9. Chapter Nine
Chapter Nine
Axel
J esus Fucking Christ. Did you seriously just blurt that out? Blame it on the ADHD or some shit. At least take it back, and —
“Axel?”
Hugo’s gentle voice soothed me. And pulled me back.
“That’s…quite a revelation.”
Oh shit . I laughed. “I didn’t mean, like, with women. Or anything like that.”
Hugo let out a quick laugh. “Okay. Not that it matters to me either way, but I figured you making it this far, that you must’ve…” He gestured.
“Fucked?”
His brow knit. “That wasn’t what I was going to say. Just…”
“That because I’m a rock’n’roll dude that I might’ve been having lots of sex with lots of different people?”
“Uh…” He frowned. “I’m pretty sure that wasn’t what I meant.”
“Oh? What did you mean?” I should’ve cut him a break, but I was having a good time. Even relaxing after that fairly heavy revelation. At least he didn’t laugh at me .
Yet.
He cleared his throat. “Just that I was aware of several encounters in your past. If they didn’t happen, then perhaps I was misinformed—”
I swatted away his thought as if taking issue with a mosquito. “You weren’t misinformed . I had a couple of girlfriends in high school that I got to third base with and more than a few women over the past few years that I was carnally intimate with.” Don’t think about Kyesha.
And yet I did.
“Ah.” He scratched his cheek, scraping his beard in the process.
A beard I very much wanted to touch again. I remembered its softness, and that kicked my libido into gear. At a rather inopportune moment. “Look—”
“Why are you telling me this?”
“Because I figure if you have some aversion to virgins that it’s better we get that out of the way.”
He choked out a laugh. “You’re being awfully presumptuous.”
Yeah, I was. I could also remember with vivid clarity that kiss. The one that changed everything for me. And yeah, it’d been over a day ago. Maybe it should’ve faded a bit from my memory. “Look, Hugo…” I drew in a deep breath. “I performed tonight knowing you were in the audience. I felt it—” I pounded my chest. “—deep in my bones. I would’ve rocked it anyway…but knowing you were watching? That you felt that too?”
“Axel—”
“No.” I said the word sharply. “Let me get this out. If you want to walk away after this, then that’s totally fine. But I need you to know what’s in my heart.” Okay, don’t overplay your hand. You have his attention. Don’t blow it. “Tonight was my best performance ever—and I’ve had some good ones. But…knowing you were out there lit a flame in me that hasn’t died. And maybe those embers have been dormant for ten years. I don’t know. Because, rightly, we didn’t do anything ten years ago. You wouldn’t have, because I was your student, and I didn’t say anything because I was so hurt at you keeping such a huge secret from me.”
“Axel—”
“Not yet.” I drew in a lungful of air. “But I moved on. And have put a lot of miles on this body. Some good…some not so good.”
“The drinking? The drugs?”
Our battle for sobriety wasn’t a secret, so I didn’t begrudge him the interruption.
“Yes and…” I winced. “I didn’t always take as much care of the women I dated than I should have, if you know what I mean?”
“You got them pregnant? Gave them diseases? I don’t know what you’re trying to say, Axel.”
Horrified, I held up my hands. “No, none of that shit. Seriously. That’s not…” Damn, what was I trying to say? “I haven’t been a good person as often as I might’ve liked. I’ve tried to honor…”
Shit .
“Honor.” He prompted me. Even in the dark, his blue eyes shone. He was trying to understand, and I was being as absolutely as inarticulate as possible in the moment when clarity was most required.
“I’m trying to make up for mistakes of my past. And not being truthful was one of them. I didn’t care for the women. I didn’t lead them on…but I maybe wasn’t as honest as I could have been.”
“You let them think you might be seriously interested in them?” His eyebrows rose. “Is that what you’re trying to say?”
“Well…yeah, I guess so. Aside from…” Her . “Yeah, there hasn’t been anyone serious. At least on my end. And I feel like I should’ve done better. But if I had—”
“You wouldn’t be standing here with me telling me that you’re a virgin .” He used air quotes.
I laughed. “Well, yeah.”
“Are you asking me to change that circumstance? Is that what this conversation is about?” He blinked. “Because I don’t make a habit of deflowering virgins.”
That made me chuckle. “No wilting boys swooning at your feet?”
He cast me a sharp look.
I shrugged. “You know what I mean.”
“Don’t say boys . That word has implications I don’t want to contemplate. My students are firmly in the never fucking ever category.”
“I know.” Jesus you’re fucking this up badly. “I like you.”
“As I do you.”
I sighed.
He shook his head. “If you can’t come out and ask, I don’t see how we can possibly—”
“Will you give me a fucking blow job?” I whispered the words urgently. “Or, I don’t know, let me give you a blow job.” I glanced around. “Just…maybe not here?”
“Axel…you don’t know what you’re asking.”
“Sure I do. I know what a blow job is. Have received…” I stopped for a moment.
“Too much information.”
“Like, hundreds. Oh.” His words penetrated my brain just a moment too late. “Sorry.”
“Propositioning someone like this can be dangerous. You, of all people, should know that.”
“ Of all people ?”
“Yes. Like famous.”
“More like infamous.”
He slashed his hand in the air.
I stilled.
“We haven’t even discussed the kiss.” Hugo arched an eyebrow.
“You mean why you ran away? I don’t see you running right now.”
He let out a long breath of air. “I can’t get you to take this seriously, can I? Is everything a joke to you?”
“Well, if you ask Ed, the answer would be a firm yes .”
“And if I asked you?”
“Take me back to your tent, and I’ll tell you the truth.”
“Uh…” His mouth opened and closed several times as he clearly sought the right words. “What if I said I had a bunkmate?”
“Do you?”
“Well, not exactly.”
“Is there someone sharing your tent? Your bed?” Jesus, have I completely misread this situation? I’d kissed him, believing he was single. And maybe that’d been way too presumptuous of me.
“I’m single. I’ve been single since…well, pretty much since Gavin left me.”
I gaped. “That was how many years ago?” I knew, but I needed it confirmed.
“Ten years.” His tone had a warning edge to it. “Which you know. I’ll repeat, you weren’t the reason my marriage disintegrated.” He sighed. “But my students were the catalyst. Gavin’s accusations nearly broke me, and I had to get out.”
“Douchebag.”
“Yeah, you can say that again.”
“Douchebag.”
He sighed. “I get it. Point made. I’ve had a few, uh, encounters—”
I snorted.
“Right. You’re the guy who doesn’t take anything seriously.”
“I do. I apologize. You haven’t been with many people in the last ten years. So you’re alone in your tent. Or at least you’re not sharing a sleeping bag.”
He let out a breath. “Yes.”
“Okay…so why are we not in your tent exchanging blow jobs?”
“God, Axel.”
For the first time, I advanced on him, coming up to him so our chests nearly touched. “I know what I want. You know what you want. You don’t have company. I want to be your company. Let’s just do it. That’s the slogan, right?”
“Something like.” He cleared his throat. “My friends are in a tent less than two feet away.”
I laughed. “ That’s what you’re worried about? I can be as silent as…” I floundered.
“A church mouse?” He supplied that with a remarkably dry tone.
“Well, sure. I have to say I’ve never thought of church mice. Are they quieter than normal mice? Do they get sacramental wine with their cheese?”
He gazed up at me. I read exasperation and amusement. He really wanted to be annoyed with me…but I also made him smile—something he clearly didn’t expect.
In that moment of indecision, I made my move. Whether he saw it coming or not, I wasn’t certain, but when I grasped his cheeks and lowered my head, he didn’t resist. I would’ve stopped, of course. If he’d given me any indication he wanted me not to press my lips to his. To nibble his lower lip. To thrust my tongue inside his mouth when he opened. When he wrapped his arms around my neck and pulled himself flush against me, I tasted victory.
“Whoa…uh, shit.” A woman’s voice pulled us from the kiss.
Hugo turned toward the voice while indelicately shoving me behind him. “So sorry, ladies, we were just leaving. You have a nice evening.” He snagged my arm and dragged me farther into the darkness.
At least three distinct giggles followed us as we ducked behind another truck.
“Hugo—”
“That was way too close. You need to be more careful.”
“ Hugo—”
“We need to get you back to my tent. Do you need to go to the bathroom? I did just before I saw you, and—”
“Hugo.”
“What?” He might’ve snapped that.
“Just lead me to your humble abode.”
He met my gaze. “Yeah. I can do that.”