22. Declan
22
DECLAN
I lay in bed facing Olivia, absently tracing the bones of her hand. I was exhausted and sated, but I still couldn’t seem to stop touching her. This felt too good, too perfect. I couldn’t shake the feeling that we were on borrowed time. That having anything this good was just asking for disaster of some kind to strike.
Olivia yawned and snuggled deeper into her pillow. “What time does Catie get back?”
“My mum’s dropping her off around noon. So you can sleep in.” I had an early morning meeting I couldn’t move, but I liked the idea of Olivia naked and slumbering in my bed.
She smiled at me sleepily. “You really are good at everything.”
“Only because I learn from my failures.” I kissed her fingertips. “My first one-night stand was not particularly satisfying for anyone involved.”
She stilled.
“Not that this is a one-night stand,” I hurried to add. “Because it’s not.”
“I know,” she said, even as her smile put distance between us. “Light and fun, though, right?”
“Light and fun,” I repeated, the words feeling strangely inadequate for what we’d just done.
Olivia rolled onto her back and stared up at the ceiling. “Maybe that’s why I’m awful at relationships. Maybe I only have these crazy high standards for men because I’m scared to fail a relationship, and lose someone else I care about.”
Her words stole my breath. Olivia presented such a confident, sunshiny presence to the world. She made a living starting over in new places, with one new family after another. But she was also the girl who hated the part of the story where Sadhbh disappeared into the woods, never to return home again. She was the girl who’d lost people she loved, and was scared of losing more.
I wrapped an arm around her waist and tugged her to me, fitting her back to my front. I knew too well that people came in and out of your life in ways that you couldn’t control. But if it had been in my power, I would have made it so that Olivia never lost anyone again.
“Either that, or I’ve been scarred by one too many bad online dates,” Olivia joked, and I laughed because it was clear she wanted me to.
“Do you…do you think the fear of failure might extend to career stuff?” I asked. I meant, Do you think you could be happy doing something besides nannying? Something that lets you stay in Ireland? Having an entire ocean between us didn’t sit right with me. The thought of it was enough to make my heart tighten.
Olivia looked over her shoulder and mock-glared at me. “That is annoyingly perceptive. You’re ruining my afterglow.”
“Can’t have that.” I kissed the spot behind her ear, then the base of her neck, then the back of her shoulder. I ran my hand along her side, stopping at the softness of her thigh.
“Mmm.” Olivia sighed happily, snuggling into the soft bed. “Magic hands.”
I liked hearing her voice when she was happy. “Tell me about your book. You said Molly’s submitting it to a publisher, but you didn’t tell me what it’s about.”
She hesitated. “No criticism, okay? It’s too new. You can only say, ‘Yes, Olivia, you’re a genius.’”
I laughed into her hair. “I can handle that.”
She started talking, telling me a story about a little duckling who’s lost his mom, but when he runs into trouble, he remembers his mom’s advice, and it helps him.
The more she talked, the more I could have sworn I’d heard it before.
Then it came to me in a moment of blinding clarity.
@1000words. This was exact same story @1000words was writing.
@1000words, who was temporarily in Ireland. And who had a crush on a guy she worked with. And who’d complained about a demanding boss who didn’t want what was best for a kid. And who’d needed help figuring out my showerhead.
@1000words was Olivia. Olivia, who’d told me she had a blog on Snug. Olivia, who loved all the picture books I’d gotten for Catie based on @1000words’ glowing reviews.
Suddenly, a lot of things made sense—including my attraction to both women. I hadn’t seen it first, because Olivia hid her vulnerabilities around me, and @1000words hid her real life. But they were both smart, kind, and unafraid to tell me the truth, even when it was something I didn’t want to hear.
It felt like I’d been assembling two halves of a puzzle, and finally slid the halves together so I could see the whole picture.
It felt like fate, which wasn’t something I’d ever believed in. But right now, with Olivia in my arms, it seemed like I could believe in anything.
I opened my mouth to tell her, when I remembered what she’d said about the creep who’d met her in real life, then stalked her blog and lured her into a fake friendship.
This wasn’t the same thing, at all .
But would Olivia see that?
I didn’t want to mess things up between us, and I sure as hell didn’t want to say anything that would make her feel uncomfortable, or worse, unsafe.
I decided to test the waters. “It’s so weird how people meet. You sat down next to me on a plane, and then you turned out to be the only possible nanny for the job. What if we’ve crossed paths before, and not realized it?”
Olivia made a sleepy sound, only half-listening.
I pressed on. “You write a blog on my site. What if I’ve read it, without knowing? That would be romantic, right?”
Olivia shuddered. “No thank you. My blog’s anonymous for a reason. Plus, it would remind me too much of that guy who cyberstalked me.”
A ball of tension settled in my stomach.
Olivia pulled away from me and sat up, covering herself with the sheets. “Declan, did you look up my account and find my blog up when I told you I had one? Is that something you can do as the owner? Because that’s really not cool.”
“No!” I sat up. “I mean, I could, with your email address. But I didn’t.”
Olivia clutched the sheet to her body, looking brittle.
“I swear,” I said, rubbing her shoulders. “I wouldn’t betray your privacy like that.”
Olivia relaxed and blew out a sigh of relief. “Sorry, I…” She ran a hand through my hair. “I guess that experience with Eddie freaked me out more than I realized. Thinking you know someone, and then finding out you really don’t.”
I pulled her back down under the covers and hugged her to my chest. “You know me, Olivia. I promise.”
She nodded, wrapping herself around me in return.
I held her until she fell asleep.
I stroked her hair, trying to tell myself I hadn’t just made a huge mistake by staying silent. But she’d been so rattled. And what we had was so new.
I’ll find a way to tell her , I promised myself. When the time is right.
Maybe I could drop clues, so she could figure it out herself, like I had. Maybe that way, she’d feel more in control, less blindsided.
Or maybe I was fooling myself, and the best way to handle this was to ghost @1000words and hope Olivia never put two and two together. But that felt like both a dick move, and, illogically, like I’d be losing a friend.
Outside, rain fell soft against the windowpane. I reached to turn my bedside lamp off and let darkness wash over us. I breathed in Olivia’s scent and tried to block out my doubts.
I’d never felt like this before—obsessed with a woman. Desperate to make what we had last as long as possible. It was ironic, since this was the only relationship I’d had that couldn’t possibly last. Sinead would come back for Catie, and Olivia would move back to the States.
The distance wasn’t an insurmountable obstacle—I could fly there every week if I needed to—but I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle it. After all, can someone really survive if their beating heart is on the other side of the world? No… hour-long facetiming sessions and weekly dates wouldn’t be nearly enough. I needed her with me.
Of course, asking Olivia to stay for me wasn’t an option. It was far too early. But if I helped her find another reason to stay in Ireland… If I helped her figure out how to monetize the blog she clearly loved, maybe get some sponsorships, so she didn’t have to nanny anymore…
I drifted off to sleep, restlessly searching for answers I wasn’t sure existed.