Chapter 19 Landon #2
Declan smiles. “We have a few now. My brother Logan has one, my brother Finn and his wife just had a third. The first girl grandchild, which is a big deal to my mom. She’s taken on the role of grandma like a fish to water.
But she’s not a nightmare about it. My sister isn’t having kids, and my mom is totally cool with it.
Abbott and I made the mistake of telling her we’re starting to plan a family, though, and she’s already sending me emails with baby name suggestions. ”
Grady looks shocked by that, and everyone notices. Abbott smiles at him. “I know. I didn’t think I’d be here either.”
Something passes between them briefly. If Declan notices, he doesn’t seem to mind.
I, for some reason, feel a knot of jealousy twist in my gut.
Are Abbott and Grady friends? From before we were traded?
Because Abbott’s talking like Grady knows more, deeper things than the superficial conversation we’re having.
Declan reaches for the salad for seconds and looks at me, then Grady.
“Either of you thinking of kids and a family?”
I can hear Abbott smack Declan under the table. Declan startles and lettuce escapes the salad tongs and drops to the table. He looks confused. “Did I stick another one of my feet in my mouth?”
I clear my throat and sip what’s left of my beer. “I just got out of a long-term relationship. But it’s not a touchy subject. I probably won’t have kids, even if I find someone else.”
Everyone looks a little shocked. I open my mouth and almost clarify my statement, but instead, I reach for what’s left of my water glass and shrug. “I had cancer. There’s a strong possibility my boys don’t swim anymore. Ang… my ex didn’t want kids, so she wasn’t bummed.”
“I’d love kids,” Grady says, pulling the focus off me, thankfully. “I just don’t see it in my cards. But I’m sure my sister will have them and I’ll be the fun uncle.”
“Funcle,” Declan smiles. “That’s what my brothers’ kids all call me.”
The conversation moves on. I barely participate.
After the blueberry parfait that Abbott apparently made from scratch and is hockey season-approved because it’s made with Greek yogurt and a protein crumble, Abbott takes us onto the porch, where he talks more about the season, the management, and how we’re feeling so far.
I let myself get distracted by the sound of the surf crashing on the dark beach just a few yards away and the roar of thoughts in my head.
About Grady wanting kids, being in the closet, having such an ability to ‘belong’ in any situation.
He’s not scared of anything… except telling people he’s gay.
“When you retire, do you really think they’ll give Conner the C?”
Retire? Did Abbott just say he was retiring, and I missed it completely? I’m a self-absorbed moron. Abbott nods. “Yeah, and I’m sure the PR department and even the owners will be thrilled when I’m gone. The media shitstorm of having the first openly gay player as the captain hasn’t been easy.”
“And you wonder why I won’t say anything,” Grady mumbles.
Abbott smiles. “I didn’t say it wasn’t worth the hassle.”
Wait… what? Abbott knows about Grady? Since when?
“I’m not retiring because I have to. I’m sure if they don’t renew my contract for next season, I’ll get offers, but I don’t want to put Declan in a position to leave his job and his family obligations.
The Hawkins are super tight-knit knit and I’m very close to my sister and her kids.
Also, I’m pushing thirty-five, and the injuries are happening faster and lasting longer.
If we’re going to do this kid thing, I want to be able to pick them up without my shoulder dislocating or my knees grinding. ”
I nod a little too vigorously. “Yeah. Of course. Makes sense.”
“But if I did want to keep playing, I wouldn’t worry about what city can handle a gay hockey player and what city can’t. I spent too long in the closet trying to make other people’s lives easier, and all it got me was rehab. Fuck other people.”
“Honey, we don’t do that,” Declan chides with a smile on his face. “This marriage is closed. You’re stuck with me and only me.”
Grady and I look at each other at the same time. I fight a blush, and Grady stands up, rubbing his palms on his pants before reaching for Declan’s hand. “I gotta go, so I’m well rested for the game tomorrow. Thank you so much for having us over.”
I stand too and thank them both. I can’t help but notice that while Declan shakes Grady’s hand, Abbott pulls him in for a hug. Both men shake my hand. Watching Abbott hug Grady annoys me, which is wildly inappropriate, and I know it.
As we walk down the dark street after saying goodbye, Grady’s steps are faster and longer than mine, so I find myself fighting to keep up.
Finally, I just give up and let him walk ahead.
But when he gets to the stop sign, he turns to wait.
I stare at him, my gut churning with jealousy I don’t have a right to have. “Why does Abbott know you’re gay?”
He looks stunned, like he definitely wasn’t expecting that. “I… I was just going to ask you if you wanted to come see my place. You haven’t seen it yet.”
I was hoping that’s how tonight would end.
Or that he’d come back to the cottage. We haven’t been together since the night in Beverly Hills.
When we got back from that road trip, we had two days off, and Grady explained his mom asked him to come home for his grandmother’s birthday.
He just got back today in time for morning practice.
“I thought you were in the closet.”
“He’s gay.”
“So… you told him because of that?”
Grady makes a face, and that delicious meal in my gut starts to spoil. “Landon, do you want to come to my place or not?”
“Why are you in the closet?” I ask, ignoring his question. “I mean, your family seems pretty liberal and loving. And supportive.”
“The Garrison are,” he says and shoves his hands in his pockets. “It’s freezing. Can we move?”
Without waiting for an answer, he continues walking.
I walk beside him, careful of the icy patches.
A few steps down the road, he speaks again.
“My sexuality is my own. I’m not a franchise player.
I’m a middle-of-the-pack goalie who is expendable.
I don’t even really have the hockey legacy to prop me up. ”
“Yeah, you do. Your last name is legendary.”
“Because of my uncles, not my dad. I’m still out here trying to prove my branch deserves to be on this family tree,” he replies. “If there’s anything at all that makes me seem like a hassle or liability or even a mild annoyance, I’m not gonna be traded. Because no one will pick me up.”
“So you’ve put your love life on hold so that you can continue to have a career on the off chance that there’s some homophobic team owners out there who wouldn’t bother attaching themselves to a Cup-winning goalie if he was gay.”
“Are you judging me?”
“I’m trying to understand you.”
“If it’s not a big deal, why don’t you tell people you like guys?” Grady asks, and his tone is hard.
“Because I don’t like guys, I like you,” I reply calmly. “And I guess the only person I can talk to about that would be our captain because he’s the only one who knows you’re gay.”
The air clouds between us, and Grady huffs out an angry sigh. My street is to the right, Grady’s apartment is four blocks farther east. “It’s late. I’m tired. I’ll see you at the rink tomorrow.”
I watch him walk away and try not to choke on the feelings clogging my throat. Like anger that I fucked up the night and jealousy that, I think, my captain has seen my crush naked and done all the things to him that I haven’t had a chance to… and now may never get to do.