26. Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Six
Hugo
“ A dvance copy—this will be released in three weeks.” Ed Markham stared at me.
Slowly, I took the CD from his hand. “Do you mind meeting up like this?”
He snickered. “This time I’m not going behind his back. He gave this to me. And told me to tell you—”
“Advance copy and it’ll be released in three weeks.” I scratched my beard. “Why is he giving me notice? I thought…” I swallowed. “The article made it damn clear we were nothing to each other.”
Ed glanced around the A&W on Hastings Street where we were meeting. The place was deserted in the middle of the day. I was on my lunch break, and Ed was…
Huh.
I didn’t know what Ed was. What he was sacrificing to come here. What he might otherwise be doing.
He tapped the CD case. “My personal email is in there. If you have any other files to send me, you can use that. If it’s too big to send, use a drop-box.” He shrugged. “Or we can meet again. It just…”
“Feels weird?” This was the first time I’d seen him…well, talked to him…in ten years. The launch party certainly hadn’t counted. All the times I’d watched Grindstone perform hadn’t either. I glanced at my watch. “I have a couple of minutes. How are you?”
After a moment, he offered a rueful smile. “Happy as all fuck because I’m in love and feeling guilty as all fuck because I’m in love.”
“Ah.” I let those words sink in. “I’m really happy for you. And, I don’t know, proud that you were finally in a place where you felt you could come out. That’s a big deal—for a lot of people.”
“Seems weird to people that Axel and I have been best friends for almost twenty-five years and yet I didn’t know he was bi.”
“But he knew you were.”
“Right.” He tapped the table. “So it’s not like I would’ve judged. I could’ve been supportive. He’s hidden that part of him away for so long that I…I feel like he doesn’t know what to do about it.”
“What do you mean?” Do you really want to open this can of worms? Yep. I do. If only to torture myself.
“I mean that he’s still walled himself off. Since Kyesha, he’s never saw any woman more than a few times—no matter how smart, attractive, or attentive she’d been. Now, of course, I wonder if that was because he would’ve preferred being in the company of a guy.”
“And right now?”
Ed narrowed his eyes. “He’s not dating or fucking around, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“I’m not.” Fucking liar. “I just…did I mess things up for him?”
He pushed out a laugh. “Uh, he kissed you. Unless I read the video wrong—”
“You didn’t.” Heat rose to my cheeks.
“And he released the video.”
“Okay, that’s true.”
“Which was a super shitty thing to do. You never out someone. Ever. He knows better. Just…”
“I hurt him.”
“Yeah.”
“And you want to know why.”
“I’d like to know how.” He held up his hand. “But it’s none of my business and I’m so not getting into the middle of this. Between the two of you. Y’all need to sort out your own shit.” He looked me over. “Because something tells me you’re not handling this any better than he is.”
Not looking at myself took some effort. The day was hot, sticky, and gross for this early in May. Despite the laboring air conditioning, I wasn’t much better. “I’m surviving, Ed. This just…wasn’t where I thought I’d wind up.”
“Being outed on the internet by a former student.”
“Sure.”
“Falling in love with that former student…?”
I blinked, winced, and ducked my head. “Sure.” I sighed, then—after what felt like a monumental effort, met his gaze. “I can’t be in love with Axel—”
“Why the fuck not?” Ed made the demand just as a woman with four kids came into the restaurant.
The chatter from the children was indistinguishable, but clearly none were happy. In this weather? I didn’t blame them. Just thinking about heading back out to my SUV filled me with dread. Let alone going back to my classroom with no air conditioning.
“You mean aside from the optics of him being my former student?” I winced yet again. “Well, the fact we’ve barely spent any time together as adults.” Again with the fucking heated cheeks.
“He won’t tell me what happened in Black Rock.”
Which made me feel very guilty for having told Renee and Copeland. Oh, and Justin, my new therapist. I’d ventured out to Mission City twice more. He’d offered to give me sessions over the phone—now I’d opened up more. Yet, despite being expensive and time-consuming to drive that far out of the city, I chose to make the trek. I knew I wouldn’t be as honest if I wasn’t looking at him—or if I was looking at him through a computer screen. Truthfully, he needed to see my body language. To know if I was lying to him. I tried not to…but I wasn’t telling him the entire truth either.
“Mr. Threadgold?”
I blinked. “It’s fine to call me Hugo. If you want.”
“Hugo.” He said the name as if trying it out. “Okay, well, I’m sure you need—”
“Did I screw him up? By…doing what we did?”
Ed sighed. “I’m working off the assumption you did more than kiss.”
Damn cheeks. Must be as red as Rudolph’s nose.
“Yeah, that’s what I figured. So I’m not going to try to guess because more than kissing leaves a lot of wiggle room, but Songbird said Axel came back around dawn. She heard him—none of the rest of us did. Now I understand why he snuck out.”
“We, uh, went back to my tent and, uh, made out.”
He cocked his head. “Okay, TMI, but that helps. So yeah, Axel might date a lot, and he might not always select the best bed partners—”
Wince.
“—but he takes care of himself. And his partners. He’s not cruel. Which is why his behavior to you is so aberrant.”
“He misunderstood something.”
Ed arched an eyebrow.
I blew out a breath, counted to ten, and contemplated my next move. “My principal wants you and Axel to come back to the school and to do a charity rock concert. He sees dollar signs.” I sighed. “He always sees dollar signs.”
“That’s it? A concert?”
“Yeah.” I rubbed my forehead. “The guy called me before dawn, demanding to know if I’d spoken to Axel yet. I might’ve been angry and said some stupid things. But I didn’t mean them and, out of context, they sounded really bad.”
“You’ve tried to apologize, of course.”
“Yes.” I tapped the table. “At the time, of course. And I hoped the CD I gave him—”
“At the premiere.”
“—at the premiere…would be a gesture of sorts.” Go for broke. “He wrote some songs, back when you both were my students.”
Ed cocked his head.
“And they were damn good songs. Perhaps a little juvenile, but that’s what high school is.” I blew out yet another breath. “My students recorded them, and I was trying to give the CD to Axel.”
“He did take it, right?”
“Yeah.”
“He hasn’t let me listen to it.”
“He claims he’s embarrassed by them.” I scratched the top of my right hand with my left. “The thing is…I think he should put them out there. Whether he lets my students sing them or he does it himself, I think they’re worth being published.”
“Many artists never publish their first few attempts. Plenty of paintings, sculptures, musical scores, and manuscripts are sitting in the back of peoples’ closets for a reason, Hugo.”
I held his gaze as he said my name. Then sighed. “You’re right. But…to see where he is now and where he came from—where you both came from. That’s remarkable, Ed. Surely you see that.”
He narrowed his eyes. “I do. But I don’t see what good could come of old songs getting out in the world.”
“If I send you the songs, will you listen to them? They’re rough cuts, of course, and I would never publish them without permission.”
“Glad to hear it.” He scoffed. “Copyright’s a thing.”
“I know.”
“AI generated fakes are bad enough. We’re constantly worried someone’s going to try to take our sound.”
“That’s a legitimate concern these days.”
“It’s why Pauletta has a lawyer on retainer.”
Slowly, I nodded. “I’m glad she’s taking care of you.”
He chuckled. “Someone has to herd the musician cats. She’d love if we were all obedient dogs.”
“Ah, yes.”
He eyed me. “What?”
“What, what?”
He pointed. “You’re thinking of something.”
I snickered. “Ed, my mind never turns off, you must know that.” I was forever bringing new ideas to the classroom.
“Axel’s the one with ADHD. Now—”
“There’s a therapy dog at the ranch where I’m going for counseling.”
He sat up straighter.
“Yeah, I admit to needing help to sort through this mess. Between my principal, the misunderstanding with Axel, and my lack of truly dealing with the terrible marriage I’d been in…” I scratched my cheek. “Frankly, I needed help. Still need help,” I was quick to add. “But I’m making progress. Maybe one day I’ll forgive myself.” I clutched the CD in my hand. “Three weeks?”
“Yeah. Pauletta knows about this one as well. The last one was more official. This one…” He tilted his head. “Straight acoustic. Just him and a guitar. He’s going to release it straight to the internet.”
“Why tell me? Why not just release it?”
“It’s going to coincide with our official announcement that we’re going to Rocktoberfest this year.”
“Oh, wow, that’s amazing.”
“And under wraps for another little bit. Swirling rumors make Pauletta happy—if they’re good ones—because it means we’re getting traction. We’re making a name for ourselves. Increasing our fan base. That’s a win in her books.”
“Well, I won’t say anything about Black Rock.” I checked my phone. “Shit, I have to get back to school.”
He held out his hand.
We shook.
I rose from the booth and headed out the door into the furnace-like heat.
Exercising self-control I barely knew I had, I waited until I was home from school that night. I planted myself in my living room, in front of a portable a/c unit. I slid the CD into an external player hooked up to my laptop and played the song.
Axel’s haunting voice filled both the room and my heart. Tears pricked my eyes as I listened to a song about shattered dreams. About longing. About endless pain.
I played it over and over again.
Eventually, I wept.
Much later, I slept.