Chapter Twenty
The trip south seemed oddly faster than the trip north. Perhaps it was because Mathias was moving much quicker than he had on the ride north, as if he was being trailed by Scots and was working as hard as he could to put distance between his wife and danger.
Whatever the case, they left her brown palfrey behind and rode double astride his muscular silver charger because Mathias didn’t want to have to worry about his wife on a separate horse.
He wanted her with him, and on an animal he trusted.
But most importantly, they kept the otter bottled up so he could not escape and run off, costing them valuable time.
Cathlina had him swaddled up like a babe in her arms, and the otter rode fairly contentedly that way.
No amount of pleading or arguing could convince her to leave Midgy behind.
Mathias had tried, Sebastian had even tried, but ultimately she refused to leave her pet.
She was upset enough that Mathias was taking her home and, in truth, he didn’t have the heart to forcibly remove her from her pet, so he let the beast come along purely to keep her happy.
But Cathlina wasn’t happy. She was miserable at the thought of being separated from Mathias, especially since he was evidently heading towards a massive battle, Scots against Scots, with the English participating purely for their own benefit.
Mathias, her sweet Mathias, was in the middle of it.
When they had come north, she knew why and she knew that he would be involved in military operations, but she had no idea the reality of it.
A concept was one thing but the reality was quite different.
The knowledge of it all was overwhelming her.
Mathias knew this and it ate at him. Cathlina had become increasingly distant from him since they had left Kinghorn to the point where they would ride for hours and not speak to one another.
He tried to break the ice, to engage her in conversation, but she would barely answer him or not at all.
She was nothing like the adorable chatterbox he had come to know.
She was sullen and withdrawn no matter what he tried to do to break her out of it.
Her behavior was tearing him all to pieces.
On the fifth day on the road to Carlisle, they entered Langholm near sunset.
The river was flowing softly by the familiar town and the smells of cooking fires hung heavy in the air.
It was the magical time of twilight and Mathias headed for the same inn where he and Cathlina had stayed on their way to Edinburgh.
He hoped it would break her from her mood with only good memories associated with it.
At that point, he was willing to give anything a try.
The man at the tavern remembered them and rented them the same cottage for the night.
Mathias ordered a meal to be sent to them as Cathlina took her satchel, and the otter, and headed for the cottage down the narrow path towards the river.
Midgy, smelling his home, leapt from her arms and immediately dove into the muddy river, swimming happily.
Cathlina watched him for a few moments as Mathias unlatched the cabin door and took their possessions inside.
As Mathias started a fire, Cathlina remained outside, watching the otter play. There were other otters around, now coming out to join in the fun. As Cathlina stood there and observed, Mathias came out of the cottage and walked up behind her.
“You must be exhausted,” he said softly. “Come inside and rest awhile. Our meal should be down shortly.”
Cathlina shook her head, watching Midgy play. “I am not tired,” she said.
Mathias sighed faintly. “Cathlina,” he murmured. “Love, it has been days since you have spoken civilly to me. I realize you are upset. I am upset, but I do not want to spend my last few days with you in tense silence. Please do not shut me out. I cannot bear it.”
Cathlina’s gaze was still on the otter but she could feel his words like stabs to her heart. Her eyes began to fill with tears and before she realized it, they were pouring down her cheeks. Pain filled her, such as she had never known.
“This has all happened so fast,” she whispered, lips trembling.
“We have been living a fool’s dream, Mathias.
We married hastily, we ran from my father to Scotland so that you could restore your honor as a knight, and now we are returning home again, only I will be returning home in shame and you will be returning to Scotland to fight for glory.
You have no right to take me home and leave me there alone to bear the shame for what we have done. It is cowardly.”
Mathias’ jaw ticked as he struggled not to become overwhelmed with emotion. “I am taking you home for your own safety,” he said. “How many times do I have to tell you that? Would you rather stay in Scotland where your life would be in danger every minute of every day?”
“Why not?” she whirled on him, shouting.
“Why not? Your life is in danger every minute of every day, so why not mine? You married me because you wanted to share your life with me, but you are not. You are casting me aside like so much rubbish because you do not want to be bothered with me. Your glory and your restoration of honor are far more important. I was convenient to you until a few days ago, until you learned what de Beaumont wanted from you, and now I am inconvenient so you are returning me where you found me.”
He looked at her, horrified. “Is that what you think?” he asked, incredulous. “That I find you convenient or inconvenient depending upon my whim?”
“Aye, I do,” she said, now in his face and matching him outrage for outrage.
“There could be no other reason for taking me back to England. While you are at it, you should pin a note to my chest that says how sorry you are for taking me without permission but now that you are on your way to being a great knight again, you no longer have need of me.”
He was pale with bewilderment and anger. “That is a horrible thing to say.”
Cathlina wouldn’t back down. The tears were falling with a vengeance.
“I was a comfort and companion to you when you were just a smithy,” she sobbed.
“You loved me and found me charming, and all was well. But now that you are a soldier again, you no longer have need of me. I wish you were just a smithy again, Mathias. I hate the selfish warrior who loves battle more than he loves me.”
He stared at her, astonished. She couldn’t have done more damage than if she had stabbed him through the heart. Perhaps that physical pain would have been preferable to the emotional pain he was feeling at the moment.
“You once told me that you did not care if I was a smithy, a dishonored knight, or the bloody King of England,” he said softly. “All you cared about was that we were man and wife.”
She jabbed a finger at him. “I said that all I cared about was that we were together,” she said. “Mathias, when you take me back to England, we will not be together. You will achieve your knightly redemption without me by your side. Is this really what you intended all along?”
Mathias sincerely didn’t know what to say to her. He didn’t want to admit that some of her words made some sense. He didn’t want to acknowledge it.
“I love you, Cathlina,” he said hoarsely, looking lost and defeated. “I am so sorry you feel this way, but it is not the truth. I swear to God, it is not the truth.”
She wept painfully, turning her back on him.
“Take me home, Mathias,” she wept bitterly.
“Take me home and then return to Scotland. But when your battles are over and your glory is restored, do not come for me. I do not want you to. I will never be the thing you love most in this world; your vocation and your world as a knight will. I will always come second.”
Mathias could hardly breathe for the pain in his heart. In fact, he put a hand over his chest as if to hold in the anguish. He simply couldn’t believe what he was hearing.
“What can I do to prove to you that you are the most important thing to me?” he begged softly. “Tell me what to do and I will do it.”
Cathlina wiped at her face, clearing room for the new tears that were falling. She shook her head. “You will not do it.”
“You cannot know that unless you tell me what it is.”
She sniffled. “Do not go back to Scotland,” she said.
“Come back with me to Brampton and resume your life as a smithy. Forget you were ever a knight and let us live simply and without violence. Let us go back to those first days of our acquaintance when the world was so new and bright, and there were no battles to interfere in our world. I want it to be like that, always.”
He sighed heavily and hung his head, mulling over her statement. “Is that what it will take?”
“Aye.”
“You are asking me to leave my father and brother and friend behind, men who are depending on me to do what I said I would. They are depending on me to fight with them.”
“I am depending on you to be my husband.”
“I cannot do both?”
“You can if you take me back to Scotland with you so we are not separated.”
“I will not put you in danger.”
“Then you have a choice. Give up de Beaumont’s wars and return with me, or go fight for the Scots and forget you ever had a wife.”
Mathias found himself weak with emotion, with the overwhelming stress of what she was saying. She was giving him no choice at all. He couldn’t understand why she didn’t see that.