22. Harry
“Harry?” Benji asks me warily. He has basically been tiptoeing around me ever since I turned up at his door a week or so ago and told him that I needed to stay because everything has fallen apart. I don’t think he really knows what the hell to do with me. “Do you need anything? Food, drink, a bandage change?”
I shake my head in response. It’s far too difficult for me to bother forming words these days. I don’t even know if my voice box works. It kinda shut down the moment I learned that I shot Petra’s father and killed him all because of that asshole, Jake. I can’t believe I got fooled like that. It’s horrible.
I have wrecked everything, ruined my life and hers. There’s no going back. Not from this. Every single time I close my eyes, I see that moment occurring over and over again, and it’s honestly killing me. I can’t stand it. To know that my emotions got the better of me in such a way is terrible.
That’s why I left the hospital way before they told me to and why I came here. The theory was that being with a friend would be better than being alone… but now, I’m not so sure. I want to wallow in peace.
“Max wants to come and see you again, Harry,” Benji continues. “He’s worried about you and wants to talk to you about the job. I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be able to put him off.”
“I’m not going back.” This couch of Benji’s has become my fucking sanctuary. I can’t move off it, and certainly not to go back to a job which caused all of that to happen. “I can’t. I’m leaving.”
“Leaving? What do you mean, leaving?” Benji sits in the chair opposite me. I’m well aware that I might be making him uncomfortable in his own home, but moving myself from this position has become an impossible task. I can’t do it however much I want to. “Where are you going to go?”
“I don’t know, but I can’t live here anymore. Not knowing what I have done. It’s too much.”
I turn my head away from Benji. I don’t like the idea of him or anyone else seeing me like this. It definitely isn’t me, but I don’t know how to drag myself out of this pit. I’m stuck in it. The shock of that whole event has me cornered. I know now that I shouldn’t have gone into it alone, especially with so many emotions involved. It really did make me act irrationally. None of that should have happened.
Petra’s father should be alive, she shouldn’t be harmed, and all of this is because of me. I will blame myself forever and never be able to forgive myself for what happened. I honestly don’t know if I will ever be the same man again. The Harry who picked Petra up to go to the safehouse is no more.
“We should talk about it, Harry,” Benji pleads. “That way, it might make you feel better.” I give him nothing. I honestly don’t know what else he was expecting. “At least talk about you and Petra. Please.”
“I can’t,” I admit. “I can’t talk about her because it’s too much, Benji. I fucked up really badly.”
All of this has made me realize one very important thing. Love is not for me. The first time I thought that I had found it, but it was nothing. All a lie. My wife never really belonged to me, nor did my child. The second time, which might not have been love—I suppose we weren’t in one another’s lives long enough for that, but it was sure as hell intense… well, I shot her father. I put her life in danger and killed her dad.
Not much could be more of a feelings killer than that. So, seriously, I’m done.
“Have you even spoken to her, Harry? Because I know you’ve been ignoring her calls.”
“I don’t want to talk to anyone. I can’t. Why don’t you understand that, Benji?” I hate myself. I’m horrified at what happened because of me. “I just want to sleep this shit off. I don’t want to feel it anymore.”
“Mate, we have all made mistakes. We have all done things that we aren’t proud of, but that doesn’t mean you give up. No one blames you for what happened. Everyone would have done the same in your position. The whole thing was fucked up. That Jake guy… well, let’s just say that it’s a good thing he and his asshole cronies are all locked up because everyone would be gunning for them for what they did.”
“I’m the one who left Petra on the island,” I remind him. “I left her in danger, despite what Max told me, and she was kidnapped. I’m the one who pulled the trigger on her father. People should blame me.”
“But, Harry, Max was wrong, wasn’t he? Someone had been on the island. The hat was planted, and you knew it. This is what I mean about your gut instincts. They never let you down. Plus, if you hadn’t led the cops to the warehouse, then there is no telling what might have happened.”
I can’t hear the compliments. I don’t want them. It doesn’t really matter what I did right. I can’t help but focus on what went wrong. I don’t suppose anyone will ever understand that, so all Benji is really doing is pushing me further into my isolated hole. He’s reminding me that I don’t deserve anything.
“I’m leaving today,” I declare to conclude the conversation. “I just need some time to rest.” Thankfully, Benji doesn’t mention the fact that I haven’t stood up in days. “I will pack my stuff and go. I don’t know where I’m going before you ask me that one. I just know that I need to leave right now.”
Benji argues with me for a while, but I simply squeeze my eyes tight and say nothing back. Eventually, either he leaves or I fall asleep, I don’t quite know which one, but it brings me the blissful silence that I need. I really am going to have to find some peace before I try and start again. It’s going to be one hell of an upheaval, but it’ll be worth it to try and outrun this guilt. I can’t live in it forever. Can I?
Petra’s face consumes me. I swim in her beauty, in her body. We’re staring lovingly into one another’s eyes, declaring feelings that we probably shouldn’t have just yet but have somehow managed to develop in the short time that we have known one another. A part of me thinks we just know, and it’s something instinctive we can’t control. Another bit of me puts it down to the intensity of our situation.
Being around danger has sped up everything, and now we are happy and in love. Love has never felt like this before. I can’t get enough of this warm, intoxicating, delicious sensation. I never want it to stop.
The next moment, I am buried deep inside her, lost in the magnitude of what her body does to me, knowing with utter certainty that it won’t ever be like this again. We had this once, for a glorious second, and as much as I savored every moment, it doesn’t feel like enough. I want to redo everything.
But then her eyes change. I can see the red-hot hatred consuming her, swimming through her, almost drowning her. She watches me pull the trigger and take her father’s life. She wants me dead too, and I know I deserve it. Happily, I know I’ll sacrifice myself to her, but she won’t let me. She doesn’t want me to get off that easily. Petra wants me tormented, tortured, taken to the edge of what I can handle and then killed.
I beg with her, or at least I try to, but my voice box has vanished. I can’t express how sorry I am, how much I want to make things up to her, how I want things to return to normal. How I love her so much.
I reach out to try and hold Petra, but she slides easily through my fingers like grains of sand. I can’t keep hold of her no matter what I try. She’s lost to me, and I only have myself to blame for it. I might want to cling to her for the rest of my existence, but she won’t let me. She doesn’t want me.
I break. Piece by piece, I fall apart. It’s sharp, each shard agony, but I don’t fight it. I won’t. I can’t. I absolutely have to crack to see if there is anything left to put me back together. If not, then I will succumb easily and fade to the dust, into nothingness. I won’t even fight it. I will accept whatever comes my way…
“Harry.” I begin shaking hard, from side to side, rocking. It’s pulling me away from everything, taking me before I can really see the outcome. I don’t want to go, but the voice is too strong. “Harry, come on.”
I blink a few times before I realize that was all a dream and I’m now waking up. No, being woken up by someone calling my name over and over again. As I push myself up into half a sitting position, cheers erupt around me. This isn’t just one person, but a few. Benji has been joined by a bunch of other people.
Max, and some of the guys from the security work, and other Navy SEALs as well. I’m stunned to the core. I don’t know if this is a reunion or an intervention, but it sets me on an emotional rollercoaster.
“What the fuck is going on?” I croak out. “This is a rude as shit awakening.”
“Sounds like you’ve been sleeping for too long,” Max jumps in. “It’s time to take you out.”
I glance around at everyone, oddly touched that these men have all made such an effort to come and see me. That’s really awesome of them. I know they all have busy lives, so this is a lot. So, as much as I couldn’t think of anything worse right now than going out, I know these people deserve some effort for me. Plus, the Navy SEALs definitely aren’t the sort of people I can say no to, anyway. Not that they are bad people, but if they think they’re doing the right thing for me, they can be forceful. I will be out tonight whether I make the effort or not, so I might as well do what I can to make the best of it.
“I guess I have no choice.” I laugh. “Whether I want to or not.”
The light-hearted way that I take this allows them to all loosen up and start making jokes. I’m told by numerous different friends that if I don’t get my ass in the shower soon, they will take me, which I know isn’t just an empty threat, so I jump up and leave the room immediately.
It’s kinda nice to know that even at my lowest, I still have people who think I’m worthwhile. Benji will have told them what happened, but they are the sort of people who will all understand. It doesn’t make it any better, and I know I won’t be able to shake it off with ease, but the knowledge that I’m not actually by myself helps. I have friends. I am cared for. I wanted to run, but right at the moment, I don’t want to go anywhere. I can decide what the future holds tomorrow. Right now, I’m going to enjoy my friends.