Chapter Eighteen #2
“Nay,” she said after a moment. “I have no desire to put a fist in your nose, nor do I have any intention of spouting off angry words. I know why you left, Julian. Addington told me. I suppose that I should be furious that you thought I was capable of such deceit and, to be truthful, I was quite irate when I first learned of it. But I am not irate any longer. I’ve had time to think about it and I’m sorry that others have hurt you so badly that you thought the worst when you saw Louis helping me stand.
It was a polite action and nothing more, I swear it. ”
Julian let out a grunt of disbelief. “You are apologizing to me?” he said, incredulous.
“Lista, you have nothing to apologize for. God’s Bones, woman, why would you even do such a thing?
I am the one in the wrong here which is why I suspect de Rhos went after me.
I was so very wrong and I behaved horribly.
I would beg for your forgiveness but I do not blame you if you do not wish to give it. I am not entirely sure I deserve it.”
Lista smiled timidly. “I forgave you long ago,” she said. “You needn’t worry about me.”
Julian could hardly believe it. He thought he was going to spend the day on his knees, at the very least, begging for her understanding and the fact that she forgave him so easily had his head spinning.
He shook his head in wonder.
“Is there really such forgiveness in this world?” he murmured. “Is there really a woman of such grace, of such understanding, that she would absolve me of my horrible deeds so easily? Truly, Lista, I do not deserve it but God bless you for being so merciful.”
Tears were starting to pool in Lista’s eyes as she looked at him. Battered, emotionally scarred Julian could hardly believe there was forgiveness for him. It only underscored the trials and tribulations the man must have had to go through in his life, of the unjust people he surely must have known.
Poor, sweet Julian.
But he’d found his forgiveness now, as easily as if the transgression had never happened.
It was at that moment that the healing between them began, something that patched any cracks in their budding relationship.
If there was mercy, there was hope, and they both had an abundance of hope.
Just as Lista took a step towards Julian, and he towards her, Louis suddenly lurched to his feet.
“That is not why I struck you,” he said, slurring through his swollen mouth.
“I struck you because you do not deserve this good woman, yet you have returned and she will fall into your arms regardless of what you have done. I struck you because she seems to think you are more worthy than I am. I struck you because you judged my act of compassion without even knowing the facts. I thought we were becoming friends, de Velt, but you severed that infant friendship without any reason whatsoever. I struck you because you deserved it.”
Julian was out of arm’s length, but Louis was so badly beaten that he probably couldn’t have taken much more of anything. Julian was quite certain he could topple the man with little effort.
But nothing he said was untrue.
“I know,” he said simply. “I judged you badly, Louis, and I am deeply sorry for it. Mayhap you are not in a forgiving mood now, but mayhap you will be someday. I hope you will reflect upon the short time we spent together and the pleasant conversations we had and realize I had simply made an error in judgment, one that you did not deserve. It was my own insecurity that caused me to behave that way and although it is a weak excuse, it is the truth. You are a decent man and there aren’t many of those in this world. I recognize that.”
Louis wiped at his mouth, clumsily. “Up until this moment, I did not think you were a man of good character after what happened,” he said. “But it seems to me that only a man of good character would recognize his failings.”
“I hope so.”
“Did you return to apologize and claim Lista?”
Julian looked at Lista. Her gaze was moving nervously between him and Louis. “Only if she’ll have me,” Julian said, the warmth in his eyes reflecting the emotion he was feeling for her. “But after this, I would not blame her if she would not.”
Louis snorted, an ironic sound. “I suspect that is something you need not worry over,” he said. “I asked permission to court her, you know. After you left, I went to her mother and asked. I was given permission, though by whom is debatable. Nonetheless, by rights, she is mine to court.”
The warmth faded from Julian’s eyes as he looked at him. “Then it is little wonder that my return was an unwelcome sight.”
“Unwelcome, indeed. But in hindsight, not entirely unexpected.”
That bit of news put a new light on the situation and the warmth and hope in Julian’s eyes went out completely. He felt sick in the pit of his stomach to realize that Louis had jumped his claim on Lista. His delay in asking permission to court her had cost him. Now, that right belonged to Louis.
He remembered his conversation with Addington when she told him that she feared Louis might pursue Lista simply out of anger and it seemed that his little sister had been correct. Until this moment, he’d held out hope that it hadn’t happened, but now he knew the truth.
He’d lost.
Everything.
“Then I will not interfere,” he said, though he nearly choked on every word.
“As a man of honor, I will surrender any claim or intentions I had towards the lady. You were correct when you said that I did not deserve her. I am a most unworthy man of such a magnificent woman. You are worthy, de Rhos, and not just because you are the son of an earl. You are a man of integrity and I respect that. Pray… be good to her. And do not think too poorly of me in the years to come.”
With that, he turned away, looking for his horse, feeling a lump in his throat as he did so. Although it was well and good to return to Felkington to seek forgiveness, it was clear that was all he could seek. He’d made a mistake and Lista was now spoken for.
But not to him.
His horse was several feet away, grazing on a patch of fat, wet grass, so Julian headed in that direction.
Tears began to fill his eyes because behind him, he could hear weeping and he knew it was Lista.
She was weeping for him, for what they could have had.
For what would never be. Blindly, Julian grabbed for his horse’s reins, desperate to get clear of Felkington before he broke down completely.
He had to get out of there before he lost himself.
“Julian, wait.”
Louis was calling after him and he staggered to a halt, making sure there were no tears on his face before turning around to see that Lista was wiping the tears from her cheeks. Louis looked at her, his swollen face registering concern.
Compassion.
When Louis spoke, it was to Lista.
“Part of courtship is understanding if you and the lady you wish to court are fond of one another,” he said.
“I know that you were fond of Julian before you ever met me. I know that you wished for him to court you. You told me yourself. Had you not forgiven him when he came seeking your grace, this would not have been an issue. But clearly, you have forgiven him. As much as I want you to be fond of me and not him, I cannot in good conscience push this courtship any further. You would be miserable and I could not be the cause of it. I would much rather see you happy, even if it is at my own expense.”
Lista wiped the tears from her chin. “Do you mean that?”
“As difficult as it is for me to say it, I do.”
Lista stared at him a moment as if waiting for him to change his mind, but he simply looked at her. There was regret in his expression, but he wouldn’t go back on his word. When she realized this, a smile spread across her lips.
“Louis,” she said, reaching out to put a soft hand on his battered face. “That is the greatest gift you could give me. You have given me back my happiness and, for that, I shall always be grateful.”
Louis forced a smile, feeling her warm hand against his face and knowing it would be the one and only time he would feel her flesh against his. But he wasn’t sorry. He knew he’d done the right thing.
“Prove it to me by being truly and deliriously joyful all the days of your life,” he said, turning to look at Julian, who was standing there in shock. “And take care of that big dolt. He needs it.”
Julian was indeed in shock. His gaze was fixed on Louis in disbelief.
“Never has anyone done something so completely selfless for me,” he finally said.
“I do not deserve it, but I will strive to be worthy of that gift. My heart may belong to Lista, but my sword and loyalty belong to you. Whatever you need, Louis, truly… all you need do is send word to me. I will come.”
Louis smiled weakly. “One de Velt brother already had a woman taken from him by a de Rhos,” he said.
“I could not repeat history. Take her and welcome her, Julian. When I marry, I want it to be a woman who looks at me the way Lista looks at you. I know that now. I was trying to force something that would have made us all miserable.”
“It is a wise man who realizes his follies.”
“If you realized yours, I can realize mine.”
Julian smiled at the man. He couldn’t help it. Louis smiled in return, as much as his swollen mouth would allow, and moved away from Lista, heading off to find his horse who had bolted away during the fight. As Louis wandered down the road, calling for his steed, Julian turned to Lista.
One moment he was looking at her and in the next, she was in his arms.
He didn’t know how it happened, only that it had.
The first real touch, the first real embrace, and the first real kiss all came together in a clash of flesh and blood and emotion.
Julian could feel Lista alternately weeping and giggling as he kissed her furiously, realizing that he was weeping and giggling, too.
It was joy.
It was bliss.
It was all things delirium.
In the arms of Lista de la Mere, Julian found his everything.