Chapter 27 – Teagan
Eleven years ago…
I’m so tired of crying.
Every day, as I wait for the bus at the end of my parents’ lane, I’m reminded of him.
I see his truck pull into the driveway, ready to work with our dairy farm’s veterinarian, and I hate him.
I hate that he lied to me.
I hate that I believed him.
I hate that I told him I loved him.
I hate that he told me he loved me back.
And I hate that I was stupid enough to think he’d love a sixteen-year-old girl still in high school.
And I hate his wife.
Okay, I guess I don’t hate her. She’s just as oblivious as I was, not knowing there was another woman in the picture.
Correction, another girl.
I guess, I hate myself most of all.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
I’m so tired of crying.
I look out my window, watching the raindrops run down the metal roof that covers the first-floor porch of our farmhouse.
It’s a place where I used to like to sit during the summertime in the rocking chair with my little sister Shawna, watching as the farm vehicles do their work in the fields and listening to the loud moos of our dairy cows nearby.
The rain rushes toward the gutters, leading quickly to the ground and ending in a muddy puddle that’ll stick around for weeks this time of the year.
I’ve never snuck out of my house before. I wonder if I attempted to slide down one of the gutters, if they'd crumble in my hands or if I’d be able to make it down in one long, smooth slide.
The thought of free-falling to the ground below sounds oddly comforting. I wonder what I’d break first if I fell.
A leg.
Or maybe a rib.
I wonder if it’d hurt or if the pain in my heart would overshadow the physical pain that I’d feel.
Did I mention that I hate that I’m so emotional lately?
My eyes cast upward, away from the gutter, and back toward the barn, catching his familiar red Chevrolet truck as it leaves.
There’s his stupid truck, driving down my dad’s stupid lane, hopefully for the last time, since he’s finished his vet tech internship and will no longer be working with Dr. Martin, our farm’s vet.
I’m relieved I won’t see it anymore and at the same time devastated because I’m a teenager with a scorned heart, not yet understanding that there’s a world full of guys out there waiting for me to explore.
I know I’m young and still have a lot of love left to give, but I’m still angry.
And I’m still heartbroken.
And I’m not done holding on to my anger and heartbreak just yet.
I storm out of the house, grabbing my raincoat and boots, and run toward the stables where my beautiful white horse, Riley, is eating her dinner.
The rain is coming down heavier now and it feels like the sting of the pellet gun bullets Shawna and I used to shoot at each other before my stepmom took them away, telling us that little girls don’t play with guns, even if they are pretend.
The pricks of the drops feel good, and the water disguises my tears that won’t stop falling. No one knows the real reason why I’ve been so emotional the past few weeks. That my heart has been shattered by our twenty-year-old vet tech that I'd been secretly engaging in a relationship with.
I heard my stepmom tell my dad it was probably because ‘my period started.’ She knows about me and Harrison and that I got my period three years ago when I was thirteen.
I don’t know why she’s lying except she’s probably embarrassed of me in the way that she’s always been for reasons that I don’t understand.
Pushing me to the back in family photos, ignoring my questions, I’ve never been a daughter to her since she’s entered my life.
I mount Riley without a saddle, pulling my rain jacket down under my butt to cover as much of my body as possible from the torrential downpour. I’ve ridden her bareback before but never in rain this hard and I know it can be dangerous if I’m not careful though right now, I don’t intend on being.
Coaxing her gently, we head out of the barn, slipping undetected in the direction away from the farmhouse as I start her at a slow trot. Once we clear the line of sight from the house, we’re off on a gallop toward the fields.
It’s raining harder now. I’m gripping Riley’s sides tightly with my thighs, and tears are streaming down my face as I ride.
I’m too emotional.
I care too much.
That’s what my stepmom always says.
I just need to ride a little further into our property; maybe then the pain will dissipate, and I can forget that Harrison ever existed and that I ever gave him my heart.
I press Riley onward, knowing I should turn back since I can barely see the cleared field ahead now.
The rain pelts my eyes and obscures my vision.
I reach up, brushing the hair that’s sticking to my forehead back from my face as I try to see through the storm, but the movement causes me to lose grip on Riley’s mane.
“No!” I scream out, but it’s too late. I slip, falling to the hard ground of the pasture beneath me. A loud crack immediately reverberates through my body as I feel a bone in my arm snap and the breath leave my lungs from the sheer force of my fall.
“No!” I croak again from where I’m lying on the ground, panting trying to take a breath but there's not enough air. There’s not enough oxygen in the world to fix the pain that I’m feeling.
The rain continues to assault me, not caring that I'm lying motionless on the ground. I hear Riley stop a few feet ahead, whimper, and then take off back to the barn.
I lay there, feeling the immediate shock of the pain wear off as my arm starts to throb against the cold, muddy ground.
I try to move it, but I can’t. The pain is so intense it’s almost unbearable.
I try to sit up, but any movement is excruciating.
I close my eyes, sinking back into the floor of the field and try to lay as still as possible.
In that moment, I decide to let it go—all the anger and pain I’ve been feeling. I just want to move forward with my life. Be a normal sixteen-year-old girl who didn’t fall in love with a married man.
I want to finish high school and fall in love again.
I want to be a normal kid who enjoys these last few years before going away to college.
And I want to stop being hung up on someone who doesn't want me.
I cry out, tears streaming down my face as the rain continues to fall.
Time passes, though I’m not sure how much and suddenly I hear voices yelling through the rush of the storm and realize it’s my dad who’s come to look for me.
Riley must have found him. I try to sit up but can’t, the pain is too much, and I’m soaked through, stuck in the mud of the field floor.
“Dad! I’m over here!” I cry loudly.
My dad rushes to my side immediately. “What happened?!”
“I fell off Riley.”
He looks at my arm carefully, then nods. “I’m going to lift you. It’s going to be painful, but I’ll try not to move it. We have to get you to the ER, honey. I think it’s broken.”
I nod and bite down on my lip hard as he scoops me up in his arms gently. “I need you to be brave and strong for me. Can you do that?”
My heart aches hearing those words. The same words he said to me at my mom’s funeral four years ago. I’d been brave and strong before and I know I could do it again.
He carries me to the 4-wheeler he was driving and sets me gently on the back. “Hold on with your good arm as tightly as you can,” he instructs, as we head back in the direction towards the farmhouse.
One hour later, we’re finally being seen in the local Emergency Room.
“Strong girl,” the nurse whispers as she pats my good arm gently.
“I’ve just finished putting in your IV. We’ll take some blood to be sure you didn’t lose too much from that laceration on your leg, and then provide you with some pain medication to help with what you’re feeling right now. The doctor will be in shortly.”
“Thank you,” my father says from where he’s standing next to me.
The nurse leaves the room as my dad crouches down next to me. “I need to call your stepmom to fill her in on what happened. Are you going to be alright for a few moments alone, kiddo?”
I nod as he steps out of the room and I lay back, finally feeling the medication that the nurse pushed through my IV take the edge off the searing pain in my arm. A few minutes later, there’s another knock at the door with a woman in an all-white coat entering.
“Hi Teagan, I’m one of the physician assistants here at Cedarbrook Springs Hospital.
One of our x-ray technicians just started her shift and will be with you shortly to take some images of your arm.
It looks like it’s a clean break, but we’ll confirm that with the scan.
But don’t worry, she’ll cover your pelvis and take every precaution to protect the baby. ”
“The… what?” I ask, my eyes going wide.
“The baby…” The physician’s eyes look at me warily as she tilts her head. “I thought the nurse you just met with told you. The results of your blood work came back. You’re pregnant.”
My mouth drops open as I sit up in the bed abruptly, no longer caring about the obvious break in my arm and the physical pain that I’m feeling.
“She’s what?” my father demands from the doorway.