2005 Grace #5
Abigail patted my hand. “It’s been a while since I heard about Cyrus.”
“The last time I saw him was in court.” I picked up the bouquet and put it into a vase. “He kissed me,” I blurted out.
“And?” She looked at me, shock and curiosity on her face.
“Then he apologized. I think he thought he’d been awfully inconsiderate.”
“And what did you think?”
The words caught in my throat because the thing was…
“I thought the same. I’m not ready for a relationship.” My answer was curt and direct. On the one hand, this was the truth. On the other hand, the truth was cold and dark, repulsive and disgusting—still wonderful in its horrible realness.
During the day, I chased false dreams. And at night, I sat in a dark room, dreaming about someone who was in jail.
Because as difficult as it was to admit, I needed him, even though I hated him.
I needed him to be there with me in the darkness.
While I masturbated to our shared memories, I wasn’t alone, I wasn’t lonely.
Because Chase had become part of me.
A memory from 2004
Four years after kidnapping—I was 19
“What are you doing, Grace?”
“Eating ice cream,” I replied, and sank my spoon into the tub.
Chase took off his T-shirt and tossed it on the ground. His nice abs, the sides of which formed a V-shape, drew my gaze.
“You stopped selling drugs?” I took my eyes off him and put the spoon into my mouth.
Chase trusted me now—he hadn’t closed the door of my room for a month.
“No. Why?” he asked, then sat down on the cold tiles beside me. He dipped his index finger into the sticky chocolate ice cream and licked it off with an exaggerated movement.
“Your clothes smell like freshly felled trees. Like sawdust.”
“I work at a logging company on the side.”
I nodded and continued eating.
“May I?” he asked, pointing at the spoon I’d just lifted to my mouth. My gaze flickered between him and the spoon.
“Yes,” I replied quietly. I didn’t dare say no.
Chase leaned closer and looked deep into my eyes while he licked the ice cream off the spoon, then touched his cool lips against mine. His cold tongue found its way into my mouth, and the sweet taste of chocolate exploded on my palate. I moaned in desire.
Chase set the small ice cream tub aside, took me on his lap, and undressed me. We caressed and kissed each other frantically, burning with insane passion—we were like a couple of teenagers in love.
When he took off his pants, I lowered myself onto his dick. And my goodness… I went absolutely crazy. I let my body and its raging hormones take control.
This is just sex. That’s what I kept telling myself.
Despite all the abuse he’d put me through, I still looked forward to having sex with him every time.
I had tried masturbation on several occasions, but it was never as good as having sex with him. Chase still remained a monster in my eyes, but I could use his body to feel good in my own skin.
“Chase,” I whispered against his mouth.
“Hmm?”
“Why didn’t you just ask me out on a date? Why didn’t you try to approach me another way? Why did you kidnap me?” I couldn’t stop the tears streaming from my eyes. I climaxed, crying.
“Because you didn’t want to notice me, Grace. You were way too smart not to avoid someone like me.”
“You couldn’t have known!” I shouted and started pounding his bare chest with my fists. “You couldn’t have known that!”
He grabbed my wrists and waited for me to calm down.
“I hate you, Chase! With all my heart!”
“Yes, I could feel it. But you know what, Grace? If this is how you hate me, I don’t give a damn about anything else in this world.”
“Fuck you!” I shoved him away and stormed into my room, hurt. I slammed the door after me… and not much later, I heard the lock click.
“In that case, it might have been a coincidence that he’s here. Maybe it has nothing to do with you.” Abigail’s voice tore me from the sticky, sweet web of the past.
“What?” I was startled and looked out the window, which had pink stickers all over. I saw the acid-green Pontiac parked next to the curb. The sight of Cyrus filled me with sweet tingling and icy fear at the same time.
He walked toward us with heavy steps. My heart beat strongly with every step.
When the golden bell chimed and he entered the shop… my world flipped upside down. We just stared at each other for a long time, because our first meeting—and the relationship it birthed—was a distorted canvas that had no colors or shapes, only raw reality.
While we got lost in each other’s eyes, Abigail quietly left the room.
“Should I help you choose, or do you know what you want?”
Cyrus knitted his brows and looked down at me sternly.
“I’m not here for flowers.”
“Then what are you here for?”
“I’d like to take you out for a hot dog.”
“Oh my gosh!”
We both looked at the storeroom, then smiled at each other.
“Sometimes I’m not sure that her hearing is that bad,” he whispered.
“Me neither.” I bit my lip, timidly.
“I’ll wait for you outside,” he said, pointing his thumb toward the car behind him.
Abigail seemed to pop out of thin air. “Grace is done for today. She hasn’t done what I asked her to do, anyway,” she grumbled. “Get me a hot dog too, and drop it off on your way back. I’ll be in the storeroom.”
“Okay.” I took off my apron and hung it on the coat rack, then glanced down at myself. I was still wearing the second-hand clothes I’d been given two years ago. When I needed anything else, I went to Missy’s Second-Hand Clothing Store.
We drove out to Lake Thunderbird State Park, where the place was buzzing with life.
It belonged to people who loved the water—two marinas, nine boat ramps, and two swimming beaches.
The green lawns were dotted with colorful umbrellas, picnic blankets, and sun-seekers. Food vendors lined the walking path.
I felt uneasy in the crowd, but inwardly, I was smiling because everyone gave Cyrus a wide berth. His badge was dangling from his neck, but I had a feeling that wasn’t the only reason.
Once we got our hot dogs, Cyrus pointed to a bench far away.
“Perfect.” I nodded and leaned in close to him as we headed there across the lawn.
Some people had set up tents beside the forest, in the shade of the trees. I watched the girls and boys my age—the girls in bikinis, the guys in swim trunks—curiously, but not too obviously. They were free, having fun, enjoying life.
The bench Cyrus had picked was far from anything that could have disturbed us. We sat facing each other. I instantly started wolfing down my hot dog while he stared off into the distance. The soft sound of the waves against the shore muted the bustle of the people.
I felt as if the silence were suffocating me, so I broke the silence. “I can’t believe this.”
“You can’t believe what?”
“How much of a ‘scaredy-cat’ you are.” I made quotation marks in the air.
“No, I’m not,” he said, smiling. “It’s just—” He halted. The sunrays glinting off the waves danced on his face.
“You don’t know what’s appropriate or inappropriate when it comes to a girl like me.” I smiled. “To be honest, I don’t know, either…” I licked the mayo off my finger.
“I just wanted to know what’s up with you. I don’t wanna make a move, Grace. I’ve been thinking a lot about you these past couple of months… I saw the place you had to go back to—and also, how unpredictable you can be.
His words tore into my soul like icy shards.
“I’m fine,” I deflected, my face burning with shame.
“Well, if you aren’t…” He handed me his card. “You can call me anytime.”
“Thanks.”
I had lied to him. I was lonely and afraid. I felt as if I were swimming against the current, suffocating, because no matter how much I tried to get closer to Nikky, to belong to a happy family… my siblings did not care about building a new family from the ruins.
July 2007
The heat was almost unbearable.
In the wooden farmhouse, the ceiling fan was circulating the warm air.
The fields had dried out, and deep crevasses had appeared in the courtyard, crisscrossing the ground like spiderwebs in an empty pantry.
There were grasshoppers in our living room, looking for food.
The wind had piled up tangled, dry plant remains on the front porch.
Without the cover of other buildings or trees, the summer storms were cruel.
We couldn’t open the windows because the raging storms would have brought in all the sand.
Scary sounds could be heard in the fenceless courtyard, and in the house.
The wind gusts were throwing the window shutters around and shook and swept the dry remains of crops across the fields.
The whole wooden house was creaking. But the scariest thing was the whisper of birds’ wings drifting through the air.
That night, terrifying, bright lightning bolts streaked the dark sky—and our souls.
We rarely ate meals together, but when all three of us were at home at dinnertime, I tried to recreate the atmosphere we had had back when our parents were still alive.
I made mac and cheese and iced tea. Every time, I hoped that we’d get closer to each other.
I naively believed that if we joined forces, we could move away from that farmhouse.
Jamie was eating the warm food silently, while Nikky was picking at her plate with her fork as if she were looking for poison.
I couldn’t contain my resentment—usually, I shut up and didn’t start a fight with Nikky, but by that point, I was getting really tired of trying to get into her good graces without success.
“Why are you doing this, Nikky? Why do you hate me?”
“Because you’re a sanctimonious little hypocrite, Grace.” She tossed her fork on the table, while Jamie continued eating slowly with downcast eyes.
“What?” I replied, shocked.