’s lips connected to her nose looked familiar. That’s when I saw it. It all made so much sense. The picture—it was me. A picture from when I was just a child. Of course Will had a picture of me; how else would he have known what I looked like? My hand flew over my mouth, and in that moment, whether it was old feelings surging to the surface or new ones colliding with the old, all I wanted was to see gray eyes.
The day of the winter solstice ticked closer. One more day. One more day of torture, then I could release all the feelings that threatened to overwhelm me. Sam came to escort me to training earlier than usual, with Jerek nowhere in sight and three other soldiers I didn’t know outside my door. One of the unnamed soldiers walked with us to the training building but then remained outside the door, guarding the exit. We walked through the open space of the training center, with no one in sight until we came to a secluded part of the building with a door I’d never noticed before. Sam pushed the door open, and I heard the sound of fists hitting a bag. I narrowed my eyes at him. I’d never been in this room before. Sam nodded, and I took a deep breath before walking inside, the door shutting behind me.
Kane stood with his back to me, hitting a bag hanging from the ceiling with bare knuckles and no shirt. His back muscles flexed as he attacked the bag, and sweat glistened down his skin.
“Kane,” I called quietly. He didn’t stop—he attacked even harder, if that was possible.
“Jackson,” I said this time.
He instantly stilled and ducked his head until his forehead rested on the bag in front of him.
“You’re early,” he breathed.
His demeanor had shifted dramatically. The snarky, smirking beast was gone, leaving the defeated man beneath. He wouldn’t look at me, and I feared the worst. He despised me for what I’d done. I swallowed, feeling more than I should have. Had I lost him forever? I sucked in a steadying breath before I spoke. “Are you okay?” I asked, walking up behind him .
He nodded against the bag, and I stepped to the side so I could see his face. The bleakness that consumed his features could rival the darkest of nights.
“Go back to your room, no training today,” he muttered.
“Kane…” I whispered. He hurt deep inside, and I recognized that kind of pain, as it mimicked my own right now. “I’m so sorry.” My voice broke with emotion.
He raised his head from the bag for the first time and looked at me; his stormy eyes swirled with so much pain. His brows drew down when he spoke. “Sorry for what? That you were thrown into this situation without a choice? That you drew the shittiest possible DNA donors? That your father threw you to the wolves? That even after all Etan did to you, you didn’t want to see him doomed?” He paused, breathing hard.
I crossed my arms over my chest and stared at the floor.
“You forget that I see you, Ash. I know your intentions. I know that you still loved Etan for who he was. I know that you have the most pure and kindest heart of anyone I’ve ever met. You try to hide it under layers of sass and strength, but I know you feel everything . I know you care too much about people who don’t care about you, and that’s why you try to isolate yourself—so you don’t have to feel anything. I know you didn’t want to give up on Etan. I saw that from the very beginning, and I don’t blame you for it. I’m not angry at you for letting information slip in order to save someone you loved.”
My eyes rose to meet his, heavy with unshed tears. His words hit like a punch to the gut. No one had ever seen me so clearly as Kane did.
“I am angry at you for pretending to love him back and letting him touch you with false consent. You should never let anyone touch you who you don’t want to.”
“I had to save Jerek,” I said. “I couldn’t let him pay for my mistake.”
He whipped around and interlaced his fingers behind his neck. “And you saved him. You saved all of us from more questions, but you shouldn’t have had too!”
“I want revenge. I want Gabe to suffer. I want to make him bleed. He killed Rafe, he chose the King over me, and he knew that Nan died and didn’t tell me. I want him to pay.”
Kane walked over to me, gazing down into my eyes. “But at what cost to you?” he whispered.
“Jackson,” I murmured, searching his gray eyes. I don’t know what came over me, but it felt right to use his real name.
He stepped back. “Don’t call me that. I’m not the same boy you once knew, Blondie. I’m not him. I have done things that would disgust you. Don’t look at me like I’m that boy who was always there for you when you were younger, because he’s gone. I’m Kane now.”
His words slammed into me with so much force I had to take a breath to steady myself. I wasn’t the same person I used to be either. I fished out the picture I’d tucked in my pocket and held it up for him to see. “This is me—isn’t it?” I asked.
He stared at the picture under his lashes with a sad expression.
“Where did you get that?”
“Will.”
He reached out and took the picture from my hand, the places where his skin touched mine tingling with heat .
“I drew this a few weeks after we left Hope with a paper I stole and charcoal from the fire. I was so afraid that I would forget you.”
It felt like someone dropped a rock on my chest. I became what I am, for you. “You did all of it just to find me?”
“I swore the day that Liam took you from me that I would find you again. You and Will were my everything when I was little, and when you left, it felt like a piece of my heart got ripped out of my chest.”
“Kane…”
“I’m no better than Etan. I lied to you, too. I lied to protect all the blondes we’ve been hiding, but that doesn’t make it any better.”
He turned toward me and stepped closer as my eyes began to water. I peered at his chest again and the ink swirling over it. The intricate sun and moon design over his heart with stars shimmering around them. So many stars dotting the intricate swirls that wove over his arm and up his neck. The sun burned bright around the moon, and it was then I remembered the words he had said to me all those years ago in the little room we were trapped in.
“If you’re the sun…” I whispered.
“Then I want to be the moon,” he finished quietly.
He reached up and brushed away a tear that ran down my cheek.
“I’m not a good man anymore, Ash. I’ve done terrible things to find you—to ensure the King trusts me. And I hate that it’s staining your soul too.”
I put my hand on his chest and traced the sun and the moon design. He tattooed the area over his heart to remember the words we’d said to one another all those years ago.
He looked down at my hand. “One star for everyone I’ve lost, for everyone that deserves a chance in the heavens. ”
I closed my eyes, and I bit my lip to keep it from wobbling. I kept my hand on his chest, and I opened up all my feelings for him where our skin connected. I knew the instant he felt them; he sucked in a breath and wrapped his arms around me. The sadness, betrayal, longing, loneliness, anger. It all came bubbling to the surface of my mind for him to see.
“I’ve been alone for so long,” I sobbed against him. “I missed you and Will, and I didn’t even know it, but you did. You knew the dreams I was having.”
“I’m so sorry. You were so broken and untrusting. I knew I couldn’t tell you anything. You had to figure it all out for yourself—you would have never listened.”
He saw me like no one ever had. He saw the very darkest parts of my soul, and he accepted me regardless. He held me in his arms for a few minutes, his chest rising and falling against my cheek. He tensed right before he spoke again.
“He made me torture someone I knew yesterday,” he whispered, and I squeezed him tighter.
“I’m so sorry.” I felt guilty for the part I played in this. He had to do these things because of me. “Your actions don’t define what’s in here.” I tapped on his chest over his heart.
My words rang with truth. No matter what he had done, I’d never believe he was a bad person. I saw him for who he was, as he did me.
“What are you doing for Maximus?” I pulled away and looked into his gray eyes.
“Since the day I turned eighteen, I have been searching for you, but going around from town to town wasn’t working. I had to get on the inside. I volunteered to be a soldier on recruitment day five years ago. I started my training and rose through the ranks quickly. I figured with more power, I could get closer to the King to see if you were with the rest of the blondes. I fought; I did everything I was commanded to—even the things that I still cannot stand to think of.” He swallowed hard, his throat bobbing.
“But it wasn’t enough. I knew I had to do something to get the King’s attention. I was out on patrol one day, when bounty hunters brought in a blonde man. I used my ability to find his. He had exceptional hearing. Word spread to the King of what I had done. He brought me in; he took me to the Pit. He made me find others’ abilities. He made me kill to show that I was on his side. When he was satisfied, he appointed me head of the bounty hunters. I searched through all the blondes in the Pit; I looked at every single blonde the bounty hunters ever brought in, and it was never you.”
He slid his hand over mine. “I’ve been using my position to get blonde women and children out, but I also have to bring them in. So, I bring in men who have agreed to fight with the rebellion. I have been building up an army in the Pit for the last two years. They’re just waiting for word to attack.”
“How does he keep them contained, especially with all their abilities?”
“He keeps the men busy in the mine. They’re too exhausted to even use their abilities most of the time, besides when they pull a few of them out for underground fights.”
“The blonde woman…” I breathed, seeing the image of her bloody face flash through my mind.
“You must know, I took you there to show you how strong you can be and show you the brutality toward the blondes, so you wouldn’t fall deeper into Etan’s clutches. I tried to get Kyra to change her mind, but she’s stubborn to a fault. Anyone can volunteer to fight—a lot of men do when they get angry enough, and a lot of them win, but Kyra—“ He shook his head. “She’s mad too. She wanted the opportunity to beat the shit out of a soldier. She’s a lot like you—tough as nails, not afraid to get her hands dirty, and very, very fast. I thought she’d win that fight, actually.”
“Is she okay?” I asked.
“She’s fine. I think her pride was wounded more than her body.” He chuckled. Kane’s hand glided down my arms, and his fingers interlaced with mine.
“Did you know that the King is using the blondes’ blood to inject into the soldiers?” I asked
“Yes, he’s convinced the blondes that there is something wrong with them, and the blood draws are for testing to cure them. There is a building in the Pit. No one is allowed in, not even me. After they draw the blood from the blondes they take it to that building. Doctor Jones and a few other doctors have been inside, but other than that, no one goes in or out.”
“The blondes can’t actually believe that something is wrong with them, can they?”
He nodded. “It’s hard not to believe when all you’ve been told your whole life is that you’re a freak and you’re caged in.”
My heart sank for the blondes in the Pit.
“I have changed it. The men and women who I’ve sent there are spreading word that nothing is wrong with them but the tyrannical fear of the King.”
“Who hates them and yet uses them for his own gain,” I spat.
“The more time I have spent around Maximus, the more I learn that he is very cunning. He understands what drives people to act a certain way. You have to be extremely careful around him. He will use everything he can against you, especially if he knows your fears–just like the cougar.”
I stilled thinking of that dreaded night in the arena. “Have you tried to touch him, just a bump, to see if you can see his plans?” I asked.
“Yes, but he has been around blondes too much. He knows that there are people out there like me, and he knows that someone close to him is betraying him, but he doesn’t know who. He keeps his distance from everyone. He is very careful who he speaks freely around. His secrets are very closely guarded.”
I felt like we were fighting an uphill battle that we would never win. The King had too much power and control. What could one woman and one man do against it? Helplessness crawled into my mind.
“Tell me something good,” I murmured, playing with his fingers.
“There are more people out there willing to help than you think. Most of them don’t know any different. We created a beautiful place for blondes to go to escape. It’s on the coast, always warm. My mom is there with Hawke, her husband. They’re in charge now.”
I could cry. A sanctuary for blondes actually existed. It was something I’d always dreamed of and now my dream had become reality. “How has the King not found the sanctuary?”
“It’s hidden in the cliffs next to the ocean. The only way to get in and out is on a boat around the cliffs. It’s hard to see from the ocean, unless you know what you’re looking for. All you have to do is go to a town called Bayview and ask for Izzie of Isles, and they will take you to it.”
The room fell into silence as we sat with our fingers entwined .
I thought of all the things that had happened over the last months that had led me here. Would I change it? Would I change growing up with Nan and Pop? Would I change falling for Gabe? I could see clearly now. Gabe didn’t love me, not really. He’d lied to himself so much he lost himself in the process and didn’t know how to love anymore. I wasn’t sure if he truly even knew what love was. It didn’t matter If I wanted to change it or not, the past was the past and now all that mattered was the future. All that mattered in this moment was my hand in Kane’s. A thought popped into my head that had been annoying me for some time.
“The books on my birthday…, was that you?” I asked.
He smirked. “Did you like the romance one?” All this time, I’d given credit to Gabe for that, and it turned out to be Kane all along. Everything good in my life—; it was all Kane.
I snorted. “I wanted to throw that one out the window.”
“What? That was my favorite book.” He laughed.
“That was the worst book I have ever read. How do you stand such a whiny woman who can’t do anything for herself and sits up in her tower all day, waiting for a Prince to come rescue her?”
His husky laugh echoed through the room, and he covered his mouth with his hand, and I knew the book was a joke the whole time.
I socked him across the shoulder, laughing. “You are the worst!”
“You liked that story when you were little.” He chuckled and I shook my head. Our laughs quieted down once more and Kane clutched my hands and pulled closer. A line formed between his brows as he looked down at me.
“You are the only thing that has kept me tethered when I thought I was losing myself. You are my sun, Ash. You are the light to my darkness. If I had to do it all again to find you, I wouldn’t hesitate for a moment. I would destroy my soul if it meant I could simply be near you.”
My breaths became shaky.
“You’re not alone; you’ve never been alone. Even when you hated me and didn’t know my true identity—I was there. Even before Will found you, I was there searching for you and looking up at the stars every night over the roar of the waves, praying for divine inspiration that would lead me to you. You’ve never been alone, and you will never be alone because whether I’m physically with you or not, I will always be thinking of you.”
I gazed into the swirling depths of his eyes, and I felt more at home than I had ever felt in my life. I believed that every human, at their core, wanted to belong. A longing so intense that at times, it felt like the weight of the world was too much. But now, at this very moment, with Kane looking down at me like this and the newfound knowledge that he had always been there, belonging and acceptance were the only things I felt.
He leaned closer, and our lips were only a breath away. The smell of salt and leather emanated from him. Was it wrong that I wanted his lips on mine? I knew he found me attractive, but did he feel something more for me? It was unfair because I exposed everything to him when he touched me. He knew how I felt, but besides his words, it was hard for me to tell what he thought.
Kane’s eyes flickered to my lips before slowly rising again. My heart fluttered onward, skipping beats as the air charged between us. He leaned closer until his lips grazed mine—the barest of touches. His breath became as labored as mine felt. I leaned in further, until our lips melded together, heat exploding through my body from where his lips touched mine. His hands moved over my hips, pulling me flush against his naked chest. I ran my hand up the hard muscles of his upper body and wove around the back of his neck. His lips felt too soft for his hardened exterior and his hands too gentle. All rational thoughts left my mind as our bodies collided and moved perfectly together.
A sudden, fleeting thought flew through my mind, and even after all Kane had confessed, fear still clutched on to my heart like a leech in a mossy pool. He’d said time and time again he wasn’t Gabe, and I knew that, but I couldn’t tell that to my wounded heart. Doubts gnawed at my mind. What if I was foolishly falling for another man who’d only destroy what remained of my heart? Was I so stupid to be kissing someone else already?
Abruptly, Kane’s lips left mine, though his hands continued to hold on to my hips. His eyes remained hooded and dark with need. “Your thoughts are very loud,” he murmured.
I swallowed hard. Obviously I wasn’t as good at keeping things from him as I thought. “Kane. I’m sorry, I—“ I looked down at my hands, searching for the right words. His hand lifted from where it rested on my hip and moved under my chin, until my eyes met his again. “Blondie, you’ve been through hell and back.” He took a deep breath.
“I hate that he hurt you so much it continues to affect your trust in me, but your feelings are valid. I’m sorry. I couldn’t keep my hands to myself and my lips off yours any longer.” His thumb stroked over my chin. “But I won’t touch you again unless you ask me to.” It sounded like it pained him to say it, but he pulled his hands away and stepped back. The tiny bit of relief that washed over me couldn’t drown out the regret of pushing Kane away. Something about his touch felt like home; it felt right. Like I’d finally found what I’d been searching for my whole life. What if I finally found him, only to lose him tomorrow? I couldn’t let him in right now. It was too much with everything else going on.
“Ash,” Kane said softly, pulling me out of my thoughts and back to him. “It’ll be okay. You’ll learn to love and trust again.”
I bit my bottom lip to keep it from trembling. I hoped he was right.
“Now let’s work on your ability. Maybe it’ll make me feel better about not being with you tomorrow night.” His lip quirked up. “Shit, who am I kidding? No it won’t.”