Chapter 37
THIRTY-SEVEN
ELAINA
After shutting the door, Elaina didn’t register herself going into the bathroom, stripping her clothes into a heap in the corner, and getting into the shower. She didn’t feel the spray of water on her skin, not even when she turned the heat up enough to scald. She didn’t feel the chill when she got out, dried herself off, got into bed, and pulled the cover over her head to plunge into darkness.
She only started to feel anything at all when she realized her pillow was soaked under her cheek.
She had been doing so well. Forgetting, getting numb to the past in that way she liked.
Why did he have to ruin it for her now, after she’d already made the decision to leave this place and start fresh? Why was he even on Earendel?
What happened when he took that ship?
There was something different about the Cyan standing at her doorstep.
Elaina pushed herself up in bed and ran her hands through her damp hair.
“Fuck him,” she whispered, as if saying it aloud would make her really believe it. Cyan wasn’t who she thought he was. She should be furious.
But the truth was, Cyan had cracked her open again with just a few words. His presence on her doorstep shattered the fort she’d been erecting, and now she was left sifting through the rubble of pain she thought she’d buried.
She squeezed her eyes shut, pulling her knees to her chest. His words looped in her mind: “I made a mistake in how I ended things. And I’m sorry for that.”
Not a mistake in ending things. Just in the mechanism of action.Elaina shook her head, swatting at the tears with the backs of her hands.
He had chosen not to be part of her future—to unilaterally cut her off before even giving them a chance. Sort of like she had done before… never given people a chance. Not really.
I’ve never done it like that , though.
But the effect had been the same: the few partners she’d had left in a trail of confused haze as she moved on, moved away, moved past them and forgot what they had meant to her.
At first Elaina thought she just wasn’t the settling down type. There were just too many things to discover in the world. Too many threads to follow and things to learn and people to meet. How was she ever meant to stay in one place? Later, she realized she was simply a coward. The thing she craved most was the most terrifying thing in the world.
Or maybe I’m just projecting. Making excuses for a man who doesn’t deserve any.
Either way, she had to let him go.
There was something so satisfying in the detachment from a place and everything in it. She’d felt it before every move.
Zeta Prime. It felt distant and clean. A place where no one knew her.
“I think it’s a great idea. A fresh start, away from all this mess.” Mia sipped her tea, leaning back in the sunbaked chair outside the hub positioned at the edge of the city, facing the dunes. “I’ll miss you, of course.”
Elaina smiled. “I’ll miss you too.”
And she would, she thought. Mia had become a good friend. But Elaina was used to moving, and she knew how quickly she forgot those she left behind.
This time will be different.
This time she’d stay in touch with the people who mattered.
But a part of her was relieved by the fact that Zeta Prime was well on the other side of the quadrant. Realistically, comms latency between there and Earendel would be too high to maintain close ties. She’d check in, once in a while. Maybe even visit once every few cycles? But other than that, she’d be free.
Elaina glanced toward the horizon, where the city faded into dunes. “It doesn’t feel like home anymore.”
“Are you sure Zeta Prime will?” Mia’s voice was softer now.
“It’s worth a shot.” Elaina shrugged.
Mia nodded. “And just to confirm… again, you’re not just leaving because that jerk came back here? Because we can take care of that, you know.”
Elaina laughed. When she told Mia about Cyan’s sudden reappearance three sols ago, her friend had been furious on her behalf. But Elaina had made her decision before that. By the time she’d agreed to go out with Konstantin, she already knew she wouldn’t be staying.
Maybe that’s what made him so appealing.
“I’m sure,” Elaina said. “And with how things are going around here… I don’t know what’s going on, but you might want to consider finding another place too.”
The tech was getting worse, and lately there was something new in the air. No one else seemed to notice, so Elaina said nothing. But there was a certain charge in the skies that tugged at her fingertips. Maybe it was just the longing to finally be out of this place.
Mia waved her off. “I grew up here. And Jonesie is here, and all my friends. Your friends are here too, you know. We always will be.”
“I know.” Elaina smiled.