Chapter 48
RODERICK
“It’ll just be the three of us. I don’t see why anyone would have a problem with it.
” Ross stands on the other side of my office desk with his arms crossed as I study the map my pack member showed up with.
On it, he’s marked off a route he and two other wolves plan to ride before the snow blows in for the season and makes the roads too icy for our bikes.
My temper is the shortest it’s ever been, so it takes true effort not to growl at the defiance in his tone.
Truthfully, Ross has done the right thing by bringing his travel plans to me, even though it’s clear he resents the requirement.
The wolf has stayed in line ever since Warner beat him bloody in a Challenge after Ross made veiled threats toward Zoey.
But the guy still has an attitude problem. Maybe I’ll figure out how best to address it when my thoughts and emotions aren’t in a blender.
“I’ll let you know if there are any issues.” My voice is as rock steady as usual. No hint that I want to tell Ross and everyone else to leave me the fuck alone for the rest of the year.
The sound of footsteps on the stairs outside my office has my wolf perking up.
Is it our mate? the wolf asks.
The urge to snarl at the animal inside of my head is almost too strong to stifle.
No, it’s not Juliet. Probably some other pack member wanting to get a request in before I leave. She doesn’t want us.
The look on her face when I brought up just the idea of mating makes me want to tear at my skin. Fear. Pure, unfiltered fear. She was horrified at potentially being connected to me for the rest of her life.
So, I left her.
I lost her.
The pencil I’m holding snaps in half under my punishing grip, and Ross’s eyes widen at the hint of my hidden agitation.
Meanwhile, I’m reminded of the first day Juliet came to my office, all righteous indignation, chucking pencil pieces out my open window.
The first day I acknowledged my infatuation with her.
What I wouldn’t give to go back to that day.
During that interaction, I was the calm one. Fully in control of my reactions.
How I acted at Juliet’s, I wasn’t myself.
Or, more accurately, I was a rare, emotionally raw version of myself.
Blood still thrumming with magic from the full moon, trying to ignore the wounding reminder that I’d exiled my mother, and relatively fresh off a confrontation with the first woman I’d loved who rejected me out of fear.
When Juliet aggressively dismissed the idea of mating me … I fucking broke.
Three days have passed, and we haven’t spoken, which means I’m listening to my wolf growl and grouse on a constant loop. The beast and I want her so much that I can practically scent her lemon-paper smell in the air.
Then I realize that’s not a conjuring from my memory. The steps stop in my cracked doorway.
She’s here.
A knock on the door, and then Juliet steps into my office.
The sight of her steals my breath. Doesn’t matter that she’s wearing a thicker coat that hides her figure. I just want to peel it and her jeans off until I can run my tongue over her tender flesh.
Ross turns, putting his eyes on my woman, and she stares back at him, seeming surprised to find anyone other than me here with the way she hesitates.
“Miss Adair,” Ross says. “Hey.”
How the fuck does he know her?
“Hi, Ross. Sorry to interrupt.” She gives him an apologetic smile.
Him. Him she smiles at.
Challenge him!
Instead, I clench my fists and breathe evenly, showing that I have some restraint.
“Nah. We’re done. Alpha’s all yours.” Ross tosses a nod my way, then strolls out the door. Leaving Juliet and me alone.
I can’t decide if this arrangement is better or worse.
Because now all I can focus on his her, and my mind tries to play out every intimate moment we’ve ever had.
“Roderick,” she says by way of greeting.
Her stiff tone brings me back to myself, and I lock down my lust-soaked reaction.
“Juliet,” I respond. “You know Ross?”
Gods, I sound like a fucking jealous teenager.
“He comes to the library sometimes.” She shrugs, and her mildly dismissive tone probably saves the wolf’s life. Juliet steps closer, and I suddenly feel like I’m being stalked. “I wanted to talk to you.”
Hit with a rush of defensiveness, I decide not to make the conversation easy.
“About what?” I ask, my tone as cold and removed as I can manage.
Her eyes trace over my face, searching for something. I don’t let her find anything other than a chill.
But my cool demeanor doesn’t drive her away. Instead, Juliet perches on the chair opposite my desk, almost absent-mindedly picking up one of my spare pencils. The writing device twirls in her fingers as she glances over her shoulder toward the door.
“Do your pack members come here a lot?”
“They know they can find me here.” Is she going to add me being an alpha to the list of reasons she doesn’t want me? Because it’s not like I could just quit the job even if I wanted to. “Is that what you wanted to talk about?”
“No.” She sighs, but the sound isn’t relaxed with her shoulders so rigid. “I was just hoping for privacy.”
So you can officially break my heart without anyone hearing?
Uncertain and frustrated, I go defensive again.
“I have work to do.” Not a lie. Both my nine-to-five and my role as alpha have me busier today than most.
Juliet nods, then asks, “Would you mind coming over tonight?” Her eyes flit to every part of the room except where I’m sitting. “Or I could come to your place if that’s easier.” She murmurs the offer, her fiery personality missing. The lack sets me further on edge.
Where is the woman who loves to argue with me?
Mate is sad. Kiss her.
But I don’t think I’m allowed to anymore.
“I have to go out of town,” I say, wondering if this will get her to snap at me. To scowl in the pretty way she does.
My pushback isn’t just to see the fight in her.
I do have to leave town. Pack business has been on the calendar for months, and I can’t shift this around.
My plan was to tell Juliet about the trip, but there’s no way I can now.
Not when I’m unsure of our future. Sharing pack business with a woman who refuses to commit to me would be irresponsible. Dangerous.
If she keeps us separate, then I have to as well.
Juliet drops her attention to the pencil she’s fiddling with, not meeting my eyes. But I see her teeth dig into her lower lip and her lashes flutter.
The sight saps away my anger and hurts my heart. My wolf whines.
“Okay,” she murmurs, setting the pencil back where she found it and pushing up from her chair.
I expect her to leave. To walk out the door and walk out of my life. Maybe when I return from my trip, she’ll have left Pine Falls entirely.
No! Chase her. Bring her home.
Panic opens a black hole in my chest, and I struggle to breathe.
Then Juliet circles around my desk to stand next to me. To loom over me. Which she can only accomplish while I’m sitting down.
Finally, our gazes clash, and in hers, I spy sadness, but also determination.
“I haven’t been fair to you, Roderick. I know that.
” There’s a sheen in her eyes before she quickly blinks it away.
“But my past has made me choose between being fair and being safe. I don’t know if I can change.
I don’t know if I can make myself take the risk.
” The inhale she sucks in is ragged, and I find myself breathing in time with her.
“But I want to try. And I, at the very least, want to explain. Explain what happened to me. So, if this—if we—can’t work, at least we’ll both know why. ”
Her confession is so unexpected that I struggle for a response. But Juliet isn’t done.
“If you still want to be with me, I want to kiss you.” Her voice cracks on the last word. “Now.” The bottom lip she was biting before quivers. “Please.”
Her words crash through me, demolishing the cool facade, the icy wall erected between us.
She still wants me.
And I think I’ll die if I don’t taste her soon.
The next moment, I’ve pulled my woman into my lap, hand cupping the back of her head as I feast on her mouth. There’s nothing gentle or sweet about this kiss. I’m an animal, taking what I need to survive.
But from the way Juliet’s fingers dig into my shoulders, clutching me close, I can feel her hunger for me too. And as we let passion take over, the tension between us is briefly forgotten.
Maybe our problems aren’t gone, but they’re not keeping me from her in this moment, and that’s the best I can ask for.
Juliet presses her body against mine, nails raking along my scalp, as if she wants to mark me. The gesture gives me hope. Hope that, one day, twining her life to mine won’t seem so abhorrent. That, one day, her fear for my kind will fade and she can approach the idea without disgust.
All I need is patience.
There’s a knock on the door, which Ross shut on his way out, and I tear my mouth from Juliet’s with a low growl.
“Wait!” I bark out at the new arrival. Another wolf most likely, proving Juliet’s assumption correct that now isn’t the best time for a private conversation.
“When do you get back into town?” Juliet whispers the question against my mouth.
“Tomorrow.” I nip at her bottom lip, then suck on the area and enjoy her light gasp.
“Can we talk tomorrow night then?” Her question doesn’t bring discomfort like it did a moment ago. Not with her arms wrapped around my neck and her soft body draped over mine.
“But I want to try.” That’s what she said, and it’s all the hope I need.
“Yes. I’ll come to you.”
She pulls away, and I grumble a protest. The smile she gives me is small, but now there’s a hopeful glint in her eyes. “I’ll be waiting for you.”
My lap feels icy cold when she lifts her warm body off me.
Juliet is almost out the door when she pauses, fingers clutching the knob. Then she meets my stare, hers determined. “You don’t scare me, Roderick Jameson.”
She goes then, strolling straight out of my office, past the pack member who barely registers in my mind, and leaving me to fight the urging of my wolf to chase after her.
“You don’t scare me …”
I have trouble accepting her words as truth, not when I still have her panicked reaction playing on a loop in my mind.
But maybe Juliet means she doesn’t want to be scared of me, which isn’t nothing.
Pressing my hand against my stomach, where I sometimes still get a phantom ache of past wounds, I consider how even if something appears to be healed, hurt can still linger.
And maybe that’s how it is with my librarian.
Juliet is healing, but she aches. And it’s the aches—the reminders of her previous pain—that make her flinch.
Not me. Not really.
I’m not the source of her pain, and I want to be the one who soothes it.
Knowing the truth could be a starting point.
My chest fills with a tangled war of excitement and fear. What will tomorrow bring?
Having my focus divided like this is not a good thing. This trip is vital to the continued safety of the Pine Falls pack, and I need to be completely engrossed in the meeting to come.
With all my willpower, I tuck thoughts of my woman into the back corner of my mind so I can focus.
Anything else is dangerous.