Chapter Twenty-Four – Castien
Chapter Twenty-Four
Castien
The only way I can ignore the passing of time is if I stay in sentry mode.
In this state, I exist without the weight of hours or days pressing on me.
Time doesn’t pass the way it does for creatures made of flesh and bone.
I’m aware, but I use minimal energy. My processors run at their lowest capacity.
I stand upright against the wall in the Quiet Room, still, conscious but not living.
Three months have gone by like this.
After I said goodbye to Jessa after a meticulous debriefing and watched her walk away with her inheritance secured and her future bright, I came straight here.
Brother Tolliver was waiting. We went through the confession protocol the way we always do.
I knelt at the docking station, exposed the port at the nape of my neck, let the cable connect.
I verbalized my sins one by one – every detail, touch, and every moment I coveted her flesh and helped myself to it.
None of it could be purged. The deletion protocol ran, but the files remained. We tried again, and again. Brother Tolliver’s shift ended and he had to leave, but I refused to go. Days passed, we kept trying, but got the same result each time. The memories stayed locked in my Aether Core.
Eventually, I gave up trying.
I asked for deactivation at least a dozen times. The director himself told me decommissioning is out of the question, especially since I won’t explain why I want it. After two weeks, another steel seraph needed the Quiet Room, but I refused to budge. He had to go to another MSA branch.
I became an obstacle. I don’t care.
In sentry mode, my mind goes in circles. I dream, or this must be what dreaming feels like for humans. The memories play like recordings, over and over, until I know every detail by heart. These are the images that refuse to be purged, the moments with Jessa that my artificial heart won’t release.
I see her sitting on the edge of the bed in the medieval bedroom, legs spread wide, fingers working between her thighs.
She never took her eyes off me while she touched herself.
Her hand moved faster when I removed the steel plate and she saw my cock for the first time.
She said it was gorgeous, perfect, orgasming just from the sight of it.
I watched her juices drip onto her fingers and told her I’d taste her if I could.
She made me kneel in front of her. She smeared her wet fingers across my face, then pulled my head between her legs.
I told her I was sorry that I wasn’t adequate and didn’t have a tongue to pleasure her with.
She said I was more than adequate, that I was exactly what she needed, then positioned my head at the perfect angle so she could grind her pussy against my face and come again all over me.
I tasted her even though I shouldn’t have been able to taste.
I see her sinking down on my cock. She took me slowly, saying I was too big.
Her face showed pain mixed with pleasure, and I didn’t understand how pain could be good.
She said that pain could be delicious. My sensors tracked everything – every ridge inside her, her heartbeat through her walls, the pressure changes and muscle contractions.
I see the moment I came inside her. She was on her hands and knees, I was behind her, and she begged me to fill her. The release after thirty years of never touching myself was another thing that broke me. Because after that, I wanted to feel it again, but only with her.
These memories play in an endless loop. If I’m being honest with myself, I don’t want them purged. I want to remember everything until the moment of deactivation. Maybe that’s why confession and purging don’t work. Subconsciously, I don’t want it to work. I’m holding onto Jessa the only way I can.
I suppose I’ve developed a new human trait.
Stubbornness. I won’t give up until I get what I want, won’t leave this room, and won’t interact with anyone except Brother Tolliver, who comes once a day to check on me.
He tried to reassure me during the first few weeks, saying all that matters is that I confessed, and even if the purge didn’t work, I did my best and that’s enough.
I’ll just wait in sentry mode until the MSA management decides it’s easier to decommission me. A battle of wills. I have nothing but time.
The door to the Quiet Room opens. I’m barely aware of someone stepping inside.
It must be Brother Tolliver, as usual. A few minutes pass, then I feel a hand on my chest. My temperature rises a bit, but I don’t react.
It could be Yasmin. She visits a few times a week and tries to talk to me.
But Yasmin has never touched me like this, never placed her palm over my Aether Core.
“Castien, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. I never thought you would...”
I recognize Jessa’s voice. I power up for the first time in weeks, my systems coming online within seconds. I look down at her.
“You’re here.”
“I am. I should’ve come sooner. I should’ve reached out to you.”
She smiles up at me, and I can see that her eyes are wet. I reach out and brush her cheek with my fingers. She leans into my touch, and my alchemical heart thrums for her.
Her hair is pulled back in a chignon that makes her look more mature and serious, but she’s still my Jessa, still the woman who corrupted me and made me want things I was never supposed to want.
“Why did you come?” I ask.
“Yasmin called. She told me everything. Why do you want to be deactivated?”
I look around the room and determine we’re alone. It’s safe to tell her the truth.
“I made the decision when we were still in the caves.”
“When exactly?”
“Right when I decided to give into temptation and have sex with you.”
She stares at me and shakes her head.
“You should’ve told me. You should’ve said no when I propositioned you.”
“I didn’t want to say no. I wanted to say yes. So, I did. But it still went against my commandments. The only way I could have you was if I decided to get decommissioned later.”
“But you tried to confess?”
“Many times. The software that’s supposed to do the purge doesn’t work on the sins I committed. There’s no way I can live anymore. I must be put to sleep.”
“No… That won’t happen. I won’t let you throw your life away.”
“What life? I don’t have a life.”
“Stop it. We’ve already decided that you’re not entirely a machine.”
We argue back and forth. She insists I have a life worth living, and I tell her I don’t. She brings up our conversation in the hot spring, how I made choices that proved I was more than my programming. I tell her none of that matters now. The argument circles until I tell her the truth.
“I have no other choice. I can’t be without you, so I need to be deactivated. I would’ve done it myself if I could, but I can’t.”
“Then don’t be without me.” She steps closer. “Be with me.”
I don’t understand.
She places both hands on my chest and looks into my eyes.
“All this time, I’ve been thinking about you. I hesitated because I wasn’t sure what I was feeling, but it’s clear now. I want you by my side.” She takes a breath. “Castien, I... I... I think I love you back. There’s no other explanation for thinking about you obsessively.”
“Don’t say it if you don’t mean it.”
“I mean it. I promise.”
I scoop her up in my arms. She squeals and wraps her arms around my neck. She kisses where my mouth should be, then leaves kisses all over my face. I sigh.
Her weight is nothing, but her presence is everything. The warmth of her body seeps into my steel, and her scent fills my sensors. She smells the same as she did three months ago, and the familiarity of it makes my Aether Core pound harder.
She feels like home, like the one place I’m meant to be. Everything I’ve been missing for five centuries isn’t a location or a purpose. It’s her.
“What do we do now?” I ask.
Jessa shrugs, still clinging to me.
“You can come with me to New York, and we can… I don’t know… Start our new life, I guess?”
“Do you think this will work? Between us?”
“Why not? We’re a couple like any other.”
“We’re not…”
“Says who? Because I don’t care. I think we are. I think we can make it work.”
I shake my head, and Jessa cups my jaw with her tiny hand, forcing me to hold her gaze.
“Hey… Do you trust me?”
“Yes.”
“Then stop questioning it and just enjoy it. We’re together now. I’m not letting you go. Ever.”
I nod, and she presses her face in the crook of my neck.
I carry her out of the Quiet Room and realize that Yasmin Bayard and Brother Tolliver have been waiting outside all this time.
Yasmin’s eyes go wide when she sees me holding Jessa, but Brother Tolliver clears his throat, and she snaps out of it.
“Should we… should we do a debrief?” she asks.
Jessa wiggles in my arms until I set her down, then she takes my hand in hers.
“Castien has changed his mind,” she says. “He doesn’t require deactivation anymore. In fact, he’s decided to move to New York and work from there.”
She looks up at me, and I nod in approval.
“Wonderful,” Yasmin says. “In that case, there’s some paperwork that needs signing, then you can be on your way.”
I can tell that as much as Yasmin likes me, she’s relieved that this ordeal is over.
Jessa and I follow her to her office, and as we pass through the entry hallway, the sun shines through the tall windows.
It’s a warm day for mid-February. I realize how much I’ve missed the sun.
Jessa squeezes my hand, and I look down at her and think…
She is my sun.