13. Natalie
13
NATALIE
“ O kay, this is way better than the subway,” I said as I slid into the black sedan idling outside Christopher’s building. “Thanks again for the offer.”
James nodded at the driver and got in next to me. “Traffic won’t be too bad now, and it’s no problem at all.”
“Yeah, but Brooklyn has to be way out of your way.”
“Sure,” he agreed with a shrug. “But I’ve got my phone and my laptop—I’ll be able to get work done on the drive home. It’s the same thing I’d be doing if I got home earlier.”
I wanted to say something about how it wasn’t healthy to be such a workaholic, but it felt kind of rude to pick at him when he was doing me a favor—especially when he had a lot more reason to be upset with me than I did with him.
“So you’re not mad at me for reaching out to your brother?” I glanced over at him nervously, because for all I knew, he’d been secretly stewing about me infiltrating his family the entire time.
“At first? Yeah, I was. But now I see that it’s probably good for him to be tangentially involved in the business. He needs to keep his mind engaged. And I can tell that it makes him feel appreciated to get a little hero worship from you.”
I breathed a sigh of relief and watched the world pass by outside. I wanted to know more, though. To learn why this exceptionally gifted man had closed himself off to the world. Bad breakups could do that to you, sure, but what Christopher had gone through definitely seemed like much more. The relaxed post-meal vibe in the car made me realize that this was my chance to find out exactly what had happened. I wanted to get the full story so I could be the best support possible for him, because I really liked him.
“He told me a little about his ex,” I offered gently, hoping James would take the bait.
“Amanda.” He rolled his eyes. “I wish he’d never met her. The woman is still making his life hell.”
“How bad was it?” I asked, crossing my fingers that he wouldn’t shut down or tell me to mind my own business.
We hit a bump, and our knees were jostled together for a moment. Strangely, neither one of us pulled away immediately.
James moved back to his side slowly and sighed. “If you’re going to keep working with him, you should probably know, just so you won’t accidentally trigger him.”
James hit a hidden button and a solid partition slid up between us and the driver. It took him a few moments to begin.
“Christopher fell head over heels for a woman who was totally wrong for him,” James began. “Amanda is very image- conscious. She wanted Christopher to be a part of the see-and-be-seen crowd. Tons of events, parties, openings. He wanted her to be happy, so he went along with it, but it really wasn’t his scene. Not sure if you’ve noticed, but my brother is kind of an introvert. He’s great in small groups, but he hates big events where he has to be ‘on’ the whole time. He can fake it when he has to, but he gets depleted pretty quickly.”
“I wasn’t sure if that was due to what he’d been through or…”
James shook his head. “No, that’s who he is, so you can imagine how impossible it was for him to go partying with Amanda. And she refused to give him any leeway. She always got what she wanted. I hated what it did to him.” James paused and when I glanced over, his eyebrows were drawn together. “He was so exhausted, so wrung out that he, uh…he turned to pills.”
My heart dropped at the revelation. “Oh no!”
“Yeah. He saw it as his only option to get his job done during the day and keep his energy up at night. And he made it work for a while, but then everything turned upside-down. He wanted to start a family, but Amanda refused. She wasn’t honest about not wanting kids before they were married. Christopher had always wanted to be a dad, and for the longest time he thought Amanda would come around. But no matter what he promised, from hiring a live-in nanny to offering to buy her mother the apartment below him so she could help too, nothing changed her mind. She was adamant that she would never be a mother.”
I watched his face, illuminated by the neon signs outside the window.
“Christopher took even more pills to help himself cope with the way his life was turning out, and he became addicted. And as you might imagine, everything spiraled. He became erratic at work, and the quality of his projects took a serious downturn. I’m ashamed to admit how long it took me to realize what was going on. He always had plenty of excuses to cover for it in our personal interactions, and it got overlooked for a while at the office. Bernie had started stepping back ten years ago, after her first heart attack, and a lot of the company reviews she used to do herself got split up and delegated among a bunch of people. The right hand didn’t know what the left hand was doing, and no one put the pieces together that there was a real problem in the creative department. But it all came to a head three years ago, when Bernie had the second heart attack and I took over as CEO. I had no choice but to step in and get him into rehab. Let’s just say the intervention was messy .”
“His wife didn’t help?”
James snorted. “Amanda didn’t care. She was still getting everything she wanted thanks to his bank account, and that was all that mattered to her.”
“So that’s what he meant…” I trailed off again, finally putting the pieces together. “He was vague, but I get it now.”
“He doesn’t like talking about it,” James said, fiddling with his watch. “No surprise there.”
“So I’m guessing Amanda wasn’t waiting for him with open arms when he got out?”
His harsh laugh filled the car. “She filed for divorce while he was in rehab! Talk about for better or for worse, huh?”
“Oh, poor Christopher,” I whispered. How could anyone be so cruel? I didn’t know Amanda, but I hated her anyway.
“Obviously when he came home he needed more time to process everything. To grieve the life he thought he was going to have.” James’s voice was soft and he went quiet for a few seconds. “Christopher told me that he wasn’t ready to come back to work, and I was fine with it. Clint was working with him closely—he actually stepped in and covered for Christopher a lot when he kept disappearing on us—so promoting Clint seemed like the natural step, even though in retrospect it was my worst business decision ever.”
I laughed softly.
“I wanted Christopher to have all the time he needed to feel whole and stable again, but I worry about his progress. If staying in was making him feel better, then that would be one thing, but I feel like shutting himself off is just leaving him without much of anything that brings him joy, you know?” James turned to look at me. “In a way, I’m grateful that you’re a meddling rule breaker.”
My mouth dropped open and he reached out to quickly squeeze my hand.
“I’m kidding . I think you being there, making him part of the business again, is good for him. Thank you.”
My face went hot. The brief grasp of his hand coupled with the compliment knocked me off my axis for a second.
“Well, if there’s one thing I understand, it’s toxic exes.” I huffed out a laugh to try to ignore the warmth simmering where he’d touched me.
“Oh?” James raised an eyebrow at me. “I’m listening.”
I wasn’t sure if I wanted to spill my messy past. I’d finally convinced James that I had my shit together…would talking about Dylan make me look like a loser?
But then again, he’d trusted me enough to tell me about Christopher. For whatever reason, the Mercedes sedan was a temporary safe space. A luxury confessional of sorts.
“It’s not as awful as what Christopher went through, but it was still pretty heart-wrenching to me. I fell in love with someone who made me question everything about myself. I went from this confident, can-do person to, well, to a shadow. I realized after the fact that my ex, Dylan, was a gaslighting narcissist, but in the moment, I just thought he was controlling because he loved me so much.” My voice went quiet. “It wasn’t like I had many role models when it came to healthy relationships.”
“Did he ever put his hands on you?” James growled, leaning towards me.
I shook my head. “No, thank god. But towards the end I really thought he might. So I shut up and backed off, just wanting to maintain the status quo. Because I was terrified of losing him.” My voice shook at the memory. Not because I missed Dylan, but because the empty feeling of being on my own was always right there below the surface. I’d stayed with him for way longer than I should've back then, solely because the idea of being alone wrecked me.
“He dumped me,” I said. “Told me I was a loser and no one would ever want me. That I was damaged goods. And I believed him for the longest time.”
“Natalie…”
“You know what’s worse? He found someone else immediately. Like, it was so fast I bet he’d been cheating on me the whole time.” I sniffled. “But I feel bad for her, you know? Because she got pregnant, and now she’s trapped with him forever.”
James didn’t say anything for a minute. He stared out the window, and I felt stupid for sharing my story, because he obviously didn’t feel the need to talk about it.
He finally turned to me, his expression a mix of anger and compassion. “That man was an idiot. For the way he treated you, and for what he made you believe about yourself.”
I let out a harsh breath. “You know what’s weird? I still wonder if I’m to blame. Maybe there’s something broken in me , you know? Maybe I’m replaceable, and he sensed it. That’s probably why he was able to move on so quickly.”
James, to his credit, looked genuinely bewildered. “What are you talking about? That makes absolutely no sense, Natalie.”
I glanced out the window and saw that we still had a long way to go. No matter if I took the train or caught a ride with someone, the trip from Manhattan to my apartment always felt like it took an eternity, and the conversation during this drive was making it feel even longer. I stared out at the Brooklyn Bridge while I gathered my confidence to keep talking. Since we were in full confessional mode, I decided to open up even more.
“No, if you look at my history it sort of makes sense.” I swallowed the emotions welling at the base of my throat and forced myself to keep talking. “I’m a former foster kid. I don’t even remember my parents—they died when I was a baby. My childhood was spent packing up all of my belongings in a Hefty bag and moving from house to house. I didn’t even have a proper suitcase. It made me feel worthless, like I was trash.”
James made a pained noise and reached out to take my hand again. I forced myself not to thread my fingers through his. He was offering me comfort, not intimacy.
“No one ever wanted me to stay.” My voice was a whisper as I admitted my deepest, darkest secret to him. “All those foster homes, and there was only one person who I ever got close to—my foster sister Steph. We’re still best friends and roommates, and I love her more than anything…but it does something to you, growing up knowing that there’s no adult you can turn to. I was a confused, scared, unhappy kid just looking for someone to love her, but I kept getting tossed out the door, over and over. To this day it makes me wonder if I’m not…” I struggled to say it. “Not loveable .”
I cleared my throat to keep from succumbing to the tears welling in my eyes.
“Natalie.” James squeezed my hand. “Look at me.”
I didn’t want him to see the raw emotion I knew was written all over my face. I was embarrassed that I’d confided in him, because the man was my boss . There was no reason for him to get mixed up in my mess. I stared at my lap.
“ Look at me ,” he said a little more forcefully.
I finally composed myself enough to raise my eyes to meet his, and his expression was so tender that I almost didn’t recognize him.
“Unfortunately, you’ve spent your life mostly surrounded by people who didn’t appreciate your special magic. But that’s on them , not you. I hate that you were hurt so badly, and so many times. But the way they treated you shouldn’t define the way you feel about yourself. I know there’s a part of you that’s still hurting, but I also know that you’re willing to fight for yourself. You’re a warrior. You lead with your fists. I know firsthand what you can do with a mop.”
I managed a half-smile.
“Those hurts are in your past. I hope you feel like things are different now. You have a bright future, and people all around you who appreciate you and want to see you succeed.” He paused and placed his other hand on top of mine. “Like me.”
I sniffled, working hard to suppress my sadness. The fact that James was holding my hand barely registered, because I was too focused on not crying.
“The way people treat you is no indication of your worth,” he continued. “It’s a reflection of their shortcomings and hang-ups. Everyone at Branson thinks you’re so special. And I hope you understand that.”
“Everyone at work ,” I said. “But that’s because I always give one hundred and ten percent. I figured out when I was just a kid that if I worked harder than everyone else, I’d get approval from teachers, from my foster parents—from my bosses, eventually. But being useful, being valuable…that’s not the same as being loved or being wanted for me , not just for what I can do.”
“Natalie, I’ve not been honest enough with you,” James said in a low voice. “I said that your colleagues think the world of you, but what I meant is, I do. And not just because of your work. You’re always in my thoughts. Hell, you’re in my dreams. You’re a…a distraction .”
I wasn’t sure how to answer him because he almost sounded upset, like he was angry about the fact that I was in his head.
James turned to me, still clutching my hand. “I’m sorry, but I can’t stop thinking about you, wanting to?—”
“Wanting to what?” I whispered.
“This.” He untangled his hand from mine and leaned towards me slowly, then placed his finger under my chin and drew me closer to him. He paused, his blue eyes scanning my face, giving me the opportunity to back away.
It was pointless because all I’d wanted to do since we sat down next to each other was throw myself at him. The drive had finished the process of revealing a completely different side of James the bosshole, the kinder side of him that his brother had hinted at, that I’d seen glimpses of before.
And I liked him. So much.
I leaned closer until our lips were centimeters apart. Everything would change if we kissed. Absolutely everything. The moment seemed endless while we both waited to see what would happen next.
“You’re killing me,” James finally whispered, placing his hand on the back of my head and gently drawing me to him.
I melted against him as our lips connected. The kiss felt a little desperate, like we couldn’t get enough of the heat coursing through us. I grabbed onto his shirt near the collar, crumpling the fabric in my hand. I wanted to make sure that he couldn’t slip away from me, that he wouldn’t try to break off what we were finally doing.
We were at an awkward angle sitting side by side, and I started to move my leg over his so I could slide onto his lap. I wanted to grind against him, circle my arms around his neck and possess him. I wanted to feel his strong hands clutching my waist, and get lost in his arms.
This kiss, the way our mouths moved in tandem, was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. I felt unhinged with desire, and all I could think was keep going .
And then the car lurched to a stop and the driver rapped on the divider.
We jumped apart in shock. How had we gotten to a low-rent, far-flung neighborhood in Brooklyn so damn quickly?
I touched my fingertips to my lips because they felt electrified and a little tender after just a few minutes of kissing. I wondered what my body would feel like if we’d had more time.
“Um…I guess we’re here,” I said, scrambling to grab my bag.
“Indeed.”
“Thanks for the ride.” I shut my eyes in embarrassment. Worst word choice ever. “I mean, thanks for getting me home safely.”
“Happy to. Can I walk you to your door?” James asked.
I pictured him escorting me up the stairs and then the awkward moment where we had to figure out a way to say goodbye even though we’d just been making out in the back of his Mercedes. This man was my boss ; it didn’t matter that he’d just kissed me like no one else ever. Tomorrow, we were going to be forced to sit across a conference table and pretend that we were just normal colleagues and not two people who desperately wanted to fuck.
Did we, though?
Well, I only knew for a fact that that it was what I wanted, but based on the way James had kissed me, it was a safe bet he was more than willing to get naked with me.
“No, that’s okay!” I finally squeaked out. “It’s a safe neighborhood, I’ll be fine, thanks.”
I hopped out of the car and leaned over to say goodbye. James was staring at me in the half-light, looking hungry enough to pull me back inside to pick up where we’d left off.
And I wished he would.
“See you tomorrow,” I said, still pretending that everything was normal.
James let out a long sigh, as if he realized that I wasn’t going to change my mind. “Yes, you will. Good night, Natalie.”
I slammed the door shut and waited for the car to drive off, but James had clearly instructed the driver to wait until I was inside. I jogged up the walkway and gave a little wave as I darted into my building, and the car finally slid away.
Alone in the tiny lobby, I leaned back against the wall to catch my breath.
How was I going to ever look at that gorgeous mouth of his again and not think about how it felt to have it pressed against mine?