Chapter 12
Who’s ready to have the best night ever?” Sheridan yelled.
I blinked at him.
It hadn’t worked.
I was back.
I had done the one thing I could think of to do to end this, and it hadn’t achieved anything. What did that mean?
What was I supposed to do?
Was this just my life now? Never moving on, never moving forward, just endlessly starting over?
“Me! I do!” Manny said, stopping to take his selfie and causing the same bottleneck as always.
“We need to move,” I murmured as I navigated Bryony out of the way, my thoughts spinning. I walked over to the bench and sank down on it. Attempting to help Freddie hadn’t worked. Un-wishing this hadn’t worked. Trying to make amends hadn’t worked. So was I just going to be stuck here, at Grad Nite?
Forever?
“That was close,” Bryony said, and I mouthed the words along with her, feeling in that a growing sense of dread and unease. Were we going to keep having these same conversations? These same discussions? For eternity?
“So, what should we do first?” Bryony asked, as she looked around, her voice bright and energetic. “I definitely want to do Radiator Springs Racers—you do, too, right? And Spider-Man…” She looked down at me and her smile faltered. “Cass, are you okay?”
I shook my head—I didn’t even feel capable of pretending anymore. Because why say I was okay and then stumble my way through the night, knowing I’d just have to do it all over again, and none of it would matter? What was the point?
What was the point of any of it?
“I’m not doing so great,” I said, my voice coming out faint. It was also how I felt—like the world had just started spinning much too fast. I suddenly remembered a fact about Groundhog Day. According to the screenwriter, he’d intended Phil to be stuck in his loop for decades.
The thought of that much time, trapped here, crashed down on me like a load of bricks. I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t.
But what if I didn’t have any other choice? What were my options?
“I’m going to go get you some water,” Bryony said, like I knew she would, already backing away.
“Thank you,” I said faintly, as tears sprung to my eyes. “You’re such a good friend.”
“Just sit tight, okay?” she called, already hurrying away.
I hunched forward, putting my face in my hands, trying not to notice that my heart was racing and my breath was coming shallowly—not great signs, but then, probably reasonable responses to learning that you might be stuck in a loop in perpetuity.
“Cass?” I sat up and saw that Amy and Carlos were walking toward me, Amy frowning. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
“And where’s Bryony?” Carlos asked, looking around.
“She went to go get Ms. Mulaney,” I said dully, since I knew that was exactly what would be happening now. Bryony would show up with Ms. Mulaney and a bottle of water. The manuscript would scatter. She’d get a call from her agent with bad news.
The thought of having to live through it again—of nothing ever changing, of this being my life—was enough to make my heart pound again.
“We should get you some help,” Amy said, looking more and more worried.
“Help’s coming,” I assured her. “I mean, as much as one can be helped when there’s no future and just an endless purgatory.”
“Uh. What?” Carlos asked, widening his eyes at his girlfriend.
“Yeah,” Amy said, looking more worried than ever. “What does that mean, Cass?”
“Hi!” Bryony ran toward me, water bottle in hand, Ms. Mulaney next to her.
“Are you okay?” Ms. Mulaney asked. “Bryony said you were sick.” She looked at Amy and Carlos and gave them a nod. “Hi, you two. Cass just needs some help, and it might be easier without a crowd, okay?”
“Okay,” Carlos said easily, starting to walk away, reaching out for Amy’s hand. She pushed it away.
“What do you mean, okay?” she asked, shaking her head. “Our friend needs help and you’re just going to walk away?”
“Uh, yeah, when a teacher tells me to I am,” Carlos said. “What’s the big deal?”
“The big deal is that you have to be there for your friends!”
“But not when you’re specifically told not to be there!”
“Guys,” Ms. Mulaney said, her voice firm. “Please just take this elsewhere, okay?”
I gave Amy a nod, and she shot me a faint smile in return. Then she and Carlos walked off—Amy, like always, avoiding holding his hand by playing with her bag strap.
“What’s going on?” Ms. Mulaney asked.
“I just…” I started, taking the water bottle with shaking hands.
“I just don’t feel great. Everything is spinning and…
” I swallowed hard. I didn’t know how to explain that we’d had this conversation before, that I’d lived this night before, that the enormity of infinity was rising up to swallow me whole, like a whale.
“Let’s go to First Aid,” Ms. Mulaney said.
Her voice was getting teacher-serious, like she wasn’t going to brook any arguments, and this wasn’t a discussion.
“It’s that way….” She gestured, her tote bag slipped, the contents spilled out.
I watched it all happen but didn’t make any move to help.
What would be the point? This tote bag was going to forever crash to the ground, whether I picked up the pens or not.
It would be a literal exercise in futility, and one I had no interest in undertaking at the moment.
“Let me get that,” Bryony said, picking up the rubber-banded pile of papers.
“Thanks,” Ms. Mulaney said, tucking everything back in her bag.
This was normally when I asked about the pages that I knew were her novel.
But I also knew what happened to the novel by the end of the night.
So why bother having the conversation? The agent didn’t like Ms. Mulaney’s book.
Eton Mess’s performance ended in disaster.
Carlos and Amy would break up. And all of this would just keep happening, over and over again, and there was nothing anyone, especially me, could do about it.
“Bry!” As expected, the Emmas were coming toward us, Emma R. carrying her plastic Disney bag.
“Hey, guys,” Bryony said, giving them only a half smile before she turned back to me, her eyes worried.
“Hi, Ms. Mulaney,” Emma R. said. “I thought you were going to be in the chaperone area?”
“I was,” she said, nodding. “But Cass isn’t feeling well. I’m going to take her to First Aid.”
“I’ll come,” Bryony said immediately.
“There’s no point.” I let out a shaky breath, trying to regroup.
“I mean, I think I just need to lie down. See if the dizziness stops. But you—you should hang out with the Emmas. Go on the real roller coasters. Have fun. You deserve that.” Tears were leaping to my eyes again, and I blinked hard, trying to keep them at bay.
“I don’t want to just ditch you.”
“No, you should have a good night,” I said, standing up on unsteady legs. “You all should. And I’ll join you when I feel better. Promise.” I wasn’t sure I sounded at all convincing, but Emma J. and Emma Z. nodded, clearly ready to move on with their nights.
“I don’t know,” Bryony said, her brow furrowed.
“It’s for the best,” I assured her. “Really. We’ll hang out again.”
“Let’s go to Guardians!” Emma R. said. “And then maybe later you can join us, Cass? When you’re feeling better?”
“For sure,” I lied, already starting to walk in the direction Ms. Mulaney had pointed.
Ms. Mulaney directed us toward Carthay Circle, and we walked in silence for a moment or two, Ms. Mulaney shooting me concerned looks, while I just concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other. “You’re in a lot of pain, huh?”
“Yes,” I said, hearing my voice catch. I knew I was a few minutes at best from bursting into tears. “I really am.”
She pointed ahead of us, and I could see a door I’d never noticed before. It was tucked away, but printed on the glass door, unmistakable, was FIRST AID. “I can tell,” she said, shaking her head. “And on your Grad Nite, too. It doesn’t seem fair. You only get to have this once.”
“Yeah,” I said sarcastically, with a short laugh.
“Sure.” Ms. Mulaney glanced over at me, surprised, when her phone rang, just like I knew it would.
She reached into her tote bag for it, and her eyes widened when she saw her screen.
“This—this is a call I really need to take,” she said, her voice nervous and hopeful.
“I’ll get myself to First Aid.” We were just feet away, after all.
“And…just…” I took a breath. I knew I couldn’t do anything about what she was about to go through, but I wanted to try and mitigate what I could.
Even though it didn’t matter, and it never would.
“You’re the best teacher I ever had. And I think you’re great. No matter what what anyone says. Okay?”
Ms. Mulaney smiled at that, looking touched, and I nodded at the ringing phone in her hand. “Good luck,” I said, and turned and hurried toward First Aid. I glanced behind me to see her take a deep breath and answer the call.
“Hello? This is Courtney Mulaney.”
Ms. Mulaney walked away, and I stood by the entrance, hesitating.
This was usually the time of night I would have gone to find Freddie, back when I still had some hope about what the night could bring, when I still thought I might be able to fix anything.
But there was nothing else to do—nobody I wanted to see, nothing that was going to change.
And so, going to the infirmary did sound like a good idea.
It would be a place, at least, where I could sit in a quiet room for a little bit and try and grapple with what was happening.