Chapter 39 Dare
THIRTY-NINE
DARE
Iglanced at my rearview mirror and bit my bottom lip, yet for the first time in a very long time, I didn't see the hurt in my eyes.
If I was honest with myself, I had been seeing it change little by little since Zach came into my life and shook it to the core. If I was completely honest, most days I looked at my reflection, and I couldn't believe my life could contain this much joy.
Who would have thought I could have so much love and happiness without fear, or shame.
The first time Zach held my hand in public it was as if I'd gone back to adolescence when I was first discovering my identity and couldn't make heads nor tails of it.
I went back to all the times I'd wanted to hold Wyatt's hand out in a restaurant or out on a stroll, even in a place where no one knew us.
It felt alien. Unfamiliar and yet so liberating at the same time.
Zach had managed to change my life in such a short amount of time of being with me, of living together, of being a couple, it was hard to believe it had only been a month since we moved in together.
It felt like a lifetime ago. Like a different me.
A different life. And yet it wasn't enough.
I wanted more. I wanted a real lifetime with him.
I didn't feel like I could have one, though, until I did this.
I glanced outside my window at the dimly lit bar that caught the stray sunshine as it rose from the water behind me and took a deep breath.
Snow crunched under my boot as I walked up to the sheltered patio and pressed the back of my fingers against the front door. I knocked.
I turned to look out into the ocean, so calm and placid despite the grayed sky and the rooftops covered in white everywhere the eye could reach.
There was no one around. It felt, for a moment, as if I was back in the desert, back in the field where silence was good and any sign of life was trouble in the making.
As the door behind me opened, I reminded myself this was no war zone, even if it felt like one sometimes.
"Dare!" Wyatt said, sleep in his eyes.
He winced when the muted sun met his gaze and shaded his face with his hand. I choked down a laugh. He was always a grump in the morning. Some things never changed.
"Hey," I said.
"What are you doing here? Did something happen?"
I shook my head.
"Did I wake you?"
He rubbed one eye and groaned.
"No. I was cleaning. What...what's up? Do you need something?"
I pointed inside and asked for permission. Wyatt let me into his bar and locked up while I grabbed a seat at the bar.
"Are you drinking in the morning now?" he asked and stepped behind the bar to glare at me.
I huffed.
"I'm not here to drink, Wyatt," I said.
"So...no coffee?" He raised the coffee pot that had been sitting on the counter and cocked his head.
"That I'll have." Wyatt started pouring me a cup. "Unless it's poisoned," I added with a smirk.
Wyatt groaned.
"Relax. I didn't know you were coming."
"Probably for the best," I said.
He set the coffee mug on the bar in front of me and put his hands on his hips, staring at me.
"Right," I said after a sip. "I...I wanted to talk to you. To say some things."
At that, Wyatt rolled his eyes with a huff and turned his back on me.
"If you're here to rehash old history, I don’t want to hear it. You could have picked a better day than the day after Christmas."
I bit the inside of my cheek before I reverted back to old habits and focused on the task at hand.
"I'm not here to rehash our history. At least that's not all I'm here to do."
Wyatt craned his neck to look back at me and raised his eyebrow.
"You really hurt me, Wyatt. I know it's not easy for you—even if I can't understand why—but I know it's not easy for you.
Being what we are. Feeling like you have to hide.
But still, you hurt me. I thought you were ready and I felt like you led me on.
You let me make decisions, and plan a future only for you to drop me like a lead balloon. "
Wyatt leaned into the bar and shook his head.
"I didn't drop you. You dropped us. You told me to leave and never come back."
I looked into his icy eyes and breathed in. They used to mean the world to me once upon a time.
"I didn't drop you. You ditched me. You backtracked and went back to work for another contract. I was making a home for us, and you couldn't even gather up the courage to come see it for fear of your secret coming out."
Wyatt opened his mouth in what appeared to be a growl but after a moment of inaction only a huff came out.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I thought I was ready. I really did. But then reality sunk in and...I couldn't do it. Why did you have to pick Mayberry? It’s my hometown. It was weird. I didn't think I could come back and be who you wanted me to be. Not in the place where I grew up."
I took another sip of coffee and sighed.
"Let's not pretend if it were any other place, you'd have come home to me."
Wyatt's gaze dropped and so did his shoulders.
"Yeah. I guess you got me there."
I wanted to reach out to him. To make all his problems and his fears go away. But he wasn't my person anymore. Not in that way. But still, I knew this man inside out. He may have hurt me, but I still didn't want him in pain.
"Anyway, I told you I'm not here to rehash things and look at what we're doing."
"What are you here for then?"
I looked him in the eyes when I said, "I forgive you."
He didn't react.
"Did you hear me, Wyatt? I said I forgive you. I'm not saying you didn't hurt me and that I didn't hate you for a long time, but..."
"But?" he whispered.
"Being with Zach has taught me a lot. About myself. About relationships. About love. Acceptance. Do you know the first time he tried to hold my hand in public, I flinched as if I was afraid?"
He shook his head.
"It made me realize coming out isn’t linear. It's not a straightforward process. Which, I knew, if I'm honest. I've always known it. It was just hard to accept and understand when it came to you. To us. Because I was selfish and I needed you to meet me where I was at."
Wyatt didn't say anything.
"It's been a huge lesson this past month. Being open. Moving on. Feeling like I can trust again. But I've also...I don't know. I guess somewhere along the way I stopped hating you. No. Let me correct that. I haven't hated you for a long time."
Wyatt huffed at that.
"I was angry at you, sure. I showed you that every time we interacted, but can you blame me?
You told me you can't settle down or leave the Navy and all, then you come back here anyway?
After you dumped me. It hurt. It really, really hurt.
So I was angry. I still didn't hate you.
I thought I did, but the truth is I still love you. "
"You...you do?" Wyatt gasped.
"Of course, idiot. We were together for the better part of my life.
You're more than just a partner. You're...family.
And I was holding a grudge—being angry—at my family.
Because I knew—know—you can have a better life.
A happier life. And you let your own head get in the way of that.
I'm in love with Zach, but I'll never unlove you. "
"Dare, I don't know what—"
"You don't have to say anything. I just wanted you to know I forgive you. And I'm sorry too, if I pressured you or disrespected your journey in any way."
"You don't have to apologize," he said.
"Of course I do. And there’s something else," I said.
"I want this...feeling," I pointed to my chest, where all the turmoil I felt lived, "to stop.
I want to find peace. And I have, don't get me wrong.
Zach is...he's great for me. But I'd love it if we could be.
..friends, or something. I know it might be hard considering our history, but—"
"I'd love that." Wyatt's forehead creased and there were tears in his eyes as he looked at me, vulnerable and broken.
"Friends," I gave him my hand and when he took it, I corrected. "Family. Well, dysfunctional family maybe, but—"
"Still family," he agreed and squeezed my hand.
It wasn't good enough. I walked around the bar and gave him a hug, too. It seemed like he needed it. And unless something changed drastically in his life, he'd need a lot more of them.
"I better go. I promised Zach I wouldn't be long."
"Does he know? About me—us?"
I took a deep breath before I answered.
"He figured it out. I didn't tell him. Your jealous ex-boyfriend act at my house when I was sick was kind of a dead giveaway."
Wyatt grimaced.
"Sorry about that."
I chuckled.
"You don't have to. It's fine. He won't say anything either. We'll respect your secret."
He thanked me again and walked me to the door. I waved goodbye to him and went back home. Back to the man of my life. They said there was a reason for everything. It was hard to believe that before I met him, but now I could buy it.
It felt like maybe what I went through with Wyatt wasn't for nothing. It was to show me that when Zach came into my life that he was the right person for me so that I didn't do anything stupid and let him go.
No chance of that happening.
"Hey," he said when I walked in, baking tray at hand. "Are you ready to tell me what you were doing out there so early?"
I nodded and walked up to him, wrapped my arms around his waist and planted a kiss on his neck before I told him what I'd done.
"Oh wow," he said when I finished. "I didn't realize you'd already gotten there emotionally."
I shrugged.
"It was long overdue. Being with you helped me realize it faster."
He smiled and the brightness of it lit up every inch of my body and soul.
"I'm so glad you've let go of the past."
"Now," I said and held on to him for dear life, "we can build our future. One day at a time."
"I'd like that," he replied and I kissed him.
I kissed him so hard my lips ached.
"Come on. Help me with these cinnamon buns," he said after a while and I did. We spent the morning baking, the afternoon making love, and the evening watching movies. Like people ought to do on a holiday.
At some point as we were about to put another movie on, there was a knock on the door and I watched as Zach walked casually to answer, no hint of distress on his face or posture.
“Parker! Merry Christmas,” he said before I could see who was at the door and our friend walked inside.
“I hope I’m not interrupting.” He turned a pink envelope in his hands before he offered it to Zach with a semblance of a smile. “I just wanted to drop this off.”
I narrowed my eyes as Zach opened it.
“What? No way!” he exclaimed and passed me the envelope.
Once his hands were clear he threw them around Parker.
“Congratulations, guys,” he said.
I caught up with what they were discussing by reading the card inside the envelope.
Hwan Kim and Parker Hawkins request the honor of your presence on their special day.
“What? No way. You’re getting married?” I jumped off the couch and embraced Parker. “I know you just got engaged but I didn’t expect you to get married so soon.”
Parker pursed his lips to the side.
“I know. Neither did we, but with Levi and everything we didn’t see a point in delaying it any further.”
Parker smiled and I couldn’t help but copy him. It was such a rare occurrence with him, but it was how I knew he was genuinely happy and excited about this.
Levi had been placed with them earlier this month. That little boy had been through more trauma in his five years in this world than others went through in a lifetime.
“That’s amazing. We’ll be there.” Zach beamed.
We hugged the tall, buff man one more time before he went on his way to deliver more invitations before it got too late.
“Can you believe it?” Zach said when we sat down to watch our movie and I brought him in closer to me.
“I can’t. And I’m not going to lie. I’m slightly jealous.”
Zach glanced up at me and smirked.
“Yeah, me too. But all in due time, baby. All in due time.”
I pecked him on the lips and turned my attention to the TV trying to put weddings, kids and happily-ever-after’s out of my head. Though it was impossible when my happily-ever-after was right in my arms.
Somehow, I managed to do it. The movie helped. As did the next one and the one after that.
It was during the fourth movie—long after midnight—that my phone rang and we both stared at it cautiously.
A call that late was never a good thing.
Goosebumps crawled all along the back of my neck as I answered Slade's call.
"Dare," he said in a deep, husky voice that sounded like trouble.
"What happened?" I asked. "Is everything okay?"
We had been waiting for Salieri to strike since his inaugural speech, when he'd revealed himself, but it had been eerily quiet.
I knew it wasn't going to last long.
"It's Wyatt," Slade answered. No fluff, no sugar-coating.
I stopped in my tracks and looked at Zach.
"What's wrong with Wyatt?"
"He's been arrested, Dare. For murder."