Chapter 29
Jansen
I pause on the sidewalk outside Atelier in Manhattan Beach. Here I am. This might be crazy, but I want to do it.
I got on a flight in San Francisco a few hours ago, rented a car at LAX, and now here I am. I have to do this fast because Bianca’s leaving on Saturday.
I push inside and am greeted by a luxurious, feminine scent that pairs perfectly with the décor of the shop—brick walls lit with track lights, antique wood tables piled with neatly folded clothing, more clothing hanging on brass racks. I’ve been here before, many times, but not since Stephanie and I separated.
I see her behind the counter, tucking tissue paper around a customer’s purchase. She smiles at the woman and slides her purchases into a glossy bag.
I amble closer, hands in my jeans pockets, and she sees me. Something flickers on her face, but at least it’s not horror or hatred. She knew I was coming; I texted her yesterday. If she said no, I’d have to figure out something else, but she was agreeable to meeting up with me for coffee.
The customer moves away from the counter and Stephanie looks at me. “Hi, Jansen.”
She’s as pretty as ever—pale blonde hair, high cheekbones, dark blue eyes, wearing a black dress that’s wrapped around her thin frame like a bandage, covering her from neck to mid-calf.
“Hi.” I incline my head. “How are you?”
“I’m good! How about you?”
“Yeah. Good. Great.”
“We can go into my office.” She leads the way through a door, down a short hall, and into an office. It’s decorated in a similar style to the front of the store, with an antique desk on the wood floor, a thick pink rug under a couple of armless chairs upholstered in turquoise, pink, and green.
She holds out a hand to one of the chairs and I sit.
“Coffee?” she asks, nodding at the Keurig on the credenza.
“Sure.”
“Just milk, right?”
She remembers. “Yeah. Thanks.”
When we each have a mug in our hands, she sits too and gives me a curious but wary look. “This is a surprise.”
“I’m sure.” I grimace. “You’re probably wondering what’s going on.”
“Oh yeah.” She grins and nods.
I pull in a long breath. “I’m not sure where to start. I have questions for you.”
Her eyebrows shoot up.
“But mostly I want to say some things, also.”
“Okay.” She lifts her mug to her lips, regarding me with interest.
“Did you know I moved to Napa?”
She nods slowly. “I did. Austin told me you bought a winery.”
“That’s right.”
“That was a surprise.”
“Yeah. I know it sounds nuts.” I lift one shoulder. “But I really like it. It’s hard work and I have a lot to learn but it’s going okay.”
“Well, that’s good.”
She’s being very patient.
I rub my mouth and look away briefly. “I met someone.”
“Oh.” She nods. “That’s…good.”
“Yeah. Except I kind of screwed up.” I want to vomit. I fight back the nausea.
She doesn’t react. Just waits.
“I remember when we split up you said some things about how you felt. You said you felt like I didn’t love you anymore.”
She purses her lips, nodding slowly. “Yes.”
“Because I wouldn’t talk to you about how I was feeling after I retired.”
“Right.” She blinks a few times. “You were obviously having a hard time. I tried to talk to you about it, to get you to see someone, but you kept saying you were fine, you just needed to figure things out.”
“Yeah. But I wasn’t figuring things out.”
“No. You weren’t.”
“Is that why you cheated on me?” Fuck, it’s hard to ask that.
She closes her eyes, then sighs. “No. Maybe. Partly? I don’t know. I felt like you were shutting me out. Like you didn’t care enough to talk to me. Or share things with me. We were supposed to be partners.”
A burning sensation traces down my chest and into my gut. “Yeah.”
“I’m not blaming you,” she adds quietly. “I screwed up. I guess neither of us was that great at talking. I should have told you how I was feeling. Instead, I…well, I thought someone else would make me feel…wanted.”
“I’m sorry.” I lower my chin then lift it. “I am so, so sorry I made you feel like that.”
Her face softens and she presses her fingers to her mouth.
“I’m seeing now that I did have some responsibility in why our marriage ended. You’re right. We should have been partners.” I pull in another big breath. “So I apologize for that. Not an excuse, but I was having a hard time. I was pretty depressed, although I didn’t realize it. It was hard to make myself care about anything.” I wince. “That sounds bad. I did care about you. But I just had no interest in anything. I had zero energy. And I had zero interest in talking about it. I kept telling myself nothing was wrong. I tried to pretend I was okay. My parents kept telling me to get over it.”
She covers her face with one hand. “I don’t think it works like that.”
“No. It doesn’t. I felt…like a failure.” Yeah, talking to Moose was easier than this. But I forge on. “I gave up my career and I had nothing else. I didn’t know what to do. I felt worthless.”
Her face tightens like someone just punched her in the stomach.
“And hopeless,” I add. “I had nothing to look forward to.”
She ducks her chin. “Not even me.”
“It’s not a reflection of you, Steph. It was me.”
“Okay.”
“Like I said, that’s not an excuse, I just wanted to explain to you. And apologize. And I wanted to understand how you felt because I don’t want to—” My windpipe squeezes shut and I cough. “I don’t want to make the same mistakes again. I remember my hockey coach in Ottawa always said ‘you either win or you learn.’ It’s taken a while, but I want to learn from what happened.”
“What happened with your new girlfriend?”
I’ve never really thought of Bianca as my girlfriend. But I like it. I want her to be my girlfriend. “She’s going back to Argentina.”
“Whoa. She’s from Argentina?”
“Well, no, but she was working there. She has a great job. She’s a winemaker.”
“Oh.” Her eyes widen.
I tell her about what happened, like I told Miles and Nolan, and she too slaps her forehead. “Jansen.”
“I know, I know. I’m going to tell her how I feel. I am. But I wanted to learn. And to apologize to you. Maybe it’s closure?”
She drops her head back against the chair. “Well. It takes two people to make a marriage work. Maybe it takes two people to make a marriage fail?”
I don’t want to take all the fucking blame. She cheated on me. Bottom line, I couldn’t get past that. But I do recognize that she felt unloved and unwanted. “I wish things could have been different.”
She nods.
“But they weren’t. And here we are. You and Bones are okay?”
Her mouth lifts at the corners at my use of his nickname. His last name is Boness. “Yeah. We’re good. But…thank you. Because I needed to learn some things, too.”
I smile thinly. “Let’s hope we both don’t make the same mistakes.” I set down my cup on a small round table in front of us. “Thanks for making time for me. I appreciate it.”
“Of course. I’m actually glad we talked.”
We both stand and she leads me out to the front of the store. At the door, she says, “Go get your girl.”
Now I grin. “I’m gonna try.”
I have two more things to do before I fly back to San Francisco.