Chapter 29 Paige
Chapter 29
Paige
I had no idea how Grayson could make carrying all my luggage look so easy. When I arrived home, I managed to lift just one of my bags out of the car and bring it to the house. It was bursting with my belongings and weighed a ton. I might have overpacked this one in my rush to gather my things at the Darlings’, fully aware that every second I delayed, the more impatient my mom would become.
As I walked through the front door, the seam of the bag burst open, scattering all its contents across the floor. I cursed under my breath. Even my bag had decided it would prefer to hit its own self-destruct button than be in this house. I supposed I should at least be grateful it had waited until we were inside to call it quits.
“I’m home,” I called as I stooped to clear up the mess. Mom didn’t respond. Instead, I heard her clearing her throat from the kitchen. Whenever she made that sound, I knew I was in trouble. The mess could wait. I should probably face her first.
She was sitting at the kitchen table, and it looked as though she’d been waiting for me. I cringed as she pushed her chair back and stood.
“I’ve been home for over an hour. Where were you?”
Unsurprisingly, she was getting straight to the point. No “I missed you, Paige.” No hug, no kiss on the cheek. Not even a “hello.” Sometimes, I wondered whether my mom might be part robot .
“I was still at the Darlings’. I had to pack my bags.” I straightened my back as I spoke, just in case she felt like berating me over my posture too. The way her mouth formed a tight, thin line, I could tell she wasn’t in the mood to listen to excuses.
“How was your flight back?”
“Fine. But I was expecting you here when I arrived. I had to fish around in the garage for the spare key, which you’d know if you ever checked your messages.”
“My phone died,” I said. “But I’m here now.”
“Yes, you are. And you’d better get started...”
“On . . .”
“College applications.” She tapped one of her long, manicured fingernails against the lid of the laptop on the table in front of her.
“You want me to do that now?”
“Of course I do.”
“But I need to unpack, and Grayson’s game is this afternoon—”
“I don’t care.” My mom folded her arms over her chest. “You’re even further behind with everything than when I left.” She was beginning to raise her voice, which was a serious red flag. Mom was always intimidating by default, she rarely needed to change her expression when she wanted to convey her anger. Something was different today.
“Mom—” I tried to interrupt her, but she didn’t even pause for breath as she continued her rant .
“You’d understand how urgent this is if you’d actually attended the career fair. Or had a meeting with your counselor. I cannot believe you missed it again. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother.”
I often wondered the same. It felt like we’d had this conversation a hundred times before. And every time, I’d nodded along, claimed I understood her concerns, and promised to do what she wanted. But that wasn’t fixing anything. I hadn’t planned for my future yet, because I didn’t know which path I wanted to take. And that was okay. Forcing me to go down a certain route just because she thought it was best was only making everything harder.
“Mom...” I spoke a little louder this time, but there was no stopping her.
“Some of these application deadlines have already passed. More are due this week. I won’t let you mess up your future, it’s too important, so I’m not letting you put this off any longer. You’re not leaving this room until every single one of your applications is complete.”
“No!” The word erupted from me, all my frustration spilling out at once. It wasn’t often I let my temper get the better of me, and I’d even shocked myself with my fierce response. But what else was I supposed to do when she refused to listen to me?
“No?” My mom’s stern expression faltered, but then instantly hardened. “This isn’t a discussion, Paige.”
“You’re right, it isn’t. I’ll apply for colleges if and when I’m ready. Not simply because you’ve forced an application into my hands.”
Mom looked like her head was about to explode. I’d never stood up to her like this before. It was terrifying, but I also felt a sense of lightness in my chest, like I’d unshackled something deep inside.
“You live under my roof, so you’ll do as you’re told,” she said, her voice quieter but no less demanding. “Sit down and get to work.”
She pulled back a chair for me, but I refused to budge. I was done tying myself in knots in order to turn myself into the pretty bow my mother wanted. I’d had a lot of time to think while she’d been away, and it was time she understood that I could make my own choices.
“Paige . . .” She nodded at the chair.
“What’s the point?” I said. “I might not even go to college.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” she scoffed. “You know this is what’s best.”
“I know it’s what you think is best. What about what I want?”
She was silent for about two seconds before she dismissed my words with a sweep of her hand. “You don’t know what you want.”
“No, I don’t,” I agreed. “But that’s okay! You act like it’s the worst thing in the world, but it’s not.”
“You won’t be saying that once you end up doing nothing with your life.”
“Better than ending up like you!”
Suddenly the room went quiet. My mom was stunned into silence. I’d shocked myself again too. Had I meant to say that out loud? Had I meant to yell it at her? I couldn’t be sure, but I took the opportunity to keep going .
“I’m going to find my way, Mom. I truly believe that. But you’ve got to understand that I’m not going to follow the same path you have.”
I’d never seen my mom lost for words before. And while it was nice to finally express my feelings, the surprise on her face was turning to sadness, and I didn’t know what to make of it. Was she still angry? Disappointed? Hurt? Either way, I knew it was time to finally get everything off my chest. She’d been pressuring me for so long that I couldn’t handle it any longer.
“I know you want me to make something of myself,” I continued, keeping my tone a little softer now. “But I’m not like you and Dad. I don’t want the same things. My path isn’t straight and narrow. It’s a winding, uneven trail through the trees. I’m going to get lost occasionally, but I’ll get where I want to go, eventually. You just have to trust me.”
Mom stared at me as I waited for her to respond. But then she did the last thing I expected. She burst into tears.
“Mom?” I whispered as she collapsed back into her chair and lowered her head into her hands. I approached her slowly and cautiously. I’d never seen my mom cry before. I didn’t realize she even knew how. A feeling of guilt rushed through me. I’d wanted to stand up for myself, but I hadn’t wanted to make her cry.
“Sorry, Mom, I didn’t mean . . .”
“No, Paige,” she said, wiping her eyes. “Don’t apologize. It’s okay. You’re right.”
“I-I am?”
“Yes.” She took a deep breath, but it only seemed to release more tears. “You don’t want to end up like me.”
“What are you talking about?”
She looked up, her usually pristine eyeliner slightly smudged, and her face still wet with tears. “I lost my job,” she whispered.
I sunk into the seat at her side. “What? How?”
“Budget cuts.” She shook her head, and her jaw tensed. “They cut the staff in half. I can’t believe it. When they needed to drag me away from my family for weeks on end, I was indispensable. But when the going got tough, I was among the first to go.” She released a dry laugh.
I was almost more surprised to see this vulnerable side to my mom than hearing she’d lost her job. She always seemed so perfectly held together, even when she was stressed and busy. But right now, she looked broken.
“That’s awful, I’m so sorry, Mom.”
“No, I’m sorry, Paige.” She sat up and looked me in the eye. I didn’t know what she was apologizing for, but I could see she meant it. “Ever since I can remember, my goal was to get accepted into the best college possible and find the best job possible. As soon as I set foot on the corporate ladder, I started climbing, and I haven’t stopped. For years, I worked myself into the ground for that company. I missed so much time with you, with your father, with everything. But I was only ever just a number to them. And as soon as the numbers didn’t add up...” Her gaze fell to the floor, and she shook her head again.
“Are you going to be okay?” I asked.
Mom closed her eyes and took a moment before she answered. “Not right now.” When she opened her eyes, she looked at me once more. “But I will be. And I know you will be too.”
“I-I will?”
She nodded. “My path was laid out for me from high school, and look where it’s gotten me. Years of hard work suddenly feels like it was all for nothing. I don’t want you to go through that.”
She took a heavy breath before she continued. “You don’t have to go to college if you don’t want to. You can find your own way through the trees. Discover something that you truly love to do.”
I stared at her in shock. Had she agreed with me? She was looking at me in earnest, her eyes wide and filled with genuine care. She was being vulnerable and open and, for once, I felt I was seeing what my mother hid behind her harsh, cold walls.
“I know I’ve been hard on you about college and planning for the future,” she said. “But I just want you to have options. So, if it ever turns out you’re heading in the wrong direction, you can easily find your way to a better route. I know you don’t want to end up like me. And now I understand why. You need to find your own way. I trust you to do it. But I want you to know, I’m here to help.”
I was lost for words. My mom never backed down, never gave in. I think her motto in life was to win at all costs. Surrender wasn’t an option. But I think, right now, she was legitimately waving a white flag.
I usually blocked out a lot of what my mom said once she started talking about college, but this time I was listening. It finally felt like she was speaking from the heart, rather than just telling me what she thought she was supposed to. It finally felt like she understood where I was coming from.
That’s all I’d ever really wanted from her. But she was also making a lot of sense. I’d never in a million years admit she was right, but keeping my options open might not be the worst idea.
“You have helped me, Mom,” I said. “More than you know.”
“I have?”
“Yeah.” I shrugged. “I mean, I’ve been determined to defy your every wish this year. I had to get that kind of perseverance from somewhere.”
Her tears had cleared up enough that she could firmly glare at me.
I smiled. “But seriously, over the last few months, it might have seemed like I was avoiding my future, but I’ve actually been thinking about it more than ever. Maybe you haven’t seen it, but you’ve pushed me to try countless new things, get out of my comfort zone and search for my path. I might not have found it yet, but I’m getting there. I promise.”
“That’s great, Paige. I’m so glad.”
“And I guess it wouldn’t hurt to apply to a few colleges. Maybe we can work on an application together now.”
“That sounds like a good idea,” she said. “Thank you.” She gave me a smile that was so much warmer than the rigid curve I was used to seeing on her lips. She wiped one last tear from her cheek as she stood. “But there’s no rush. Let’s get your things from the car first, and then you can tell me everything you’ve been up to the last couple of weeks. ”
As she walked from the kitchen, I wondered if perhaps losing her job might end up being the best thing to happen to my mom. Maybe she’d be a little more human and a little less robotic now that she wasn’t working so hard. Maybe things would be better between us.
But then I heard a groan and a yell from the hallway. “Paige! What the hell happened out here? I want this mess cleaned up yesterday!”
Well, perhaps things wouldn’t completely change between us. But it seemed we’d at least taken one step in the right direction today.
I walked out into the hallway and started gathering up my things. Among the scattered clothes and shoes and books, I found my school diary and, as I picked it up, the pink piece of paper with my bucket list written on it fell out. It floated to the floor, but I plucked it from the air.
As I cast my eyes over all the items I’d tried and failed to love, I was surprised to find I didn’t feel angry or upset or disappointed. I’d done all these things because my parents had made me feel like I needed to decide what I was going to do with my life now. And, unlike them, I wanted to make sure I was doing something I loved. But over the last two weeks I’d realized that it was okay not to have an immediate plan. It was okay if you didn’t have everything figured out. Because sometimes life threw something at you that was better than anything you could ever have dreamed up anyway. My first kiss was proof of that .
As I stared at the item at the bottom of my bucket list, I thought about ticking it off. My fingers itched to reach for a pen and finally mark it complete. But instead, in one swift movement, I tore the list in two.
I grinned as I let the pieces fall to the floor.
I was done making lists, and I was done trying to find all the answers today.
I was ready to see what life threw at me and make the best of it.
But first, I was going to sit down with my mom and fill out a college application form.