Chapter 40
For the first time in Lilibeth Ilagan’s whole existence, she chooses to buck superstition.
She called up my sister, told her we were picking her up and driving to the Memorial Park. Achi had a ton of questions, but all Ma said was that we didn’t need to do the usual protocol.
Usually, once we set foot inside the cemetery, Ma gives us a red envelope and a pouch of rice that we’re supposed to throw away as we exit. Even when Achi mentioned to my mom that she had an extra ang pao in her bag, Ma said we didn’t need any tonight.
“We want the spirits to follow us this time.”
You would think that forgoing all her beliefs would turn Ma into a jittery mess, but she’s the definition of calm and composed.
She calmly led us to Pa’s grave, calmly lit the incense, calmly walked back to the car, and is currently calmly driving us home.
Plot twist: The one who’s the actual jittery mess is my sister.
From the back of the car, I can hear Achi’s deep breathing in the passenger seat.
She’s been huffing and puffing like a woman in labor.
I bump the back of her seat with my knee. “Why do you sound like you’re choking?”
Her voice is out of breath when she asks. “Can we stop for a CR break?”
“When we get back to the condo, you can go up to use the bathroom first,” Ma answers, her eyes never leaving the road.
“What about food?” Achi lifts her chin so our eyes meet in the rearview mirror. “Niks, do you wanna stop at Potato Corner?”
My sister just initiated getting fast food. I thought the world would end before this ever happened.
Against my own cravings, I tell my sister that we can’t stop for fries. “We’re not supposed to pagpag. The whole point is that we’re going straight home so that Pa follows us there.”
Has my sister’s mind been floating this whole time? Ma and I have been discussing nonstop about how if we can’t find Pa anywhere, maybe breaking pagpag again will bring him back to us. I don’t get why she’s acting like she never received the point of our mission.
Unless … is she sabotaging the mission on purpose?
“Do you not wanna see Pa?”
She gaslights me in response. “What’re you talking about?”
“You’re distracting Ma with CR breaks and french fries.”
“My bad for thinking you might be hungry,” she says with a scoff. “Even before seeing Dr. Broso, you wanted pancit canton.”
Achi and I yelp when the car suddenly swerves, and Ma parks on the side of the road. Since when did my mother drive like she’s in one of those Fast & Furious movies?! “Nika is seeing Dr. Broso?” Ma darts her eyes at Achi and me.
“No!” we both deny while my heart is still pounding.
“It’s what kids Nika’s age say, Ma,” Achi says.
“R-right.”
Judging from my sister’s silence, I’m assuming she’s leaving it up to me to explain.
“When Achi said I’m seeing Dr. Broso…” I think and clear my throat. “It’s not like seeing, like getting therapy. It’s like when I’m seeing someone, I think they’re cool.”
Ma stays silent while Achi looks at me like I’m not the one salvaging her stupid excuse.
“Since Dr. Broso is so accomplished, ‘I’m seeing Dr. Broso’ is sort of a compliment,” I ramble away. “And like you, Ma, with your bakery. My classmates would also say, hey, auntie, I’m seeing you.”
The only thing I wish I’m seeing is an exit to this conversation.
A beat passes before Ma sighs. “You’re really terrible at lying, Nika.”
“I … I’m not…”
Am I supposed to defend my “I’m seeing you” explanation or the fact that I’m actually an excellent liar?
Then my sister, for no reason, throws me under the bus. “That’s why I keep telling you, Niks, to not make up so many stories—”
“Isa ka pa.” Ma cuts Achi off. “Don’t pretend that you don’t hide things from me too.”
Achi stammers. “Ma, I never—”
“When you help out with the bakery, I know you don’t charge the company. I know you’ve inquired about renting out your condo and asked the bank about my retirement fund planning. I know you borrowed my superstition notebook because you were nervous about your GRE exam.
“I also know that my brilliant daughter got awarded a fellowship to one of the world’s best psychology programs but wants to turn it down so she can take care of her family.”
My sister doesn’t deny any of it. I don’t remember the last time I saw her tear up without her shades on.
“And right now, you’re scared that I’ll break down again if your papa’s spirit doesn’t show up.”
Achi’s shoulders tremble when she answers. “I don’t want to see you like that again.”
Ma gives my achi space to cry and places her hand on top of my sister’s. “You’re the one who’s been taking care of this family, Jackie,” Ma says. “Let me take care of you too.”
I lean closer to Achi’s seat and stretch my arms to hug her when she bawls harder. “I’m always seeing you, Ach.”
She laughs between her sobs. “That’s such a stupid lie.”
“Whatever. You like my stupid lies so much that you’d rather room with me than go be the smartest person with the alligators in Florida.”
Ma shoots me a look that makes me feel like I’m in trouble.
“Sorry,” I add, and wag my finger at Achi. “Make sure your housing is far away from the alligators.”
“Annika,” Ma warns.
“Promise, that was my last joke.”
“Remember that you can tell me things, too, okay?”
“Ma, I’m not hiding anything.”
Achi scoffs. “Please.”
“What? Ma and I just had a heart-to-heart. I’m an open book!”
“Oh, you are an open book,” Achi agrees. “It’s so obvious when you’re hiding something.”
“When the two of you would turn on the ceiling fan to hide that you’re arguing at the bakery,” Ma prompts.
Achi and I gape at Ma. “You knew about that?”
Ma cocks her head at us. So this is where Achi gets her I-know-more-than-you-think head tilt from. “Why do you think you girls are so smart?”
My sister then adds, “How about all the times Nika used the upset-stomach excuse to get away from things.”
“She was saying she was suffering from PMS even before she had her first period,” Ma says, chuckling.
“Hey,” I protest. “I was an early bloomer.”
Ma nudges Achi. “How long do you think she’s been trying to hide her and Seph?”
“The most obvious people alive.” My sister rolls her eyes. “Was that ten years in the making?”
“I still think she’s too young to date.” Ma gives me a pointed look with that. “But at least he’s a good boy, and they were always so cute together. Remember when she burned her bangs because she was ironing her hair out for one of their rehearsals?”
“She was always in a rush whenever we got in the elevator, but if Seph’s there, she’d give this whole lecture about how it’s common courtesy to hold the doors open.”
My chest twists into knots the more they talk about Seph. God, I really miss him.
“Hey, can we move on from talking about me, please?”
“But isn’t this your favorite subject?” Achi teases.
I place my hand over Achi’s mouth, and face Ma’s direction in the driver’s seat. “If we’re telling you our secrets, Ma, you have to confide in us too.”
My words stretch on while Ma starts the car again and makes the turn to our condo’s parking structure. Then she says, “Parents are supposed to protect their kids.”
“But, Ma.” My sister holds on to Ma’s knee. “Who’s the one protecting you?”
Ma doesn’t answer and the car goes quiet when she switches off the ignition. Her hand hovers over the door handle before she steps out.
“The day you two saw me at Dr. Broso was my first appointment,” she says, her voice shaky. “Derrick told me how much grief counseling helped him, and I think … I might need it too.
“Do you girls want to go with me for my next session?”
Ma’s eyes glisten when the two of us agree with no hesitation.