Chapter Sixteen #3
He started to move to the door but a few words from Kellington stopped him. “But I do,” she said firmly. “Sit down, Julian. Please.”
He paused and, sighing heavily, moved for the nearest chair. Addington tried to stay away from him even though she knew he would never harm her in any fashion, but an angry Julian was a frightening thing. She didn’t want him pulling hair or pinching, as he used to do when they were young.
He still wasn’t beyond such things at times.
“What is it?” he said as he sank back in the chair, putting fingers to his forehead as if to rub away the headache that was sure to come. “Say what you will and get it over with.”
Kellington watched her son as he massaged his forehead, his unhappiness at the subject matter radiating from him like a fog.
“I have heard your side of the story regarding what happened at Felkington,” she said.
“I have heard what Addie has to say, also, and I must say that the two versions differ tremendously.”
Julian sighed sharply. “What does it matter?” he said, looking to both his mother and his sister. “What does any of this matter? It is my life and I do not need or want any interference.”
He caught Addington’s eyes and she frowned.
“Julian, I do not understand how you cannot admit when you are wrong,” she said.
“You thought you saw Lista and Louis in an embrace and I told you that he was carrying her because she hurt her ankle. That is the only reason he had her in his arms – so he could help her. What was he supposed to do? Leave her on the ground?”
Julian’s jaw ticked dangerously. “I’ve heard the lies before, Addie,” he growled. “I will not believe them again.”
“Even if they are the truth?” Addington fired back. “You are blind, Julian, and what’s worse is that your foolishness is of your own making. You created this misery for yourself because you created a situation in your mind that does not exist.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Neither do you!” Addington said. “That’s the problem – neither do you but you’re too stubborn to admit it!”
Julian looked at her, his eyes flashing. “Don’t tell me what to think.”
“Lista was falling in love with you, you idiot!”
They were starting to shout and Kellington put her hand up to silence them both. Frustrated, Addington turned away while Julian sat there and clenched his teeth.
“Julian,” Kellington said quietly. “A wise and reasonable man would have asked for an explanation of what he saw. Addie seems to think that Lista and Louis de Rhos are honorable people. Would they not tell you the truth if you asked?”
Julian wouldn’t look at her. “Why should they?” he said. “There is sport in making me the butt of jokes.”
“But how would they know that?” Kellington said. “More importantly, what do they have to gain by doing it? You seem to think they are out to punish you or humiliate you for some reason, but my question would be why? What would be their motivation?”
Julian hissed and stood up, abruptly. “You just do not understand.”
“Sit down, Julian.”
It was not a request. Julian sat back down but he perched on the edge of the chair, refusing to look at his mother.
“As I was saying,” Kellington continued.
“They have no reason to make a fool of you. Addie says that Lady Lista is falling in love with you, so why would she want to humiliate you? When you were told she’d hurt her ankle, did you even look after her to see if she was well?
She could have hurt herself quite badly and de Rhos was the only one available to help her.
Does that mean they were deliberately trying to humiliate you? ”
Julian’s jaw ticked faintly. “Mayhap not.”
Kellington leaned forward, folding her hands on the tabletop. “Tell me exactly what you saw that led you to believe they were carrying on behind your back.”
Julian was starting to calm but he was still grinding his teeth. He didn’t want to answer his mother, but he knew that wouldn’t end well. She’d break him down and force him to answer in the end. Therefore, it was easier to simply get it over with.
“I came through the garden gate,” he muttered. “There is an archway in the garden that leads to the vineyard. Through that archway, I could see them with their arms around each other.”
“Were they standing?”
“De Rhos was.”
“Where was Lady Lista?”
Julian shrugged. “At his feet,” he said. “Mayhap she was sitting.”
“Or mayhap he was picking her up from the ground where she fell.”
Julian didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to because the logic was sound. He knew it so there was no sense fighting it. Kellington watched her son’s profile for a moment.
“Julian, I know you’ve been bullied in your life,” she said quietly.
“I know there are people who have betrayed you and I know that is why you protect yourself. But you are going to protect yourself into a celibate and lonely life. I know it is difficult to trust people, but you must learn to do that. You must learn that not everyone is out to hurt you. I do not believe Lady Lista or Sir Louis were out to hurt you, but by your behavior towards them, you have hurt them a great deal. You have become the very thing you hate – rigid, cruel, and judgmental. Do you understand that?”
Julian shook his head, briefly, closing his eyes as if there were a sharp pain somewhere in his torso. His entire face rippled with pain.
“I know what I saw,” he finally said.
“Do you?” Kellington fired back softly. “Or did you just assume?”
He did look at her, then. “I saw the woman I wanted to court in the arms of another man,” he said. “I’d lowered my guard and was knocked back for having that trust. Now you are telling me I must learn to trust people?”
Kellington could see he wasn’t going to relinquish what he considered the last vestiges of his control over his version of events.
“You are trying so hard to protect yourself that you are going to strangle yourself with your good intentions,” she said.
“Long ago, your father had to learn to trust me. He’d grown up not trusting anyone, so it was very difficult for him.
But he did not regret it. As it turned out, it was the best thing he ever did.
All I am asking you to do is give Lady Lista that same opportunity. ”
“I may regret it.”
“You may not regret it, too. Is she not worth the risk?”
Julian’s focus drifted to Lista. He’d tried so hard not to think of her that when thoughts of her came flooding back, so did the angst and confusion and hope.
So many things swirling in his chest. He could see Lista’s smile and hear her laughter, the silly way she had of flirting with him that made him feel giddy. Like he was the only man in the world.
Was regaining all of that worth the risk?
It was.
But he was terrified.
“I thought she was worth everything,” he finally said. “I was willing to risk everything. In a sense, I did. I let her get under my skin and I’ve never let anyone do that before.”
Addington, listening to what seemed like a break in Julian’s harsh stance, stepped forward.
“Julian, you know I would never lie to you,” she said beseechingly. “Have I not always been your greatest protector?”
Julian looked at his younger sister. They were very close and he knew her heart, and she had always been fiercely protective of him. She was annoying and pesky at times, but she loved him.
He knew that.
“You have,” he said.
“Then believe me when I say that if I thought for one moment that Lista and Louis were lying, I would be the first one to condemn them,” she said.
“I would tell you to run away and stay away. I would do what Papa did and put them on pikes so the birds could pluck out their eyeballs. Therefore, please believe me when I say that I believed them when they said nothing untoward happened. Lista hurt her ankle and Louis was simply helping her. I would not tell you this if it were not true.”
Julian’s gaze lingered on her and he could feel his guard lowering.
As much as he wanted to continue his stubborn stance, even he knew that it was only because he was hurt.
Shocked by what he had seen, he’d assumed the worst. That was the bullied, frightened young boy in him.
The one who didn’t want to be hurt again and again.
But maybe that young boy had been wrong this time.
The realization made him feel sick.
“You know that I trust you, Addie,” he finally said, unable to look at her. “I know you would not deceive me.”
“Nay, I would not.”
He looked at her then. His broad shoulders lifted helplessly. “What should I do now?”
Addington breathed a sigh of relief, looking to her mother for guidance, but Kellington was fixed on Julian.
“Go back to Felkington,” Kellington said without hesitation. “Go back and apologize for behaving rashly. Even if she does not accept your apology, at least you made it. That is what a mature, reasonable man would do. It is what your father would have done.”
Now that Julian had realized he may have been wrong, all he could feel was remorse. Remorse and the slightest bit of panic. Addington had been absolutely right – he had been feeling something for Lista, probably more than he realized, which was why he had reacted so badly.
“Leave when the sun rises,” Addington said.
“I spoke to Louis after you left… he was very offended, Julian. He said that you did not deserve Lista and I fear that his resentment will cause him to pursue her even though he told you that he would not, so you cannot wait. You must return as soon as possible.”
Julian looked at her. “What else did he say?”
Addington was reluctant to tell him. “I said that you were a good man,” she said. “I told him that you had been hurt before and you were keen to protect yourself, but he said a good man would not have done what you did. A good man would not have been so quick to judge.”
Julian’s gaze lingered on her for a moment before he finally shook his head. “And he would be correct,” he said quietly. “A wise man would not have reacted so abruptly, but I am not yet a wise man. I can be rash and stupid. Mama, I think you were right.”
Kellington stood up from her chair. “About what?”
Julian watched her come around the end of the table.
“You said that when Papa told me that I must find my greatness, mayhap he really meant that I must find my happiness,” he said.
“I do not know why that never occurred to me. I always thought he meant becoming the greatest warrior in the north, a great leader, someone well-esteemed like Cole. But mayhap that’s not where I shall find my greatness.
My path is different from my brother’s.”
“Indeed, it is,” Kellington said. “If you realize that, then you are indeed growing as a man. That is all your father wanted for you, Julian. To not be afraid of life. To embrace it and to find your happiness. Even if it is not with Lista, you must give yourself that chance and not be afraid of it.”
Julian hung his head even as he nodded. “I realize that,” he said. Then he forced a smile, but it was a nervous smile. “It is difficult to allow myself to be vulnerable. I will admit that to you, but to no one else. You have always seemed to understand me better than Papa ever did.”
Kellington put her hand on his cheek. “He understood you more than you know,” she said.
“You are his son with a tender heart, deep feeling and compassionate. Cole and Cassian cannot claim that, but you can. Whatever your greatness is, Julian, I have confidence that you will find it. Mayhap it is at Felkington. You will never know unless you try.”
Julian nodded. Kellington kissed him on the cheek and left the solar, leaving Addington still there, still watching her brother, who seemed to be summoning his courage to return to Felkington and face what he had done.
She took a few steps towards him.
“Do you want me to go with you?” she asked. “Back to Felkington?”
Julian turned to her. “Nay,” he said, though he was smiling. “Ever my champion, Addie, but I must do this on my own.”
Addington smiled at him. “May I give you some advice?”
“Why not?”
Addington sobered. “Appeal to Lista,” she said softly. “I do believe she is falling in love with you, so appeal to her growing feelings for you. Show her what I know – show her what a good man you are. I know she will make you happy, Julian. You must give her that chance.”
He sobered, too. “I will,” he said. “And thank you… for everything, Addie. I do not know where I would be without you.”
Addington grinned as she turned away. “Lonely and bitter,” she said. “No one else will pester you like I do until you have a wife, although Mama will try. But she does not pester as well as I do.”
“That is very true. You are annoying.”
“And you are dense.”
“I love you, Addie.”
Addington paused at the chamber door, giggling. “And I love you,” she said. “But you are an idiot sometimes.”
Julian just stood there and chuckled because she was quite correct. He really was an idiot sometimes. But he intended to change that if he could.
If Lista would allow it.
He was going to find out.