Chapter 38 Allegra
ALLEGRA
I drop the little shovel to the ground, and I stand up, already in dire need of a glass of water and some shade. I should have realized that gardening at noon in August wouldn't be a good idea, but after running out of things to do, it's not like I have a choice. It's that or… complete boredom.
Is it possible to die from boredom?
Because I feel like I might soon.
After my emergency visit to the ER last year, things have changed. Dramatically, one might say.
One day, Lucia was laughing at me from her lofty tower; the next, she was gone. She'd suddenly decided to visit Sicily for an extended vacation.
When I'd heard that, I'd been ecstatic. Finally, I'd get to have a respite from the ongoing battles in this house.
Though I'd felt like shit from getting my stomach pumped, I'd still found it within me to rejoice at the thought of spending one day—just one day—in peace.
And to my everlasting joy, she still hasn't come back.
But Enzo…
His behavior had changed completely after those incidents. Gone was the playful rogue, replaced with a cold, unfeeling bastard.
Silly me, but I'd thought that sleeping together would change our relationship for the better. Instead, Enzo had become more taciturn, sometimes barely acknowledging me. If that wasn't enough, he started prohibiting me from going outside—even with armed guards.
In just a short while, I've gone from reluctant bride to embittered prisoner.
For the first month, I'd tried to get used to the idea. After all, what else is there for me?
But I tasted freedom, and now I know what the world has to offer, so I wasn't about to let another man cage me.
A small flicker of hope started to grow inside me, and I knew I couldn't just take his abuse.
While in the beginning it had all been fanciful notions—the dreams of what if—after witnessing a new side of my husband, I'd become increasingly sure that I couldn't stay.
One night, Enzo had stumbled into my room and we'd proceeded to claw at each other like two animals in heat. We'd been out of control for the entire night, our bodies doing the talking instead of our mouths. It had been heaven… and hell.
Because when daylight came, he was back to his indifferent self. It was like I didn't matter. That's when I realized how easy it was for him to slake his lust on my body, yet pretend I didn't exist when he didn't need me.
I'd realized how pathetic I'd become.
So starved was I for any crumb of affection that once again I allowed my heart to melt a little for him.
Not anymore.
Since I saw that his only use for me was sex, I decided to treat our encounters between the sheets with the same nonchalance he did. Everyone has sex, right? I shouldn't put any importance on it.
I forced myself to close my heart to him and do what men are so good at doing—treat our carnal affair as if there were no strings attached.
It took me a while to stop pining, to stop feeling this pang in my heart whenever I saw him.
But I did it.
And so another plan had started to take shape—freedom.
I don't want to be a prisoner for my entire life. I know there's a life for me out there—away from the mob, and away from Enzo.
So I started planning, observing, concocting.
I used my diary to write all of my ideas, strategizing like a seasoned war general.
I noted the position of the guards, the times between their shifts, as well as individual characteristics of all the men around the house.
I observed where the weaknesses lay in the security, and I plan to take full advantage of that when the time comes.
I'd also stashed away pawnable stuff—things that would help me get on my feet once I'm as far away from here as possible.
I'd been so proud of myself—almost a year had passed, but I was confident that my plan would succeed.
Now, with less than one month left until the day, I feel slightly nostalgic.
I'm still staunch in my conviction that I need to leave.
But at night, I find myself reaching out for Enzo more, seeking the heat of his body, letting him take me hard and fast in a way that sends me over the edge, teetering on the precipice, knowing that if I truly fall I can never recover.
Because while I'd repressed my feelings for him, I'm still worried that a day might come when the seal would break, my emotions spilling with an intensity I'm not ready to face.
Feeling a little dizzy, I blink my eyes twice, trying to regain my balance.
Water… I need water.
I make my way to the kitchen, pour myself a glass, and run into Enzo. His face as emotionless as I'd come to expect, he comes closer to me, a frown marring his perfect features.
But just as he's less than one foot away, a pungent smell hits me—that blasted perfume. My eyes widen for a moment before everything I'd eaten that morning comes rushing back. I make it to the sink in record time, emptying the contents of my stomach, and those of my heart.
He was with her… again.
It's always the same smell, so I know it has to be the same woman.
Does he love her?
He must, since he's been with her from the very beginning.
Does she even know he's also sleeping with me? The thought almost makes me laugh, if I weren't in this awkward position, bent over the sink, the faucet running as I splash water onto my face.
But I don't care, right? I have my own plans, and soon he's going to be an afterthought—nothing else.
"Are you okay?" he asks, trying to help me to a chair.
"Yeah, I'm fine now."
"Has this happened before?"
"No," I tell him curtly.
It's all because of your whore's cheap perfume.
But I don't say that out loud. No, that would mean I care.
Getting my bearings, I stand up, my only thought to get as far away from him as possible. Maybe it's the suddenness of the movement, or just the lingering sickness, but as I stand up, a wave of dizziness overtakes me, and I almost hit the floor.
Enzo's arms are tight around me as he cocoons me against his chest.
"That's it. We're going to the hospital," he says, but at this point I'm too weak to argue.
My eyelids flutter closed, and I'm barely aware of the journey to the hospital.
Enzo takes me in his arms, rushing me to the ER.
"She's been feeling ill and almost fainted," he explains to a nurse, and I start heaving, the sickness returning.
"Here, here," I'm placed on a bed, and a nurse is saying something.
"We're going to give her some fluids for now. We have to ask, is there any chance she's pregnant?"
"No," I whisper, at the same time Enzo says, "Yes."
I frown, but even in my confused state I know it can't be true. I've been taking the pill since I'd gotten it prescribed during my first ER visit. I can't be pregnant.
"We'll run a test, then," the nurse continues, but I wrap my fingers around her wrist, stopping her.
"It's not necessary."
"But it is. It's standard protocol. Don't worry, it's nothing invasive."
She leaves, and I'm alone with Enzo, who's looking at me with a strange look in his eyes.
"Shh, it's okay, I got you," he takes my hand in his.
"I'm not pregnant," I tell him, convinced this has to be some sort of mistake.
Surely the universe wouldn't be so cruel…
A round of testing later, the nurse comes back with the results.
"Congratulations," she starts, but my mind already blanks after that word.
Pregnant… I'm pregnant…
"Are you sure?" I ask just as she's about to leave.
"Blood tests are the most accurate, and your hCG levels are high, which means you're pregnant. I'm going to send in my colleague to do an ultrasound so you can see how far along you are."
A baby… I'm pregnant….
And stuck.
I turn my head to the side, not wanting to face anyone, least of all Enzo. Tears are gathering at the corners of my eyes as I realize the enormity of this.
The doctor wheels in a machine, and Enzo's hand covers mine, gripping it tightly. His face lights up when the doctor starts the monitor and prepares everything for the ultrasound, not realizing what this means for me.
The end of all my dreams.
Maybe I can still do it—run away.
But that would just be selfish of me. What could I offer a baby? I would barely have money to take care of myself, and I'd planned to work odd jobs to make ends meet until I could enroll in some courses.
A baby…
I can't do it.
The doctor assumes my tears are because I'm emotionally overwhelmed. But I'm just mourning my future.
I'm bound to be his prisoner—forever.
Just as this disappointment threatens to overtake my entire being, the doctor spreads some cool gel on my stomach.
"This might be a bit cold," she warns before touching my belly with the device.
I turn my head slowly to the screen and watch in wonder as something small appears.
"Is that…" I whisper, words simply failing me.
"Yes, it's the heartbeat. Everything looks normal. Your baby is about six to seven weeks old."
I listen to the small but steady thump sound, and I feel Enzo hugging me from behind.
"We're having a baby, little tigress," he whispers in my ear, his voice full of emotion.
"What is it?" Enzo quickly comes to my side, taking my hand and leading me to the table. If you saw how he behaved with me, you'd think I'm made of glass.
But seeing how happy he's been about the baby, it's no wonder he wants to make sure everything is okay.
"I'm fine. Just a little tired." Sighing deeply, I take a seat. He's next to me in a second, offering me water and medicine.
"No," I push them aside. "I'm fine, really," I assure him again.
Going into the tenth week of pregnancy, my nausea had gotten better, but my energy levels had gone down. Surprisingly, Enzo's been a constant presence around the house.
His father had been the happiest and had proceeded to inform all his relatives that he'd have a grandson soon—not that the sex had been confirmed yet.
But for the first time ever, Rocco had been nice to me.
"Do you need anything?" His eyes are full of worry as he looks at me, his finger drawing circles on my skin.
"I have a favor I'd like to ask…" I summon the courage to ask, knowing this is no small task.
"Anything," Enzo responds.
"I'd like for Lia to come stay with me during the pregnancy and after the birth. She's always been like a mother to me and…"
"Done!" Enzo interrupts me, and I'm taken aback by his resolute answer.
"Really?" I ask in awe. I'd been prepared to fight him on this.
"I told you, Allegra. Anything you want, you just have to ask."
Anything for the baby…
The foreign thought enters my mind, and I'm once again faced with disappointment. Why can't anyone like me for me?
"You really want this baby, don't you?" I turn to him, and his brows pinch together in a frown.
"Of course, don't you?" His answer is immediate as a smile pulls at his lips.
"Of course," I fake a smile too, even though inside I'm definitely not smiling.
He takes me by the shoulder, bringing me into him, the top of my head resting right under his chin.
"We should start thinking about names."
"Isn't it too early?"
"No. Not when I can't wait to meet the life we created, little tigress." His voice holds a certain melancholy.
One thing is for sure—Enzo already loves this child deeply. The problem is that no matter how much I tried, I also fell more in love with my little one with every passing day. The sound of the heartbeat had shocked me, but it had also inexplicably delighted me.
The weeks pass, and my sickness slowly disappears. I'm still easily tired, but I've been sleeping more and limiting my movements.
When the nausea finally subsides, though, the cravings start. And something else too…
Since the pregnancy had been confirmed, Enzo had barely touched me, afraid he might harm the baby. Though I'm grateful for his consideration, it's been killing me. More so as I advance into the second trimester of the pregnancy.
I'm constantly thinking about sex, and I find myself wet more often than not, a hot need burning inside of me. But no matter how much I'd tried to get him to fuck me, he just wouldn't.
"What if we hurt the baby?" he'd ask, pushing at my shoulders after a heavy make-out session.
"We can go slow," I'd add, though we've never done that before. In a way, I can see why he'd be so wary.
At the initial check-up, the doctor had pulled me aside to ask if I was in an abusive situation.
I guess she'd seen the bruises and bite marks on my neck, not that I'd done much to hide them.
I'd been extremely embarrassed as I explained to her how I'd gotten those marks, barely refraining from telling her that Enzo's body is even worse.
At this point, I have no doubt that his back is permanently scarred from my nails.
But when I'd told Enzo about that, he'd looked distraught.
"Fuck! I didn't think it could affect the baby!" he'd exclaimed, before declaring that he wouldn't touch me anymore.
I'd been flabbergasted, but I just thought it was a passing phase for him and that he wouldn't actually commit to it. Well, he'd surprised me when he'd persisted with his crazy idea.
We still sleep in the same bed because he needs to be close in case something happens, but he makes sure to put a barrier in the form of a pillow between us at night so we don't even touch.
Does he realize the number of times I've dry-humped that pillow at this point?
I'm close to my boiling point, and increased libido coupled with unsatisfied cravings equals a very cranky Allegra.
"Damn it," I kick my foot against the table, irritated and wanting to scream at someone. It's close to three a.m., and I've been ransacking every corner of the kitchen trying to find something to assuage my sweet tooth.
But I'm craving cherry cake… and there is nothing even remotely similar or satisfying.