Chapter 27
Twenty-Seven
Baby
“How’s it feel?” I ask her and her whole face scrunches up in absolute joy.
“Amazing!” She hugs me and I laugh. “Oh, Babe, deciding this man was the only one for me for the rest of my life was the best decision I ever made.”
I try not to feel sad, but all of Audrey’s joy is reminding me that I don’t have that. She deserves her happiness, but I’m kind of drowning.
“Thank you for letting me be a part of it.” I mean it.
“Thank you! I actually thought you were going to turn me down.”
I purse my lips. “I kinda was planning on it. I mean, I wanted to be here for you, but I was also scared.” For stupid reasons.
“I get it, but I’m so glad you did. I think it really helped Zeke not feel so alone in there.”
I smile. “Good.”
He was definitely nervous. His sexuality was not shared, but discovered by people he never planned on telling.
Zeke played a huge part in my high school misery because he was terrified of being himself, but today he surprised me by taking my arm as we walked down the aisle.
People will talk—they can’t help it. That’s something he’s very well versed in, but he did it anyway.
Forgiving him was a relief. It allowed me to be proud of him. I know how scary being yourself can be, but he’s doing it. He even brought a date—a guy.
We don’t talk for long before she’s being summoned, and I’m left all alone.
I watch her for a few moments and try to soak up some of her glee, but it’s easier said than done.
Being happy that she is doesn’t make the hollow feeling in my chest go away.
I look for the table my moms are at and spot them in one of the corners of the room.
“It was a beautiful ceremony.” Flo fusses with the collar of my shirt the second I take my seat.
“It was.” I smile, as if on cue. She’s not wrong.
It was definitely pretty—Audrey made sure of that.
The rehearsals didn’t fully prepare me for the extravagance, but I should have known better.
And this, all the lilies and anemones, all the sage green and sky blue, the subtle gold accents—it’s beyond stunning.
She’s a lucky gal with great taste. There was a moment where I thought I should be taking notes for the future, but marriage feels impossible right now.
That thought pretty much kills my smile.
I know Flo catches it, the change in my expression, but she doesn’t ask about it.
She’s been very careful with me while I’ve navigated all this depression.
It’s appreciated, especially because I know that she’s the reason Gen hasn’t given me a lecture, but it also makes me feel guilty.
They think I’m going through a breakup. They don’t know that we weren’t really together.
In their defense, my nervous system doesn’t either.
To me and my pathetically broken heart, even knowing what I do, it feels like a breakup.
This type of sadness is unlike anything else I’ve ever experienced.
It’s left me with an all-consuming sense of longing.
There are pieces of me missing, and every part of me wishes I could take it all back.
Part of me always knew that it would end like this. I have no idea what comes next. I don’t know how to cope after losing everything I’ve ever wanted.
I’m glad my moms were invited to the reception and the ceremony. I couldn’t have known how much I’d appreciate having the support, but it’s a small comfort knowing that I would have someone to sit with.
Nobody was mean to me. I didn’t hear any whispers or complaints as I walked down the aisle with Zeke.
It was a celebration of love, and that’s how it felt.
I mean, that’s what it looked like as someone on the outside looking in.
As the only one living my life, it often becomes difficult to remember that I’m not the most important person in the room at any given moment, but this is definitely one of those times.
I have no choice but to shove any and all feelings for Logan aside. Today is simply not the day.
Lucky for me, I’ll have the rest of my life to wallow in despair.
“Can I have my phone?” I hold my hand out to Gen.
Audrey was very adamant that none of us carry our devices into the church, so I gave mine to my mom when I left the house this afternoon.
“There’s an open bar,” I say offhandedly as I turn my phone back on.
I’m hoping that if my moms have a drink of their own, they won’t care so much if I do.
“Sort of,” Flo says with a hint of snark. “They have a very short menu.”
I hear the beginnings of Gen’s attempts to convince her that’s a good thing as I scroll through the influx of notifications on my screen, each one making my heart pitter-patter that much harder. The very first one that caught my eye was from Logan.
It’s a good thing you’re so cute because you’re kind of an idiot.
It immediately pissed me off seeing that, but the more I read, the more I agreed with him. A brain-eating amoeba would go hungry if it were unlucky enough to find its way into my very pretty head. Liz gave him a ride home—that’s all.
This is as relieving as it is embarrassing. I should have asked—something he said so himself. It would have saved me a lot of grief if I had confronted the situation head-on, but coward that I am, I ran.
I laugh. I’m a wimp. An insecure wimp. And I am an idiot—something I already knew, but it feels extra true now that Logan has acknowledged it as well.
“What’s so funny?”
I look up at my mom and laugh again. “Your son has not a single brain cell.”
“Don’t say that, darling,” Gen, my very loving and far-too-serious mom, chastises me. “You’re very smart.”
“Yes, well, I have ample evidence that that would suggest otherwise.”
“Something to do with Logan?” It’s Flo who asks, so I shouldn’t be surprised. She always knows way too much.
“Yeah, he…” I shrug, suddenly shy as I talk about my big ol’ doof.
Mine. I giggle, a rush of pure delight swarming my insides.
I cannot wait to drive straight home after this, just get in my miniature car and haul ass.
There are so many things he said over text, but he said there are things he couldn’t say until he saw me in person.
If it’s even half as sweet as these messages, I’ll probably melt.
Death by swoon—it’s a very real possibility.
“He’s coming this way.”
“What?” Gen and I ask at the same time, just as Flo points at something behind me. “Ohmygod,” I say, stunned to see him. Logan’s actually here.
He’s wearing a suit—it’s slightly wrinkled and paired with his work boots, and his hair is haphazardly pushed back, but I’ve never in my life been so enthralled by someone’s mere existence. I’m at a complete loss for words.
He stops about a foot away from me, and I wait. I start to worry that he’s forgotten what words are too, but then he holds a hand out and says the corniest corniest thing anyone has ever said to me in my whole life: “Nobody puts Baby in a corner.”
My mom, Flo, gasps dramatically behind me. There’s no way he understands what he’s done. I put my hand in his and step into him hurriedly—we have to get away from her right this second.
At least I know one mom likes him.
I expect us to walk outside, or at least go somewhere quieter, but he leads me right into the thick of things.
“What are—”
“We’re dancing.”
“Logan,” I whisper urgently.
“Come on, it’s not dirty dancing. Slow, like you wanted.”
He’s right. I did want this, but I don’t know how. “I can’t.”
He knows that. “That’s okay. I can.”
I don’t argue. Mostly, I’m just happy that he’s here, touching and talking to me. I don’t know any steps, but I suppose I can handle looking foolish for him. In fact, I think I’ve already proven that.
He gives me a full-blown smile, and it’s too much. I have to look away.
“Just don’t go all Swayze on me.”
He takes the lead, holding me with sure and steady hands.
I’m very aware of my feet, of all the other people around us.
Staring at his neck is all I can handle at the moment.
It’s not easy for me to admit when I’ve fucked up, but where he’s concerned, it’s all I seem to do.
I take a deep breath to prepare myself for the very long-winded apology he deserves.
“I thought… well, you called me a girl’s name,” I say, a renewed anger giving me the courage to look him in the eye.
“I did not.”
“You literally kissed me and said Liz.” I take a step back and cross my arms haughtily.
“You asked me how I got home. I gave you an answer.”
I think about it and slowly lose all my fervor. “You should have answered faster.”
“I should have.” He chuckles, taking hold of my waist and pulling me back into this almost-dance. He moves my hands where they need to be, and then, to make sure I feel extra sorry, he leans in and kisses my forehead. But I’m me, and I do have one more thing to say before I can get to the apology.
“I don’t think she should be giving you rides anymore.”
He breathes a hushed laugh against my hairline. “Yes, dear.”
“I’m serious.”
“So am I. Won’t happen ever again.”
“That’s… you can’t just agree with my every unreasonable whim, Logan.” No wonder I’m struggling so much to rein in my own toxicity. He’s an enabler.
“It’s not that unreasonable. I feel the same way about you and Zeke, so…” He shrugs.
I tilt my face up, needing him to see me when I tell him this. “I lied. I mean, he is here, somewhere, but we’re not together. I don’t… I’m not I’m mad at him anymore, but he has a boyfriend. Also, I wouldn’t do that.”
He likes that, the reassurance. The soft smile I see in his eyes tells me it was something he’d hoped for. “Me either. It’s just you for me.”
I whimper and shove my face against his chest.
∞∞∞
Every time I open my mouth to ask Logan if he’s lost his mind, I chicken out and end up saying nothing. He probably has, but I don’t want to be the one to tell him so.
“If we get caught, how mad would your moms actually be?”
I consider it for a moment. “Flo thinks you’re the sweetest. I don’t think she’d care. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if she already knew you were in here.”
He scooches closer, further testing the lines of my obedience as he invades my side of the bed.
He reaches out to tuck a piece of hair behind my ear, and I close my eyes.
Gen might not be too happy to find a boy in my room, but I certainly am.
Especially this one. She sent us off to bed and checked to make sure that we were in the rooms she left us in.
His cheesy performance at the wedding didn’t impress her as much as it did Flo.
“Baby?”
When I open my eyes, he’s even closer.
“I can’t…” He pauses to clear his throat, nervous in a way I’ve never seen from him before. “I don’t think I can handle it if this ever happens again.”
“What do you mean?” It’s a distressing thought even without the details.
“It was easy for you, but I’m not—I can’t.” He shakes his head, close enough to my face that his nose brushes mine. “I’m not perfect—it’s possible I’ll mess up somehow, but you leaving like that can’t happen again. We gotta talk about things. Okay?”
I nod my head and then decide that’s not enough.
“Okay.” That’s not enough either, but thinking of what I can say to ease his mind isn’t as easy as I’d like it to be.
Cade called me a couple of days ago and told me that Logan was sad.
He was moping all over the apartment, not eating, not sleeping.
I did that—and all because my own insecurities refused to let me believe that Logan could actually want me. “Am I your boyfriend?”
I don’t have a way with words, but even I know that wasn’t the best segue.
He reinforces that thought when he doesn’t immediately tell me that I am.
The longer he takes to reassure me, the more I wish I could take it back and reword it so I save some face.
The only reason I don’t is that my own desperation won’t let me. I need to know what I am to him.
“Baby,” he finally says, voice so soft that it makes me ache. I’m forced on my back as he rolls on top of me. “You’re my everything, love.”
My chest expands, so much warmth and affection filling me up that I swear I could burst. That’s it then. That’s all I needed to know. “I love you,” I tell him earnestly, needing to finally speak it out loud.
He kisses me silly, and I’m so thrilled I can hardly contain my laughter.
“Shh,” he whispers, but there’s no way I can stop. I didn’t know a person could ever be this happy. “You’re gonna get me in trouble.”
He’s wrong, but gets his way regardless—it’s a lot harder to laugh with his tongue in my mouth.
I don’t know how long we go on just like that, a jumbled mess of limbs and tongues, but eventually my ribs start to cramp, and I have to gulp down air or risk passing out.
He could have gone farther, just splayed me open right here on the bed I grew up in, but it’s a good thing he didn’t.
Gen really is a stickler for rules. Probably where I get it, to be honest.
While I recover, he continues his loving assault. He places delicate kisses all over my neck and shoulders, lavishes his attention on my chest until I’m desperate for more. I grab hold of his hair and tug, forcing him back up.
God, I love him. I love him so fucking much. I can’t believe he loves me—
“Wait.” I rip his head back, my grip in his hair making it easy.
“Ah.” He places his hand over one of mine, but doesn’t even try to loosen the hold.
“You didn’t say it back.”
“So you’re going to rip my hair out?”
I let go. “But…”
“Baby, of course, I love you.” He presses his nose against my cheek and says it again. “I love you.”