Chapter 24
Collins
“BACON ME, BUG.”
Creed is sifting through his box of goodies for Riley inside in the living room when Asher strolls out onto the back patio, looking a lot more well rested than I do. Much like Riley, I’m still plagued by nightmares more often than not, and they have me waking up in a cold sweat most nights.
I’m flipping bacon on the outdoor skillet when he sidles up next to me and swipes a crispy slice from a plate.
“Morning,” he mumbles around a bite.
“Morning, Ash.” I glance at him just as he stretches, and when his arms settle, his t-shirt has shifted to expose a brand new, deep purple hickey on the side of his neck.
I smirk when he makes no move to cover it, but it doesn’t stop him from blushing more fiercely than I thought possible for my big brother. “Sleep well?” I tease.
“Mhmm,” he hums noncommittally, clearing his throat and snagging more bacon off the plate. “Like a baby. You?”
“I slept okay,” I answer honestly, turning to face Asher after adding more slices to the hotplate. “Much better now that Riley’s home and we’re all under the same roof again.”
“Does he hate you?” he asks, and I rear back at the question.
“Excuse me?”
Ash just scoffs as he crosses his thick arms over his equally thick chest. I’m still flabbergasted over the fact that my brother looks like a literal hulk these days. “You said in the hospital that you were worried he’d come home and want nothing to do with you. Worried that he’d grow to hate you.”
He glances through the floor-to-ceiling windows as if he can see the people inside through the reflective coating. “He’s been home a few days now. Does it feel like he hates you?”
Asher’s right. I’d been sick over the fear that Riley would resent me for becoming another victim of Guy’s gruesome cruelty.
But all of that fear vanished in an instant the moment I locked eyes with him in that parking lot.
I still feel the guilt of what I’d done to him every time I look at his scars, though.
That festering, gnawing feeling that eats at me, the endless taunt that says he’d still be living this perfect, unblemished life with Creed had I not taken them up on traveling with them.
They’ve lost time. Fans. Money. Concerts.
His and Creed’s lives were entirely upheaved because of me. All because I couldn’t outrun the monster of my past.
“Where’d you go, Bug?” Asher’s voice, paired with his large hand waving a piece of bacon in front of my face, snaps me out of the stupor that my brain was sucked into.
My brother looks me over, analyzing every part of my face and reads me well enough before I have time to try and school my expression. He chomps down on the slice and waves the bacon nub at me. “Don’t do that.”
I snatch it from his hands, eating the last bite in an attempt to distract myself. “Do what?”
He turns and heads for the lounge chair next to the pool. “You think I can’t tell when my sister is doing that thing she always does?”
“What thing?”
“Collins.”
“Asher.”
“That thing, you know?” He lazily gestures at me with his entire arm, “The one where you seem to take on all the responsibility for other peoples’ actions. Where you make yourself smaller to mask your pain, if only it gives them a moment of peace.”
I turn back to the bacon, not wanting my brother to see just how on-the-nose his observation is. “I don’t do that,” I mutter under my breath, but I know it’s a lie.
“You do, and it’s not necessary, Collins. You’re not to blame. No-fucking-body hates you. My own best friend loves you more than he loves me, so stop it. Bacon me.”
I roll my eyes and throw a piece at him over my shoulder, not caring if he catches it.
He curses as it hits the ground, but when I hear the familiar crispy crunching sound, I shake my head.
Asher’s hardened over the years, and he definitely doesn’t sugarcoat things like he did when I was just a kid.
Yet his words bring me an immense amount of comfort anyway.
It doesn’t stop me from continuing my stewing session, though, because what self-respecting sister just takes her brother’s truths for what they are?
Creed’s distinct belly laughter booming that can be heard through the house makes me feel a little lighter.
I had been clinging to the high of the moment the three of us shared earlier, but then my own thoughts soured my mood.
As if to prove my brother’s point, their happiness eases my fear and anxiety.
Once the bacon is done, I scrape off some of the excess grease and pour the scrambled eggs onto the skillet.
Asher’s phone dings with an incoming text, and the next thing I know, he’s sputtering on air.
Coughing and beating on his chest like he’s legitimately choking, even though he polished off his last slice of bacon several minutes ago.
I turn around to check on him only to find his phone on the ground, lit up and a zoomed in.
A shirtless selfie of who I assume to be Blair, as I recognize some of his tattoos, has my cheeks heating.
It’s not because Blair is shirtless, he walks around as such all the time, but it’s because I know that the image is intentionally zoomed in…
just not on the part intended for Asher to see.
Blair sent Asher a dick pic.
I spin around, busying myself with the eggs to hide my mortification.
The once comfortable silence is now weirdly tense as fuck.
My brother clears his throat after a very, very, long and awkward pause. “Did you see—”
“Nope,” I interrupt, still fussing over breakfast. Luckily, it’s the truth. I adore Blair, but seeing his most intimate parts is most definitely not a dream of mine.
It’s clear as day that they’re close on some level, but I also know that he’s emotionally scarred and traumatized after Dani shattered his heart into a million pieces.
I’m not sure how much of it he was able to piece back together, or what it may look like since he had to do it on his own for so long.
I’m curious, so I do the most natural thing I can think of.
Bust out the annoying questions.
“So,” I start as I plate the eggs, moving on to the pancake batter. Asher groans, and I chuckle. “You and B, huh?” I know I’m stating the obvious.
I look at Asher as he runs a hand through his messy, blonde hair. He eyes me, looking a little hot under the collar before he nods. I smile at that.
“When did it become more? How did it become more?”
“First of all, there is no ignoring Blair once he decides you’re on his radar. He’s an absolute gremlin, all wild and chaotic energy majority of the time, but he’s observant and so fucking smart.”
I nod in agreement, smiling at the memories of how fast he latched onto me once he joined the band.
Not in the same way he adhered himself to Asher, obviously, but he’s become what he calls my lavender person.
A platonic soulmate of sorts. His kinship felt different than mere friendship.
In no time flat, Blair had claimed the shared title of family and best friend.
God, did he love to tease Creed about it, too.
Asher stands, rubbing at the back of his neck before stuffing his hands into the pockets of his sweats. He turns his gaze towards the rippling water of the pool, reverence in his eyes.
“For a very long time, I felt anger before I felt nothing at all. Neither men nor women held any appeal to me. I felt nothing but revulsion over any form of intimacy or companionship, even if only offered.”
Sadness seeps into my heart for my brother. The life I led wasn’t easy. It fucking sucked most days, and on the especially horrible ones, I hated my brother. But I never stopped to consider that he himself might have been battling his own fights. His own demons.
Pulling his phone from his pocket, he lights up the screen to reveal the background to me. It’s a black and white photo of Blair sleeping peacefully on his stomach.
“Blair is…he’s eternally patient, especially with me. I tried to push him away at first, keeping him at arms length because I’m just too fucked up and broken. The last thing I want to do is hurt him. But as you’d guess, he’s extremely persistent.”
“Ain’t that the truth.” I laugh as I flip the first set of pancakes and practically salivate over their sweet smell. I steal some bacon from the mountain of it on the plate to keep myself quiet, letting Asher tell me his story.
“At first, he was just there. Always hanging around, just existing within my orbit. Letting himself just…be near me with no expectations. Then, he told me I could be free with him. No strings attached.”
Asher glances at me from the corner of his eye, and we both blush at the same time. He tried to choose his words carefully with that confession, but I’m not naive. I hide my grimace behind a cough because I do not need, nor want to know about his and Blair’s freeuse kink.
“After a while, I surprised even myself with how much I didn’t like how casual things were between us. Because to me, having freedom blurred the line too much into sharing the person you care about with someone else.”
I shoot him a glare, and his eyes widen.
Holding his hands up in surrender, he remedies his words.
“Not like what you three have. Your relationship was consensual from the start.” He swipes a hand down his face before glancing at the house.
“It scared me that what happened with Dani would happen with Blair, but this time, it would be because I pushed him into it. I was terrified, but I knew nothing would change unless I talked to him about it.”
It’s clear where the conversation led to, given how they’re inseparable, but I ask anyway. “And? What did he say?”
Ash laughs, his eyes crinkling at the corners with how wide his smile is. He scoffs, mocking Blair’s voice. “Took you long enough.”
“I do not sound like that,” Blair whines as he emerges from the back door carrying a tray of breakfast fixins.
He sets them on the table, then slinks over to Asher, giving him a playful nip on his jaw before kissing his cheek.
Before Ash can pin him down, he walks over to me, drops a kiss to my messy bun, and throws his arm around my shoulder as I plate the last of the pancakes.
He looks at Asher with a playful sort of longing.
“But it’s true. Your brother is endgame material, I just had to let him get there on his own.
” He blows him a kiss. “You’re stuck with me now, baby. ”
The joy and comfort I see on Asher’s face is enough to make my heart threaten to burst in my chest. It’s not just Blair that shares the sentiment.
My brother is absolutely a goner for B. Now I’m making silent bets on who’s gonna drop to one knee and propose first, because my imaginary money is on Blair.
Riley and Creed exit the house next, both with huge grins on their faces. Their laughter and the growing sounds of continued conversations from indoors signals the end of mine and Asher’s conversation.
He sidles up next to me to help grab the remaining plates of food. Dropping a kiss to the top of my head, he murmurs, “Love you, Bug.”
I bump his arm with my shoulder since I can’t hug him with my hands full.
“Love you, too, Ash.”
Riley laughs again and I swing my attention over to him.
My heart fucking takes off like a hummingbird’s when I see that he’s carrying a stack of ceramic plates with very little tremor in his grip.
They clink together, but the look of pride on his face feels like a massive victory.
On the back of each hand are these thick, weighted gloves that loop over the tops of his fingers, leaving his palms exposed.
“Look at you!” I beam at him. It may not seem like much, but I’m going to celebrate any and ever small step forward with Riley.
Creed grabs Riley’s hand once he carefully sets the plates on the outdoor table.
“These were approved by Wilder, along with a long list of other adaptive equipment that we can use until Ri gets his mobility and grip back.”
“Feels like they help, too,” Riley says, gesturing to the plates that are each still in one piece.
“Hey, whatever makes life easier for you is a win for me,” I tell him as I wrap my arms around him and bury my face in his t-shirt, inhaling his clean scent.
We all take a seat around the table and promptly dig into the food.
Laughter bursts around the table as Creed pouts because Riley refuses to use the massive weighted fork to eat his eggs.
His grip around a normal one is still pretty shaky, but he manages to get it done with minimal mess.
I watch as his confidence wavers just a little, so I lean into him, catching his attention.
“Your first in-home therapy appointment is in a few days,” I tell him, and he nods, focused on chewing his food before turning his dark eyes to me. “You ready for it?”
“I am.” He nods again. “I don’t know why I feel so nervous about it, but…” he trails with a shrug, shoving his hands into his lap under the table, without the intention of finishing his sentence.
I reach over to place my hand over the top of his.
“It’ll be fine. Remember that Wilder is there to help you.
He’s no stranger to knowing how to work with you, but he can’t do that if you won’t let him.
If you have concerns, voice them so that he can work through them with you.
Creed and I will be there, too.” I bump his shoulder, smirking at him. “We’ll be the best cheerleaders ever.”
“You already are,” he whispers, and leans in to brush a tender kiss to my forehead. Butterflies take off in my belly with the sweet contact.
The world sort of melts away when he leans back, his eyes capturing mine again. Instantly, I’m lost to the deep, near obsidian color of his irises, his sweet face slightly flushed when he gifts me with a fangy smile. “How the hell did I get so lucky, Snow?”
I playfully shrug him off as if being in his presence doesn’t tilt my world off of its axis in the best way.
I don’t think he or Creed could ever understand that it’s me who’s the lucky one.
Their unconditional love is what fuels me to fight these demons that plague my thoughts.
To be better and grow stronger. To be everything they need.
If I thought we had a ways to go before Guy fucked up our lives, it’s a hell of a battle we’re facing now.
Staring into Riley’s eyes only confirms that every one of us is haunted.
Haunted by soul-sucking demons who are hellbent on forcing us to relive each of our traumas on an endless loop.
A lot more than luck might be what we need to cross these hurdles, but I’m determined to see to it that we all emerge on the other side of this healing journey.
Together.