4. Chapter Four
T he sun has well and truly set by the time I hop back on my bike and begin the ride home. I feel drained after having cried more tears than I think I ever have before in my life. Nearing almost being sick because of the raw grief that tore me apart.
The last few hours feel like they are on repeat in my head.
My Mum’s betrayal.
The return of my father and brother.
My accident.
Repeat.
And fuck while I’m at it, why not bring up the other five Americans that all but broke my heart.
Yep. Certainly not a stranger to heartbreak it seems.
The blacked-out SUV is still sitting in front of the house as I turn down my street. For some reason, I thought it may have been gone. Unfortunately, I’m not that lucky.
As I pull into the driveway, I notice my Mum’s car is gone though.
I slowly take off my helmet and blow out a deep breath. I take my time hopping off my bike. As some kind of safety net that if they were to come barrelling out trying to ambush me, I can just take off again.
I’m sure Grace wouldn’t mind a last minute sleepover.
The house is quiet as I make my way inside. Normally, Mum would have dinner on the table by now. The strict 6pm dinner every single night. It is used as our way to decompress and talk about our days. It's the one tradition that Mum likes to keep with the number of hours she works.
I make my way back into that same dreaded lounge room I stood in only hours earlier.
The room is empty except for Blondie, or should I say ‘Rhodes’, who has his head in his hands.
“Ahh, hey,” I whisper quietly trying not to scare him.
Blondie-Rhodes shoots out of his chair, almost falling over in the process.
“S-s-Scar, hey. Ah, are you alright?’
“Nope,” I reply, popping the P. There is no point in sugar coating it for this guy. I cringe at the thought of what I most likely look like.
“I’m sorry. When Dad told me that you were still alive, I had a similar reaction.”
“Right.” I draw out still not believing this guy’s story. “Now let’s say that you actually are my supposed dead twin brother that is actually alive and that I cannot remember whatsoever, how are you actually alive?”
Blondie-Rhodes breathes out a deep sigh, “It's a really long story.”
“I’m sure we have plenty of time. Where is Mum and older blondie anyways?” I ask, remembering the missing car from the garage .
“They went out to get what Mum said it’s, uhh, hot chook rolls?” He laughs awkwardly as he brings his hand up to scratch the back of his head.
“Hot chook is a roast chicken. We normally have it on a burger bun with a bit of pasta salad.” I confirm but can’t help but cringe at the familiarity of teaching an American about Australian traditions. A month of doing so will do that to you. I can’t even see a koala without having flashbacks.
“Oh yep, right.” He nods in some kind of attempt to act casual but he fails. Epically.
We both then go silent as we look at each other. I take him in. Over the years, Mum has filled me in on all the details of the things the amnesia wiped which was quite literally my entire life before eight years old.
Mum said that Rhodes and I were identical twins, which for boy/girl twins is an extremely low chance. We did everything together. Had the same group of friends, insisted on sharing the same room up until our eighth birthday, and liked all of the same foods. We even sang together. While Mum said that Rhodes could sing, it was obvious that it was a natural talent for me.
The raw devastation I felt earlier seems to have slipped further back into my mind, leaving room for common sense to prevail. I really look at the guy. Take him in without bias and heartbreak clouding my thoughts. It's been ten years and a lot has changed in that time, but it's clear to me that this guy isn’t lying to me.
Blondie is Rhodes.
Mum wasn’t lying.
My mouth drops as I stare at him. Tears well in my eyes again. I swallow roughly, trying to gain control of my feelings but it's futile. My brother is alive. He didn’t die.
It was one thing to come to terms with it when I was alone, on the beach. But now it is impossible to ignore.
A piece of me feels like it knits back together in that moment. Even amidst the betrayal I feel rooting itself deeper, I can’t deny what’s right in front of me.
After years of missing a part of me, of wanting so desperately to remember my brother, he is now looking directly at me. Waiting to gauge how I am going to react.
The similarities between Rhodes and I are obvious. From our hair, our face shape, nose and most obviously, our eyes.
“You really are Rhodes,” I whisper. If he wasn’t paying such close attention to me, he probably wouldn’t have heard me.
“And you really are Scarlett. My sister.”
Rhodes wastes no time in rushing towards me. I’m squished into his embrace as he picks me up and spins me around. I tighten my arms around his neck. My brother.
Even though the block in my brain holds strong, it's like my soul knows him. It's like some kind of weird twin thing. Probably not, but I grasp at straws trying to make sense of the entire situation.
The number one thing that rolls over in my mind is, my brother is alive.
New tears fall freely down my cheeks. But instead of being laced with grief, they are happy. So fucking happy.
“God Scar. I never thought I would see you again.” Rhodes’ voice is muffled by my hair that he has his face buried in.
I pull away from him slowly. While I feel fucking elated that he is alive, it still seems insane. A strange awkwardness settles in the air.
“This is weird,” I blurt, unable to hold back the thought.
Rhodes laughs, “You’re telling me.”
“Glad I’m not the only one.” I cringe remembering my reaction to him earlier, “I’m sorry about the way I reacted earlier. It’s not every day your Mum tells you that your brother and father aren’t actually dead.”
Rhodes cringes as well, “Yeah, it isn’t their finest moment that’s for sure.”
He scratches his head and blows out a breath.
We both stand there just looking at each other. Neither of us clearly know what to do or say. While it is clear we are both relieved that the other is actually here, ten years have passed. Neither of us know each other anymore.
I highly doubt his favourite superhero is still Spiderman.
“Um, so did Mum say how long she was going to be?” I say breaking the silence. I’m thankful no one else is around to witness our awkward interaction.
“I think she said ten minutes or so.”
I nod my head.
We go silent again.
I try to think of something to say but I come up short.
What do I say to him? How’s the weather?
“Did you want to sit down and talk?” Rhodes says, finally breaking the silence. I breathe a sigh of relief, nodding my head.
We walk over to the couches. I take one and he takes the other.
I twist my hands in my lap, anxiety slowly seeping into my system. I try to prepare myself for whatever Rhodes is about to tell me, not knowing the full extent of whatever this will be.
“There is a lot that both Dad and um.. Mum are better off explaining to you because they know the details better than I do. There’s a lot of backstory.” I nod, encouraging him to continue.
He takes a breath, “Long story short is, I was told that you and Mom had died. I never felt grief like that before in my life. I went insane. We did everything together, glued at the hip. A couple of other guys were part of our little group and while they loved you and you loved them back, I just wasn’t as close with them as you were. You were my best friend, Scar. Knowing Mum had died hurt so bad, but losing you destroyed a part of my soul. After I came out of the haze, I vowed to myself that I would never let anyone feel the pain I did. I turned myself into a soldier. A weapon.”
Rhodes pauses and shakes his head. He looks up at me slowly. A few tears escape his eyes and my heart clenches at the sight.
“Not a single day has gone by where I have not missed you. I’ve done a lot of stupid shit. My early teens were brutal. Me and one of our friends at the time couldn’t handle it. Losing you was just too much. Drugs became our coping mechanism.
“While he was closer to losing his battles than I was, I just wanted to destroy shit. It took a long time for Dad to snap me out of it. So, when he came to me and told me that you were alive, all of that hurt that I had learnt to deal with all these years ago just came rushing back in full force. I completely smashed up my room and the majority of the house. I went on a three-day bender. I was a mess,” He says with a grimace .
“To be honest, I still kind of am. It feels weird to see you sitting here in front of me only ten years older. It's like no time has passed yet a million years have.
“I will never let anything bad happen to you ever again, Scar. I may be the younger twin, but I refuse to let you go now that I have you back. The last ten years have been torture,” He utters, almost like he is pleading his case with me.
In a way I can understand the way he is feeling. I went through my own kind of hell. I try to sympathise with him. To see it from his point of view. He remembers me. I’m not a stranger to him. Yet, he still is to me.
I shuffle towards him, grabbing his hands in my own. He looks down at them, like they are a lifeline.
“I know we are in this weird kind of middle phase, neither of us really knowing how to be or how to act. But one thing I know is, if you really are my brother, know that I’m not going anywhere. It's going to be a long journey. But I’m here,” I say, trying my best to reassure him.
He nods his head as a sob escapes his chest. My hands tighten in his own automatically.
It's so easy to be blinded by your own grief at times. But seeing Rhodes be so vulnerable and pour his heart out to me, does something to me.
He can remember me. He lost his sister and his mum too.
He thought he lost me. That thought is staggering.
For years he has had to live with that fact. Waking up each and every day knowing the other half of him was gone. Because that's what we are. Two halves of a whole being .
While I knew I had lost him, it was different for me. While I felt as though a part of me had been severed from my being, I still had no memory. All I had to go off with was information from mum.
Yet, he remembers it all.
A part of my heart aches for him. It aches for the time we have lost. The utter betrayal that we have both faced in our parents' decisions. The fact that they allowed both of us to be devastated and expected to just keep on living. Until what? They just decided it was time to be a family again?
Yeah, fuck that.
Rhodes' breathing eventually calms enough that I’m able to pull my hands from his grip. He wipes the tears from his face and I watch as he collects himself before looking up at me.
“I want to know everything about what I have missed, Scar. How you were after you woke up. What your interests are now. If you still sing.”
“I still sing.” I smile up at him. The one I get in return is devastating.
“You do?” He asks.
“Yeah.” I nod, “It's the one thing that Mum says refused to leave me even after the accident.”
“You were always walking around belting out some song at the top of your lungs,” he laughs.
“Honestly not much has changed.”
We both laugh. A warm feeling settles over me. It feels strange to laugh with him like this but in another way, it feels so right.
We both turn our heads as we hear Mum’s car pull up outside. Rhodes is the first to stand nodding towards the garage door .
“Come on, let’s go give them a hand. If what you said is true, I’m sure they will need our assistance.”
I nod my head and follow him towards the door.
I pause when I come face to face with my father. We stare at each other for a moment. Neither of us utter a single word.
“I’m sorry, Scarlett,” he says, finally breaking his silence.
I nod at him. I can’t say things like ‘it's okay’ because it's not. It's not okay. It's not okay that they lied to both Rhodes and I for ten years.
Led each other to believe we were alone in the world. Deceived us so greatly that I fear the mark will be buried too deep.
My father looks at me, like he’s searching for something I don’t know what he’s hoping to find. Maybe the, now healed, wounds from my ‘accident’.
Mum takes that opportunity to make herself known, clearing her throat to get our attention.
Her arms are full of grocery bags as well as Rhodes’ who resembles a pack horse.
My father runs over to her, collecting the bags from her arms.
I watch them both closely. It always stumped me on why my Mum hadn’t moved on after ten years. No matter the amount of encouragement from me, she would flat out refuse to date other men. There was always an excuse.
But now, looking at the way she smiles up at him like the world begins and ends with him, it all starts to make sense. She never moved on because that wasn’t an option for her.
My father was still hers and, hopefully, she is still his.
Mum looks over at me with a sad smile, “Why don’t we go inside and make some dinner? Have a talk. ”
I nod my head and turn my back on the three of them. Anger still fuels my every move.
Seeing them out there trying to play happy family like my life hasn’t completely imploded on me.
Like they didn’t just take everything I know and crush it into pieces.
What even is real anymore?
Fuck, is my name even Scarlett Smith at this point?