Chapter 43
FIVE MONTHS LATER
You would think my sister would take a break from our therapy homework for graduation day.
We’re already fifteen minutes behind schedule and Achi thinks this is the appropriate moment to pull out her Wheel of Emotions.
I made her a pocket-size copy that she can take with her once she leaves for Florida, but I really should’ve given it to her closer to her flight.
“What are we all feeling right now?” she asks.
Jackie Ilagan, everyone. My sister switched from Ms. Emotionally Constipated to Ms. Let’s Talk About Our Feelings.
Dr. Broso introduced the Wheel of Emotions during one of our earlier family therapy sessions.
She typically goes through us one by one, asking each of us how we’re doing.
My turn was usually the shortest. I always said the same thing, “Nothing much going on.” We only get an hour, so I figured Achi and Ma needed all the time they could get.
But a few sessions later, Dr. Broso looked me in the eye and said, “Nika, if you’re shoving your issues under the rug, that means you’re shoving yourself under the rug.”
She then showed me her Wheel of Emotions—this circular graph that’s supposed to capture the range of human emotions. “Sometimes, we have trouble expressing ourselves because we don’t have the words to describe what we feel.”
After handing me the graph, Dr. Broso said, “Take a look at this. Maybe this could be a good tool for you.”
Don’t get me wrong. I’ve seen both Inside Out movies, so I was fully aware that people have emotions and can name the appropriate colors assigned to each one. Although under the sad category, the wheel branches out to other feelings:
Lonely.
Vulnerable.
Guilty.
Grief.
I didn’t realize that there are so many ways a person can experience sadness. These are all the feelings I’ve never spoken up about with my family.
My sister shoves the wheel in my face again and I cry out, “Achi, we don’t have time!”
Unfortunately, Ma also doesn’t see the urgency of our current situation. “Didn’t Dr. Broso say that our emotions are sending us important information? We should pay attention to them.”
I sigh and land my finger on the wheel. Stressed.
Achi takes her turn and points to Nervous.
Ma’s hand lands between Sad and Happy.
“Great! Now that we’ve gotten the wheel out of the way, let’s move!” I start ushering Ma and Achi out of the condo when Auntie Baby greets us at the door.
“Look at our graduate!” she exclaims as she puts a dozen flower leis around my neck.
Her face is fully made up and she’s wearing a pin that says Proud Saint Agnes Alumna on her dress.
“Half of the leis are for Kayla, but I’ll let you hold them for now.
Thank goodness I caught you. I thought I’d be too late to pick up my ticket. ”
I turn to Ma for help. Is Auntie Baby expecting a ticket from me? My quota for three graduation tickets was already used up by Ma, Achi, and Dr. Derrick.
But Auntie Baby answers my question for me.
“Did you hear about your classmate who got suspended for sneaking in alcohol on campus?” Auntie Baby lowers her voice and Ma’s leaning in like she’s saying, Tell me more.
“Grace found out because the student was one of the altar servers! Apparently, the girl was pouring tequila into the Mass wine. Father Melvin was rambling and slurring his words while delivering all his homilies last week!” Auntie Baby gasps with Ma as if she’s hearing the news for the first time too.
“Tragic, really.” Auntie Baby shakes her head. “But when life offers us tragedies, we look on the bright side. I figured that this girl’s graduation tickets would go to waste, so I personally volunteered to take them.”
“Very selfless,” I say, and wince when Achi kicks the back of my leg.
“Of course.” Auntie Baby beams at me. “I’m not missing seeing my two girls graduate.”
Auntie Baby holds up her arms and I forget the time for a moment to sink into her hug. Big shout-out to my altar girl classmate who made Father Melvin drunk with tequila. She made me realize that it would feel like someone’s missing if Auntie Baby weren’t there at graduation.
Just when I thought we were finally ready to go, Auntie Baby tells me she needs to borrow my student ID to claim her tickets.
I sprint to my bedroom and grab my ID in record time …
Then my eyes land on the plastic egg that’s still on my dresser.
Speaking of someone missing …
I never even figured out what was inside this plastic egg Seph gave me all those months ago.
When I twist open the lid and unfold the rolled-up paper inside, I find a long list of song titles.
“Torete”—Moira Dela Torre
“Always Be My Baby”—Mariah Carey
“Can I Have This Dance”—High School Musical Cast
“so american”—Olivia Rodrigo
At the bottom, he wrote, worked hard to remember the titles of the songs that remind me of you.
There’s more when I flip to the back of the list.
my heart’s always been yours, ilagan.
will you go to prom with me?