16 Ivy
Ivy
I’d had a lot of time to do nothing but sit around and wait. That usually led to thinking too much. Which didn’t do a damn bit of good because all thinking would do was lead to confusion.
I’d heard the club had been put on lockdown, but I wasn’t sure why.
I also had to pretend like I didn’t know this information, which made things pretty normal, actually.
Whatever was going on, I knew I’d be doing some more waiting.
Honestly, I didn’t mind. It gave me a chance to hide out here and spend time with Grip… you know, when he’d show up.
I hadn’t seen Viking in two whole days, not since the night he had club stuff to do and took off.
All Grip had said was that Vike was doing some stuff for the club, and he told me that I didn’t need to worry about him.
His tone was a little short when he said it, leaving me to think he was irritated at me for asking.
So I didn’t ask about Viking again after that, but that didn’t mean my mind had stopped wondering about him. I hoped he was alright.
The fact that I was so twisted up about what was going on with Viking was not something I’d planned on. I wasn’t dumb enough to think this was all going according to plan. Shit was slipping, and I’d developed feelings, and those feelings were growing, whether I wanted them to or not.
It wasn’t just feelings for Viking. Somehow, I’d become attached to the asshole Grip, too. Ugh, I didn’t get it. He was so cocky and smug. And… full of himself.
But he was also… well, sweet and thoughtful weren’t the right words, but there was a heart in there somewhere and it wasn’t all black.
It was the way he cared about Viking. The way he looked out for him.
It was like nothing I’d ever seen before.
Sure, Muff looked out for me in a similar way, but I couldn’t see him doing the same with another brother, not in the exact way he did with me.
Muff and I, we had a deeper kind of friendship.
We’d always have each other’s backs. Hell, I’d die for him…
and, fuck, I knew he’d die for me too because I was pretty sure he had.
Dammit! Now was not the time to be thinking about Muff. It was all I could do to hold the tears back.
“Hey,” Grip said, looking at me with a furrowed brow. “You okay?”
I swallowed thickly, and when I went to open my mouth to tell him I was fine, my jaw locked tight.
It was like I couldn’t lie to him. Which wasn’t fucking good at all.
Yeah, this whole plan was unraveling quickly, and I was in some serious trouble.
“What’s up?” he asked when I didn’t say anything.
“You ever just get sad sometimes?” I finally choked out. His furrowed brow managed to furrow deeper, which I didn’t think was possible.
“No,” he said, making it clear he thought I was crazy with that single word. “Why would…” He shook his head. “That sounds dumb.”
“Yeah,” I agreed, looking back at the TV. “It is.”
“Shit,” he hissed under his breath. Cutting my eyes to the side, I gave him a quick glance. He looked utterly horrified now. “Is this, like, a woman thing? You got your lady time?”
I snorted and shook my head.
“Because if it is, I can get one of the club girls. I ain’t good at this shit, but they’ll know what to do.”
“Not my period,” I told him, rolling my eyes. Though I had to admit it was sweet of him not to run away screaming at the thought of me having my “lady time.” And even sweeter of him to want to get help in his own way.
“Okay. Good.” He paused. “Well, not good, but like, okay. If you need—”
“I don’t,” I assured him, trying to end the conversation as quickly as possible because he was uncomfortable, and it was making me uncomfortable.
And it was so unnecessary right now. But in about two weeks…
ugh, no. I didn’t want to think about what Grip would actually be like when that time rolled around.
Maybe if I could keep the crying nonexistent and not complain about my tender boobs, he wouldn’t even know I was bleeding between my legs.
“There’s just a lot going on, and it got to me for a minute. I’m over it now.”
He didn’t say anything, and I kept my eyes glued to the movie he’d picked out, even though I wasn’t really paying attention to it anymore. But then he shifted closer, pressing his shoulder against mine, and I… fuck, I was about to cry again.
“I imagine it’s a lot for someone like you,” he said softly after a couple of minutes.
Someone like me? Oh right, because he thinks I’m some innocent civilian who doesn’t have a clue what she’s been thrown into.
I didn’t think I could hate myself more than I did in that moment. For someone who claimed to care about Grip, even a small amount, what I was doing to him certainly didn’t show it. I was lying to him. Keeping things from him. Letting him think I was someone I wasn’t.
Did it really matter that it was to save my life? It hardly seemed worth the price now.
And Vike… what would he think once he found out the truth? Would he hate me? Yeah, I imagined he would.
“I’m tired,” I said as I slid down on the bed and rolled over, giving Grip my back. I felt like such a bitch, but I was close to cracking, and I couldn’t do that yet.
This wasn’t about feelings. It was about survival.
“Ah, okay,” Grip said, sounding confused about what to do.
A few long minutes later, he shut off the TV and got comfy in the bed behind me. Even with the inches of space between us, I felt the heat radiating off him. It was strange sleeping beside him, even if this was starting to become the norm.
Honestly, I had no clue why he was here.
It was his bed, and I got that, but… why was he here?! Seriously?
I wasn’t trying to push him off into another woman’s arms or bed or whatever.
I really wasn’t. It just felt very strange to me that Vike had been absent and Grip had become stuck to me like glue.
We’d spent too much time together the last few nights.
I didn’t know what to do with it. I was glad he hadn’t tried talking to me.
Tonight, it had gotten a little too close.
He’s not supposed to ask about personal things like my damn period.
He isn’t supposed to care enough about my comfort to want to run off and get help, even if his first go-to was a club girl.
I knew he was doing his best, and he didn’t exactly have a lot of outside women he could ask, or so I assumed.
“Ivy,” he said after what felt like an eternity. I’d thought he’d fallen asleep. Maybe that had been too hopeful.
“Yeah?” I said, voice shaky.
“What is it you want?”
I let his question hang in the air a long time, contemplating how I should answer. How real did I want to get? How much should I really let him in?
The heat against my back intensified as he rolled closer to me. I wasn’t sure I could breathe with the anticipation of his touch hanging in the air.
“You aren’t going back there, are you?” he pressed.
“I don’t think I can,” I answered.
Home would never be home again. Muffle was gone. My only family was gone, because my dad certainly wasn’t someone I could call family. There was nothing there for me to return to.
“No,” I said, voice broken. I’d never felt so alone as I did then.
Sure, it had been hanging there in the outskirts of my mind, but I hadn’t let it in yet.
I’d been too busy trying to push the pain away.
To push the reality of my future away. All of it just so I could survive.
“When I first left…” I paused and swallowed hard.
“Ran. When I first ran, the only thing on my mind was getting distance. I never thought what I would do once I got it. And now…”
I willed myself not to cry.
“Now what, Ivy? What is it?” I wouldn’t call his tone sweet, exactly, but there was a slight tenderness to it. Like he was not only curious about my answer, but he also cared to know what it was.
The tears burned my eyes. Yeah, I was the biggest bitch ever.
“Now I just want a new start. I want to find my happiness.”
“What about your mom?” he asked, jarring me. Right, my mother. The one I made up.
“She made her bed,” I said, a bit too coldly. Maybe I was talking more about my real mother than the made-up one, but that wasn’t something I was going to let in. I was already so close to cracking. “She didn’t try to protect me from him, so why should I worry about what happens to her anymore?”
She left me with that monster, walked away before I even knew her face. But that wasn’t a truth I could share with him.
“Having to grow up fast sucks,” he said, surprising me. He just handed me a piece of his soul, and I didn’t deserve it. “Never feeling safe in the one place that’s supposed to be safe is no way for a child to grow up.”
Well, damn. My dad had been a shitty man, but I didn’t know any different.
My eyes didn’t really open until all this shit started happening.
I kind of wished Muff had opened my eyes earlier, but then again, I wasn’t sure what I would have done with it.
I had been stuck. I knew a life that was outside what was normal.
I didn’t give a fuck about rules and the law.
I didn’t know how to live the life of a decent citizen.
Kind of another thing I didn’t really see because that was what I’d grown up in.
“Anyway,” he said, voice rough. “We’ll figure something out soon. Goodnight.”
The room went silent. He was asleep not long after. His deep breathing gave him away.
I couldn’t sleep. My mind spun. My thoughts bounced between these men who I hadn’t expected when I first walked into the clubhouse, and how horrible a person I was.
There was something developing. Maybe it was slowly creeping in, or maybe it was about to hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn’t tell. But I knew I felt it. Felt the way I’d become anchored to them. I couldn’t even begin to explain it.
The last few days, Grip started to make me feel that it wasn’t simply about sex. He hadn’t even touched me since Viking had been absent. But he was there with me every night and checking on me constantly during the day.
Viking had shown me his raw side. He’d unleashed and I’d liked it. It was intense, and I’d be stupid to say there hadn’t been a deeper feeling despite the fact he was twisted up over something.
Things were shifting, changing. And it felt like it was all working in my favor. I just had to work a little harder to get them where I wanted.
But I also couldn’t lose myself in the process.
And that was something I had stared to worry about.