18. Chapter Eighteen
W e fucked up. I fucked up. I destroyed the single most important thing in my life and I didn’t even know it. I broke her just like she said, beyond repair. I shattered her fucking heart like it never mattered in the first place. The shame I feel in myself is immeasurable.
I’m mad at the boys. I’m mad at our situation. Our parents. At Scarlett for making me fall so incredibly in love with her. For her leaving me in the first place. Then even more mad that I was the one to leave her once I finally had her back in my hold, even if I didn't know it.
The shock of our little Scarlett and Australian Scarlett being the same person still hasn’t sunk in, even though she is standing right in front of me. Seeing her on that stage last night was the most indescribable feeling. She looked beautiful up there.
A true goddess.
Sonny had the right idea, bowing at her altar; a sentiment I vow to do everyday for the rest of my life. I’m not ashamed to put her up on a pedestal like that. She deserves nothing but that. My undying loyalty to her.
My gaze doesn’t stray far from her as Mr Green organises teams and runs through the rules of the game. I don’t even pretend to listen to anything he has to say. My focus stays purely on my girl even after she gave me the most brutal lashing I have ever received. I deserved it. If anything, I don’t think she was tough enough on us.
I watch her as I run through ways I can make it up to her. Now that I think about it all, our reasonings for ghosting her weren’t even worth it. We were just scared. Scared that we had fallen in love. Scared to lose someone that we cared deeply about. All of it was for nothing anyways. We could have had her back in our lives sooner if we had just pulled our heads out of our asses and didn’t act out in fear.
Her place is here, even if that thought terrifies me. Anxiety courses through my veins. The scenarios of what can happen to her, of the things she will see. Will it trigger her memory?
As far as any of us know, she doesn’t have a lick of memory from her life before the accident. In a way, it's a relief. In another, it fills me with nothing but devastation. She doesn’t remember who we are to her. What she is to us. All she has to go off is our short time in Australia and our major fuck up.
I know that I won’t back down in this fight to get her back. To rewin her heart. To make her fall in love with me again.
I want her. I crave her.
I’ve never felt this kind of obsession for a person before. Even though Scarlett believes we completely ghosted her, it didn’t keep me from following her on every social platform I could.
Yeah, ‘Harry Tomlinson’ was probably not the most inconspicuous name out there but alas I was able to keep a close eye on her. I could see the pain we caused on her face from the first selfie she posted almost a month after we left. It killed me waiting around for some kind of indication on what she was doing. Her friends' social media accounts were also incredibly bare too. I had to refrain daily from getting the first plane back to Australia just to make sure she was okay.
The relief I felt when she finally posted was instantaneous. Knowing that she was somewhat okay. The sad look in her eyes still broke through, breaking a piece of me even through the screen. It didn’t seem to fade either. Post after post, her haunted eyes broke me.
I had done that to her. We did that to her. We took her light away.
I count my blessings that I am placed on Scarlett’s team along with Dacre. Nicky, Dawson and Sonny are all on the opposite team, a displeasure Sonny made sure we all knew about.
I stand as close as I can to Scarlett. She doesn’t look at me but my attention will stay firmly on her. I’ve already noticed the way Coco has been watching her.
I’ve got no idea why Dawson is even entertaining her. He thinks he is fooling everyone with his act, but he can’t fool me. Being best friends with someone since you were in diapers makes hiding your true emotions near impossible, even for someone like Dawson who hides his emotions like someone was paying him to do it. All he is going to do though is push her away until she has had enough and completely wipes him off.
I wouldn’t blame her either. I can understand wanting to protect her, but pushing her away? Treating her like she is worthless? She's not the kind of woman to stand for that.
Our volleyball game is fairly uneventful. Our team won. I smile watching as Scarlett celebrates with Brandy, Jen and Maxie who were also on our team. It's the first genuine smile I have seen since she’s been here and I can’t help but smile right alongside her. Some of the light comes back into her eyes, but once the celebration is over, it dims again. It causes mine to drop as well.
Mr Green calls our attention and we all turn, walking over to stand in front of him. “Well done blue team. You can all hit the showers. Nicky, Dawson, Sonny, Dacre and Pike,” he says, catching our eyes, “see me once you are done.” Without another word, he turns and makes off towards his office.
“Fuck. We are royally fucked, aren’t we?” Sonny groans, throwing his head back.
“Yep.” My reply is short. I watch Scarlett as she follows the girls into the locker rooms. I feel a tinge of disappointment as I watch her disappear amongst the throngs of people.
I turn my head back around, focusing on where I’m walking instead of watching my girl. Nicky catches my eye and gives me a knowing sad smile. “We will get her back.”
I give a sharp nod. There’s nothing I can say.
“I refuse to give up on her. She was in the palm of our hands and we let her slip.” Dacre’s voice hitches. He clutches his hair in his hands as he stops walking. “Fuck!” He shouts, the sound echoing around the locker room we just walked into causing the guys to all dart their heads towards us. His back straightens as he whirls around to look at us. Fear deep in his eyes. And heartbreak. Something I can feel mirrored on my own.
“We just fucking abandoned her! We broke our girl's heart. Did you see her out there?” He shouts, pointing back out the door. “That was a mask she was wearing with us all day. She had to put on a fucking mask just to deal with us. Then she finally snapped.” His fingers return to his hair and he pulls to the point of pain. I honestly don’t think he is even focused on the feeling of it right now.
He is too consumed with self loathing in what he has done. In what we have done.
He starts shaking his head, muttering quietly to himself. I step closer to him and I’m finally able to hear his pleas. “I can’t lose her again. I can’t lose her again.” He repeats over and over.
I grab his shoulders in an attempt to snap him out of it, but he fights me for a moment, like he is lost and doesn’t know where he is.
“Dacre,” I say, firmly but quietly. He doesn’t hear me. “Dacre.” My voice gets louder. Still no response.
I turn a pleading eye at Nicky. We don’t have to say words, he just knows. He needs Scarlett. If I can’t calm him down, none of us will be able to. It’ll only be her.
Nicky takes off out of the room in a dash to find Scarlett. I pray that she will hear him out. That there is a part of her that loves us, or Dacre, enough to help him.
Mental health is a fucking demon. It’s plagued Dacre for fucking years. Yet, it went quiet the moment we met Scarlett and again now that she is back. But it's the threat of losing her that has sent him back into that pit.
The door to the boy’s locker room swings open and Nicky rushes back through it. I look at him as if waiting for an answer but I don’t need it.
It's like the entire room stops moving, everyone frozen in place as Scarlett darts through the door. A towel is all that is wrapped around her body. The ends of her hair are wet from where it looks like she has tied it up halfway through her shower.
Her eyes widen when she sees the state Dacre is in before she rushes towards him. I step away to give her enough room but decide to stay close. I trust Dacre completely but I know that his episodes can be unpredictable. I know he would hate himself if he did something to hurt her and I refuse to let that happen.
“Sweet boy.” She coaxes, her voice whisper-quiet. I note the slight shake to her voice. She is scared.
My eyes stay glued on them. I watch as Scarlett tucks the towel tighter around her chest so she is able to use both of her hands.
Slowly, she brings them up to cradle his face. He jumps the moment her skin touches him. Like a jolt of electricity through his system.
“Sweet boy, you aren’t going to lose me. I’m right here.” His head shoots up. Tear tracks line his cheeks from where the emotions were just too much for him.
“But, we broke you.” His voice is so quiet I can barely hear it. It's loud enough for Scarlett though. She shakes her head, sighing.
“I’m not going to lie to you Dacre, you did break me. You broke my heart. But that doesn’t mean you are going to lose me. You know that right? ”
He nods but I can tell he doesn’t believe her. It’s obvious she can too, as she straightens back to full height. Dacre does too, imitating her movements like she is a conduit keeping him grounded.
“I’m mad at you. Really fucking mad. But I’m not going anywhere.”
“Promise?” he whispers, desperation laced in his voice. A deep seated need for her, one we share.
“I promise.” Her voice is firm and I can see the moment the reassurance settles the demon inside of him.
“But,” he stiffens again, as if bracing for impact, “that doesn’t mean you are just let off the hook. I need an explanation from you.”
He starts nodding straight away. “You have it. Time and place. I’ll hold nothing back.”
She gives him an assessing look, “You are going to work for it. Just because you have a soft spot in my heart doesn’t mean I’m going to be any less firm with you. You will be in the trenches with those assholes.” Her head nods back towards where Nicky, Sonny and Dawson are all standing.
A small smile creeps onto his face. While there is still a whisper of the episode still lingering in his eyes, it's mostly gone. I let out a sigh in relief. Never before has anyone of us been able to settle him as quickly as Scarlett was able to. She is a fucking miracle. We don’t deserve her. None of us do. But God, if I won’t do everything in my power to keep her.
Scarlett steps away then, “Okay, well if you are all good, I better head back to the shower,” she says awkwardly. We seem to then all clue into the fact that the only thing covering her wet naked body is the thin towel she has clutched around her body.
Dacre’s eyes drop and instantly widen, a blush spreading across his cheeks. He gulps and goes to talk but his mouth just gapes like a fish. I share the sentiment too. It shouldn’t feel this raunchy to see someone in a towel, especially considering the circumstances but goddamn, Scarlett could make a potato sack look sexy.
“Okay. Bye,” she squeaks, turning quickly but before she gets too far, I grab her arm, halting her escape. She turns to look at me and I have to name the President in my head to regain control of myself. To stop myself from fucking this up even more.
“Once training is done, can we talk?” I ask, hopeful that we will get the chance to explain everything to her sooner rather than later.
My hope is crushed as she shakes her head no. “I’m sorry. I’ve got to meet Shelly to go over the induction stuff.”
I nod, remembering she had mentioned it to us at lunch. “Tomorrow?” I ask, yet again hopeful.
She shakes her head again in a no. “Sorry, the girls have organised band practice.” I’m just about to ask about Wednesday but she beats me to it. “Wednesday I’ve got a meeting with Dad and the leadership. Thursday, I’ve got band practice again. Friday, I’m going to Pinks’ with the girls.”
“Saturday?” I ask.
She nods her head and relief fills me, “Saturday.”
“Okay,” I say, a smile brightening my face.
She returns a smile for a moment before realising she is still standing in a boy’s locker room in only a towel. Her eyes widen as she looks around the room, noticing all the guys with their hungry gazes on her.
“Yep. Catch ya.”
I chuckle, watching as our girl takes off out of the room like her ass is on fire.