Chapter 26 #2
“A relationship?” My voice is a squeak as I tug my hand free of his playful grip. “No. That’s not going to happen. I’m sorry, Roderick. You’re a good-looking guy, and you seem like a responsible pack leader. And, yeah, your kisses are nice—”
“Nice?”
“Yes. Very nice. But we’re never going to be in a relationship.”
“Why not?”
“Just trust me.” With frantic movements, I start shoving my lunch back into my bag, giving up on eating near him.
“I want to know why.”
“It won’t make sense to you.”
“Try me,” he presses.
And at that moment, I tug my lunch box zipper so hard that it tears, and all my delicious food spills onto the ground.
“No,” I moan.
The lid on my apple container, not sealed right, pops off, launching fruit across the grass. My sandwich does a sad flop out of its bag. And my cookies sit in a depressing mess in the dirt. The only thing that survived is a bag of chips.
I fight against the sudden urge to cry, knowing I’ll spend the rest of my day hungry.
“Juliet—”
“I can’t dance in front of you!” I shout, tired of his pushing and combative from hunger.
Belatedly, I realize Roderick is at my side. He crouches on the ground, collecting my spilled food.
“What does that mean?” He hands me the sealed bag of chips. “You can’t dance in front of me?”
“Forget it.” I shouldn’t have said that. “I told you it wouldn’t make sense.”
“Try explaining.” His words are soft, almost coaxing.
My thoughts skip back to the last full moon here, in Pine Falls. The night brought on so much fear, but when I turned up the music and started moving, I was able to forget everything. When I dance, I can fully relax. I’m truly vulnerable.
Because I know without a doubt that my dancing is bad.
And I’ve busted out my terrible dancing only one night for years. Because I only had that one night out of every month in Bear Valley. Every other day, Cory was around. And I learned never to be vulnerable where he could see.
My nerves rubbed raw from the mere memory of my ex, I start to pace.
But still, I try to find the words.
“Is there anything you like to do that you’re bad at?” I ask.
Roderick frowns. “Why would I enjoy being bad at something?”
Of course. Mr. Tall, Strong, Handsome Alpha would never waste his time on activities where he can’t excel. Even his baking is elite.
“That’s not …” I sigh. “Never mind.”
“No. Explain.”
His command grates on my nerves, but I get the sense he’ll keep pushing if I don’t.
“It’s about vulnerability, Roderick. You’re an attractive guy.
I am attracted to you. But I’ve been in a relationship built solely on attraction, and I ended up in hell.
Attraction isn’t comfort. It isn’t safety.
” I stop to face him, making sure I meet his stony eyes.
“It isn’t enough. And I am never going to be in a relationship where I’m scared.
I won’t even give it a date. Never again. ”
Roderick’s gaze burns into mine. “Tell me his name.”
And start a war between packs because Roderick has a hero complex? Fuck that.
“No,” I snap. “Stop asking.”
A muscle in his jaw tics, but then he smooths his expression once more.
“Your panic attack. Wasn’t that vulnerable?”
I don’t want to remember that, how I was shaking and terrified in my kitchen. How he saw every moment of me at my weakest.
“Yes …” I hedge. “But not intentionally.”
“I didn’t hurt you then.”
“Good job. You’ve stepped over a bar that’s literally ground level.” Sarcasm drips from my words like venom. “Do you want a fucking cookie?” I wave at the ones in the dirt.
“No,” he grumbles.
Silence descends between us until he breaks it with what sounds an awful lot like a command.
“Do it. Dance in front of me.”
My urge to come to some shared understanding evaporates under my heated anger. Mr. Alpha Pack Leader is used to having his dictates followed. But I’m not a member of his pack, and I am not some scared human, here to entertain him.
“No.” The word cuts through the air. “My terrible dancing is for me. It’s not for anyone else. Just because we made out doesn’t change anything.”
Maybe I don’t truly fear Roderick, but not being afraid of someone is still a long way away from the freedom to be a completely honest version of myself around them.
“I won’t judge you,” he insists.
At that, I can’t stifle a disbelieving laugh. “Seriously? All you do is judge me, Roderick. The second I crossed into your territory, you’ve been judging me. So, pardon me if I don’t believe you.”
The wolf stands, towering over me. But again, I don’t feel fear. Not like when I saw his black eyes last night.
It seems I only have certain panic triggers, and the Pine Falls pack leader is not setting any of them off at the moment with his hard eyes clear of the darkness that hints his wolf lingers near the surface. All he has is my annoyance.
“You accepted my apology.” Roderick rumbles the words deep, and I wonder if I would have felt the vibration of them had my hands been on his chest.
“Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting,” I bite out.
And suddenly, I find myself unable to keep from touching him. But I refuse to confuse this conversation with foreplay, so my actions possess an air of aggression.
I push him with my fists against his broad chest. He doesn’t budge, but that’s okay. The point wasn’t really to move him.
Roderick stares down at me.
“Does that help?” he asks.
“Does what help?” I scowl into his handsome face.
“Trying to push me?” He reaches his hands up, only to brush his thumbs over the back of my fists, where they remain planted against his firm pecs.
“Yes,” I admit. “It does.”
“Why?” His tone is curious. “You’re strong, but you won’t move me.”
Cocky much?
No, that’s not right. He’s just being honest.
The fight leaves me as fast as it rose, and I answer with equal truth, “I think I want proof that you’ll let me.”
Roderick’s hands gently rub my forearms, down to my elbows, then back to my wrists. “You want to be able to push people?”
Mesmerized by his touch, I shake my head to deny his interpretation, but also to clear away the trance he’s laying over me. “That’s not it.”
“Then what is it?”
Now I hesitate. This next bit is more revealing. “I like knowing you won’t push me back.”
The wolf frowns. “That would hurt you.”
Oh, Roderick.
“Not everyone cares about power imbalances.”
Understanding flashes across his face, hardening any vaguely soft edges. “Tell me who he is. Tell me who hurt you.”
Always back to this.
“Never.”
I force my hands to fall and my feet to step away.
There’s so much more than space between us. There’s my distrust. My fear. Roderick’s prejudice.
But there’s also his honor. What chaos would erupt if I let myself ignore everything else and become someone special to him, and then he discovered the truth about my past?
Could I fall for a man and never tell him my real name? Could a stubborn alpha give up the hunt for my truths?
If he couldn’t, there’s no telling what might happen.
What blood would be shed.
“I’m going back to work.”
I grab my empty, broken lunch box and take a step toward the building. As I do, the corner knocks against my bag of chips. I watch the scene as if in slow motion, and there’s nothing I can do to keep my foot from landing directly on the final bit of my lunch.
The bag pops.
The chips crush.
My shoulders sag, and I fight the urge to cry.
Maybe it’s the defeated look on my face, or maybe my words have finally sank in. But whatever the cause, Roderick stays silent and lets me trudge away.
Fifteen minutes later, in the last bit of my break, I’m sitting at my desk, trying to convince myself a Snickers bar will keep me full until the end of the workday.
My office phone rings, and when I pick it up, Odina is on the other end.
“There’s a bag at the front desk with your name on it.”
“What?”
“A bag of food. Looks like it’s from The Wild Rabbit.”
Could he have …
“Be right there.”
When I reach the circulation desk, my boss hands over the brown paper bag with Juliet written in blocky, no-nonsense letters beneath the logo of The Wild Rabbit.
“Why don’t you take a few extra minutes to eat?” Odina offers.
Numbly, I nod, then follow my urge to head outside. There’s no motorcycle in the parking lot. No sign that this gift is from Roderick.
But when I open up the bag to find a turkey sandwich, an apple, a bag of chips, and a large chocolate chip cookie, I have no doubt.
Even when I turned him down flat, the werewolf was kind.