3
LIBBY
Last Summer
Grizzly kissed my hand with sad brown eyes. His grief and pain broke a piece of me and tears flooded my eyes. He’d been right and I probably should have listened to his fears and warnings about my safety. I’d just believed the rescue would go off without a hitch. Silly, foolish me.
As I faded in and out of consciousness on the dirt, all I wished for was to see Grizzly’s and Toby’s handsome faces one last time, before passing into another life.
Only them.
My men.
The two I adored and loved.
Half of my wish had come true when Grizzly arrived at my side, but not Toby. Only club members had been involved in the exchange with Dorian Adrienne.
Not having Toby with us right now felt wrong, just as it had when Grizzly and I had sex. Or wrong like when I was alone with Toby and Grizzly wasn’t with us. Those times I’d wished we could have all been together at once.
When Toby had entered our lives, I never felt totally whole when the three of us weren’t together. I knew both men felt as I did, they just wouldn’t admit it to each other and I couldn’t force them to.
Now, I was dying on the ground with only one of my guys and it was just so fucking wrong.
As I stared at a frantic Grizzly, not hearing anything he was shouting, the Bruno Mars song I was obsessed with played in my head.
If Toby was here, then I could die with a smile .
Beep. Beep. Beep.
A sharp, annoying sound started me and my eyes flashed open.
Had I been dreaming or simply lost in dreadful thoughts?
I hated remembering what happened this morning.
My mind kept replaying over and over like a broken record.
I wanted to stop and if I had the energy, I’d scream at the top of my lungs—STOP!
“Shh, baby. You’re safe. Just rest.” Grizzly pressed his lips to my hand and held them there. “Your heart is racing, according to the machine.”
I should be focused on the positive. I didn’t die today.
But also, my near-death experience had made me realize I wanted more… Just more . Except, I was too groggy to figure it all out right now.
My mouth and throat were dry, but I had to know the outcome… “T… T… Tina. Is. Is she okay? Raymond. Did we get him?”
“Shh. No talking, my love. Try to stay still and calm.”
My love?
Grizzly never spoke to me this way. We’d been keeping love and other terms of endearment out of our relationship. Sure, I knew what I felt for him. I also knew, by his actions and the way he looked at me, how much I meant to him. We just hadn’t said the words.
I blinked my eyes, trying to get a clearer look at him. Why did he look devastated?
“Grizz, what are you hiding from me?” Was I actually not okay? Were my injuries worse than I thought. Would I not live to see another day?
“The doctor wants you to rest, sweetheart.” Toby’s voice came from my other side. He was here. I hadn’t even noticed him in the room.
How awful of me. I should feel bad, but I couldn’t worry about him while I tried to read Grizzly’s expression.
“Please tell me how it went.” I locked my gaze to Grizzly’s. I wouldn’t let him brush me off. If anyone knew his moods and expressions, it was me. And right now, he was on the edge of tears.
“We got Dorian.” He exhaled and gently squeezed my hand. “Raymond and Tina are fine. You were the only one hurt at the church. Now rest.”
Rest? Why did they keep saying rest ?
“What are my injuries?” I touched my stomach with my free hand. Since I was in a hospital bed, the damage had to have been extensive, otherwise Patch could’ve treated me at the compound. Or perhaps I’d been close to dying.
“Jesus, why won’t you listen to me? Do you always have to be so stubborn?”
“Of course she does.” Toby chuckled light-heartedly as he looked across the bed at my tightly wound, Grizzly.
Whenever Grizz slipped into one of his funks, Toby and I would team up to bring him out of the dark and into the light.
Toby was Grizzly’s friend, the only male to warm up to my grumpy, introverted lover.
After many years of giving more of myself to Grizz than any other member, it shocked me when he and Toby started hanging out together.
It shouldn’t have been surprising. They were both computer geeks, and Toby was fun and easygoing.
It was about a year after Storm and Angel got married that Toby started coming to town to visit his sister and new baby niece, Birdie. He’d helped Grizzly with security stuff and a friendship had slowly formed.
Truth be told, if Toby could have been around more than a few times a year, Grizzly might not have needed me as much.
Jeez, I hated thinking that way. I loved Grizzly, even though I’d tried to keep my emotions bottled up.
I’d become a Kitten because I enjoyed sex and needed a way to put myself through school to be a medical assistant.
After my certification, Storm had offered me a monthly stipend to aid Patch, the club’s doctor, any time he needed help. Of course, I had accepted his offer on the spot.
I loved KLMC and being a kitten, aka club whore.
Kittens were treated well, unless we got out of line, like Carla and Misty had. I’d become close to the old ladies, unlike Carla, who’d been a bitch to everyone.
Respecting others and earning theirs had given me the freedom to be with whoever I wanted, including Toby when he came to town.
But Grizz had become so much more to me than sex. No matter how hard I’d tried to keep my heart and emotions out of the mix, nothing could stop Grizzly from barrelling through my iron walls.
“What’s going on with you?” I raised our joined hands to my lips and kissed the top of his, hoping it would soothe whatever was bothering him.
“I could’ve lost you today.” And there it was. Grizzly released my hand and rubbed his eyes with the backs of his. “You wouldn’t listen to me and could’ve died.”
“Oh honey, I’m here though.”
“She’s too stubborn to leave us,” Toby said. “I must’ve told him a dozen times, while you were in surgery, that you will never leave us.”
“Toby’s right, honey.” I smiled at Grizzly. “I couldn’t stand to be without you, without either of you.” The truth was, Toby had found his way into my heart, too. I wasn’t sure when it had happened, but I wanted him to be around more often so I could share myself equally between him and Grizz.
Actually, I wanted us all to be together, like a throuple.
I was confident neither would mind sharing me, considering I still spent time with some of the single men in the club. I was a Kitten and proud to be one.
But up until today, I hadn’t wanted to be claimed by anyone. Funny how things changed after a near-death experience.
“Don’t play this off like it’s not a big fucking deal, Lib.” Fear marred Grizzly’s face, and it hurt me deeply. This man had suffered tremendously during his youth. He’d escaped his torment after killing his foster parents, and lived on the streets, hiding from the authorities.
After the former president of KLMC, Matt Knight, had brought him into the fold, Matt had helped Grizz create a new identity. I knew everything Landon Graves had gone through because I’d been the only other person he’d confided in, besides Matt and Storm.
What Grizz and I shared, our bond, could never be broken.
“I’m sorry.” While I was happy to be alive, I saw how much my getting hurt had affected him. For a while now, I suspected he’d fallen in love with me but I had tried to ignore it.
Silly me had fought like hell to never belong to one man. I tried to pretend I didn’t notice the changes in Grizzly, or in me.
Now, I wasn’t sure I felt the same way about staying free and single for the rest of my life. It was amazing how a traumatic event like being shot and almost dying changed my perspective.
“No need to apologize, sweetheart. He’s just having a moment. Right, Grizz?” Toby said in an even tone.
“Yeah,” Grizzly grumbled. “Just try to rest. The doctor will return after supper.”
“Okay.” I laced my fingers with his, and put a hand on Toby’s arm. Then I closed my eyes and Bruno’s song filled the darkness in my mind.
I must’ve nodded off because the light outside had faded when I stirred and cracked my eyes open. Grizzly was still holding my hand, but Toby had left.
“Hey.” Grizzly leaned over and kissed my forehead. “Toby stepped out for coffee. Are you in any pain?”
“No.” I yawned and sensed someone else in the room. I turned my head and found Sugar at the foot of my bed.
“Hi, honey. I am so relieved you’re okay.” She rubbed my leg. “We were all worried, especially that guy.” She nodded at Grizzly.
“He’s a little overprotective.” What was I saying? There was no little about his protectiveness. Grizzly took keeping me safe to a whole new level.
He growled with an unamused expression.
“I don’t think so. He cares very much for you.” Sugar smiled, but it didn’t reach the corners of her eyes as it usually did. Something was up and nobody seemed to want to bring me up to speed.
“I’m sensing a weird vibe from you two. In fact, the air has been tense since I came out of surgery. What’s going on?”
The door opened just then, and a female doctor entered with Toby trailing behind, white styrofoam cups in each of his hands. He gave one to Grizzly and one to Sugar.
“Libby, it’s good to see you awake. How are you feeling?” The brunette adjusted her green rimmed glasses as she studied me. The apples of her cheeks turned pink. Not surprising with such fair skin and two attractive men breathing the same air as her.
“I’ve been better.” What else could I say? I’d been shot for goodness’ sake. She of all people should know how I felt.
Curiosity was getting the better of me. I wanted to ask Grizzly what he’d told the medical staff. In a motorcycle club, we didn’t usually go to hospitals.
How severe had my injuries been if Patch couldn’t take care of me? The thought was frightening. I wiggled my toes, and I felt them. Thank, God! I wasn’t paralyzed.
“Well, you’ll make a full recovery,” the doctor told me.
“That’s a relief,” I replied, but she didn’t make me feel better. I might not be paralyzed, and that was very good, but I’d bet my life on something very bad had happened to me.
“But there are some things we need to talk about.” She glanced at Grizzly, then Toby, and then she turned toward Sugar behind her. “Perhaps in private.”
“No. They can stay.” Whatever she had to tell me sounded serious, and I wanted my closest friends with me when I heard I was going to die.
Strangely, I didn’t feel like I was going to meet my maker any time soon, but perhaps that was the point. I was so bad off that I felt nothing. Well, except for my toes.
“All right, then. During surgery, I had to remove your right ovary and fallopian tube, due to the damage by the bullet. With you being in your prime childbearing years, it—”
“Are you saying I can’t have children?” My heart seized, and I wasn’t sure why.
I’d grown up with a mom who’d made my sister and me feel like burdens.
She had blamed us for her shitty life and never took responsibility for getting pregnant twice .
Despite her horrible attitude and parenting skills, and lack of affection, I had loved her.
Not that she ever muttered I love you in all my years with her.
I supposed that was why my sister and I hadn’t made things easy for her.
We were a pair of selfish brats, those were Mom’s words, not mine.
Motherhood wasn’t for me, and not because I had a horrible mother. I enjoyed my independence and not having to care for another human.
But having the choice ripped away from me made me feel violated… and maybe a little heartbroken. My emotions were a jumbled mess, like I wanted to yell and cry all at once.
“No, I’m not saying that at all. Once you’re fully healed, I can assess the damage from the bullet better. It may be more difficult to conceive, but not impossible. And there’s always IVF. You can still have a child if you’d like.”
I kept my gaze on the wall in front of me as the doctor explained what I could expect during recovery over the next several months. Her words meant nothing to me, as a part of me wept over losing my ovary and fallopian tube. What was up with that?
I never wanted kids, never wanted to be a mom. Yet there I was, mourning the loss even though the doctor told me it wouldn’t be impossible, only difficult. A lot hindered on the damage, and we wouldn’t know to what degree until I was fully recovered.
Grizzly and Toby remained by my side. Sugar watched on, listening intently. The three of them appeared devastated on my behalf. Maybe I was feeding off their emotions and not my own.
I didn’t understand the crazy thoughts whirling through me. Even if I couldn’t conceive, I was alive, and that was all that mattered. So why did I feel empty and heartbroken?
Maybe being told I might not be able to have a baby on my own made me want one. How ridiculous was I? I loved being a Kitten. Then there was Grizzly and Toby. If I wanted to have a baby, who would I choose to be the father?
I slowly peered at Grizzly, then swooped my gaze over to Toby. They both owned a piece of my heart, though I hadn’t admitted it.
How could I pick one over the other?
And what if neither of them wanted children? They enjoyed me as I did them and cared about me, but having a baby would bond me to the father for life. I supposed I could get artificially inseminated with a stranger’s semen.
Why was I allowing these pointless thoughts into my head?
Just put a baby out of your mind. You don’t want kids. You’re a Kitten.
But you love two men, and you’d said you wanted more… Maybe you meant having your own family.
I did love two men, and that should be enough. I didn’t need a baby of my own, but I sure as hell wanted to decide for myself and not have the choice yanked out of my hands.
At least I had Grizzly and Toby.
Wherever they went, I’d follow.
I couldn’t imagine not having them in my life. Losing either of them would be worse than not having a child. I’d never survive the abject heartbreak of being without one or both of them.