Chapter 23 #2
Lessa spins to K8, only then noticing her presence. “Hello, K8, my lovely girl! Of course not. That would be absurd. I’m only suggesting with how fast trends change, more physicians should perform the procedure.” Lessa leans forward, staring at James. “What on earth happened to his face?”
“Appears to be a nice bruise. Did K8 give you that?” Jett asks.
Beside her, James chuckles. “I entered a contest in Y Quadrant. I used to box. You’re welcome to join us.
” He nods to Oro1, who K8 plans to have a stern conversation with later.
James leans back, sliding an arm around the back of K8’s chair like Jett did with Lessa the day she told them James was real. Ridiculous man.
“No more fighting, James. We agreed it isn’t worth the funds.”
“Sounds like you better do as she tells you,” Oro1 says, inclining his head toward her.
She considers bringing up what a bad influence he is on James right now, but Lessa clears their throat, redirecting the conversation.
“Now that everyone is gathered . . .” They clap their hands excitedly, bouncing in their seat.
K8 can’t fathom what news Lessa has to share.
She’s drawn forward with anxious curiosity.
A slim man in a dark jumpsuit comes to stand beside her. “Have you had a chance to review the menu?”
K8’s first instinct is to snap at him to go away so she can hear Lessa’s news. James must be rubbing off on her. Taking a deep breath, she places her order, then James’s. “He’ll have the REAL Steak, enviro-greens, and the roasted vegetable medley, and we’ll both take a Spiral Apple.”
“Actually,” he cuts in. “I was thinking I’d have this Whisky Twist.”
Since the server likely doesn’t know James is supposed to be a manupartner, she lets his interjection slide.
“Excellent choice, sir,” the server says. The rest of the group rattles off their orders.
When the man finally leaves, K8 leans forward. “So! What is it? Don’t tell me you finally got that promotion you put in for.”
“Even better,” Lessa says.
Beneath the table, James moves his leg so it is pressed against K8’s vibrating knee, putting pressure until she stills. She doesn’t push it away because it feels nice helpful.
“The suspense is killing us, Les,” Oro1 says, glancing pointedly at K8.
Lessa’s chartreuse eyes are bright, bursting with joy as they say, “I won the lottery!”
K8 chokes on her sip of water. “The what?”
“The lottery! The Birthing Agency identified me as a candidate. I’m going to be a parent!” Across the table, Lessa beams.
K8 feels herself blanch, but forces a brilliant smile. She opens her mouth. Words get stuck in her throat. The lottery has always been her dream. Lessa never mentioned wanting to win the opportunity to have a child.
Thankfully, the others’ exuberance is enough to distract Lessa momentarily. But when their chartreuse eyes land on her, expecting a response, she’s still inert.
She’s trembling when James, somehow knowing exactly what to do, pulls her into an embrace.
Relief floods through her as her panic, which is sure to be staining her features, is concealed by the safety of his chest. She soaks in his warmth and the momentary reprieve.
But as her jealously spirals, tears prick in her eyes.
It was supposed to be me. I was supposed to win it.
The sob that shakes her shoulders is followed by another until she’s freely crying into James’s chest. She’s a terrible friend. Truly awful, but she can’t help the overwhelming emotions raging through her.
James holds her close as he says, “Lessa, we’re so excited for you. Look at sweet K8. She’s so excited, she’s a mess.”
The conversation buzzes in her periphery like flies swarming a dying animal.
“That’s our K8. She always feels everything so deeply. It’s touching.” K8 is grateful that Lessa seems to take her outburst as a positive sign. At least this is one time having FRIENDS that lack emotional intelligence is a benefit.
Slowly, her tears dry up. Her breathing evens out, yet her mind continues to spin. The odds of getting selected are staggeringly low. And if they selected Lessa, what are the odds of someone in the same FRIENDS group getting selected too? They must be even less likely now.
But she has James now. Wasn’t that the goal? Well, she doesn’t actually have him either. Maybe one day. K8 clenches her jaw. Her teeth grind together as she wills herself to calm down. Maybe James isn’t the only awful person sitting at the table. Maybe they’re suited after all.
Jett is saying, “You’ll make an excellent parent, Les. What a lucky baby!”
“I know, right?! I feel so lucky,” Lessa says. “I’ve already picked a suitable contact-free donor. His IQ rated off the charts. He’s got the most shocking natural yellow eyes. And the good news is he wants nothing to do with me or the baby!”
It’s as if Lessa has unwittingly plunged the knife into K8’s chest and twisted. The sensation steals her breath. “Breathe,” James whispers as he strokes her hair. She does as he says and slowly, her panic eases.
Resolved to be a better friend in this special moment, she pushes at James’s chest so he’ll release her. She can wallow about it later. Finally, she faces Lessa, plastering an unshakable smile on her face. “That’s so great. I can’t believe it. I’m so, so very happy for you.”
Lessa beams, placing their hands over their heart. “I can see that. It means so much to me.”
K8 only feels a little guilty as she nods. Then she has a thought that might be all the consolation she gets. She sucks in a sharp breath and exclaims, “Does this mean I’m going to be an auntie?!”
Once she and James are safely back in her unit, she asks, “How did you like the REAL Steak?”
“It was fine.” He follows her as she quickly makes her way to her bedroom.
As if he can sense her feeble control over her emotions, he catches up to her, taking hold of her elbow before she can secure her retreat.
A cheery yellow light undulates in the room, and all she wants to do is escape to the darkness beneath her blankets.
Or change it to a moonless night scene that is as black as her mood.
She tugs at her elbow, trying to get him to release her, but he holds firm. “K8, sweetheart, what’s wrong?”
“What about the enviro-greens? Did you like them?” she asks, though she senses he’ll keep pressing until she gives him some sort of explanation for her odd behavior.
Crying in public? A fate worse than age spots!
Yet, what would she do if she looked in the mirror one morning and noticed a dark brown blob on her flawless cheek?
She shivers. Perhaps her public display of misery wasn’t so bad.
“They were fine. K8, what happened at the restaurant?” James guides her into the room, gesturing for her to sit on the foot of her bed. He sits beside her, and she can feel the weight of his attention as she stares resolutely at the blank wall in front of her. “You’re upset. Talk to me.”
“How do you know I’m upset?” she asks, even as tears well in her eyes.
His fingertips slowly guide her chin so she is facing him.
He’s so gentle it surprises her. She only saw this side of him the day he confessed that he was afraid he’d accidentally “real flirt” with her, a fear he’s apparently recovered from—confusing man.
“Do you think I haven’t been paying attention?
I see you trying to keep a brave face even though you feel you’re missing out on something.
But, K8, at the restaurant, I saw your brave face slip, and holding you was all I could think to do. ”
K8 shakes her head as he releases her. For such a selfish man, how is he so perceptive?
Probably a business technique from his time, though she can’t picture the man before her hugging it out with the competition.
“I don’t know. It was so shocking. Since every NHOS citizen is in the lottery, the odds of getting selected are slim.
Many people never get a chance to have a child.
And . . .” She considers how much of a confession is necessary.
Considers what he’ll think of her. How what she really feels about Lessa’s boon might change James’s opinion of her.
Then she almost laughs. This is James. If anyone will understand her selfish motivations, it will be him. “I felt jealous.”
His eyes widen, but she can’t see any judgment in them, so she goes on. “Lessa never mentioned wanting to give birth or have a child. That was always my wish.”
James’s eyes are wider now. “You want a baby?”
K8 can’t suppress an eye roll. “No, not a baby, exactly. I only thought . . .”
Zorg, if she tells him why, he’ll think she’s even more pathetic than he did before.
“You thought what?” he urges.
She releases a forceful breath. Oh, who cares?
It’s not like it matters. Not like there’s anything between them to preserve.
“I thought if I were to win the lotto, then I could select a partner to procreate with. Some people choose to select from the DNA database and get inseminated, like Lessa. But candidates can also select from a catalogue of applicants who also wish to procreate and be a part of the child’s life. ”
James nods, seeming to understand where this is leading, but he doesn’t speak. He’s giving her space to work out her thoughts, which is nice, she supposes. That and the gentle circles he’s rubbing on her arm lessen the sting of how vulnerable she feels.
“I thought if I could interview candidates, I might be able to select someone who might be open to a relationship. That through having a child together, a bond might form. Lessa knew how much I’d hoped to get selected.
They never once mentioned they did, too.
Zephyr, now that I’ve said that aloud, it sounds awful, doesn’t it? It seems I’m just as selfish as you.”
He chuckles, and she wonders if he’ll call her a hypocrite or refrain like Jett. Considering she went back on her personal vow and ordered a manupartner, she’s earned the insult.
K8 stares down at her hands, feeling even guiltier after her confession.
James will see her as an entitled brat now.
Not the usually mature scientist she is most of the time.
Sharing such an ugly, vulnerable feeling makes her twitchy.
Will he judge her? He’s going to judge her. A manupartner wouldn’t judge her . . .
To her relief, he says, “K8, you are one of the least selfish people I’ve ever met. You’re kind and considerate. You even tried to hide your own pain so Lessa would have a good time. They are the one who acted selfishly, blurting out their news, not even thinking of how it might affect you.”
That makes her feel a little less guilty. Makes her lean a little closer.
“There’s one thing I don’t understand,” he says, and she nods, urging him to continue. “Most people now are happy with the companionship provided by a manupartner. From my vantage point, I can see why one would think they’re repulsive, but why do you?”
She turns away, thinking of her parents.
If she were to share this deep vulnerability, maybe they—no.
She only told Jett during one of their arguments to justify her position, and Jett probably didn’t think of it again until the next time they got into a manupartner conversation.
If she told James, he would think her even more pathetic.
Assessment made: not worth the risk. “Like you said, I’m just the odd man out. ”
He looks at her like he isn’t quite buying it.
Eager to keep him from pressing, she says, “How is it fair that Lessa got selected, and I didn’t?”
James brushes a strand of hair behind her ear. “That’s the thing about luck. You can’t count on it to do you any favors. Sometimes you have to make your own.”
The warm feelings blossoming between them come to a frosty halt.
Why does he always do that? That isn’t how things work now, she wants to scream.
The irony of her situation strikes her like a slap.
As if she has any control over it. What he is suggesting is laughable.
Her head whips up, and she glares at him.
Then she gets to her feet, making her way to her bathroom.
Standing in the doorway, she says, “You know, I thought I’d gotten lucky when I discovered you were real.
Then I thought maybe this was the non-deities’ way of gifting me with the companionship I’ve always dreamed of.
But then you turned out to be you.” James flinches, but she carries on.
“And now Lessa’s won the birthing lottery.
And here I sit, as pathetic and alone as where I started. ”
Then she closes the door, leaving him perched at the foot of her bed. When she emerges half an hour later, thankfully, James is gone.