Chapter 15
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
JADE
I yank myself from the nightmare on a strangled gasp.
Chest tight and heart thundering, I lie still as I wait for the last images of my dream to fade. The man in the hoodie looming over me, only his flinty eyes visible in the darkness. The heavier one pinning my wrists above my head, his gaze sickly satisfied.
Then the things I couldn’t see, but haven’t forgotten.
The sharp prick as the needle slid into me. The heavy fatigue dragging at me, sucking me into oblivion. That voice, oily and malevolent, saying, “Don’t fight. Or I’ll hurt you.” The choking fear when I heard the soft snick of my apartment door closing.
Shuddering from the adrenaline surging through me, I try to breathe through it, using the box-breathing technique I used to recommend to my patients.
It doesn’t work, and I can’t stop shaking.
I don’t want to wake Niall up again. Thanks to my nightmares, he hasn’t gotten more than a few hours of uninterrupted sleep the last few nights. Not that he’d complain, but I feel guilty. And I worry.
The beginning of a relationship is supposed to be the fun, easy part, not riddled with stress and fear and anxiety. I’m supposed to be the confident, independent, strong Jade I always prided myself on being, not obsessing over wrinkles in fabric and waking up in the middle of the night crying.
Niall never complains, but there’s a small part of me that worries I’m a burden to him. That he’d be better off concentrating on his new team, building a life in Texas, maybe finding a woman with fewer issues than me.
But I don’t want him to find another woman. I want him with me.
“Jade, hun, did you have another nightmare?” Niall rolls on his side, his brow furrowing as he examines my face. Before I can answer, he embraces me, hugging me against his chest. “You did. I can tell.” His breath feathers across the top of my head. “Why didn’t you wake me right away?”
It feels so good to be held, to feel his reassuring warmth and strength surrounding me, all thoughts of denial fly from my head. Instead, I burrow my face into his neck and mumble, “I didn’t want to wake you up again.”
“Ah, sweetheart.” He presses a kiss to the top of my head. One hand runs down the length of my hair, the other rubs my back in soothing strokes. “I don’t want you worrying about that. If you’re scared, wake me up right away.”
“But you need sleep,” I protest. “I’ve already woken you up so many times.” A lump lodges in my throat. “I thought I’d feel better. Now that everyone is in jail. But the nightmares… it’s frustrating. They keep coming.”
Niall adjusts me in his arms so he can meet my gaze. Gently, he says, “Jade. Hun. It’s normal. You’ve been through a lot. And after that night—” He swallows hard. “It’s only been a few days. Of course what happened would give you nightmares.”
“I guess.”
“What would you tell one of your patients? If they were going through something like this?”
I make a little face at him. “That it’s normal. But?—”
“Give yourself some time. Okay?” He leans in to brush a soft kiss to my lips. “Not only are you still dealing with some serious trauma, but there’s everything we learned about the facility, too. It’s a lot to process.”
Niall’s gaze goes dark for a moment, a familiar tell that he’s feeling guilty again. He shouldn’t—I insisted on using myself as bait—but I know it was hard on him, watching me be taken and going against all his instincts by not stopping it.
I’m pretty sure he’s also thinking the same thing as me. That I could have been one of the women held at the facility for weeks, trained to be obedient, and sold to the highest bidder.
A shudder runs through me. A few of the women the police rescued—there were eighteen in total—had been missing for over a month. Over a month in that terrible place, subjected to countless tests and hungry stares and skin-crawling touches…
And then something I hadn’t experienced while I was there. In interviews with the police, a handful of women recalled being hypnotized and subjected to conditioning sessions that sounded a lot like what I learned about in my psychology classes.
Or as Quint put it when he stopped by yesterday to give us an update, “From what we’re putting together from the women’s statements, it sounds like they were being trained. Or at least, that was the goal. Whether they could have succeeded… we won’t know until we’ve tracked down all the women who were sold.”
Trained. Sold. It’s sickening.
But at least we stopped it. The twenty employees at the facility are in jail, currently throwing each other under the bus as fast as they can. At least thirty clients have been identified already, and once the tech experts at the FBI finish going through all the computers they seized, they should find the rest of them.
I just hope they find all the women. Even though the police and FBI seem certain they will, it still haunts me. What if there’s a woman out there, scared, trapped, and I could have helped her? What if she was one of the ones I left behind?
Not Olivia, at least. She was rescued that night, and although I haven’t spoken to her yet, I’ve heard she’s doing okay. I wanted to talk to her right away, but her parents kindly but firmly turned me away.
Do they blame me? Do they think I should have done something sooner? Do they think Olivia’s abduction was related to me?
“Jade.” Gently insistent, Niall’s voice interrupts my spiraling thoughts.
“What?”
His expression is filled with concern. “Where’d you go, hun?”
Forcing a smile, I pat his arm. “I’m right here.”
In a fluid move, Niall scoops me into his arms and sits me on his lap. He tugs the blanket up and tucks it around me, then leans back against the headboard and gazes down at me with a worried gaze. “You went somewhere, Jade. You were worrying. Feeling guilty again.” His finger strokes a line between my brows. “You have that little line that you always get when you’re stressed.”
For a second, I consider denying it, not wanting to give Niall yet another thing to worry about.
But if I trust him, doesn’t that mean with everything?
“I was feeling guilty,” I admit. “It’s hard not to feel like I should have done something else. Something sooner.”
There’s a moment when Niall just stares at me. Then he shakes his head and says firmly, “No, Jade. What you did… it was beyond brave. Escaping. Then putting yourself at risk again. There is nothing you should feel guilty about. If it weren’t for you —” Emotion thickens his voice. “I’m in awe of you, Jade. You’re so smart and strong and just?—”
“I don’t feel strong.” It’s quiet, said to my lap. “I feel guilty. And weak. I want to be that confident Jade you used to know. I want to be a good partner to you, instead of you having to comfort me all the time.”
“Jade—”
“I’m not usually like this.” Tears burn behind my eyes. “I don’t wake up screaming. I don’t spend hours cleaning and fussing with things that are already perfect. Worrying about things I shouldn’t. I…”
Glancing up at him, I continue quietly, “I have anxiety. And when it gets bad, sometimes it makes me do things obsessively. Cleaning. Organizing. Checking things. And sometimes I can’t make myself stop worrying. I wish I wasn’t like this, but?—”
“Ah, sweetheart.” Niall cups my cheek, brushing at a tear that escaped. “It’s okay.”
“I try to hide it. I don’t want people knowing. Not even Shea knows, not really. She knows I get stressed sometimes, but she doesn’t know about the cleaning… It’s not usually this bad, really, just…” My voice goes small. “It’s embarrassing. All these years I’ve prided myself on being strong and in control. But then…”
He jostles me slightly. “Jade. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Lots of people have anxiety. Lots of people struggle with stress and trauma in different ways. I know guys with PTSD, anxiety, depression… I understand. And you should never feel like you need to hide this from me. Talk to me. Tell me if there’s something I can do to help. And if there isn’t, I’ll just be there for you. Keeping you company while you deal with things.”
“Niall—”
“I think you’re perfect. I love that you’re strong, and smart, and independent. But I also love that you’re willing to be vulnerable with me. That you let me comfort you. I love how generous you are. How kind. And as hard as it was to watch, I love that you were willing to put yourself at risk to help people you didn’t even know.”
Each word is a balm to the raw feelings inside me.
“Jade, sweetheart.” As Niall looks at me, there’s a depth of emotion in his gaze. “I know this isn’t the best time, but that night… I swore to myself I’d tell you. I was waiting because you’ve been through so much. But… I love everything about you. Maybe it’s soon. But then again, I think I’ve known you were it for years.”
“Niall?”
“I’m falling for you, Jade. When I’m with you, everything feels right. I would do anything to make you happy. To protect you.” He stops. Then more hesitantly, Niall adds, “I know you might not feel the same way yet. But I hope… that maybe you will.”
Warmth blossoms in my chest.
My heart expands, filled with an indescribable lightness.
“I do.” I catch his hand, squeezing it tightly. “I do feel the same way.”
Cautious hope brightens his eyes. “You do?”
“I think I started falling for you the first day we met. You were so handsome. But not just that; you cared about what I said. You were interested. And then when you gave us both those whistles?—”
Niall’s mouth twitches. “Two young women in college—you can never be too careful.”
“I know. And I loved that you were so thoughtful.” Pausing, my face heats before I add, “I always made sure I was around when you were visiting. I never told Shea, but… I just wanted to see you. Even if it was just as a friend…”
“Hun.” Niall turns me in his lap so I’m facing him, and I wrap my legs around his waist. “I always hoped you’d be there. Each time I’d see your gorgeous face, I was so damn happy. And I never stopped thinking about you.”
“Niall.” It’s hard to get his name out past the lump in my throat. “I’ve never stopped thinking about you, either.”
I was in such a good mood after this morning’s revelations, I wanted to do something fun.
Something normal. Something a happy couple would do.
Because I am happy.
Yes, there are things I still have to deal with. But.
I have Niall. And he’s falling for me. He loves everything about me.
Is it the same as being in love? I’m not sure.
In my heart, I know I’m in love with Niall. But I can wait for that part.
For now, I have an incredible boyfriend who will do anything for me. How could I not be happy?
How could I not want to celebrate something so wonderful?
So we’re having our game night. Finally.
When I brought it up over breakfast, Niall was hesitant. “It’s still so soon,” he said gently, “I don’t want you pushing…”
“It’s not,” I insisted as I leaned across the table to give him a quick kiss. “And I’m not. Your team is all here, we already talked about it, and I’d really like to do something fun with you and your friends. We have the games already, we can buy lots of snacks and beg Dante to cook something yummy, and?—”
“Okay.” He grinned at me. “If that’s what you want, we’ll do it.”
And unlike the party out in the barn, I’m not nervous about this in the least.
First, because I’ve gotten to know Niall’s team better since then.
I’ve learned that despite his intimidating looks, Dante is a big softie and would love to adopt a dog once things with B and A are running smoothly. I’ve learned that Xavier is incredibly smart and loyal, and he’ll do anything for the people he cares about.
I’ve discovered how kind Rhiannon is, and how easy she is to talk to. She’s never been pushy about it, but every day or two, she’ll stop by just to say hi, and I’ve found myself opening up to her.
I’ve seen the silly pranks Matt plays on his friends, like when he filled Dante’s office with hundreds of helium balloons. Even funnier was Dante sucking in the helium and vowing to pay Matt back in a squeaky little cartoon voice.
And I’ve gotten to know Erik, who’s not just the big, goofy guy he wants people to see. When I was having a particularly hard day a couple of weeks ago, dealing with flashbacks from my time in captivity, Erik brought over a book about PTSD and told me it had helped him, so maybe it could help me, too.
Also, we’re going to be in Niall’s apartment, which already feels more like home than the apartment I lived in for years. I like how cozy his place is; all rustic woods and muted blues and greens and framed photographs of landscapes on the walls and the pretty stained glass hangings he has in the windows.
He told me the photos were taken by Hanna, who’s married to Finn—one of the original Blade and Arrow guys out in New York. And the stained glass came from Georgia, another of the East Coast B and A wives, who he helped rescue a couple of years ago after she’d been abducted by a stalker.
It’s pretty incredible, hearing about all the things the original Blade and Arrow team has done—rescuing people from multiple stalkers, organ traffickers, blackmail, extortion—and I’m so pleased for Niall to be a part of it.
Another reason I’m excited about game night? So Niall can spend some quality time with his team. Not just time spent training or in meetings, but actually relaxing and having fun.
And, if I’m being honest with myself, I want them to like me. I think they do, but I’ve never been the most social person, so I’m not sure . But if things with Niall are going to work out, which I really hope they do, I want his team to be happy about it. About me.
So I might have gone a little overboard setting everything up.
I couldn’t help it. All the years of watching my mother give her grand events stuck with me. Never let a guest’s glass run dry. Serve dishes you know your guests will like, even if you don’t like them yourself. There must be plenty of comfortable seating, preferably in different types of arrangements. Decor is a critical element of every successful party.
Everyone is supposed to be getting here shortly and I’m fussing with the dishes on the kitchen island for the gazillionth time when Niall comes out of the bedroom, looking, if possible, more handsome than usual.
He’s wearing these perfectly worn, dark denim jeans that remind me just how muscular his legs are. And he has on this slate gray T-shirt with just a hint of blue, which picks up the silvery flecks in his dark blue eyes. The fabric stretches just the right amount across his broad chest and muscly arms, and his hair is all damp and wavy and glinting bronze and gold and he’s smiling that incredible smile and?—
“Jade.” His smile gets even bigger as he walks toward me. “What are you doing?”
“Um.” It takes me a second to switch gears. “Making sure all the food looks good?”
“It does.” Moving around the island, he comes beside me and frames my waist with his hands. “It looks amazing, really. But that’s not what I was talking about.”
“It wasn’t?”
“No.” His voice goes low and rough. “You were looking at me.” A pause. “Not just looking. You were giving me a look .”
Oh .
“Well.” My cheeks get warm, but I lift my chin as I reply, “And if I was?”
Niall’s gaze burns into mine. “I liked it.”
I put my hand on his chest, flattening my palm over his heart. “You look really handsome. But you know that.”
He cups my cheek and leans closer; his lips only inches from mine. “All I know is how I feel when you look at me like that. I feel like the luckiest guy in the world.”
My heart stutters. Skips. “I was thinking about how attracted I am to you. How much”—my face gets hotter, but I push on—“I want you.”
His pupils dilate. “Jade.”
Is it too soon to feel this way? What would I be telling a patient who’d been through something similar? To take their time?
But then again, this thing with Niall is different. Maybe being together is new, but my feelings for him aren’t. The way I trust him isn’t new.
And the thought of being with Niall? Really being with him? It feels more right than anything.
So I close the distance between us, pressing my lips to his, showing him everything I’m feeling.
Nipping and sucking at his lower lip, teasing his mouth open and dipping inside. Our tongues moving together, stroking and teasing. My hand cupping his nape, fingers threading into his hair and tugging just a bit—not enough to hurt, but enough to urge Niall to take the kiss deeper.
His hand moves to the small of my back, then lower, cupping my ass and pulling me close enough to feel his arousal jutting against my belly.
He makes a small sound in the back of his throat, a primal, possessive noise.
A throbbing ache builds at my core; a need more intense than I’ve ever felt before.
And then a knock sounds at the door. Followed quickly by two more.
We freeze. As Niall meets my gaze, there’s a moment of indecision. A reluctance to end this connection.
Then Rhiannon calls out, “Hey, I have a crock pot full of buffalo chicken dip here. You want to let me in?”
Niall ends the kiss with a disappointed sigh. He gives me a crooked smile and says, “I guess it would be rude to ignore our guests after inviting them over.”
“Yes.” I take a step back, trying to regain my composure. “It would be rude.”
“Although, if it’s just Rhi out there,” he adds thoughtfully, “she’s pretty patient?—”
Another series of knocks, then Dante calls through the door, “I’ve got a steaming-hot dish of ziti in my hands. Feel like opening the door?”
With a small shake of his head, Niall smiles ruefully. “I guess we’ll have to continue this later.” His brows go up. “If you want?”
I put my hands on his shoulders and stretch up to give him a quick kiss. “I do. Definitely.”
As we both walk to the door, another voice joins the mix. It’s Xavier this time, and he’s laughing as he asks, “Are you two making out in there? If you want us to come back, that’s okay. But I can’t guarantee the ziti will make it. It looks really good.”
At the door, Niall wraps his arm around me, tugging me into his side. Then he opens the door, chuckling. “Man, you guys are impatient.”
Xavier glances between Niall and I for a second, then grins triumphantly at Dante. “See. I told you. They were?—”
“Stop.” Rhiannon swats at Xavier. “You’re embarrassing Jade.”
Niall gives Xavier a warning look. “Xav?—”
Dante rolls his eyes at them before giving me a friendly smile. “Don’t mind them. They’re like bickering siblings.”
It’s funny, in the past, I might have felt embarrassed. I’m most definitely rumpled and I know my lips and cheeks are all flushed from kissing Niall. But with Niall’s arm around me, and these people who are quickly becoming friends, I don’t mind.
“It’s fine.” I kiss Niall’s cheek before turning back to Xavier and telling him with a grin, “We were. Now, are you going to come in and teach me how to win at poker, or not?”