Chapter 23
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
JADE
I’m going to be stronger today.
I don’t want to be this broken woman huddled in bed, hiding from everything.
I don’t want to give my father this much power over me.
Not my father. A stranger.
At least now it makes sense. Why he was always so cold and critical of me. Why he kept pushing me to marry one of the men he deemed appropriate.
He never thought of me as his child—I was just a commodity.
When I let myself think about it, the pain is suffocating.
Yesterday, it was too much.
By the time we got back to Blade and Arrow after dealing with the police—telling them the horrible story of what my father had done, how Niall protected me, protected himself—I was done. In the car, I shut down. Everything was too raw and painful. The only way I could keep from falling apart was to hold it all in.
But wonderful Niall never pushed me. He carried me from the garage to the apartment, and I didn’t have the energy to insist on doing it myself. Then he did everything for me—got me into the shower, washed my hair and carefully dried and combed it, dressed me in the coziest clothes he could find, and got me settled into bed.
Then Dante stopped by and offered to give me something. “Just for now, while the shock is so great,” he explained gently. “Sometimes rest is the best way to heal in the short term. But if you don’t feel comfortable with it…”
Niall hovered protectively by the side of the bed, one hand on my shoulder and the other holding my hand. “Whatever you want, Jade. We’ll do anything to help.”
Was it weak? Maybe. But I took the sedative. The idea of hours not having to think was too appealing.
But that was yesterday. Today I need to start pulling myself together. Today I need to reassure Niall that I’m not going to break. I need to ease the worried look in his eyes whenever he thinks I’m not paying attention. And based on the concerned whispers in the hallway all morning, I need to reassure Niall’s teammates that I’m okay, too.
Those are the easier things. Then there’s the really crappy stuff—hearing how Matt figured out my father was involved, if this is really the end of it, and what’s going to happen to my mother.
“Jade, hun. Are you okay? Do you need anything?” Niall comes over to the couch, damp and fresh-smelling from the shower, and crouches by my side. I’m still tucked under my favorite blanket—the one Niall’s mom crocheted for him when he was sixteen—staring blankly at my Kindle while Bridesmaids plays in the background.
I scoot over and pat the cushion beside me. “I’m okay. Sit with me.”
He glances at the coffee table, where my sandwich is still sitting uneaten. “You should eat more, hun. You need to keep your energy up. Do you want something different? Soup? Grilled cheese? I can ask someone to go get those cookies you love.”
My throat gets thick. How can I fall apart when I have this incredible man here with me?
“I’m not really hungry yet.” Snuggling into his side, I rest my head on his shoulder. “We didn’t have breakfast that long ago…” I trail off, not saying the rest, which is that my stomach feels like it’s been twisted into a knot.
“Ah, hun.” Niall wraps his arms around me, and he’s so strong and big and warm I can feel some of my tension draining away. “I just want to make sure you’re staying healthy. I was talking to Dante, and he said stress can have a huge impact on your body. And that getting enough food and rest will help.”
This Niall—the sweet, sensitive man who’ll do anything to make me feel better—is such a contradiction to the focused soldier who came storming in to save me. But I love them both equally.
Emotion swells up and I blink against the tears suddenly threatening. “I love you. So much.”
“Oh, hun. I love you, too.” He pulls me onto his lap and cups my jaw, then kisses me tenderly. His gaze is soft as he says, “I love you more than anything, Jade. And I wish I could take this hurt away from you. I wish I could fix this.”
“You are. Everything you do helps.”
Like they have since I got home, a memory slams into me unexpectedly—this time of my father pointing a gun at Niall, threatening to kill him. My nose burns and I say thickly, “I’m so sorry. I put you in danger. He could have shot you.”
“No.” He jostles me on his lap. “Jade, no. None of this is your fault. You didn’t put me in danger. And there’s no way he would have shot me. I saw the way he held that gun. He’s a novice at best.” A pause, and then more softly, “I just didn’t want you to be hurt in the crossfire.”
“Still. I can’t help thinking I should have known somehow. We weren’t close, obviously, but how did I never pick up on it?”
Guilt darkens Niall’s gaze. “ We should have figured it out sooner. Not you. It’s my job to solve cases like this, and?—”
“No.” This time I’m the one adamantly denying it. I squeeze his arm in emphasis. “You protected me. Again. And my father… what he said… he was so careful. I’m not sure anyone… How did Matt figure it out?”
“Jade. Are you sure you want to talk about this now?”
“Yes. I’d rather know the facts than have to wonder about it.”
Niall sighs, his brows pinching into a V. Then he says, “Matt got this hunch—a gut feeling, really—that we were missing something. Everything looked clean, financials, no suspicious connections… But then Matt looked into your father’s history. His time at college. And that’s when he discovered the studies.”
“The studies?”
Another unhappy sigh. “Yes. Your father had been trying to create a mind-controlling drug. He was working with this guy who’d been involved with brainwashing studies with the CIA back in the sixties. And one of the compounds your father discovered… we found traces of a similar drug in some of the women who’d been taken.”
My stomach lurches. “The same stuff he gave my mother. That he wanted to give to me.”
Niall tucks me into his chest. Regret seeps through his voice. “Yeah, hun. It seems like it.”
“It just… it’s so crazy. And…” My gaze dips to my lap as I say quietly, “I just keep thinking… I should have figured it out. I’m in the medical profession. How did I miss it?”
“Ah, sweetheart.” His hand strokes down the length of my hair. “He hid it so well. And why would you ever suspect something like that? He’s your—” Niall grimaces. “Anyway. He’s in custody. And he’s not getting out of this.”
“Are you sure? What if there’s not enough proof? What if he gets out and tries to do it again? What if he comes after me? What if one of the potential clients?—”
I’m talking faster and faster as all my fears come avalanching down. “What if I can’t ever live a normal life, Niall? What if?—”
“Hun, no . That isn’t going to happen.”
“How do you know?” All my vows of staying strong are crumbling. “Am I going to have to hide here forever? You won’t want me around all the time. I won’t be able to support myself. It’ll ruin everything.”
“Hey.” Niall frames my face, holding my gaze. “Jade. I understand where your fear is coming from. But it’s not that bad. Okay? Now that the FBI has your father in custody, they’re doing a deep dive into all his history. Everything. And Matt, Leo, plus some other contacts we have around the country—they’re all searching to find every last bit of evidence against him.”
“But—”
“And we’re going to find all the clients. Potential or not. It may take some more time, and yes, I want you to have extra protection in the meantime, but it’s not forever. I promise. You won’t be stuck here, because you don’t just have me behind you; the entire team has your six. You can go shopping with Rhiannon. One of us can take you to work when you’re ready. And we have a lot of contacts in San Antonio who are happy to help.”
The pressure in my chest is still there, but it’s slowly decreasing. “And you don’t mind? What if… I’m not sure how soon I’ll be ready to leave.”
“Of course not.” Niall turns me so I’m straddling him and presses a soft kiss to my lips. “I love you, Jade. One day, I’m going to ask you to marry me. I want you here all the time.”
“Are you sure—” It takes a second to register. “Marry you?”
“Yes.” His lips curve up. “Not yet, not when everything else is so crazy. But yes. You’re the one, Jade. There’s no doubt in my mind I want to spend my life with you.”
Oh . OH. The tears I’ve been battling all morning threaten to make an appearance. “That’s what I want, too. And… I’ll say yes. When it’s time.”
“Ah, Jade.” Emotion thickens his voice. “I love you so much.” He kisses me again before continuing, “And I will be here for you. Don’t ever think you’re asking too much. You aren’t. I would do anything for you.”
“You too.” This time I kiss him. “I’ll get stronger. And I’ll be there for you. When you have to travel, if you have a hard case, anything.”
Desire flares in Niall’s eyes, but he quickly tamps it. “I know you will, hun.” He pauses. “What do you want right now? A different movie? A new snack? Do you want to do some more online shopping for the apartment?”
All of those things sound nice, but there’s still something else I need to know. “What about my mother? Where is she?”
His gaze sweeps across my face, assessing. Then he replies, “She’s in a long-term psychiatric facility. But it’s really nice, not like a hospital. Some of the FBI counselors are meeting with her. They’re trying to figure out how much of the conditioning can be undone.”
“Oh.” My feelings about my mother are so complicated. There’s the pity and horror about what my father did to her, but it’s hard to erase the memories of how she treated me, even if it wasn’t her fault.
Niall seems to read my mind. “You don’t have to deal with it yet. In fact, I don’t think they’ll want you visiting yet. Not until her doctors come up with a treatment plan. So you can take your time deciding what you want to do. But I’ll support you no matter what you choose.”
Maybe it’s cowardly, but I’m relieved for the reprieve. “Okay.”
A soft knock sounds at the door, and Niall picks up his phone to glance at the screen. “Dante again,” he says with a small smile. “It looks like he’s bringing over more food.” He slides me off his lap and settles me back onto the couch, tucking the blanket around me again. “I’ll just go grab it and I’ll be right back.”
“No.” At his raised eyebrows, I add, “I want to see him. Dante. I know he’s stopped by a few times already.”
Kind Dante, who comes across as such a tough guy—all strong Italian features and intense looks and a commanding presence—but is really a big teddy bear inside.
“Okay, Jade.” Niall heads to the door, pausing halfway there to add, “There’s no rush. But everyone wants to see you when you’re ready. They all care about you so much, you know.”
“I want to see them, too.” Brushing away a few tears, I tell Niall firmly, “I’m ready. Seeing everyone… I think it’ll help.”
And it does. Despite the anxiety and sorrow I know won’t go away for a while, seeing all of Niall’s teammates helps. It reminds me that I’m not alone. That I do have a family, though it’s not the traditional kind. That after thirty-one years, I feel like I actually fit in.
They’re all so kind. So sweet. They treat me like the brothers and sister I always wished I had.
Dante comes in with his arms piled high with containers of soups and casseroles and the lasagna I never got yesterday. He says with a sheepish grin, “I might have mentioned to my mom that you were going through a tough time. So she sent me a bunch of recipes for comfort food. It might be too much, but…”
“It’s perfect.” I get up from the couch to hug him tightly. “I love it. Thank you. And I can’t wait to meet your mom. She sounds wonderful.”
Matt arrives next with a video game console and a stack of games in hand. “Nothing stressful,” he explains. “Just fun games for now. But I thought it might be a way to help get your mind off things.”
I tell him it’s a great idea, but only if he comes over to play with me, too.
Erik is his usual goofy self at first, sweeping me into a big hug and telling me to make sure to keep Niall on his toes. But then he sits next to me on the couch and tells me in a serious tone, “You ever want to talk, Jade, I’m here. Or if Niall’s not around and you want someone to keep you company, don’t hesitate to ask. Okay?”
I get teary at that, and Erik gets all flustered, patting me on the top of the head and making an excuse to check the security cameras around the perimeter again.
Xavier comes in with an intense expression, and he makes a beeline straight to me. “Don’t scare us like that again, Jade. Okay?” Then his expression softens, and he hands me a bag with a small stuffed lion inside. “Cause they’re brave like you,” he explains, and that’s enough to start me crying.
“It’s okay,” Niall reassures Xavier, who’s throwing panicked looks at Niall. “From what I understand, if a woman cries after getting a gift, it’s usually a good thing.”
Rhiannon shows up last, and the look in her eyes is almost my undoing. There’s admiration and compassion and an unspoken promise that I can talk to her about anything. As we sit together on the couch—Niall is thoughtfully busying himself in the kitchen making yet another platter of snacks—she tells me, “I know this is so hard. And I understand it can feel overwhelming at times. But you have us. You have Niall, who’s one of the best men I know. And you have me.”
Then her serious expression transforms to a smile. “And when you’re feeling up to it, we’ll have a ladies’ night. Wine. Charcuterie. And we can talk about Niall—she glances in his direction, smirking—and how soon he’ll pop the question.”
“Rhi,” Niall huffs at her from the kitchen. “Would it make any difference to tell you to mind your own business?”
She flashes a huge grin at him and replies brightly, “Nope.”
Once everyone’s gone, I’m a little tired and sink back against the couch cushions with a sigh. Not that talking to people is exactly hard, but there’s a bone-deep fatigue I can’t seem to shake.
A minute later, Niall comes back from the kitchen and places another tray on the coffee table, then sits down beside me. One hand massages the back of my neck, working at the knots embedded there. “Are you doing okay, hun? Was it too much?”
“It was good.” I shift to face him. “I’m a little tired, but it was… really nice. To see how much everyone cared.”
“They do.”
I snuggle back into Niall’s side, feeling significantly less fractured than I did when I woke up this morning. Not healed; that’s going to take time. But I know it’ll happen.
Niall strokes my face and gazes at me with so much love in his eyes. “You’re incredible, Jade. I know I say it all the time, but it’s true.”
“You are too.”
“And…” His lips twitch. “You’re really going to think I’m awesome when you see the snacks I made this time.”
“Oh?”
He waves his hand at the freshly replenished platter, and I can’t help laughing. There’s a heart made out of pickles rolled up in slices of ham. And in the center, a stack of my favorite cookies all made in the shape of hearts.
I snort. “Niall. You hate those things. I see your face every time I make one.”
“Nope.” He snags a pickle-ham roll-up, then pops it into his mouth and almost manages to hide his wince. “ Delicious .”
My chest fills with happiness.
Everything is going to be okay.