Chapter 24
Nikki dropped me at the office the next morning to collect my things.
Four hours of sleep had dulled the migraine’s edge but done nothing for the hollow ache of loneliness in my chest. The precinct halls were conspicuously empty, no sign of my team, no messages waiting in my locker.
The text I’d sent Angel still sat unread.
As did the report I’d submitted for his review.
Ivan had been unusually eager to come home from Xavier’s high-end borrowed apartment across the Veil, which should’ve set off alarm bells.
But between ensuring Grandpa’s fridge was stocked and corralling Ivan and Peanut Butter back to my apartment, I’d managed to avoid thinking too hard.
Now, after a scalding shower that left my skin pink and raw, I planned to lose the day in laundry and takeout, anything to keep from staring at my silent phone.
No word from Hanna yet about my mandated training. No SED agents or military officials kicking down my door. I focused on Ivan instead, watching him tease Peanut Butter with a feather wand. Nox materialized in his Maine Coon form, twitching his tail at the toy.
“Want me to dangle that for you, too?” I asked my brother.
Ivan flipped me off without looking up. “Jerk.”
“If I were a cat, I’d be all over that fuzzy worm thing.” My voice sounded strangely hollow, careful. The last thing I wanted was Ivan worrying about me. I’d spent my childhood walking the minefield of my parents’ emotions, and Ivan had enough of his own trauma without adding mine.
Peanut Butter executed an impressive backflip, growling when Ivan tried to reclaim the toy. Nox watched with interest, as if studying the cat for future reference.
“You okay?” Ivan asked.
“Sure.” The lie came automatically, polished from years of practice.
“Where’s Angel?”
The question hit like a sucker punch. “He’s healing.”
Ivan’s eyes narrowed. “Must’ve been bad if it put a shifter out of commission. Shouldn’t you be with him?”
The shower hadn’t been hot enough to burn away the memory of Angel’s averted gaze or casual comment about breaking our bond.
“He’s got plenty of help.” The words tasted like ash and heartbreak.
“I’m awaiting word from my boss on a training schedule.
” If I had to train with Lilith, would that mean more time across the Veil?
What sort of things would a goddess of death expect from me?
“I can take you to Grandpa’s for a few days if I end up having to spend time across the Veil again. ”
“I’d rather stay here,” Ivan said.
“Did something happen? With Xavier or the creepy twins?”
Ivan shook his head but let out a long sigh as he jiggled the toy for Peanut Butter. “No. Not really. The twins stood guard. Xavier avoided visiting at all. Luca arranged groceries and anything we needed.”
“Luca?”
“Xavier’s assistant.”
“Oh. I didn’t know he had one.”
“Luca’s a shifter, small like me. Golden Asiatic cat, I think. Seemed nice enough. He paints. Has more in common with Nikki, I think, than me. But he was nice enough.”
What wasn’t he telling me? “But you didn’t like staying there? Did it feel unsafe?”
“No. More that it wasn’t home.”
I blinked and looked around our apartment. “And this is?”
Ivan stared at me for a long minute then nodded. “More than anything else has.” He shrugged. “You don’t look at me and demand I be something.”
“And Xavier did?”
“He doesn’t look at me at all,” Ivan muttered, then added, “I have no idea. He’s hard to read.”
No kidding. The whole supernatural badass vibe meant Xavier’s “fuck-off” mojo superseded him.
“The only thing I want from you is for you to feel safe and happy. I think Xavier wants to protect you. He has this whole take-care-of-shifters persona.” That was the only reason I allowed the guy to be anywhere near my little brother.
“Yeah,” Ivan agreed, focused on me. “Do you want to talk about Angel?”
“No.”
“What sort of training do you have to do? I thought you did all that already?”
“Magic,” I said, not wanting to remind him that my power seemed to be geared toward death.
The only positives about my power seemed to be the ability to get ghosts to move on, sometimes.
They weren’t always willing. And maybe healing Angel.
But had that been because he was bound to me, or something I could do for anyone?
Had I only been able to heal him because I’d been the one to hurt him?
That would be a really shitty power to have.
“I sort of have trouble pinning it down.”
Ivan gave me a long blank stare. “Huh?”
“I don’t know how to describe it. I see stuff other people can’t, but only sometimes.
I can talk to the dead and sometimes raise them.
I can heal, but only sometimes. And I don’t know where to start with any of it.
” The truth was that I didn’t want it at all.
Change was hard. And after meeting Angel, I thought maybe it would all work out.
I’d find a reason for having this stupid power. So far it caused nothing but grief.
Ivan continued to jiggle the worm for a few minutes, both Nox and Peanut Butter taking turns hunting the wiggling fluff. “Grandpa told me about your car.”
Now it was my turn to say, “Huh?”
“Said when you bought it, it was a piece of crap, and you didn’t know anything about fixing cars.”
“Neither did Grandpa.” The memory of weekends spent elbow-deep in engine guts, Grandma bringing us lemonade while reading the repair manual aloud, brought back a lot of good times. “We replaced half that damn engine learning how to fix shit.”
Ivan studied me. “But you kept trying. Even when it blew hot air in July and the radio only picked up polka stations.”
“I can’t believe Grandpa told you that.”
“Now it plays K-pop and metal.”
“Had to upgrade the radio. Mice gnawed on the wires of the old one and we couldn’t keep it working. I hired a pro for that install.”
“Probably a smart idea. We can’t be good at everything.”
I sighed. “I’d like to be good at something.”
“Who says you’re not?” Ivan asked. He got up and put the wand toy away and dropped onto the couch. “Grandpa said you were great as a homicide detective. I can’t imagine doing something like that. Did you wake up one day and say, ‘hey, I’m going to solve murders for a living?’”
“Grandma was really into watching murder mystery documentaries. I blame her.”
“I wish I had a chance to know her better.” Ivan bent to pick up Nox as he’d followed him to the couch.
I made my way over to sit by them. Peanut Butter jumped into my lap and headbutted my chin for attention.
Ivan buried his face in Nox’s fur and sniffed, then peppered the fae cat with kisses. “Sounds like they gave you purpose.”
“She was there,” I said after a long moment of hesitation and petting Peanut Butter to focus on keeping back the tears that instantly stung my eyes at the thought of losing her.
“That day at your house when I showed up to get you.” I glanced up and caught Ivan’s wide gaze.
“Her ghost, I mean. It was downstairs. She asked me to look after you. I think she’d been watching since she passed.
Maybe trying to figure out how to help? She vanished as I headed up the stairs.
Haven’t seen her since. Never saw her around Grandpa.
But maybe she thought you needed her more. ”
“Why didn’t you say anything sooner?”
“I worried it would upset you.”
“But this is part of your gift.”
“Seeing dead people? Relaying messages?”
“Sure. You have all these pieces that feel disconnected, but they are all parts of you. Like the car you had to take apart and rebuild. You just don’t know how they fit together yet.”
I stared across the room for a long minute, heart racing as the pain built in my chest. “Angel’s not here because I hurt him.
I didn’t mean to, and I guess I can sort of help him heal, but I hurt him.
Burned him with my magic,” the confession rushed from me, and I regretted it as soon as it left my mouth.
Ivan didn’t need my trauma. “But a troll threw a car at us and I reacted, pulling up a shield. The car stopped, but my magic hurt Angel. I don’t want to hurt you. ”
Ivan petted Nox for a while, silent, lost in thought maybe, and it gave me a lot of time to regret everything in my life. He’d be better off in Xavier’s care. I was too dangerous for him.
“When you were working on the car, did you just rip it all apart from the beginning?” he asked.
“No. It ran, which was the most important part. We worked on things as needed. But in the end, had to rebuild most of it.” What was he getting at?
“You focused on one thing, right? Like the radio.” Ivan leaned forward, elbows on knees. “You didn’t magically know cars; you learned. One busted part at a time to learn how to fix it.” His gaze flicked to my hands. “Why would your magic be any different?”
The question hung between us. Peanut Butter’s purr vibrated against my thigh as I struggled for an answer. “Because when the car backfired or wires sparked, it didn’t blow up on someone I…” The words clogged in my throat.
“But you stopped a car, right? That’s huge,” he said. “Maybe instead of trying to fix the whole car at once, you pick a part to fix. Like honing your ability to see whatever it is you see.”
“You think it will be that easy?”
Ivan shrugged. “Shifter magic takes getting used to. We all fear the change at first. Getting stuck either way, being vulnerable, not healing fast enough. That sort of thing.”
“But you seem to know all that now.”
“Part instinct, part practice. I hid for a long time. Only shifting when I knew no one was around, with no one to give me instructions. I think you have more of a choice than us shifters. You keep waiting for someone to hand you a manual, but you don’t even know which part of the car you’re working on yet.
” He stared at me. “Pick an ability. Maybe not stopping cars thrown by trolls yet.”
“I didn’t mean to do that the first time.”
“But it worked, and what would have happened if you hadn’t stopped it? Would Angel be more or less hurt?”
More. Definitely more.
“Something to think about,” Ivan said as he popped up from the couch to head to the kitchen. “What’s for dinner?”
“Food,” I answered, too distracted to care. Bastard, giving me revelations and all that. He was too damn smart for his own good. “Fine,” I grumbled and pulled out my phone and typed out a text to Angel:
Please don’t ask Xavier to break our bond. I’m sorry. Please give me another chance.
Sent.
Ivan blinked at me from his spot near the counter. One minute, then two. The message stayed stubbornly unread.
“I should probably find someone to train me,” I muttered, tossing the phone aside. “Hanna suggested this death goddess, Lilith, but…” A cold shiver ran down my spine at the name. “Angel thinks it’s a bad idea.”
Ivan’s nose wrinkled. “All gods and goddesses are bad news. Accepting favors from them means they can yank you around whenever.”
“Sounds like legends of the fae.”
“Yeah, them too. Probably why they think of themselves as gods,” Ivan grumbled.
“Know a lot of fae?”
“Went to school with a pair that thought they were something special. Kids of any sort among the fae are treated special because they are rare, but they were both assholes. Rich assholes, which made them a thousand times worse.” He opened the fridge. “Can we order pizza?”
I picked up my phone. “Sure. What do you want?” Just before I could flip to the delivery app, a gray checkmark appeared beside my text. Read.
Without thinking too hard, I sent:
What’s your favorite pizza toppings? Wanna come over for dinner?
Would he answer? Maybe he’d block me. My heart leapt into my throat with anxiety.
Triple dots appeared and I stared at them with both hope and fear.
Pepperoni, pineapple, tomato, and extra cheese.