Chapter 35
Collins
“JUST LET ME GO.”
ONE WEEK LATER
Iwake with a jolt, a horrible sense that something is wrong washing over me. Creed stirs next to me, his hand flexing on my hip.
“You okay?” he whispers into the dark, concern woven into his sleepy voice.
I reach over and stroke my fingers through his silky strands at the same time my other hand searches for Riley.
My heart rate kicks up when my fingers meet empty, cooling sheets.
Looking around Creed’s room, I note that the bathroom light isn’t on, and I don’t see him sitting on any of Creed’s scattered lounge furniture around the room, either.
“Do you know where Riley went?” I ask in a hushed tone, trying to mask the rising panic.
He gives my thigh a reassuring squeeze when I shift up in bed. “He probably just needed a snack,” he mumbles into his pillow. “He’ll be back, but you can hunt him down if it’ll help you feel better, baby.”
Another reason why I love Creed. Without even realizing it or trying, he always calms my nerves, while also never invalidating my need to find or be near him or Riley.
“Okay.” I bend down and kiss his sleepy lips. “I’ll go find him. You can go back to sleep. I’m sorry I woke you.”
“Never apologize for that.” He kisses me once, then adjusts his sleep position so that he’s lying on his stomach, his inked arms hugging his pillow before he says, “I’ve got you.”
I leave him to drift off again and pad silently down the hallway, tiptoeing past Asher and Blair’s room, to head down the stairs. The living room is illuminated by moonlight, and unease seeps into my bones when I note that the kitchen light isn’t on.
“Riley?” I whisper into the vast room, but I don’t get an answer.
Chills spread across my skin as I peek into the kitchen just to be sure he’s not eating in the dark. Empty.
I check the studio. Empty.
The guest bathroom. Empty.
I finally get to his bedroom at the end of the hall. It’s dark, but I hear shuffling on the other side of the door. I knock softly before pressing my palms to the wood. “Ri?”
The shuffling stops.
The sound of a zipper closing catches my attention, and my brows knit in confusion.
“Ri, are you in there?” I ask but berate myself because who else would it be? Smart, Collins.
I’m surprised when he doesn’t open the door but quietly says, “You should go back to bed, Collins.”
What did he just call me?
“Riley, what’s going on? Are you okay?” I’m trying to sound calm, but panic is slowly starting to take hold of every part of me.
He’s grown increasingly distant ever since we encountered his mother.
That space between us has become more vast since the night he woke from a nightmare, and no matter how many times I’ve tried to reassure him that he would never hurt me, the canyon between us has only seemed to widen further with time.
The fading bruise on my cheek was my own fault.
Truly. Riley was having an intense nightmare about the night we were taken, and I had tried to wake him without thinking.
I was acting on fear and adrenaline, the need to make it better was stronger than my logic.
His body had lashed out while he was still asleep, and his elbow caught my face before I could back away.
It sent me sprawling, but to be honest, it didn’t hurt.
More like it surprised me, because I knew that he didn’t know I was there.
Riley would never harm a fly, let alone me or Creed, and the look of pure horror that took over his deep brown eyes when he finally woke said it all.
I told him it wasn’t his fault, but I could tell it started to eat him alive.
My efforts have been fruitless because he’s pushed himself away from me even more so than before.
Even in bed, while he lies with me, he’s been painfully careful not to touch me.
The rejections were soft and subtle, but they were there and fucking stung nonetheless.
I’d given in and gave him the space, too, because my therapist said that it’s completely natural for victims of such trauma to want to work through their hardships on their own, so long as they were doing so in a safe manner.
The hollow dread pooling in my stomach ratchets up, quickly turning into an anxious nausea. I knock again.
“Riley,” I rasp, the onslaught of tears clogging my throat. “Baby, please open the door. Talk to me—”
The door gently swings open, and I’m greeted with a solemn-faced Riley. He doesn’t move to let me into his room, and alarm bells start ringing in my head.
Now that I’m standing here in the dark hallway in nothing but his t-shirt, a chill sweeps over me, but I don’t think it has anything to do with the coolness of the night.
I want to reach out and touch him, but the fresh, stinging wound of rejection keeps my arms firmly wrapped around my middle. I swallow thickly when he just stands there looking at me. It’s so dark, I can’t fully read his expression.
I clear my throat, trying not to sound like a wobbly mess.
“Are you okay? You…weren’t in bed when I woke.”
“I—I couldn’t sleep.” He sighs, looking down at his feet. My brows furrow when I follow his line of sight. His feet…clad in slip-on Vans.
It’s the middle of the night…and he’s wearing shoes. Furthermore, he’s fully dressed in jeans and a hoodie, too. Not at all the t-shirt and boxers he was wearing when he climbed into bed just hours ago.
I look back up at him, but he still won’t meet my eyes.
“Riley?”
“Go back to bed, Coll—”
“Why are you calling me that?” I snap, anger and frustration coating each word. I’ve never spoken to Riley like this, but right now he’s pissing me off just as much as he’s scaring me.
He flinches at my tone but doesn’t answer. I catch the sad glint in his eyes when he finally glances at me sheepishly, realizing that I’m not going to budge. “What’s going on?”
I’m fucking terrified, and it’s got my fight or flight adrenaline kicking in, so I slap my palm against the door without thought and shove it hard, causing Riley to stumble back over his own feet.
“Collins, wait—” he says as I storm into his room and come to an abrupt halt when I look at his bed.
“What…what the fuck is this?” I ask, even though it’s clear as day, even in the dark.
An overstuffed duffel bag sits at the end of his bed, along with a backpack filled with toiletries, judging by the brand new toothbrush sticking out of the side pocket.
My entire body ices over as I stare at the truth that’s been quite literally laid out before me.
I can feel my stomach bottoming out, and my heart begins to splinter, tiny hairline fractures cracking that had been forming over the last several days as they weave their way around the aching muscle in my chest.
Turning to look at Riley on numb legs, I will my lips to speak when Riley just stands silently before me. “You’re leaving.”
The words may as well have been a gunshot in this empty room with the way he flinches when I say them.
He remains silent, and it has me saying louder, “Aren’t you?”
Riley’s throat bobs as he swallows thickly. Guilt oozes off of him so thick I can physically feel it wrap around me.
“Yes.” One word. One fucking word and it feels like a knife has been stabbed into my lungs.
“Why?” I rasp, unable to breathe.
“I have to.”
I shake my head, tears gathering in my eyes as I take a step forward. Toward him. “Not good enough. Why?”
I ignore the pain that sears through me when he takes a step back. “Collins, I have to—”
“Why?” Another step forward.
“Please.” Another step back.
“Tell me!”
“I h-hurt you,” he gasps, taking another step. His back hits the wall.
“You didn’t.” I step up to Riley, our bodies a hairsbreadth apart, but I don’t dare to touch him. Not yet.
His eyes fall to my cheek, as if he can see the bruise in the dark of his room. “I already have.”
I pause, thinking over my next words because there’s no way in hell I’m letting him leave me without a fight. A stray tear rolls down my cheek at the exact moment one traces the gentle outer slope of Riley’s nose.
“Is that why you’ve pushed me away?” I cry, shuffling impossibly closer to Riley. I look up into his soulful, sorrow-filled eyes, knowing there are more reasons, but what happened the other night felt like the nail in the coffin.
“I’m leaving because she was right,” he grits through clenched teeth before a tortured sob rips loose from his chest. His shoulders shake with each shuddering cry.
His mother’s words echo in my mind.
“You really are a disease, Riley. I see all the damage you’ve caused that girl plain as day.
” Her words spat at him with pure venom.
“You hurt. You destroy. You break, ruin, and sully all that is good.” she sneered, her lip curling in disgust. “You’re pathetic, and soon they’ll realize that I was right.
Best to get out of their lives now before you ruin yet another family. ”
I could’ve killed her that day for the way she spoke to Riley.
Chaos had erupted in my mind, and before I could form another rational thought, I was moving, and I didn’t stop until I felt the sting of my hand coming in contact with her face.
I’m not a violent person, but I would’ve done it again and again had Bear not hauled me away when he did.
It didn’t feel anywhere near enough because the look of utter devastation in Riley’s eyes had cleaved my heart clean in two.
How could anybody look at Riley, my sweet Riley Benjamin, and not immediately fall in love with him?
The fact that such a selfless, kind, tender-hearted man came from the world's most vile scum is a fucking marvel.
My eyes flood with tears, flowing freely in never-ending rivulets down my face. Crying makes speaking even more difficult than before, but I ball my fists at my sides and force the words out so he can hear them. “She was wrong,” I gasp, sucking in much-needed air. “So fucking wrong, Ri.”
Another sob bursts past his lips as he vehemently shakes his head, swiping the sleeve of his hoodie across his mouth.