Chapter 28
Savannah
It’s been a day, and my body is now fully aware I gave birth. Everything aches. My feet, my back, my body. But I feel nothing but joy. Okay, and tired.
Griffin has barely left my side. He slept here with me last night and showered here this morning. Apart from taking a few calls in the hallway and going to grab us coffee, he hasn’t left.
“So have you thought of a name yet?” the nurse asks as she takes my vitals and records it.
Griffin looks up at me, waiting.
“I have a few ideas.”
“I’m sure whatever you decide will be perfect. I think you’ll be able to go home tomorrow. One more night to recover, and then as long as you have someone at home to help you, then there should be no need to go into Whispers Hospital.”
“Oh, I…” I start to say.
“I’ll be there.” Griffin’s answer is instant. And while I should feel bad, want independence, not to be a burden, there’s more than just me to think about now. And he just saw me give birth. There’s literally nothing else to hide from him, and he’s still here.
“Good. Well, we’ll be back later with supper.” She smiles and walks out as the baby starts to fuss.
“Can you grab him?” I ask Griffin as I sit up in bed, trying not to cringe at the aches in my body.
Griffin stands, walking to the bassinet, and scoops up the baby like he’s a mere football.
“You want him?” Griffin asks, but the moment he has him in his arms, the baby settles immediately.
“Why don’t you cuddle him for a bit?” I offer, laying my head back down, barely having the energy to lift it a moment longer than necessary.
Griffin helped all night; he brought the baby to me for feeding and helped me with everything so I didn’t have to move too much.
But he hasn’t really sat with the baby. Facilitated yes but not cuddled yet.
I watch as Griffin swallows, the reality of his situation now apparent.
He slowly takes a seat, the baby looking comically small in his arms and all too well protected.
Griffin maneuvers the baby so he’s lying on his broad chest, his movements slow and steady, like he’s holding a thousand-year-old vase that he doesn’t want to drop.
He rests the baby’s head on his chest, near where I think Griffin's heart is. And watch in awe as this big, gruff, grumpy man places his large hand on my son’s small back.
Watching in silence, I hold my breath. Griffin’s shoulders lower a little, my son snuggled and warm and now quiet and content. My eyes sting, my chest feels heavy. My life has never been perfect, but at this moment, I feel like it comes close.
“So you got some names?” Griffin's voice is a soft rumble.
“I’ve got one,” I admit, feeling nervous. My palms are sweating. I love the name I’ve chosen, not sure the man holding my baby will, though.
“Oh yeah?” Griffin’s looking at my son closely, memorizing his little features. Taking in his little nose, his soft little breaths, and his long lashes.
“I thought maybe we could call him Tommy.” Griffin's hand pauses, and his facial features still.
“But I wanted to ask you first, what you thought of that.” I continue quickly as my mouth dries and my heart thuds heavily in my chest. Thomas is a nice name. Strong, meaningful. Sentimental to the man who has already given me so much.
I remain quiet, waiting. Griffin leans his head down, putting his lips to my son’s head, so softly I almost shed a tear.
“I think that’s a beautiful name for a beautiful boy.” He looks at me for the first time, his eyes glassy.
“Thomas Griffin Shepherd,” I tell him, and his face stills, his eyes searching mine.
“You don’t need to…”
“I want to.” I swallow. “My son is going to need a strong man to look up to. A man to show him how the world works. A man who knows you don’t always need to be hard to be strong. That softness and kindness are just as important. I think he should be named after such a man as well.”
“Oh, sweetness. Don’t go putting a halo around my head now… I’m no guardian angel,” he murmurs.
“Hmmmm, maybe, maybe not. Who knows, you might walk out of this hospital room now and never look back.” I swallow hard, hating the fact that my words do have some truth to them. “But in the time of my life when I needed someone, you were there,” I tell him as his gaze remains on me.
“I’m not going anywhere… You should get some sleep, sweetness. Your body has been through a lot,” he tells me, not acknowledging the name, not refuting or replying.
I lie back down and get comfortable, pulling the blankets around my chin, watching Griffin holding Tommy until my eyes get heavy.
Feeling content, not knowing exactly what awaits me when I wake.
Hearing the baby fuss, I sit up. I’m alone, and the afternoon sun sits high.
“Oh, you’re awake,” a kind nurse says as she walks into my room. She takes a quick look at the baby and then comes over to me.
“How are you feeling? Did you get a little sleep?” She pours me a small glass of water.
“An hour, maybe… I think.” The nurse hands me the glass, and I see her eyes look down at my chest and then back to me.
“He’ll need feeding soon, but I noticed your necklace.
Would you like the hospital chaplain to come in?
Perhaps say a blessing for you and the baby?
” she asks, and my fingers find the cross hanging from my necklace, and I thumb it a little.
It’s a necklace my parents gave me when I was younger, and I’ve worn it every day since.
So much so, I forget I’m even wearing it.
My eyes dart to my son. A blessing would be nice. He’s only a day old. I’m not sure what awaits him in his life. I’m not sure if I’ll even take him to church or raise him with religion being a big part of our lives after what the community did to me, but a kind blessing couldn’t harm.
“Sure. If he has the time.”
The nurse smiles. “Of course. I’ll ensure he knows to stop by.”
She nods and then starts to move.
“Um, my ahhhh… Griffin? Do you know where he went?” I wonder where he is.
“He went to make some calls, and then he was going to the cafeteria to grab a coffee. He said he won't be long.”
I nod as she walks out. It makes sense. He’s lacking sleep as much as I am.
I feel bad that he’s by my side, at a time when he has so much work going on and clients to meet.
I think about the bakery then. Griffin mentioned that he’d call Melissa to go in with reduced hours and to sell a few things to keep the locals happy.
I’m grateful, because I know this hospital visit isn’t going to be cheap.
I swallow harshly because I haven’t thought about that too much.
I mean, I saved my money. I knew it would cost something, but Hudson mentioned the new mothers program at Whispers, so I thought most of the fees would be covered.
Now that I’m in Williamstown, a different hospital with a different doctor, I suspect that won't be the case.
The new ovens and mixers I’d planned to purchase in another month or so will have to wait a little longer.
“My dear. Congratulations…” I look at the door to a man walking in and my stomach curls.
“Pastor Greg… what are you doing here?” My heart rate escalates as I try to sit up straighter without wincing too much.
He has a scarily soft smile on his lips as he walks straight over to Tommy and peers into his bassinet.
“A boy?”
“That’s right.” I swallow, feeling uncomfortable. Fear itching my skin.
“What are you doing here?” I try to grab the call button, but it’s out of reach. It must have slipped off the bed when I slept.
“The nurse said you wanted a blessing for the baby.” Shit, he’s the hospital chaplain. How did I not realize that?
“Oh…” I regret my decision now. I didn’t want anyone from my past to see Tommy. I don’t want anyone near him.
“It’s okay. I know you’re busy,” I say because now that he’s here, I just want him to go. I know he’ll immediately tell my family. Tell them all about his name, his birth information, all things I don’t want them to know.
“Dear Lord, I come to you now and ask you to bless your poor child, Thomas. Lord, bless him and protect him. Protect him from sinfulness and from the ways of this world. Smile on him, Lord, and be gracious with him. Let him be like your Son, Jesus, and grow in true wisdom and stature, and let him always seek Your favor. Lord, we pray that his life will be like a light in this fallen world. Let him know he is deeply loved by his family, by his Church, and by you, his Father in Heaven. In Jesus’ name we pray, Amen. ”
I swallow as Pastor Greg stays, looking at Tommy for a moment.
“You know God delivers what we most need in the world.” He turns to look at me. His eyes run from my face down the bed and back, like he’s assessing me. For illness, for clarification, for what, I don’t know.
I shiver, feeling cold. “He does.”
“This child of God. Thomas. He needs to be in a home with God-fearing parents. Two parents, a husband and a wife.”
My heart thuds faster. I want to move. I want to grab Tommy and hold him. Seal him to my chest so no harm can come to him. But I don’t think I can move. I’m scared still.
“A child of God needs to be with its mother,” I state clearly.
Pastor Greg knows my parents well. They all grew up together.
He and my father spend so much time together, praying and working for the church.
I know what he’s thinking. It’s what he’s always thought.
Along with my parents. This baby should go to Eden.
He smiles at me. Like I’m some young, silly girl who doesn’t know how the world works.
Like I’m stupid and he’s superior. I hate it.
“The Lord sees all things, and sin does not hide behind innocence. This child was already born into your unrepented shame. Don’t let him grow up with sinfulness.”
“You must have the wrong room.”