Chapter 24
Chapter Twenty-Four
Allora
There’s good sex and then there are out-of-body experiences.
What Landon and I just did is neither.
It transcends good sex and surpasses what I imagine an out-of-body experience would be like.
There are no words to properly articulate what we just did.
By the time we’ve done it in the shower and again over the back of the couch, I’m sated and more relaxed than I’ve been in a long time.
I’m also feeling clingy, which is new for me. I do enjoy a post-coital cuddle but I find myself curled against Landon’s much-larger body like a second skin. And there’s no doubt he’s aware.
“You okay, baby?”
“Mm, yes. Just feeling…some kind of way.”
“Vulnerable?”
“Maybe.”
“It’s okay to feel like that.”
“But you probably don’t.”
“No, but I’m not you. And I wasn’t sexually assaulted a couple of weeks ago.”
I stiffen, his words bursting my little bubble of happiness.
“You can’t pretend it didn’t happen. And your first time having sex after something so traumatic is undoubtedly triggering. Even if you don’t want it to be.”
“It’s not triggering,” I say quietly. “It’s more…a reminder, I guess, when I want so much to forget.”
He’s quiet for a few seconds before asking, “Did they hurt you?”
I don’t respond right away because I know what he’s asking. He knows they beat me, gave me a black eye and bruised my ribs, but that’s not the part he’s talking about.
He’s asking about the sexual element.
What they did when they raped me.
“I fought,” I say finally, the words giving me a chill despite being latched on to Landon’s warm body.
“And they wanted me to stop fighting.” I swallow.
“So they could enjoy it. That’s how I got the black eye.
And the split lip.” I’m suddenly a little nauseated and I pull in a few shaky breaths before continuing.
“They threatened to…do anal if I didn’t stop resisting.
” Saying the words out loud for the first time make tears prick my eyelids and I squeeze them shut.
“Shh. You’re safe now,” he whispers against my temple, his arms tightly wrapped around me. “They can’t hurt you. But you can tell me anything. And once you do, you’re setting that particular pain free.”
Tears leak out of my eyes as I continue. “It hurt because I was tense. And dry. And furious. And they took such a long time…”
“Oh, baby, I’m sorry.” He lifts a hand to stroke my hair.
“And then when Vito finished, he laughed and said something like, ‘not the best I’ve ever had but at least her cunt is tight.’ Baron didn’t even wait, he just picked right up where Vito left off. At that point, I’d given up, so I just laid there and…let them.”
“Of course, you did!” His voice is quiet but filled with understanding. “You were in survival mode.”
“They didn’t stop,” I whisper, a soft sob escaping me. “I don’t even know how many times. I just remember—” I stop abruptly. The memory comes back out of nowhere and I blink a few times.
“What?” he asks quickly. “What did you remember?”
“Vito said ‘he said we could do whatever we wanted as long as we didn’t get her pregnant or cause permanent damage.’” I tilt up my head.
“They used the term ‘he said.’ And I don’t think they’re talking about the boss because every other time they referenced him they called him that—the boss. This seemed…different.”
“A specific buyer,” he murmurs. “Someone wanted you. Not a random blond but you specifically.”
I shudder. “Which means he might still want me. And they’ll try again and again until he gets me.”
I feel him stiffen and his voice is stern when he speaks. “What did I tell you about that?”
“That doesn’t help!” I whisper harshly. “Because in the scenario where they get to me, it means you’re dead!”
“Do you know how many people have tried to kill me?” he asks gruffly. “A lot. More than I can count. And I’m still here.”
“Yes but you weren’t…” I cut myself off because I almost called him mine.
“I wasn’t what?” he presses, adjusting our positions so he can stare into my eyes.
“Nothing.” I shake my head but he grips my chin with two fingers.
“Say it.”
I hesitate but then shrug slightly. “You weren’t mine then.”
The room is deathly quiet other than the sound of the air conditioning humming in the background.
“I know technically that’s not accurate but—” I try to back pedal but he puts two fingers over my lips.
“Shush. Don’t do that.”
“Don’t do what?”
“Try to take it back. Because you said it and you meant it.”
“I did,” I admit. “But it’s okay if you don’t feel the same way. I’m allowed to feel how I feel.”
“Did I say I don’t feel the same way?” he counters.
“No, but you didn’t say you did either.”
“You haven’t given me a chance. You immediately started trying to qualify it. If you’d give me a second to think, I could come up with the right response.”
“If you have to think of the right response, then you’re just mollifying me.”
He sighs. “Did any of your boyfriends ever spank you?”
I blink and then chuckle. “No. Not really my thing.”
“Good to know—because I was definitely considering it. Listen.” He shifts again so we’re both on our sides facing each other.
“I’m feeling a lot of different things when it comes to you.
Things I’m not used to feeling and definitely not comfortable feeling but the feelings are there.
Because the truth is, you became mine the minute you stumbled out of that van and asked for help. I just don’t know what it means yet.”
I stare at him, trying to wrap my head around his response.
He feels it too.
“It means this is more than just forced proximity and a pity fuck.”
He scowls at me, eyes darkening. “Did you just insinuate this was a pity fuck?”
“Well, it could have been…”
“If that’s what it was, we would have had very different conversations before anything happened.” His eyes narrow. “And if you hadn’t been assaulted three weeks ago, you’d already be over my lap getting a spanking.”
Why does it sound hot when he says it like that?
“Pity had nothing to do with this, baby,” he continues after a moment, digging his fingers into my hair and forcing me to look at him. “Do you hear me?”
“I hear you.”
“You sure?”
“I’m sure.”
He stares at me another minute or so and then finally releases my hair and pulls me into his chest. “You sure you know what you’re getting into with me?”
I can’t help but laugh. “What I’m getting into with you? Are you not aware of the hot mess that is my life right now?”
“Nothing messy about you, Allora.” One hand travels down to my ass, squeezing firmly.
“You’re fucking perfect, inside and out.
I’m the one who literally steps in front of bullets for a living.
If there’s any chance at all of us being together, you have to come to terms with that.
Most women, at least in my experience, don’t like it. ”
I don’t say anything as I mull that over.
It’s not my favorite thing, not by any stretch of the imagination.
But I travel all the time, hang out with gorgeous models and movie stars—both male and female—so my lifestyle isn’t easy either.
“I don’t love the idea of you jumping in front of bullets,” I say, “but how often does that really happen?”
“Not lately, but it’s happened. Many times.”
“I know who you are, Landon. I knew when I saw you at that gas station. My soul knew you were going to help me. I can’t explain it.
It was both a physical and emotional reaction that cut through the drugs and the trauma—I knew you were going to be special, and that hasn’t changed after spending time together. ”
“Honey, I haven’t had a serious relationship as an adult. I don’t know if I’ll be any good at it.”
“Are you capable of loving me?”
This time, he doesn’t even hesitate. “I think so, yes.”
“Then we’ll learn together. Because while I’ve done a lot of dating, there hasn’t been a serious relationship for me either. Not since high school.”
“Since Tex?”
“Yup.”
“He must’ve been a pretty bad boyfriend.”
I chuckle. “Yes and no. He was my first everything so I didn’t know any better but I knew there had to be something more.
Something that felt…easier. I’m not saying a relationship should always be easy—God knows, my parents fought a lot—but they also laughed a lot.
They liked each other. When Dad touched her, it wasn’t about sex.
I’m sure it was sometimes, but you know what I’m trying to say.
Like, he would put a hand on her hip and just stand there.
Talking. Drinking. Watching TV. He already owned her heart so it wasn’t about proving something to anyone else…
he just liked touching her. Being with her.
With Pete it was always about sex. Like, if he put a hand on my hip, it was because he was hinting.
” I stop talking because I realize I’m rambling.
“Sorry. I shouldn’t be talking about another guy when I’m in bed with you. ”
He chuckles. “This is called communication. Getting to know each other. If you could tell me what those fuckheads did to you, you can certainly explain why your high school boyfriend didn’t make you feel cherished.
” He pauses. “I can’t promise I’ll be a great boyfriend but you’ll always know I care.
You’ll always feel safe. Protected. And the sex will be good. That’s one promise I can make.”
“I believe you,” I say solemnly. “Especially that last part.”
“One more word of warning,” he says quietly.
“Uh oh.”
“I’ve felt possessive from the moment I laid eyes on you. I don’t think that feeling is going to go away.”
“Possessive is fine. But don’t tell me I can’t have friends. Don’t tell me I can’t work or have my own money.”
“What?” He looks startled. “No. Fuck no. That’s not what I mean at all.
Jesus. I just mean, I’m going to worry about you and protect you.
Even after we find these assholes who took you, I’m probably going to be over-the-top with in-home security, a tracker on your phone.
Not because I want to stop you from doing anything, but because I don’t.
I want you to live your life. I just want to make sure you’re safe when you do it. ”
“Assuming we’re in a serious, monogamous relationship, I don’t have any problem with you knowing where I am at all times.”
“Assuming? Honey, you just told me I was yours and I responded you were mine. That’s as serious and monogamous as it gets. And trust me, those aren’t words that have ever come out of my mouth before.”
I stare into his handsome face and I realize I’m not just falling for him—I’ve tumbled right over the edge into the abyss.